Yikes!

I really didn't realize it had been sooooo long since I'd written. I though maybe a month but geesh! I guess when I don't have such high highs and low lows everything seems just kind of mundane and there isn't much to tell.

I'm doing great. Mentally I am doing terriffic. I haven't binged in well over eight months and possibly longer.

I am slacking on my exercise but within the last two weeks have picked it up again. It's nothing extreme just an extra walk at lunch on days of good weather. I bought the newest Just Dance Three for the Wii and love it. I'm trying to get in three times a week, 40 minutes a go but I'm not quite "there" yet.

My weight has still stalled. I am still hovering between 125 and 126 kilos back and forth. I know once I get into a regular exercise routine I will hop right over that hurdle but the strange (and somewhat positive) thing is, I'm no longer beating myself up for not being all "go get em tiger" about the whole thing. I may have to put a bit more "get em" into my life but at least I'm not having manic feelings and thoughts anymore about this entire process. That's beautiful.

We're getting ready to go on vacation in a few weeks and will be doing tons of walking around DISNEYWORLD! I've never been there and am really looking forward to see Sadie's little face as she meets some of her favorite characters.

So that's where I am today! I will try to post again before I go and then again after. Feel free to hold me to that!

Hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Thinking Outloud

I'm still alive and here is proof.

Okay so that's just a cheap way to show you all how cute my kid has gotten in the three years she's been here on earth.

I'm not really sure what's going on... I guess a new phase in my life has started and my blog has gone by the wayside. It means, in no way, that I have stopped anything that I learned with DEWY and Novarum. I'm still plugging along, slowly but surely. Well actually I'm still staying steady where I was two weeks ago and two months ago but at least I'm staying steady. I'm not having manic diet thoughts. I'm not making myself feel guilty over food. Or happy over food. Or anything over food. I still have that beast conquered. I still love the decision that I made to go for help and I still am thrilled at the results.

I guess because it's just going so... I don't know... what's the word... smoothly(?) that I don't really know what to say. I'm just kind of stupmed. I'm not doing any big huge mile stone goals, which is what I've always filled my blog with in the past. I'm just going with the flow, albeit mindfully, and that does't leave for very interesting writing material.

I've also got a few more distrations keeping me from blogging regularly. I've started doing some other writing projects which thrills me to bits. My job is going amazingly well. I'm super happy there. My life at home is stupendous. My kid is great. I'm feeling great. I'm loving my friends. I'm loving my life and things seem to be going in a forward, positive motion. As far as weight loss is concerned though... it's just kind of the same.

I'm not going to close down my blog. I don't think that would be the right thing to do at all but it feels a bit silly to have it sitting here and not writing in it. Maybe I need to find some little motivations that are weight loss and healthy eating related that will get me posting and keep me posting more often.

Feel free to shout out some answers. Give feed back. What should I do at this point? Where do I go from here? What goals should I make? What direction should .02 take?

In the meantime I hope you're having happy, healthy, successful weeks!

still here

not much to report. I am on a plateau between 124-126 kilos and am just waiting for something interesting to happen.

Bye bye DEWY!

So I've been released from care under DEWY. They've taught me all they can teach me and I am doing so well with the tools they've given me that they've trusted me with my own care. Kind of scary.

I'm not exactly sure what I was extecting to happen when I actually reached out and sought help. I guess I was expecting it to take a hell of a lot longer and I was planning on being a lot more depressed, upset and really, just unable. But it didn't work out that way at all. I kind of... you know... did it.

So that's really all I'm doing. I'm just following the plan, albeit not perfectly, I am following it. I guess all along I wasn't striving for perfection but I do need to keep track that I am at least hitting my 80% mark most times.

I do not exercise. At all. I haven't since I got back from vacation. This has to change for a plethora of reasons but the main one being it makes me feel fabulous when I do it. It makes everything else fall into place. It makes a serious difference in my life. I still haven't given up on the idea of swimming. Dewy even suggested that if I can just do it once a week that's better than nothing and seriously, of course I can do it once a week!

I'm still on the path to get back to where I was pre-vacation and that's taking a lot longer than I expected. I try not to let it get to me but hey, I'm human, it does get to me. I want to be right back to where I was, easy peasy, but it's not working out that way. Well, that's a bit childish to say it that way. It's not that "it's" not working out that way, more like I'm not working out that way. I just need to regain that focus I had.

So that's my concentration this week, just to focus. Timing, portions, water, fish and some freaking exercise for Pete's sake!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

Swimming = fail

Well to be honest, it's not the swimming that was a failure, it was my ability to drag myself out of bed in the morning to get to the pool that was a failure. Do you know how early 6AM is? It's way, way early! I think if I would just do it for a week, I would get used to it, but I seriously haven´t been able to make myself go at all!

