More thoughts on lap band

I belong to a social group of women that have all struggled with infertility but of course we branch off into other topics as well. I shared with them that I am considering lap band surgery and so we've been having conversations over the past week and when I was typing a reply here I thought it was kind of blog worthy. So below is my reply to a woman who shared both a positive surgery story and a negative one:

What I think I look forward to most is just NOT being able to eat so much. It's strange but I will enjoy not being able to over eat. I am already working with a therapist for my weight issues and one of my biggest hurdles is trying to figure out why I have to feel full, like verge of puking full, in order to stop eating. I am very "into" texture and sometimes will eat food simply because of that. I have had panic attacks on "diets" because I don't have that full feeling and I just flip out. My mental behavior is not normal and I totally 100% recognize this it's actually why I sought out help in the first place.

(the woman talked about a friend's surgery who experienced depression afterwards so that is the "male" I refer to here) I actually think it's really strange that the male you mentioned didn't realize there would be depression issues afterwards. I think that's one of the things I kind of expect, really, is just to be shocked and shaken up a bit. Maybe not full on "depressed" but really, your totally changing gears. When I think about how I felt the first year living in a foreign country, that's kind of how I expect this to feel for me, should I go through with it. When I moved to Holland I thought... okay, some things are the same but even though they may looks the same, they're actually very, very different. That's how I think I'll feel after a surgery like this. Although I will still need to eat, it's going to end up being very, very different. I didn't go into moving to Holland naive to the fact that it would be difficult, but there was no way to really prepare myself for the problems I really faced. I think surgery is kind of like that. I can prepare myself the best I can, but once its happening to me, it may be a different ball game.

When I read the stories of people who still eat like shit or gain weight or any of that I really just know in my heart that that would not be me. And of course it's easy to say "yeah, well that's what everybody thinks" but again, I just know myself. I'm not taking this decision (which has not been made yet) lightly. I don't enjoy what I'm doing to my body by over eating. I don't enjoy hiding food from people, hiding my eating. I don't enjoy wondering what people say about me behind my back or think of me when I'm in public. I look forward to the day when I simply cannot eat like I do.

The surgery would be both mental and physical stimulation for me. The physical part is obvious but the mental part also plays a big role. I would "know" that I could not eat __________ so I would be okay with that. It's just really hard to explain how my mind works with food.

In the end, I blame my parents and lima beans. LOL

(not really mom and dad)

Good advice from many good people

After getting some good advice from my friend Keith, I went ahead and called my councelor this morning to plan my appointment for after my vacation. I don't want to have to wait another 3 or 4 weeks after I get back to get in, because Lord knows things can take forever here. Love his logic. (and his attentiveness to how things go here in NL)

After getting some good advice from my friend Claire, I have looked even further into Lap Band surgery just to be as informed as I can be and she basically said "if you're serious about doing it, then get to doing it". Love that girl and her ability to give it to me straight.

After getting some good advice from my friend Marco, who also doubles as my husband, I'm going to keep researching, talk it out with him, talk it out with Dewy, check with my insurance (and I think they cover it) and have some good sleeps on it. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight on my own but he understand not wanting to lose any more time with Sadie, being able to do things a parent should be able to do with their child.

Ali - I do appreciate your taking the time to comment on my last post and sharing your friend's experiences with me. (and the rest of this parapgrah is not just intended for you, it's to clear up questions from anybody reading this blog). I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that I thought that surgery was "easy" because, naturally, I'm not looking for a quick and easy fix. I think of surgery as another step in the process to aid in my weight loss, along with the help of my councelor and nutritionist. (and agasin, it's not that this is a "done deal' I am just thinking outloud via my blog).

I do know, as with any surgery, that there are risks involved, of course. There are bigger risks at staying this weight though too, such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, not to mention the damage I am doing to my joints. You (collectively) can be sure that this decision would be one that I would never take lightly, that I am researching and hasn't just popped into my head. I've been contemplating and reading over different surgeries for years. It's just that this is the only time that I have ever seen it really as a viable option. If I'm not a good candidate for it, then who is? What is the real criteria? Do I have to wait until I'm imobile? Do I have to wait until I am diagnosed with diabetes? When is the final step when surgery is actually acceptable? When I've battled my weight my entire adult life, and I'm now 34, when do I finally say, enough, I need more help? Is it when I'm 40? Is it when I have a health scare? What is that deadline that will make surgery a real, true option?

Thanks again for all of your input and all of your advice! Please, good, bad, positive, negative, leave me your comments. Try to keep in mind though what I've mentioned above and don't assume I am walking into this blind or lightly (no pun intended).

Canceled my appointment

I had to cancel my appointment with my new councilor due to unforseen circumstances at my home, mainly a turn of events such as needing to take off work early all next week, Marco almost ripping off his entire toe nail, Sadie having a horrible head cold and my in-laws being on vacation, all things together means I cannot possibly make an 8:30 appointment.

I called and canceled it and didn't schedule a new one. Not because I am not going to go, but because in a few weeks time we're going to be on vacation in the USA and I think it's best just to start fresh after then.

I've, once again, been tossing around the idea of looking into having lap band surgery. I am going to talk to a friend of mine in the US who had it done a couple of years ago as I have some questions and I know her surgery didn't go off without a hitch. I don't want only to hear good things, I want to know the entire truth, as it can happen.

I know many people have many opinions on this type of surgery so feel free to voice them or if you want to share your exerience with me I'm all ears. 

I have always pushed off the thought of surgery, justifying with "if I can eat so little AFTER the surgery, then surely I can do it beforehand with the same results" but I am actually feeling that maybe I need the actual physical inability to eat in bulk in order to make myself not do it.

I thought of it this way... I can't write left handed. I mean, sure I can hold a pen in that hand and write, but it's extremely difficult and sloppy. I'm just a right handed girl. Now, should my right hand be cut off, you bet your ass I'd be able to learn to write with my left hand and woudl learnt o eventually lead a more normal life. Along those same lines, I can eat right/less/better but I obviously have issues with doing it well. Cut off my ability to do so and I am all but forced into doing it.

I have a severe doubt in my abaility to lose weight and keep it off. Severe and justified doubts. Then I see my friend, who had the surgery probably 7 years ago, who hadn't wasted the last 7 years fighting, struggling, arguing, depressed, anxious, battling against her weight. Yeah, sure, she's had her own battles and her life hasn't been perfect, I'm sure, but she overcame this one huge hurdle. I want that peace.

still here!

Sorry it's been so long. I've got my next appointment with my new Dewy (disordely eating woman, yay!) woman on Wednesday and I will update after that. Until then there really isn't much to tell I guess. My eating has sucked, my attitude has been worse than my eating and without that focus of having biweekly check-ins with a councelor, I've been totally derailed. Even on the days when I say "okay, knock it off, get back to it" I still never quite "get back to it". I have all the greatest intentions of the world but no drive or focus. I suck. Well, I feel that I suck. A lot.

And that's where I am!

Asking for your help

As you all know (or some new readers may not know) we struggled with infertility for several years before finally getting pregnant with my daughter. Through our struggle I have been fortunate enought to meet some incredible people, mostly women, who share some common ground... we all suffer(ed) with some form of fertility issues.

That is how I came to know Karin and her husband Marlon. They still have not realized their dreams of becoming parents and are now enlisting in the help of the internet to do so. Can you please read their blog and see if you, or somebody you know would be able to help Karin and Marlon become the family that have always dreamed of becoming? 

If you read their story, and are in a position to do so, please feel free to share the link either on your own blog, via email, on message boards... however you feel you can help them make that connection.