In more ways than one! I am back from my long, wonderful, funtastic vacation in the USA and I am back on the weight loss wagon. The scale was not nice to me this morning. No feelings were held back when it shouted out ugly, heavy numbers at me but I must say that I am not surprised at all. I could feel it in my clothes. I oculd feel it in my body. I could feel it in my knees. I knew I had gained weight. It just was bound to happen whilst in the land of super size, free refills and cheesecake. I love my cheesecake and it loves camping out on my thighs. So, I've gone to the US, I've weighed in afterwards and now we begin... again....
I had my first appointment with my new councilor this morning. She was fantastic and we've got a plan of action. I'm back to logging my food, eating every 2.5 - 3 hours to keep my blood sugars up and level and I'm feeling focused. Marco (my husband) and I talked a lot about a plan of action for when I returned home and we sorted some things out. We realize mistakes I have made, where things go wrongly wrong and how I easily get distracted and derailed. He's, once again, totally on board with whatever it is I want and need to get going again.
I also talked to the new councilor about weight loss surgery. She knows it's on my mind but I told her right now I just want to focus on getting my head on straight and then we'll see where we go from there. It's still a viable step in the process of permanent weight loss but I just am not ready for such a drastic step right now (as in these next two months) but it's still on the table. We've also discussed me going to OA meetings on my own, since I won't be joining in the group therapy they offer since it's in Dutch. I'm still on the fence about that but hey, I should at least try it, right?
I've also decided that I need to take the guess work out of my meals for lunch at work so I am going to start brown bagging it. Then I know what I'll be eating and won't be tempted to jump the salad bar line for the more savory hot lunch option, which generally consists of a lot more calories that I ever intend to eat for lunch. By skipping the cafeteria lines altogether I won't have to say "no" to the carrot cake, or taco bar, or whatever else they have that derails me. This is actually a really important step that Dr. Phil talks about in his book too, making your environment around you one that you can be successful in. I can't very well shut down the canteen at work, but I can avoid standing in its lines.
SO there is a brief howdy for now. I'll try to catch you all up on everything again in the next couple of days.
I hope you've all had healthy, successful weeks!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 05, 2010
Vacation time!
I wanted to check in to say I'm checking out... for about 3 weeks! I'm going "home" to the US for a nice, long, much needed break so more than likely I won't be updating my blog in that time.
I've made my further counseling appointment and have still been looking into the lap-band. No decisions have been made and probably won't be made until after my vacation is over. I’ve discussed it with my husband and he is on board with whatever I choose to do but of course we would talk about it more extensively if I decide to go that direction.
I just had my uncle here for a visit and I can actually say that even though I was in “vacation” mode, I didn’t go overboard. That’s pretty easy to do here though, when I’m in the US (Thanksgiving) it can be a whole other ballgame. I don’t want to be super restrictive or obsessive while I’m there with some home cooking but I also don’t want to come back weight 10 pounds more than I did when I left (which is actually doable in 3 weeks time, trust me). I’m just going to try to be conscious, splurge on the things I really do miss and cannot get here and sacrifice at the times when it really won’t matter, like having a much lighter breakfast rather than the full meal deal.
So, I’m signing out for a short while but will be back on the 30th with an update from Dewy and what the plan is.
I wish you all happy, healthy, successful weeks for the upcoming rest of the month!
I've made my further counseling appointment and have still been looking into the lap-band. No decisions have been made and probably won't be made until after my vacation is over. I’ve discussed it with my husband and he is on board with whatever I choose to do but of course we would talk about it more extensively if I decide to go that direction.
I just had my uncle here for a visit and I can actually say that even though I was in “vacation” mode, I didn’t go overboard. That’s pretty easy to do here though, when I’m in the US (Thanksgiving) it can be a whole other ballgame. I don’t want to be super restrictive or obsessive while I’m there with some home cooking but I also don’t want to come back weight 10 pounds more than I did when I left (which is actually doable in 3 weeks time, trust me). I’m just going to try to be conscious, splurge on the things I really do miss and cannot get here and sacrifice at the times when it really won’t matter, like having a much lighter breakfast rather than the full meal deal.