Not to fret, I didn´t let my lack of waking up to swim stop me from moving altogether. I did manage to get in a bike ride and a couple walks but nothing like the planned exercise I had all worked out in my head. I hasn´t helped that it´s been rainy and cold here either.

I´ve been eating more than I should and more often than I should. Evening snacking is killing me. I`m going to have to find a better focus in the evenings.

So overall things are just going along. I´ve got some other things going on in my life, which makes me neglect my blog a bit but no worries, I`m still here, plugging along. I´ll start my regular weigh in´s in a bit, or maybe I should start them tomorrow just to hold myself responsible and keep  myself accountable. We´ll see how the morning goes.

We´re thinking about buying a house and have done some looking around and meeting a mortgage broker tomorrow, so wish us luck!

I finally weighed in and Swimming for Weight Loss

Today I had my first appointment with DEWY (my disordely eating therapist) since being back from vacation. We weighed in and the numbers, no matter how ugly, didn't really deter me from the fabulous feeling of vacation success. I weighed in at 126.6 kilo or 278 lbs. That's a 9 pound gain from where I was the day I left from vacation. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean I failed, because as I posted below, I fought off some of the worst eating related demons that had held onto me my entire life. I won this battle. I kicked vacation ass and took names. I feel fabulous about my accomplishments and how easily I have slipped back into my pre-vacation life.

I have gotten back into the "game" back into stride and am right back where I need to be, mentally, with eating. I am back in my routine of eating every 2-3 hours, two fruits a day, normal portions, plenty of water, fish 2 times a week, exercise and not being food obsessed. This is huge for me. Generally after vacations I would go into "homesick" mode for a couple weeks and then have to really persuade myself, eventually, to get back at it. Not this time. Not this life. Not this me. It is empowering, this control I seem to have mustered up.

When Dewy asked me this morning what else she could do for me, I said "I really don't know" and that felt fantastic. I seemingly have a grip on things. No, not seemingly, I do have a grip on things. My head and thoughts are so much quieter now than they were just a year(ish) ago when I really started persuing help to deal with my food issues. I can remember the torture that it was to stand in line at lunch with all of the questions running through my head, so loud, thunderous, jumbled, screaming, quietly berating me. Now I stand in line and I don't worry about food, other than my choice of lunch, I don't think food related thoughts at all. I have time for other thoughts like "man, I need new shoes to go with this outfit". Let me tell you THAT'S a lot more fun to have swimming in your head. I'll invite thoughts of shoes and shopping to paddle through my brain any old time!

I quit binging. I have quit the binge eating. I no longer binge eat. Binging and me are like oil and vinegar. Binge? Nope, not today! Done with that chapter. Signing off.

I quit hiding my food and eating, hidden in shame. I've stopped it. I will not start again. Ever.

Oh! Speaking of things swimming... I am soon to be that thing swimming! I have decided to start swimming as a form of exercise and found a pool right by my house that opens at 6:30 AM for laps! That means I will be able to ride my bike to the pool, swim, ride my bike home, shower and still make it to work by 9! How's that grab ya? I'm going to start next Monday, three times a week to begin with. I've never, ever swum laps before, so I'm going to ask for a little instruction at the pool but any advice you all can give, feel free! I can swim well, just never in a straight line, under water, with a purpose.

I have more stories to tell, more things I want to share but just not the time today. This will have to do ya!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks! Thanks for stopping by!

I am BACK!

We arrived safe and sound back in Amsterdam yesterday morning and WOW! Vacation was AWESOME. It seemed like it lasted forever and that's a good thing.... on most fronts...I was very happy to be home in my own very large, firm bed but mostly, I am just thrilled to be back in my routine in my old environment where I can focus less on food!

I have not weighed myself yet as I am super swollen from the flight and I'm not even really sure if I want to weigh myself. I know I gained, and I don't think it was just a little but that's not the reason I don't want to weigh. I don't want to get on the scale because I am actually really PROUD of how I handled food while I was away and I don't want any number to "ruin" my positive outlook on how these last 3+ weeks played out.

So I don't want to sound braggy like "OMG I was so awesome and did everything perfectly" but I do want to really focus on those accomplishments I did have, rather than wallowing in "OMG, I SUCK" self pity at the things that may not have gone as planned. So here are the great things that happened...

I never once, not even one time, ate until I was sick. That may seem pretty slight to some of you, but as a person who used to spend every day on vacation stuffing herself with American food because "I just can't get this at home", and feeling miserable pretty much all day long, this is a VERY big deal. Seriously, huge.

