Monday, April 25, 2011

I'm just your average Joe.

I'm going to have to brag a little, so, you've been fairly warned. Easter would usually be a day that I would use as an excuse to forget everything I learned, forget everything I was doing and gorge myself on whatever was around, in mass quantities. "But it's a holiday" I would say to justify eating the ears off of my second or third chocolate rabbit, even if I wasn't hungry. I'd go to the party knowing exactly how I would leave...stuffed. That's what the holiday is about, isn't it? At least that's what it always had been about for me.

This time around was different though. I am no longer the Sarah of Easter Past, I am a brand spanking new kind of Sarah Bunny with an entirely different approach to food and holidays (I do still wear my "Bunny in training" badge though, I'm not comfy claiming "cured" just yet).

This Easter holiday I tried to be very thoughful of what I was doing (and trying to accomplish) and what I have discussed with Dewy, and I went into the holiday like any other day.

That morning I stuck to my usual routine. I ate every 2-3 hours up until we were at my brother and sister in laws house, where I knew I would be thrown off course. It's here that a lesson I learned at my last two appointments with Dewy came into play. I knew (and know) that I will be put in situations where it is "time to eat" before it is MY time to eat. My problem is, I don't want to draw attention to myself by NOT eating because then you get into big discussions of "why aren't you eating" or "Oh you're on a DIET" (God forbid) or just other uncomfortable things that people can say that make you feel self conscious. I want to avoid that. And honestly, I do want to eat with everybody else. It is part of the celebration of being together, sharing food and enjoying one another's company and why SHOULDN'T I do that?

So I did.

I brought a dill dip and tons of fresh veggies and sourdough bread and I snacked on that with everybody else. I kept in mind some of the tips that I read in the book Mindless Eating (great read, by the way, highley recommend it) and walked away from the area where the food was kept and concentrated on the conversation and what was happening elsewhere. By time lunch rolled around, I ate a normal portion of food and that was it. Done deal. No pants exploding, no miserable stomach ache from stuffing myself, just a normal, average, every day "I just ate my meal" feeling.

In fact, I haven't made myself sick from eating in ages... months upon months... I haven't rubbed my belly and said "OMG I'm going to puke" in a very, very long time. And although I say it with a smirk, it's actually a pretty big deal. I've taken a lifetime habit that I can trace back to my childhood and stopped it. I have stopped it. That's massive. It's not just a little thing, it's really, truely massive. Everything I knew about eating and being "full" has finally been redefined for me. I am eating like a normal, every day, average human.

It has never felt so good to be so average. Just your everyday, average Joe here. Nice to meet you!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter or Passover and I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I'm a terrible cheater, the guilt, oh the guilt! I confess!

All my life I've been a horrible liar. I stammer, I turn red, I stutter, I stumble... I may as well have bells and whistles going off behind me with a huge arrow hovering over my head saying "liar! liar! liar!". Cheating is along the same lines as lying, it's just in another form and just like with telling untruths, I feel guilty as sin and feel the need to confess... here... to you...right now.

I cracked. I just couldn't stand no knowing anymore. I...

 (wait for it)....

stepped on the scale!

Yes, I know, I know, I am supposed to be "weighing blind" and that it's been going so well. And yes I know that Dewy said for me just to try it for a while to see how it goes and if it really is something that would work for me (not against me) and yes, it has been working but I just couldn't STAND it anymore. I hadn't weighed-in in eons (okay so it'd only been a couple of week but still, it FELT a lot longer considering I used to bounce on and off the scale daily) but I just couldn't hack it anymore. I mean, even my blog is called Weighing-IN, isn't it? I was feeling great, my clothes were loser and I just had to know what I weighed. I had to know!

So, the question is, do you wanna know? Do you wanna know what I weighed? Are you half as excited to find out as I am to tell you? Are ya? Well are you?!?!?!?

Good. Now that you are mentally prepared, get ready to feast (or famine) your eyes on this:

I'm at 125 kilos or 275 pounds!!!! That's 12 kilos or a little over 26 pounds GONE! That's taking a 137 kilo or 301 pound woman and shrinking her by doing nothing more than having a plan and a routine! 26 pounds GONE!

Needless to say, and as if you couldn't tell by the tone of this post, I am elated. Some may think "you're still 275 fleshy pounds of woman, what are you so happy about" but those people can kiss my fleshy rear! It's not the numbers so much as the entire experience on the whole that has me hootin and a hollerin. It's just been brilliant and I cannot say enough times how happy I am that I made the decision to get help when I really, really felt I needed it. Maybe it's not for everybody (and maybe it's not for you) but man-o-man it is the magic key for me and it feels awesome.

So here's the plan, I'm going to keep plugging along, a day at a time and stick to what I know and stick to what is working. The weather has been gorgeous here lately and I've been walking at lunch and sneaking in evening bike rides with the family, so I think things are just going in the totally right direction for me.

And I can only wish the same is happening for all of you. I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Voices in my Head

I talk on here a lot about the "voices in my head" when it comes to exercise, eating and decision making. Back in 2006 I wrote this funny post about good Sarah Vs. Evil Sarah and after re-reading it I realized a couple things:

1) I have always, always struggled internally with what I should do and what I feel like doing.
2) I sometimes sound like a raving lunatic and openly share that with others. Should I be concerned? Nah!
3) My voices have hit puberty, changed and matured.

Yes, they hit puberty, changed and matured.

I no longer hear kicking and screaming adolescent voices battling it out for "do we eat it, don't we eat it, yes we eat it, no we shouldn't eat it, have it, don't have it, of course you can, no you can't". Thank GOD we (me and the voices) have gotten out of the terrible two's, past the tweens, survived teenage angst and have finally moved into young adult hood. With the help of Dewy and Novarum, those kids have grown up, settled down and become just much more mellow creatures. They're still ever present, but no where near as sassy as they used to be.

I guess because I have a plan, and I stick to that plan and it takes so much of the guess work out of things, hence quieting everything down a bit. My nagging questions went from "oh my God if I eat that ice cream will everybody stare at me" to a much more calm (and less negative) "if I were a normal, rational human being, would I eat ice cream with my child on this sunny day". (the answer to the second half being yes, but if it were just me, passing McDonald's drive thru and wondering that same question, the answer would be no).

I'm not trying to figure out if it will "ruin" anything or how long I can go without eating, I'm just simply trying to see if that's what a normal, average, run of the mill "Jane" would.  I'm also making sure that when I do eat, it's within my time frames (so no sooner than two hours from the last time I ate and no later than 3 hours since the last time I ate).

It just amazes me that such simple, easy changes have made such an enormous impact on me. And I'm not using words like "enormous impact" for dramatization... I honestly feel like such a very different person than the one that was writing this blog just a year ago. I am in such a different place, mentally. And those voices, those battling voices of good and evil... they've shut their yaps for the most part.

And maybe you guys won't even get this or won't even understand because maybe you've not had the same battles with yourself in your head, but it used to be that standing in line waiting to pay for my food at lunchtime was one of the most intense, draining experiences of my day (or the grocery store, eeeekkkk!). God, the decisions, the temptations, the self doubt, the criticism of myself and the criticism of others (or so I would imagine), the dialogue would just go on and on, endlessly. Even after I made my purchases it would continue. This was all day long, every meal, every snack, every decision. I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions about food and eating. I was constantly in the middle of this terrible battle and I was not winning.

Now, I can walk in, know that I will make a good decision, know that I am okay, know that nobody is really judging me (and if they are a big F.U. to you, because you obviously have no clue what I'm doing or have done, or what I'm about to do) and I can sit down, eat my lunch and read a book. I can read a book! Not that you should be surprised that I am literate (HAHA) but that I can stop arguing in my head long enough to actually relax a read. And that's it. Quietly. No arguments. No fuss. No guilt. No battles. Nothing. I'm just a normal person, eating a normal lunch on a normal day.

This revolution and evolution has been ___________, what? What has it been? Life changing? Yes. Overwhelming in a positive way? Yes. Phenomenal? Yes. Subtle? YES!

Just feeling calm, in control and normal, it's more, to me, than I can ever put into words for you.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

As promised, some progress pics

So this was me "before", in May 2010. I believe this dress is a Dutch size 54, which is about a 24/26 in US sizes, depending up on the store.

This is me this morning. This is the jacket (size 18/20) that I have had hanging in my closet for years and just couldn't fit into for the longest time (years). The pants are size 24, but they are one size too big so I assume I am in a US size 22. Unfortunately I don't have any 22's to try on to see how they fit.

The obligatory goofy side pose, foot kick.

And this is another size 18/20 jacket that I've been waiting to wear and luckily I fit in them during the right season!

And there you have it, proof that I really do exist!
Hope you are all having healthy successful weekends!