So, I’m signing out for a short while but will be back on the 30th with an update from Dewy and what the plan is.
I wish you all happy, healthy, successful weeks for the upcoming rest of the month!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
More thoughts on lap band
I belong to a social group of women that have all struggled with infertility but of course we branch off into other topics as well. I shared with them that I am considering lap band surgery and so we've been having conversations over the past week and when I was typing a reply here I thought it was kind of blog worthy. So below is my reply to a woman who shared both a positive surgery story and a negative one:
What I think I look forward to most is just NOT being able to eat so much. It's strange but I will enjoy not being able to over eat. I am already working with a therapist for my weight issues and one of my biggest hurdles is trying to figure out why I have to feel full, like verge of puking full, in order to stop eating. I am very "into" texture and sometimes will eat food simply because of that. I have had panic attacks on "diets" because I don't have that full feeling and I just flip out. My mental behavior is not normal and I totally 100% recognize this it's actually why I sought out help in the first place.
(the woman talked about a friend's surgery who experienced depression afterwards so that is the "male" I refer to here) I actually think it's really strange that the male you mentioned didn't realize there would be depression issues afterwards. I think that's one of the things I kind of expect, really, is just to be shocked and shaken up a bit. Maybe not full on "depressed" but really, your totally changing gears. When I think about how I felt the first year living in a foreign country, that's kind of how I expect this to feel for me, should I go through with it. When I moved to Holland I thought... okay, some things are the same but even though they may looks the same, they're actually very, very different. That's how I think I'll feel after a surgery like this. Although I will still need to eat, it's going to end up being very, very different. I didn't go into moving to Holland naive to the fact that it would be difficult, but there was no way to really prepare myself for the problems I really faced. I think surgery is kind of like that. I can prepare myself the best I can, but once its happening to me, it may be a different ball game.
When I read the stories of people who still eat like shit or gain weight or any of that I really just know in my heart that that would not be me. And of course it's easy to say "yeah, well that's what everybody thinks" but again, I just know myself. I'm not taking this decision (which has not been made yet) lightly. I don't enjoy what I'm doing to my body by over eating. I don't enjoy hiding food from people, hiding my eating. I don't enjoy wondering what people say about me behind my back or think of me when I'm in public. I look forward to the day when I simply cannot eat like I do.
The surgery would be both mental and physical stimulation for me. The physical part is obvious but the mental part also plays a big role. I would "know" that I could not eat __________ so I would be okay with that. It's just really hard to explain how my mind works with food.
In the end, I blame my parents and lima beans. LOL
(not really mom and dad)
What I think I look forward to most is just NOT being able to eat so much. It's strange but I will enjoy not being able to over eat. I am already working with a therapist for my weight issues and one of my biggest hurdles is trying to figure out why I have to feel full, like verge of puking full, in order to stop eating. I am very "into" texture and sometimes will eat food simply because of that. I have had panic attacks on "diets" because I don't have that full feeling and I just flip out. My mental behavior is not normal and I totally 100% recognize this it's actually why I sought out help in the first place.
(the woman talked about a friend's surgery who experienced depression afterwards so that is the "male" I refer to here) I actually think it's really strange that the male you mentioned didn't realize there would be depression issues afterwards. I think that's one of the things I kind of expect, really, is just to be shocked and shaken up a bit. Maybe not full on "depressed" but really, your totally changing gears. When I think about how I felt the first year living in a foreign country, that's kind of how I expect this to feel for me, should I go through with it. When I moved to Holland I thought... okay, some things are the same but even though they may looks the same, they're actually very, very different. That's how I think I'll feel after a surgery like this. Although I will still need to eat, it's going to end up being very, very different. I didn't go into moving to Holland naive to the fact that it would be difficult, but there was no way to really prepare myself for the problems I really faced. I think surgery is kind of like that. I can prepare myself the best I can, but once its happening to me, it may be a different ball game.