I went to restaurants for breakfast and didn't order the entire menu. LOL I am a biscuit and gravy freak, love the stuff, but usually I would order that with eggs, and bacon and sausage and a pancake and justify it all with "I can't get this in the Netherlands". This year, DEWY really helped me keep things in perspective. Yes, I can't get a lot of that stuff in the NL but that doesn't mean I have to eat all of it for every meal for three weeks! So one morning I would have a biscuit and gravy. The next morning I would have pancakes (no more than two). The next day it was eggs and bacon. Next day sausage sammy.... I spaced it out. Can you imagine what a HUGE difference in calories that must have made?

I went to some of our favorite restaurants and ordered different, healthier choice items. To be honest with you, within the first week I was already sick of brats on the grill, burgers on the grill, hotdogs and pretty much every greasy, yummy grilled food item I usually drool for. So when we went to our favorite burger joint (Red Robin) I ordered... a chicken salad. LOL It was not expected and I wasn't in "diet" mode but man, I just wanted some crispy greens! I realized then, that we had eaten hardly any veggies with our meals for the first few days, it was just meat meat meat. I made it a point to order salads for a lot of my meals over the three week period and it really didn't seem like I missed out on anything.

The first, of many, trips to Walmart resulted in a HUGE watermelon that I munched on for days. Yum. I didn't manege to eat my two fruits a day on most days, it just didn't happen, but every day I did get in at least one fruit, which made me kind of proud. In the past, fruit was NOT a vacation item. Ever.

One dark cloud with a very silver lining was the DQ. Oh the Dairy Queen, how my family loves you and we showed you this almost every day of vacation by keeping your business alive. Ice cream every day isn't the best choice but I did make smarter choices while there. I tried the mini blizzard and it was just the right amount of everything! I didn't eat banana splits every day, I kept things simple and small. That's a HUGE feat for me! HUGE! And the best part about it is that now that I am at home, I know I'm not going to eat ice cream every single day and I am sooooo okay with that!

I drank tons of water and iced tea. I walked a lot. I didn't get in as much exercise as I had planned but I still did a lot more than usual.

I shopped like there was no tomorrow! I bought sizes that I haven't worn since before Sadie was born. I purged my closet of the items that no longer fit me and things that I don't plan on having fit me by time winter creeps in....

I really feel like vacation, although not perfect, was a huge success for me. I'm not sure if I want the scale to tell me any different and actually I do control that. no matter what the numbers, I won. I overcame so many of my vacationisms that I usually lived by. I succeeded in the USA and I am very, very proud of myself. No number on the scale is going to take THAT away from me.

For now, my life is just going to get back to my routine and I will continue on my path to weight loss!

I hope you all have had very healthy, successful weeks while I've been gone and I look forward to catching up!

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in results are in and I tipped the scales at a mere (HA!) 122.4 kilos or 269 lbs! That's a total loss to date of 14.6 kilos or 32.12 lbs! That's a fantastic start to what will be a long journey but it's a really good start to my vacation!

I'll be in the US for a couple of weeks and I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging so hang in there, I'll be right back and can't wait to share how the "experiment" of a weight loss girl coming to America pans out!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful week! See you soon!

Holy Crap! Sorry!

Thanks to Becklette for her gentle reminder that I have been neglecting my blog!

I guess I just don't know what to say. Nothing is really "new". I am doing well. Things are going brilliantly. I'm just plugging along, doing what I do and the weight is coming off slowly. Lather, rinse, repeat. Oh and I am preparing for a 23 day stint in the USA.

oh, yeah, we can totally talk about that.

It's been a huge subject of discussion with Dewy and I, and in my last session we kind of just left it at "whatever happens, happens". If I gain, it's not the end of the world, and if I lose, then it's just an added bonus. When I get back into my normal life I am going to get right back to everything that works for me and life will go on. I am not going to get back into food obsession, binging, eating, restricting EVER, and especially not while I'm on vacation, so I'm actually pretty mellow (which is an entirely new sensation for me, especially before visiting the US, I used to get so wound up about weight, losing, gaining, etc, so this is very, very new, and, well, kind of cool). I am going to still shoot for my mini-goals (water, fish, fruit) and do what I do while I'm home. I will try to eat normal portions, which is actually the biggest challenge especially when we all know, nothing served to you in the US is a proper portion. And I do mean nothing!

