Reflections

Every once in a while on this journey to a 'new and healthy me' I have to reflect a little. I think back to where I started...301 pounds... I think about my struggles...my mishaps...my successes...my hilarious attempt to do step aerobics...my goals...my "firsts"... my aches and pains...my God... it's been a roller coaster, hasn't it?

Yesterday I was reflecting over something a little different though. It was a reflection of a more literal sense. I saw my reflection in a full length mirror and once again I didn't recognize myself. Unlike my "rock bottom" picture, the woman staring back at me didn't send me home to Marco to cry myself to sleep. It was a little shocking but not the 'sticking your finger in a light socket' type of shock. It was more subtle... more of a "put a piece of gum wrapper on the electric fence to see if it's a conductor" type of shock (yes, I've done that and yes gum wrappers will get you shocked) I saw myself in a mirror and I saw a women who looked pretty normal. I saw somebody who blended in with the other people in the store. I liked what I was seeing so well that I spent another fifteen minutes looking in different mirrors. Side view and turn...front view...and turn. I even did that weird little side-turn-look-over-your-shoulder-thingy that we women do to try to get a good look at our own asses. Wow. I looked pretty alright. Not perfect but then again I was never striving for perfection.

Now many of you are probably saying to yourself "well duh, we've seen pictures of you... of course you look normal" so please allow me to explain.

When you've been "livin large" all your life as I have been, you tend to look at yourself as you've always been... in my case I've always been super sized. So even though I see pictures of myself, even though people say they see a difference in me, even though I go down in pounds on the scale and down in numbers in my clothing sizes... even though all of that proof that I no longer am the woman I used to be is staring me in the face...I still saw myself as that 301 pound woman... until yesterday.

I wasn't wearing anything special. Jeans, t-shirt and my new coat. I checked and they weren't having a sale on 'special effects' mirrors. I wasn't in a fun house but I sure was having fun! I finally see the person that I really am and I'm pretty okay with her. These next 30 pounds are going to do me a world of good and I think once 200 pounds is staring up at me when I step on the scale I'm going to feel pretty darned good. Heck, I already do.

Here's a picture we took today while out. Again, I'm not wearing anything special. There hasn't been any touch ups (the pale-as-a-bare-ass-skin-tone and the badly parted-frizz-hair makes that statement obviously obvious). It was actually taken as a joke in anticipation of the up coming Starbucks that will reside in the airport. But even in the picture now I see myself as I really am. I look pretty "normal". I always felt like I looked a bit giagantic before being tall and big. But now I don't think I look like I should be dating Hargrid or have a "wide load" sticker plastered on my ass. I look overweight but I don't look OH MY GOD OVERWEIGHT anymore (at least to me). I don't look like I did at 301 pounds. I'm really glad that my mind has finally caught up with my body.