When I read the stories of people who still eat like shit or gain weight or any of that I really just know in my heart that that would not be me. And of course it's easy to say "yeah, well that's what everybody thinks" but again, I just know myself. I'm not taking this decision (which has not been made yet) lightly. I don't enjoy what I'm doing to my body by over eating. I don't enjoy hiding food from people, hiding my eating. I don't enjoy wondering what people say about me behind my back or think of me when I'm in public. I look forward to the day when I simply cannot eat like I do.
The surgery would be both mental and physical stimulation for me. The physical part is obvious but the mental part also plays a big role. I would "know" that I could not eat __________ so I would be okay with that. It's just really hard to explain how my mind works with food.
In the end, I blame my parents and lima beans. LOL
(not really mom and dad)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Good advice from many good people
After getting some good advice from my friend Keith, I went ahead and called my councelor this morning to plan my appointment for after my vacation. I don't want to have to wait another 3 or 4 weeks after I get back to get in, because Lord knows things can take forever here. Love his logic. (and his attentiveness to how things go here in NL)
After getting some good advice from my friend Claire, I have looked even further into Lap Band surgery just to be as informed as I can be and she basically said "if you're serious about doing it, then get to doing it". Love that girl and her ability to give it to me straight.
After getting some good advice from my friend Marco, who also doubles as my husband, I'm going to keep researching, talk it out with him, talk it out with Dewy, check with my insurance (and I think they cover it) and have some good sleeps on it. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight on my own but he understand not wanting to lose any more time with Sadie, being able to do things a parent should be able to do with their child.
Ali - I do appreciate your taking the time to comment on my last post and sharing your friend's experiences with me. (and the rest of this parapgrah is not just intended for you, it's to clear up questions from anybody reading this blog). I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that I thought that surgery was "easy" because, naturally, I'm not looking for a quick and easy fix. I think of surgery as another step in the process to aid in my weight loss, along with the help of my councelor and nutritionist. (and agasin, it's not that this is a "done deal' I am just thinking outloud via my blog).
I do know, as with any surgery, that there are risks involved, of course. There are bigger risks at staying this weight though too, such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, not to mention the damage I am doing to my joints. You (collectively) can be sure that this decision would be one that I would never take lightly, that I am researching and hasn't just popped into my head. I've been contemplating and reading over different surgeries for years. It's just that this is the only time that I have ever seen it really as a viable option. If I'm not a good candidate for it, then who is? What is the real criteria? Do I have to wait until I'm imobile? Do I have to wait until I am diagnosed with diabetes? When is the final step when surgery is actually acceptable? When I've battled my weight my entire adult life, and I'm now 34, when do I finally say, enough, I need more help? Is it when I'm 40? Is it when I have a health scare? What is that deadline that will make surgery a real, true option?
Thanks again for all of your input and all of your advice! Please, good, bad, positive, negative, leave me your comments. Try to keep in mind though what I've mentioned above and don't assume I am walking into this blind or lightly (no pun intended).
After getting some good advice from my friend Claire, I have looked even further into Lap Band surgery just to be as informed as I can be and she basically said "if you're serious about doing it, then get to doing it". Love that girl and her ability to give it to me straight.
After getting some good advice from my friend Marco, who also doubles as my husband, I'm going to keep researching, talk it out with him, talk it out with Dewy, check with my insurance (and I think they cover it) and have some good sleeps on it. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight on my own but he understand not wanting to lose any more time with Sadie, being able to do things a parent should be able to do with their child.
Ali - I do appreciate your taking the time to comment on my last post and sharing your friend's experiences with me. (and the rest of this parapgrah is not just intended for you, it's to clear up questions from anybody reading this blog). I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that I thought that surgery was "easy" because, naturally, I'm not looking for a quick and easy fix. I think of surgery as another step in the process to aid in my weight loss, along with the help of my councelor and nutritionist. (and agasin, it's not that this is a "done deal' I am just thinking outloud via my blog).
I do know, as with any surgery, that there are risks involved, of course. There are bigger risks at staying this weight though too, such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, not to mention the damage I am doing to my joints. You (collectively) can be sure that this decision would be one that I would never take lightly, that I am researching and hasn't just popped into my head. I've been contemplating and reading over different surgeries for years. It's just that this is the only time that I have ever seen it really as a viable option. If I'm not a good candidate for it, then who is? What is the real criteria? Do I have to wait until I'm imobile? Do I have to wait until I am diagnosed with diabetes? When is the final step when surgery is actually acceptable? When I've battled my weight my entire adult life, and I'm now 34, when do I finally say, enough, I need more help? Is it when I'm 40? Is it when I have a health scare? What is that deadline that will make surgery a real, true option?
Thanks again for all of your input and all of your advice! Please, good, bad, positive, negative, leave me your comments. Try to keep in mind though what I've mentioned above and don't assume I am walking into this blind or lightly (no pun intended).
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Canceled my appointment
I had to cancel my appointment with my new councilor due to unforseen circumstances at my home, mainly a turn of events such as needing to take off work early all next week, Marco almost ripping off his entire toe nail, Sadie having a horrible head cold and my in-laws being on vacation, all things together means I cannot possibly make an 8:30 appointment.
I called and canceled it and didn't schedule a new one. Not because I am not going to go, but because in a few weeks time we're going to be on vacation in the USA and I think it's best just to start fresh after then.
I've, once again, been tossing around the idea of looking into having lap band surgery. I am going to talk to a friend of mine in the US who had it done a couple of years ago as I have some questions and I know her surgery didn't go off without a hitch. I don't want only to hear good things, I want to know the entire truth, as it can happen.
I know many people have many opinions on this type of surgery so feel free to voice them or if you want to share your exerience with me I'm all ears.
I have always pushed off the thought of surgery, justifying with "if I can eat so little AFTER the surgery, then surely I can do it beforehand with the same results" but I am actually feeling that maybe I need the actual physical inability to eat in bulk in order to make myself not do it.
I thought of it this way... I can't write left handed. I mean, sure I can hold a pen in that hand and write, but it's extremely difficult and sloppy. I'm just a right handed girl. Now, should my right hand be cut off, you bet your ass I'd be able to learn to write with my left hand and woudl learnt o eventually lead a more normal life. Along those same lines, I can eat right/less/better but I obviously have issues with doing it well. Cut off my ability to do so and I am all but forced into doing it.
I have a severe doubt in my abaility to lose weight and keep it off. Severe and justified doubts. Then I see my friend, who had the surgery probably 7 years ago, who hadn't wasted the last 7 years fighting, struggling, arguing, depressed, anxious, battling against her weight. Yeah, sure, she's had her own battles and her life hasn't been perfect, I'm sure, but she overcame this one huge hurdle. I want that peace.
I called and canceled it and didn't schedule a new one. Not because I am not going to go, but because in a few weeks time we're going to be on vacation in the USA and I think it's best just to start fresh after then.
I've, once again, been tossing around the idea of looking into having lap band surgery. I am going to talk to a friend of mine in the US who had it done a couple of years ago as I have some questions and I know her surgery didn't go off without a hitch. I don't want only to hear good things, I want to know the entire truth, as it can happen.
I know many people have many opinions on this type of surgery so feel free to voice them or if you want to share your exerience with me I'm all ears.
I have always pushed off the thought of surgery, justifying with "if I can eat so little AFTER the surgery, then surely I can do it beforehand with the same results" but I am actually feeling that maybe I need the actual physical inability to eat in bulk in order to make myself not do it.
I thought of it this way... I can't write left handed. I mean, sure I can hold a pen in that hand and write, but it's extremely difficult and sloppy. I'm just a right handed girl. Now, should my right hand be cut off, you bet your ass I'd be able to learn to write with my left hand and woudl learnt o eventually lead a more normal life. Along those same lines, I can eat right/less/better but I obviously have issues with doing it well. Cut off my ability to do so and I am all but forced into doing it.
I have a severe doubt in my abaility to lose weight and keep it off. Severe and justified doubts. Then I see my friend, who had the surgery probably 7 years ago, who hadn't wasted the last 7 years fighting, struggling, arguing, depressed, anxious, battling against her weight. Yeah, sure, she's had her own battles and her life hasn't been perfect, I'm sure, but she overcame this one huge hurdle. I want that peace.
Monday, October 18, 2010
still here!
Sorry it's been so long. I've got my next appointment with my new Dewy (disordely eating woman, yay!) woman on Wednesday and I will update after that. Until then there really isn't much to tell I guess. My eating has sucked, my attitude has been worse than my eating and without that focus of having biweekly check-ins with a councelor, I've been totally derailed. Even on the days when I say "okay, knock it off, get back to it" I still never quite "get back to it". I have all the greatest intentions of the world but no drive or focus. I suck. Well, I feel that I suck. A lot.
And that's where I am!
And that's where I am!
Friday, October 08, 2010
Asking for your help
As you all know (or some new readers may not know) we struggled with infertility for several years before finally getting pregnant with my daughter. Through our struggle I have been fortunate enought to meet some incredible people, mostly women, who share some common ground... we all suffer(ed) with some form of fertility issues.
That is how I came to know Karin and her husband Marlon. They still have not realized their dreams of becoming parents and are now enlisting in the help of the internet to do so. Can you please read their blog and see if you, or somebody you know would be able to help Karin and Marlon become the family that have always dreamed of becoming?
If you read their story, and are in a position to do so, please feel free to share the link either on your own blog, via email, on message boards... however you feel you can help them make that connection.
That is how I came to know Karin and her husband Marlon. They still have not realized their dreams of becoming parents and are now enlisting in the help of the internet to do so. Can you please read their blog and see if you, or somebody you know would be able to help Karin and Marlon become the family that have always dreamed of becoming?
If you read their story, and are in a position to do so, please feel free to share the link either on your own blog, via email, on message boards... however you feel you can help them make that connection.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Overeaters Anonymous Anyone?
Well I still haven't heard from the Disorderly Eating Center regarding my new councilor and next session, as Dewy told me I would. She said it would be 2 to 3 weeks and this is only week 2, so it's not like they're late but come on already, make me an appointment. Seeing that it took them 4 months to get my first appointment, I’m not expecting the phone to ring any time soon.
I did have the ever so slightest epiphany though. I realized that when I have appointments, it makes me feel like I have somebody or something holding me accountable and I stay a lot more “on task” than if I am just going it alone. That says a lot to me. It's kind of like people who join weight watchers for the meetings because then, mentally, they're being held accountable. It's something to put in my back pocket for later on down the road when I'm no longer seeing my councilor.
I had some friends from the US at my house last week(ish) and it was so easy to be derailed, especially knowing that I had no appointment to weigh-in at in the near future. There was not one morsel of food recorded. There was no plan adhered to. It was complete and utter chaotic food-ness for 5 days and I am paying the price. I gained back a good solid kilo (2.2 lbs) and a smidgeon more but I have since put myself back on track with eating at regularly scheduled intervals. Making wiser choices. Planning ahead. Drinking water.
I wondered if any of you readers out there have ever joined Overeaters Anonymous? It was something that Dewy suggested I look into here, as there is an English speaking chapter. I haven’t yet got up the guts to even google it but I would be more than happy to hear your experiences or thoughts. I don't know why I'm being such a wimp about it. I mean, I'm already reaching out for help, this is just another hand to hold, shoulder to lean on, group to speak with, right? So let me know your thoughts!
I did have the ever so slightest epiphany though. I realized that when I have appointments, it makes me feel like I have somebody or something holding me accountable and I stay a lot more “on task” than if I am just going it alone. That says a lot to me. It's kind of like people who join weight watchers for the meetings because then, mentally, they're being held accountable. It's something to put in my back pocket for later on down the road when I'm no longer seeing my councilor.
I had some friends from the US at my house last week(ish) and it was so easy to be derailed, especially knowing that I had no appointment to weigh-in at in the near future. There was not one morsel of food recorded. There was no plan adhered to. It was complete and utter chaotic food-ness for 5 days and I am paying the price. I gained back a good solid kilo (2.2 lbs) and a smidgeon more but I have since put myself back on track with eating at regularly scheduled intervals. Making wiser choices. Planning ahead. Drinking water.
I wondered if any of you readers out there have ever joined Overeaters Anonymous? It was something that Dewy suggested I look into here, as there is an English speaking chapter. I haven’t yet got up the guts to even google it but I would be more than happy to hear your experiences or thoughts. I don't know why I'm being such a wimp about it. I mean, I'm already reaching out for help, this is just another hand to hold, shoulder to lean on, group to speak with, right? So let me know your thoughts!
I hope you’re all having healthy, successful weeks!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Happy Birthday To ME!
I turn 34 today and although I don't have a lot of time to write, I would like to say that by this time next year there will be a whole new Sarah staring back at me in the mirror, a Sarah who has her shiznit mentally pulled together with all things food related, or at least a heck of a lot more together than she has it right now, or even a few months ago.
That is my solemn vow to myself and to all you out there in blog world. Feel free to hold me to it next year at this time!
Hope you're all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks!
That is my solemn vow to myself and to all you out there in blog world. Feel free to hold me to it next year at this time!
Hope you're all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks!
Friday, September 10, 2010
We're getting somewhere...
I had my third appointment with Dewy and they've finally decided what in the world they're going to do with me. They've decided that since I wasn't totally comfortable with group therapy, especially in Dutch, they would allow me to only go with one-on-one help. That was such a huge relief for me. The new woman I will see is also half british so another native speaker, which means there shoudn't be a language barrier. Unfortunately this woman has a waiting list (insert big fat eye roll) so I don't have my next appiontment scheduled yet but they "think" it should be only a couple of weeks. If I don't hear back in two I'm going to call.
In the meantime, I am going to continue to do what's been working for me. I will continue to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours, stick to the recommended foods and snacks and just try to lose a bit more on my own. I have maintained my loss this week, which is great.
I've finished reading "Mindless Eating" and I really cannot say enough positive, great things about that book. I am going to go through it a second time, highlighting things that "speak" to me and put their suggestions into play. What I really loved most though, and it was a surprise ending, is that at the end of the book it listed 6 or 7 of the most well known "diet" plans (Adkins, South Beach, etc.) and gave a kind of overview of what the diet entails, the positives and the negatives. It seemed extremely unbiased, which was refreshing.
So that's about it for me! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!
In the meantime, I am going to continue to do what's been working for me. I will continue to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours, stick to the recommended foods and snacks and just try to lose a bit more on my own. I have maintained my loss this week, which is great.
I've finished reading "Mindless Eating" and I really cannot say enough positive, great things about that book. I am going to go through it a second time, highlighting things that "speak" to me and put their suggestions into play. What I really loved most though, and it was a surprise ending, is that at the end of the book it listed 6 or 7 of the most well known "diet" plans (Adkins, South Beach, etc.) and gave a kind of overview of what the diet entails, the positives and the negatives. It seemed extremely unbiased, which was refreshing.
So that's about it for me! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!
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