I was, however, totally inspired by my friend Tanja, recently. She is also concentrating on dropping some weight, by similar methods that I am using. She is also an American living in the Netherlands and JUST got back from a US vacation. Being the super star she is, she actually DROPPED a kilo, so 2.2 pounds, whilst in the land of super size! How AWESOME is that! She said that she was just way too busy running to really think about food. Amazing! I am so proud of her and so inspired! That is a huge, huge accomplishment! *standing ovation for Tanja*

I am thinking I may do a little documentary type blogging and maybe even a series of videos while I'm there to keep track of how things are going... I haven't decided how I'll approach it yet, but I don't plan on ignoring you all while I'm gone. Of course, if I disappera for a bit, don't fret, I haven't fallen off the planet just yet. Oh and I will post my pre-vacation weight here before I am off!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks! Wish me some luck!

what works for me

As I mentioned before DEWY (my therapist) has said that since I'm doing so well, they will slow down my therapy to being seen once a month and I kind of had a mini "OMG" freakout. I'm doing so well in this little routine and to change that, it's kind of scary. She suggested that maybe I should write down the things that work for me so if I ever feel like I'm sliding back into my old habits and lifestyle, I could take it out of hiding, read it over and bring myself back to where I am now. So I've done that for my appointment on Thursday and I thought I would share that "list" with you all. A lot of it you already know, some of it you may not, but here is what really works for me. 

Keep in mind, weight loss is not cookie cutter and what works for me may not work for you (and that's okay!). For instance, I'm a simple cookie, only needing simple ingredients to work. I'm a surprisngly chewy cookie, with a bit of crunch when you first bite, but when you get right down to it, I'm pretty soft, with the occasional lump and bump of chocolatey goodness. I'll get stuck in your teeth and you'll spend the afternoon trying to get me out of your mouth. That's me. You may be a totally different kind of cookie, a nutty cookie, a no bake cookie, a cookie full of a rainbow of candy pieces... and you may need a different kind of mixer/oven/ingredient to be "just right". Find the right mix and the right ingredients to make yourself the best possible you! You'll be deliciously successful once you get that right recipe. (what a horrible analogy for weight loss, right?)

(Sorry this is in all caps. I did it in this neat kind of shadow font in MSWord, which looked cool there but I can't be bothered to change it for the blog. you'll survive, trust me.)

THINGS THAT WORK

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS GIVES ME SO MUCH MORE ENERGY THROUGHOUT THE DAY

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS KEEPS ME FROM FEELING OVERLY HUNGRY AT ANY TIME WHICH KEEPS ME FROM OVEREATING WHEN I DO EAT.

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS TAKES THE GUESS WORK OUT OF “SHOULD I EAT THIS”, IT’S A SIMPLE “YES, IT’S TIME TO EAT” OR “NO, NOT YET”. THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH QUIETER IN MY HEAD. IT IS SIMPLE.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES ME MORE CALM ABOUT FOOD CHOICES. THE BATTLING IN MY HEAD OVER FOOD IS OVER.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES MEMORE CONFIDANT TO EAT IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND NOT BE SO PARANOID ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING OF MY CHOICES.

I NO LONGER HIDE MY EATING OR HAVE THAT SHAME THAT WAS ASSOCIATED WITH HIDING AND EATING.

I NO LONGER BINGE. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS TO ME. THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTROL. I DO HAVE CONTROL.

I KNOW NOW THAT FEELING “FULL” AFTER EATING IS DIFFERENT THAN FEELING “SICK”. I NO LONGER LIKE FEELING “SICK”, WHICH IS HOW I USED TO GAUGE IF I WAS DONE OR NOT. FEELING “SICK” IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH FEELING GOOD. WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD IS NOT FOOD REALTED AT ALL. WELL THAT’S NOT TOTALLY TRUE. FOOD, OR BEING ABLE TO BE AROUND IT LIKE A REGULAR EVERY DAY AVERAGE JOE, THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. HAVING CONTROL OF THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER THAN GOOD. IT’S ENORMOUS.

HAVING MINI GOALS WORK FOR ME. SO EVEN IF I DON’T ACCOMPLISH ONE GOAL, THE CHANCES ARE, I’LL STILL HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOME OF MY OTHERS.

KNOWING THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT HAS MADE THIS EASIER. ASKING MYSELF TO DO 80% OF MY GOAL (AND BEING HAPPY WITH THAT) RATHER THAN KILLING MYSELF TO BE 100% PERFECT ALL TIME HAS HELPED ME RELAX AND AGAIN, BE MORE CALM. NOBODY IS 100% AND THAT’S FINE BY ME. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE FIRST 100% PERFECT PERSON, BECAUSE FRANKLY THAT WOULD BE ANNOYING.

IF ONE OF MY GOALS ENDS UP BACKFIRING, IT’S OKAY. THIS IS ALL JUST A HUGE EXPERIMENT TO FIND THAT BEST “FIT” FOR MY LIFE AND MY LIFESTYLE, WHICH WILL CHANGE AND EVOLVE AS I DO. I DON’T HAVE TO BE SO STUBORN TO THINK “THIS WAS MY GOAL AND I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IT”. I CAN HAVE THINGS THAT DON’T WORK AND THAT’S OKAY.

EXERCISING IS CIRCULAR. IT GIVES ME MORE ENEGRY. THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME EAT BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME FEEL ENERGETIC WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO BE MORE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE.