Shaking it off.

So I've made a bit of peace with myself after Tuesday's rotten weigh-in. Thanks to those who sent words of encouragement my way. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

I really don't want to be one of those weight obsessed women during my pregnancy. Sounds funny coming from a woman who began this pregnancy tipping the scales at 231 lbs, doesn't it? I do want to enjoy this whole thing with no worries but I do have to keep in mind... I'm not your average women. Not that I'm above average or below average... I'm not sure really where I fall but I just know I'm not average. I have/had food issues. I have a lifetimes worth of bad habits and obsessions that I've worked to break or at least to clean up over the past year and a half. I've gone to great lengths to change my way of eating, my way of thinking, my way of talking to myself. I can't afford to let my guard down 100% because that downward slope to my old ways is a slippery one, greased down with extra butter to make the decent all the faster, putting me back in my old ways before you can say "I've super sized myself".

Maybe I am worrying a bit too much. Maybe I am being a bit hard on myself. I just have to make sure that I don't cross that line into the scary "I'm eating for 2" zone or the overzealous "I'll take it off during breastfeeding" zone and land myself right back where I started this whole thing. Good God wouldn't that be awful.

I think that is one good thing about keeping this blog up during my pregnancy, although I tend to concentrate more on "all things baby", it is still a constant reminder of where I have been, how far I've come and how much further I need to go. Blogging still keeps me accountable for my actions or inactions, whichever the case may be.

I have been a bit more excited while thinking about getting the weight off after the pregnancy. I've been devising little plans in my head of how I will get in exercise with Sadie once she arrives. Mommy and baby swim classes was first on my list. That will be fun. She's due at the end of July so hopefully with any luck I'll recover quickly from pushing this little pumpkin out of my peepaleepie (pronounced peep-a-leep-eeeee for those unfamiliar with the term, which I'm sure most of you are... unfamiliar that is) and be able to enjoy some of good weather which is extremely rare in these parts. Long walks in the neighborhood or at the mall or anywhere really will be great for me and for her. I can always continue my "free dance" although with my plans for breastfeeding hopefully working out I don't think I'll be doing the "naked free dance" anymore. I've actually already been preparing her for some free dancing. When I'm listening to my Ipod I hook one earphone over my ear and shove the other one down my shirt and press it against my belly. I also sing at the top of my lungs which I'm sure she gets a real kick out of. Yeah, this baby is in for a real trip once she's out and about in this world.

So okay, I'm shaking it off. I'm making some peace. I'm getting focused. I'm holding myself accountable. I'm going to do better. I'm going to be responsible. I'm going to be healthy for me and for this child. Here we go folks. Here we go.

Mortified... that's the only word to describe it. I was simply mortified when I saw the numbers looking up at me on the scale this morning. It put me in a bad mood. I'm at work and want to kill everybody who talks to me. I don't feel like doing anything. I want to crawl in a hole. Actually I want to punish myself. I tipped the scale at an even 114 kilos this morning. That's 250 pounds for your non-converters. That's ridiculous. That's inexcusable. That's just flat out gross.

I knew my eating hadn't been stellar the last few weeks but with weighing in weekly I thought I'd be more on top of it than I obviously have been. That's a huge jump of 2 kilos from last weeks weigh in. Yeah, I'm retaining some water but let's not bullshit one another okay?

So, I'm back at it. Not that I wasn't ever still at it but for real, I'm back at it. I've still got 18 weeks left of this pregnancy and I'm not going to get myself into a position where I can't take the weight off again. After the baby is born I'd like to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight within the first few months. Ugh. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Not for the weak at heart...

Let me just preface this by saying it’s been a long time coming. This affair started out like most I guess...innocently. Geesh where to even start ... well... let’s see... I’ve known this super sweet guy for a while now. For privacy sakes I'll call him BJ. He has his own store in the city center here in Amsterdam which is how I was originally introduced to him over 3 years ago. I guess you could say he’s a friend of the families, which makes it even worse. Everybody who knows him LOVES him. The worst part is my husband even likes him.

When we first met, I felt a definate spark. Of course I never admitted this to Marco. We have been attached at the hip (almost literally) ever since that first meeting. It wasn’t one of those weak in the knees moments, but there was just something there and I knew we would be lifelong friends. I have no clue that my infatuation would grow this strong though. It’s always something that happens to other people, you know?

We have been through thick and thin together over the past three years. When I’m down and low, he’s there for me. When I am celebrating milestones ...he’s there...through every emotional trial and tribulation....he is right there by my side. And sometimes even when there is nothing going on...he’s still there. Always the cool, calm, collected guy.

Over time I have discovered so many different sides of him...there are so many things that I just love about this guy!!!! There... I said it... I LOVE HIM!!!!!

He’s 'nutty' when I need to smile ... He can be just plain old 'vanilla' and I am still interested. He's always getting 'brownie points' for goodness. He’s sooooo super rich, which as we all know, is always helpful. With the baby on the way it's like I crave his attention more and more.

Anyway... I know this is getting long. It just feels so good to get this off of my chest. Go ahead... and tell me I'm a horrible person. I can take it. But I know if you were ever in my shoes, even for one day, you would have to agree with me and before you knew it you too would be posting about your *affair*. So I just have one last thing to say...

Don’t judge!!!! It’s all about the fudge!!!!!

Ben & Jerry's Fossil Fuel - I LOVE YOU!

Now go back and re-read what I wrote. I gave you guys hints all the way down! Shame on you for thinking I would ever have a real affair. However, I do realize this post is extremely un-weight loss friendly so I do appologize to those who are now going to spoil their week with a pint of B&J's! Enjoy!

I did weigh in yesterday and was pleasantly surprised, even though I didn’t remember to blog about it. I stayed the same from last week’s weigh-in which is a good thing since I’m a bit above where I want to be right now in the pregnancy anyway.

Not really a lot of exciting things to report here. I’ve gotten the urge to exercise a bit more recently which is always positive. We had been having good weather over the last month so I think that put the bug in my arse. Of course this week the wind is whipping like mad. They’ve even told everybody that they should avoid riding their bikes to work due to the wind. Now that’s scary because in the Dutch world most people use bikes as transportation not recreation. It also means big traffic jams on the way to and from work. Ugh.

I’m thinking Marco and I might start swimming more often. I found a pool that is close to our house that has some decent opening hours. I hope I still fit in my swimsuit. The same place also offers some mommy/baby swim classes to help get rid of the baby weight once Sadie is born. Sign me up!

I’ve been having frequent headaches which “they” say can happen a lot in the second trimester due to massive fluctuations in your hormones. It’s been pretty miserable when they do happen because I don’t like to take anything for them if I can avoid them. I don’t think sitting in front of the computer all day at work helps either.

I’ve also just started to see the baby more frequently and when I say “just started” I mean this morning. It was the first time I felt her during the day. Usually she just likes to tickle me in the evening when I’m laying quietly on my back.

I’m looking forward to going to the open mic night at the ABC Treehouse for the first time. It does make me quite nervous that I’ve promised myself to participate in the following one though. It’s a good nervous though.

Alexandra is on board with the plans for the nursery and hopefully she’ll be coming over to get the ball rolling! She does have other commitments at home though and we have plenty of time. Of course if I had it my way she’s have been there with her painting clothes on last week! We’re going to a little fabric market together that they’re having in Hoorn (the city she lives in) on April 9th to see if we can find some pretty material to make Sadie’s bedding and curtains from. I’m excited! Geesh, I never thought idea of picking out fabric could make me so giddy.

So that’s about it for me today. I hope you’re all doing well and have a healthy week!

Decisions, decisions.

So now that it's sunk in that we're having a daughter the planning begins. Silly me, I thought I already had everything all worked out. We would do a baby animal theme, keeping the sky blue walls the same color regardless of the gender of the baby. Sounds great right? Right...except...well...I've made a huge mistake by looking at other nurseries online. And nurseries in stores. And nurseries on rate-my-space. How in the world is one supposed to choose?

Oh yeah, animals are cute, I do love the art I found but awwww.... look at the ladybug room... it's so cute...oh and look at how clean and tidy just a few horizontal stripes of color works... beautiful... oh and I love the little monkey's in the jungle themed nursery... how adorable! And what about the whole baby dream I had converted into an idea for a baby blowing bubbles on the wall? It was/is simple, clean, unique, meaningful...all those things. So why not go with that? I have no idea. My mind is swimming with creativity and I'm having a terrible tie trying to narow it down.

I guess the bottom line is, Sadie's not really going to realize/know/care if she has a vine of monkey's on her wall or if there are lady bugs on her sheets that match the curtains. I'm sure having a diaper blowout on a sheet covered in little cows and pigs will be equally as satisfying as making a mess out of sheets with fairy princesses on them. All of this planning, fretting, painting, brainstorming for the perfect nursery is totally about me and Marco. Most parents I know change the nursery around by time the kid is 2 or 3 because "they're so much more grown up now and need a big boy or girl room".

So it's time to make some decisions. All along I've said I wanted something that isn't too busy. I don't want something that it too 'matchy' (like the aforementioned matching lady bug sheets, curtains, blankets, lampshades...you get the idea). I want something that isn't too baby-ish that Sadie can actually grow into because 2 or 3 years down the road I don't want to have to do this all over again. Well that's a lie, I love doing this! But anyway...

Secretly (well it's not a secret now) I want to paint the entire room pink. Baby pink. Sweet pink. Pink like a piglet. Pink that makes you think of soft baby skin and pinchable chubby cheeks. Pink with pink trim and pink blankets and pink little pigs and pink pink pink pink pink. Marco, on the other hand, wants to stick with the blue like we've said we'd do all along. Ugh. I guess that makes sense. Dammit.

Marco has also said he'd like to have a mural of sorts on the wall. He showed me a picture of one that he was thinking about which I immediately vetoed. In fact I wanted to veto the entire idea of a mural. I just never think they turn out to look as good as you'd hoped they would. Today in the bath I was thinking again about his suggestion and decided maybe a mural would work. Just a little white picket fence with some grass and flowers peeking out. Maybe a big tree in the corner with a nest of baby birds. Maybe a sun, maybe some clouds... ahhh wait... this is all coming back to me now... this is what I wanted to do in the first place. I even have my little sketches somewhere. And the animal art I (we) love would fit right in. Yeah.. some white and iridescent paint mixed together to make some cartoon-y happy clouds (geesh, that's very Bob Ross isn't it?), a little smiley sun, perky colorful flowers and those cute-as-all-get-out animals. Yeah... that sounds nice.

I'm going to go run the idea past Marco! If this is indeed our "theme" then Alexandra has her work cut out for her!

Those 11 hours flew by...

I actually was able to sleep last night and according to my husband I was also snoring like a lumberjack. Opps! So we went in for our ultra sound this morning and found out that we're having a little...

Sadie Marie!!!! I couldn't believe it. I just KNEW this morning, for some reason, that it was going to be a boy. I even told the u/s tech, "yes we'd like to know but we think it's a boy". LOL She said, well you may think it's a boy but I'm looking at a girl here! And there they were, 1, 2, 3 little girl lines. She's 100% healthy, measuring right on target. It was fantastic to see her and watch as she was being measured. She was pretty quiet and laying with her hand up next to her face.

We're just thrilled. Just absolutely elated. Marco's parents are out shopping for all things pink as we speak. It's the first girl in their family so as you can imagine her wardrobe will look like pink threw up in it. Thank God I'm a huge fan of the color.

My mom said she just knew it because when she pictures our child she always see a little girl (who looks unmistakably just like me). My dad, the man of few words, simply said "I didn't want to know." Well too bad! He did congratulate us though.

We immediately went out and bought a little aqua and white checked dress, a pair of blue jeans with pink trim on the pockets and a little while t-shirt that said "I'm going to be a top model"! I couldn't believe they had a shirt that said that especially since ANTM (all though I'm boycotting it) was such a big "deal" during our fertility struggle. (Marco used to tell me after every procedure, appt, disappointment & struggle that "I was one step closer to being the mom of America's Next Top Model" It was a comic relief we needed.)

I can't believe it. I'm going to have a daugther. WOW! A little mini me, attitude and all, strutting around this crazy planet. Unbelievable. Sadie Marie is on her way. Watch out world!

Magic number 11.

I have always liked the number 11 for many reasons. Here are a few

• at 11:11 you get to make a wish.
• 11 means I got the first donut out of the dozen
• 11 is two number 1's so it means your a double winner
• 11 is the month of November which holds my favorite holiday
• 11 is the number of grandchildren my parents currently have

Okay okay so I really don't like the number 11 that well but I had no other ideas on an intro for the following:

11 more hours until our big 20 week ultra sound & finally knowing is this is a little boy baby AA or a girl baby AA!

Yeah, I'm soooo not going to sleep tonight.

Well my extra long walks I took with the dog (and husband) this weekend didn’t keep the pounds off the scale. I was up .8 kilos or 1.76 pounds from last week weighing in a 111.8. This puts me above my target weight gain (or lack of gain) that I have been trying to maintain throughout my pregnancy of 2 lbs or roughly one kilo a month by about 3-4 pounds. Yuck. I’m not too happy about this but to blame it only on exercise would be laughable to say the least. My eating has been less-than-stellar in the last weeks and to putt he blame somewhere where it doesn' t belong is just not me.

I’ve always had a sweet tooth and being pregnant hasn’t curbed that. Thank goodness I’m craving sweets such a fresh fruit but as it’s not in season right now it’s hard to come by. A good example was Monday at the store I wanted a cantaloupe. Melon for supper just seemed like the tastiest option. The 4 they had were the size of softballs and more green than cantaloupe colored. I passed. And really what I really have a hankering for is watermelon but those are nowhere to be found right now. Summer can’t come soon enough! Until then my bananas, oranges, mandrins and grapes are going to have to get me by.

My sweet tooth has also caused me to crave ice cream. I found some really tasty raspberry sorbet drumsticks at the store for only 114 calories a pop! Now just because they’re a lower calorie snack doesn’t mean you can eat 2 or 3 of them in an evening home. Yeah, easy to say, not easy to do, at least for me.

I’ve been sloppy and need to get back on track. I’m going to have to go back to the basics again from when I started my weight loss journey. I’ve gotten away from the foods I used to enjoy because they got boring. I think it’s been enough time now that they’ll seem exciting once again. Okay self, get it together, you’re having a baby here, not a woolly mammoth. No reason to go overboard.

In other news, tomorrow is the big 20 week ultra sound and the day we’ll hopefully be able to find out the sex of this little pumpkin! If I sleep tonight it’ll be a miracle. I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes! Until then, have a healthy day!

Not weight loss or baby related...deep thoughts.

Did you fall off your chair after reading that headline? LOL It seems that the majority of my posts have been pregnancy related rather than weight loss related as of late. Of course being pregnant kind of puts a damper on major weight loss so it makes it hard to stay "on task" for the blog, especially since my mind is flooded with all things baby 24/7!

But today, call it pregnancy hormones if you will, I had a bit of a *deep heavy sigh, what am I doing with my life* moment and I thought I'd just jot down some of my thoughts and get some feedback if you're willing to offer it. (Keith and Josh, be kind or shut up).

A little background, I packed up my life and moved to Amsterdam quite unexpectedly in 2004 when I met Marco. Let me define "quite unexpectedly". I met Marco on Valentines day, 2 months later we were engaged, 3 months later I moved to Amsterdam to be with him and 6 months after that in November 2004 we were married. How's that for whirlwind?

I left my friends, my family, my job that I had been at for 5 years, my school, my apartment...everything... and came to be with the man I love and start a new life here. But the thing is, I never felt like I ever really "started" my life here. We had planned on moving to the US after being here a year so I could finish my degree (I left after my sophomore year was over) but you know how life goes, the only thing you can really plan on is to not have a plan at all or at least that's how it seems to work for me. So I've always sort of had it in the back of my head that "well I'll be in the US eventually and I'll do _____ (fill in the blank with words like finish school, write, get a job I love, hang out with friends) then. I have been living my life that way for some time now, almost 4 years to be honest. I'm quite over it.

I think that's why I was so excited about doing the radio show a few weeks ago. For once since I've been here I was actually doing something from my "old" life. It was like one of my ancient goals was revived and breathed new excitement into me. I'll admit it, I was giddy. I was studying mass communications, minoring in creative writing, in college and had always planned on taking some courses in radio just because it seemed cool. Being at that radio station was like getting back on track. It was a small step but a step I had desperately needed to make for a long long time.

I have email the station a couple times to see about getting some more air time but it seems that they're a bit flooded with volunteers at the moment. This is what spiraled me into my abovementioned *deep heavy sigh, what am I doing with my life* mood today.

I have a decent-ish job. I'm not exactly fond of what I do though. Okay, I have no interest what-so-ever in what I do. I have wonderful coworkers but the work in itself is just not for me. At all. Ever. (I do have some opportunities at this company but it's too much to get into here). I stay because it's difficult to find a job for English speakers only (I've said this before, most people here can speak 3 or 4 languages at least which makes my "fluent English" laughable on my resume). My Dutch is still not good enough to say "I am fluent in Dutch" on because eventually they will call me in for an interview and say "your dunglish is craptastic Sarah" and I don't think I can take that kind of rejection right now.

I stay because I didn't finish that damn degree and it's amazing the kind of education they want you to have even for entry level positions here.

I also stay at this job because I'm pregnant. Duh. Not much splainin to do with that one.

I also don't leave because what the hell else am I going to do? Yeah, I can find another office job because lord knows my admin skills are awesome by now but why move to another job where I'm going to be feeling the exact same way as I do with this job? A lateral movement is not what I'm looking for in the least.

So, I say to myself, self, what will make you happy? What is it that you think is going to magically happen once you move to the US? What is it that you're waiting for? What do you think you can do there that you just can't do here?

And I say to myself... good freaking question.

What do I want to do? I want to write. Period. That's what I want to do. That's what makes me happy.

What do I want to write? Everything. Anything. I want to write magazine articles. I want to write books. I want to write children's books. I want to write a story about my grandma. I want to write about our infertility struggles. I want to write about the struggles of others. I want to write fiction. I want to write an assignment. I don't care. I just want to write. I want to be creative. I want to be funny, powerful, witty, eloquent, touching, thought provoking. I want to be all of these things and what's funny (in a funny queer way, not haha funny) is that I really think I can do this.

So, self, why aren't you doing this? As I was discussing my reasoning's of my foul mood with Marco today he asked me this question. I gave him my answer. It's a stupid answer, I'll admit it, but it is my honest to God truth, cross my heart hope to... well not die, but cross my heart anyway. Girl scouts honor. I don't write because...

I'm afraid to fail.

See, my theory is that if you don't try, then you don't really fail. That's sensible isn't it? I see you're all shaking your head in agreement, good. I mean nobody can say "yeah she tried to be a professional swimmer but unfortunately she swam like a rock" if you never jump in the pool, can they?

But the more I think about my "theory" in my head the more of a coward I think I am. And I don't like being a coward. I mean for pete's sakes look at me! I have done things tons of people would never imagine doing. Were they always smart decisions, probably not. But I've taken chances on things before and they could have really went pear shaped but I did them anyway because I wasn't afraid to fail.. So why is this one thing, the thing I am most passionate about, keeping my head buried in the sand?

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Oh, I've made excuses alright:

"All the information out there is so overwhelming. I can't sift through it all."

Hi lazy excuse, have you seen Sarah anywhere?

"I just don't know where to begin"

If it clucks like a chicken... well... you know the rest.

"You have to know somebody to get your foot in the door."

Oh puh-leez!

The truth is, the only way I'm going to become a writer is to write. So that's going to be one of my big goals this year. Well besides becoming an outstanding mother, a great wife and super radio show host. Have you seen my red cape anywhere?

So I've already looked into an open mic night that they have here. The first one is March '28th. It's a Friday night and lord knows I never have any pressing plans on Friday nights so Marco and I are going to go. I'm going to check out the atmosphere and see what kinds of things they are reading. It's open for writers, musicians, poets, storytellers... so quite a buffet-o-talents there. Then I am vowing that the following month I am going to submit something to be read. By me. In public. In front of people, which is what in public means, but really, I'm going to do it. I have to. I just can't keep waiting for life to slow down before I start living it the way I want to.

*********************************************************

I would like to take this little moment to thank MJR, my dear sweet husband for encouraging me to follow my dreams. As I moaned and groaned to him this afternoon he asked me "if you had to do it all over again, would you not come here and marry me?" Is he trying to break my heart? Of course I wouldn't change THAT for the world. We have some very wonderful things in our life and I wouldn't trade them in for any book deal. My husband is indescribable in words and absolutely irreplaceable. I don't know what I would do without him. What I would change is my piss poor attitude for the past 3.5 years. I would quit living in the "someday soon" and start living it immediately. I love you MJR! I'd chose the whirlwind over and over again every time you asked!

"Moving" right along!

Let's set the mood and the scene...

It's a windy leap year evening about 10 o'clock. The two tuckered out soon-to-be parents take the overly energetic puppy out for one last evening sniff about the neighborhood before turning in. They brush their teeth and visit the WC one last time before climbing under the covers for a much needed sleep. The disappointed Corgi drops his toy when he realizes it's night-night time and retires to his place under the bed. It's just a little snuggle and a quick kiss before Marco is snoring away.

I need some time to "reflect" before I'm sawing logs. Thinking has always been my nemesis when trying to sleep. Last night was another one of those nights. My head was filled with thoughts of the baby, the upcoming ultra sound, if it's a boy or a girl... just every day thoughts really.

I always lay on my back with my hand on my belly for a little while before I roll over to sleep *hoping* I will feel something. I'm in my 20th week so it should be happening any time. It's like a little bonding time for me and the pumpkin too.

As I was laying, thoughts of mini-me sprinting through my head I felt a little tickle. I tried to scratch it away when I realized it wasn't a tickle I could touch from the outside. It was coming from within! It was like somebody was running their finger (maybe a baby sized elbow, foot or hand) right below my belly button like they were trying to scratch an itch. Do you remember the little flip you get in your belly the first time you kiss somebody that you really really like? That's what this tickle felt like. Like your first kiss. Like the first time you're in love. You know, the little butterfly flip. I touched right where the tickle was coming from and my belly was really hard right there whereas it usually feels harder lower down in my tummy. It was little baby AA!

When it happened the second time (I was finally convinced this wasn't just gas) I woke Marco up from his sleep to let him know I felt the baby. We'd been anticipating this moment for weeks. He groggily acknowledged that he understood what I was talking about. I pushed a little on my belly hoping to let the baby know "it's your Mommy and I know you're in there! I can feel you" and tears filled my eyes. It's really my baby in there.

It only lasted for a few minutes off and on but it was wonderful! Marco woke up a little more fully to rest his hand on my belly to see if he could feel anything. It's still a bit too early for that though.

I fell asleep with our hands on my belly, on our baby, letting them know that we're here. It was one of the most beautiful moments we've shared.