Saturday, February 27, 2010

A new "me" for my new start

Since I'm making some changes in my (life like seeing the weight loss lady, journaling my food, and starting do to new things in order to get this weight off) I decided I need a new "do" and color to get me up and running.

I can honestly say, after the great-hair-disaster-of-2009, where I actually cried over how badly my hair was butchered (and I NEVER cry over hair, 'it's just hair', right... oh this cut made that saying totally meaningless), I was a wee bit nervous. The woman who cut it is the one who fixed it after the last fiasco so I was confidant that she would do a good job but still, you just don't recover from hair-that-makes-you-cry that easily.

I can proudly say that I left the salon in high spirits, with less grey and feeling pretty darned sassy. You can see the new "do" in my profile pic to the left there.

And as an added bonus, when my Mom saw the picture she said "you look so skinny!" Gotta LOVE your Mom for saying something like that, don't ya?

I'm flying high right now and I'm going to take that spirit and run with it, or at least walk briskly!

Hope you are all having healthy, successful weekends!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Food log with a twist!

So I’m making a food log this week for my appointment on Monday and it’s been quite interesting. Not just logging the food, that’s same as always, but the last column in the log is a new one for me. Yeah, I have to put in my food, how much I ate, where I ate it, but the last line on this form is for “what happened, what did you do, what did you think and what were you feeling”. This one extra column makes you really stop and think “hey, why did I mindlessly take that pack of cookies out of the cabinet and eat them while I was watching TV”. It’s usually not because I was hungry, more out of habit or boredom or for no reason what so ever. This is a new experience for me and I’m finding it eye opening. We’ll see what happens over the weekend.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

So I promised some thoughts on weight loss and what’s been going in my head…so here you have it, a deep look into the mind of Sarah (insert scary, creepy music here)…

I have “friend” let’s say, (and it’s not one of those friends-who-is-really-me-but-I’m-too-afraid-to-admit-it type things, it’s really not me) (but not really a friend, more like a relative who isn’t a relative by law anymore but still will always be my relative because that’s just how it goes when somebody has been in your life for its entirety, no matter what the “law” says)(you know how I love to be a rebellious law breaker, right?) So anyway, this friend, for as long as I’ve known her, so my whole life, has been dieting. Every holiday, every birthday, every family reunion… she always brought her diet dish to share and was always dieting in some way shape or form. Even today, she’s doing weight watchers, which technically isn’t “dieting” but you catch where I’m going, right? Her whole life has been trying to lose weight.

That thought deflates me. It takes every ounce of energy, hope, will, courage… it takes it all and punches me in the stomach with it, knocking me clear out of breath. I panic with the thought “Is that going to be me too?” Is the woman-who-is-always-on-a –diet-but-never-quite-where-she-needs/wants-to-be-with-her-weight, is that what I am going to be when I am in my late 30’s, 40’s and 50’s? Am I also going to be a lifetime “dieter”? Because you know, I don’t want to be. I’ll kick and scream like a 2 years old throwing one of their infamous tantrums, “I don’t’ want it, I don’t want it I don’t want it!” because I really, really I don’t want it to be me! It exhausts me to think that for the rest of my life I will talk about weight loss, think about weight loss, struggle with weight loss. It’s an overwhelming feeling to think that I may never be in a place where I can say “I’m happy, I’m content and I can maintain this”. I know if you make a true lifestyle change that eventually you will be at the “maintaining” stage but that seems like such an abstract thought to me, not in the least bit tangible. I was almost there once… and look where I am now, almost all the way to the beginning, where I started this whole ball of wax. My weight is not back to my all time high but it is where it has been for the greater chunk of my adult life. I’ve been writing in this weight loss blog since late in 2006. That’s almost 4 years. Will it be another 4? Will it be another 8? Will it be 10, 15, 20 years of me blogging about struggling? Because I’m not interested in it, to tell you the truth. I don’t want that to be me. I really, really, really don’t.

So then where do you go from being deflated at just the thought of the all consuming weight loss? Where do I go from here?

Well, I’m making a trip to the dietician’s office. That’s next Monday. This week I am keeping a log of not only what I eat but what I think and feel when I am eating it. That’s a new step for me. I’m making those ever so subtle, yet important changes, like substituting water for my morning coffee. I’m taking the stairs, not every time but more often than I had been. I’m making those little changes and I’m just keeping going. What else can I do? In the end, I’m going to be here 4 years from now. I’ll be here 8 years from now. I’ll be here that 10, 15 and 20 years from now (I hope at least!). It’s my choice if I am here 4 years from now and 100 pounds lighter or the same weight as I am today. It’s my choice if I am here 8 years from now and 100% healthy or right exactly in the same spot I am today. I’m going to be here, regardless of the circumstance, so I may as well be here and be happy, healthy and in charge, right?

p.s. the "friend" that I spoke of is one of the most beautiful, kind and caring people I know. She has always "looked" perfect to me and I've told her so, recently. We talked a lot about her struggle with weight, and our struggles with weight. She's one of my biggest fans, (as is her daughter) and they're going to cheer me on through this. We're going to be in touch and be "there" for one another. I'm glad I reached out to her with my feelings and thoughts on her life long struggle. We're not alone in this by any means.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I have an appointment!

I have an appointment next Monday for just an orientation meeting to see if this woman and I will click and if I feel she has the tools to help me along this weight loss path. I'm cautiously excited!

update: since posting this the woman I will be seeing has sent me a food diary to keep, even if I don't end up signing up with her. WOW! I guess I'm really doing this.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I have the referal in hand!

I have the referral in hand! And when I’m done writing this post I’m going to start seeking out dietician/nutritionists and/or weight loss guru’s in the Netherlands! I was so glad they didn’t refer me to the hospital that is connected to their practice as it seems that every time I get a referral to that hospital I have horrible, (we’re talking nightmare-ish) experiences with those doctors so I was relieved to see that it was just a generic referral.

Wow, I can’t believe I made the step. That’s pretty huge for me. I can honestly say that I am a little bit excited. I guess I’m always up for a new adventure though!

I’ve got a lot of weight loss stuff in my head weighing me down, (pun TOTALLY INTENDED) and I’m going to post more on that hopefully later today or tomorrow so stay tuned! Or better yet, over there on the left side is a “follow me” option. Click it and you can get automatic updates as to when I post something new. It keeps you from having to click to my blog to see if I’ve posted an update lately because we all know how disappointing it can be to click over and see the same thing you read yesterday! So go on, stalk me, I’m practically begging you to do so!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Erin's Dream

Build a resource house for families who have lost a child. Pepsi Refresh Everything

Please click the above link and read about "Erin's Dream" to build a resourse house for families who have lost a child. I think it's a beautiful, heartfelt way to help not only others heal but to help Erin heal after losing 2 out of 3 of her kids to a rare form of cancer.

This is a very cool thing Pepsi is doing. Please take part (even if you don't vote for the same dream I did!)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Escape from Obesity

I just found the blog Escape from Obesity through Becklette's How the Beck blog and if you're looking for some really great before and after shots, I suggest you check it out too. I think the reason why I was instantly drawn into her blog is that I think her body (pre-weight loss) looks very similar to mine, right now, this very moment.

And yes, I know that I know what my body looks like 70 pounds lighter, as it did before I got pregnant, back in 2007, so it's not that I am totally in the dark as to what could be, but for some reason that pounds ago, seems like a stranger that I "kind of remember" but lost touch with. Seeing the loss in somebody else though, THAT speaks to me. Bizarre isn't it?

It's not with much gusto or even with any sort of certainness that I cheer "that will be me"! I'm cheering it meekly, with a bit of self doubt, but in all honesty, it will be. As always, not losing the weight is just not an option. It never has been and it never will be. It's just not an option.

I did it, I made the call!

Like I wasn't hesitant enough to make the call then the receptionist at the doctor's office thought it would be a good time to give me a Dutch lesson and when I couldn't understand what she was telling me, even the third time asking, she wouldn't translate to English for me (not the whole thing, just one part of it, the rest I understood) or even say the sentence in a different way using different terminology.

Eventually I figured out what she meant (I hope!) and I can pick up my referral Monday morning but at the time I wanted to reach through the phone and give her a knuckle sandwich for breakfast.

And just a little advice for everybody: If and when you ever encounter somebody who isn't speaking their native language but they're still trying to communicate with you, and they're asking you to please repeat or saying that they don't understand, don't just keep repeating the same exact same sentence or phrase over and over. It's not that I'm (or they are) deaf, it's that I don't know the meaning of the word or I'm not understanding the phrasing. Say it in a different way or in a simpler way, so instead of calling the "technical form for referrals" the "technical form for referrals" fifteen times over, try saying "the letter (or paper) for the dietician".

And keep it in mind that speaking your non-native language is a humbling experience in itself, you don't need to make the person feel worse than they already do (and trust me, more than likey they wish they could speak more fluently as well!).

That's what I have to say on that.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

picked up the phone today

and I rang my doctors to ask him to give me a referral to see a dietician/nutritionist here, as it will be covered under my insurance. Naturally it took me a lot of guts to make this call and naturally I didn't get right through. And I held. Still holding. Holding. Holding... still holding.

Finally I hung up, no appointment, thinking maybe I shouldn't do this.

I called back. Hold. Please hold. Thank you for holding. Hi, can you hold. Hold please. Hold. Can't answer your call but you can hold. Hold please. We'll be right with you. Please hold. Hold. Holding.

Hung up again. Went pee, talked to a colleague, thought maybe it wasn't "meant to be" which is why they didn't answer the phone, like it was some sign from God (yeah, like God doesn't have anything else to do but block a phone call for me) that I shouldn't make this call.

I've given up for today and will mull the thought around in my head, all night more than likely, if I should be making an appointment or not. I do have reservations about seeing anybody, not because I know it all, because obviously I don't, but I have just had such bad experiences in the past when consulting my doctors regarding my weight that I don't want to be disappointed by another professoinal again.

My final thoughts on the subject are, I may not help but it sure as heck can't hurt can it?

If any of you have any experiences, good or bad, with seeing a nutritionist or a dietician or weight loss specialist or anything, please feel free to leave a comment.

***edit after The Lass's Comment***
What I think I "may" get out of the appointment is somebody to be accountable to. It helped me before when I was going to the gym to know my trainer was going to weigh me in every 6 weeks or so. So beyond the valuable (hopefully) nutritional information, advice etc. I hope to have somebody to make me accountable. It may seem like a bit of a mind game, but isn't it all?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Why can't people MYOB?

Why in the world would the lunch ladies feel the need to comment on the volume of food on my tray yesterday?

her: "you must be hungry today"

me, (in my head) "Why are you so mean? Why would you say that? I strongly dislike your guts right now, you mean, nosey lunch lady. I have steamed veggies, a sausage (that came with the veggies that I only planned on eating half of) and a bowl of veggie soup. That's not a TON of food and it's a heck of a lot better than some of the other choices in the cafeteria today. If you only knew that I would think about your comment throughout my entire lunch and for the rest of the day then you would feel so guilty that you would never comment on another person's food choices ever again. Why can't you be like the rest of the people and comment on the weather, like normal people who are talking to me, the person with the weight problem? I can handle the weather. My conscious can handle "I'm sick of the snow", my teetering personality can talk about the grey sky all day long. What business is it of yours if I want to eat ice cream and chocolate with a can of coke for lunch? Who are you, lunch lady? Just who exactly are you?!?!?!?!?”

me (out of my head and through my mouth): Yeah, it looked good. Thanks, have a good day.

(Back in my head) have a great day you dismal, judgmental turd. Plus, I don’t like your hair or your shoes. A great freaking day!!!!!

Monday, February 01, 2010

Isn't that the way it goes?

I just went to the little cafe we have in-house at work and got an orange, a snack bar (not a cookie and not a granola bar but I don't know what they'd be called in English, in Dutch they're Liga)(and I even checked the calories to make sure I wasn't getting more than I wanted) and went to pay. Nice, healthy afternoon snacks to get me through today until I am home.

I'm a pretty chatty person in general. It's the gift of gab I got from my Mom and I'll pretty much talk to a wall. I don't even need a response. So naturally, I am always chatty with everybody in the cafe and have a pretty decent report with the employees there. So sweet little Winnie, the girl working the counter today, thought she'd be nice and snuck an apple popover into my bag "free". I thanked her and said she didn't have to do that, you know, to be polite.

Oh, if she only knew how much I actually pay for the free apple popover and all of its sugary goodness! Why is it when I wanted free sugary snacks there were none to be found, "oh no you'll be PAYING for that!" Now on the day I pronounce my "new beginning", wearing my tights, cape and super hero mask, I have pastries shoved at me for free! Oh the quandary. Free apple popovers. These are one of my favorite pastries. Actually, I’ve yet to meet a pastry that I didn’t like. What’s a girl-turned-healthy to do?

I will admit I opened the package and nibbled the end. A very small nibble. Not even a mouthful.

I came to my desk and offered the thing to my neighbor. She didn't want it (skinny cow). She didn’t even think twice when answering me.

Then the conversation went a little something like this (in my head, none the less)

"I hate to waste food".

"You're still doing way better than you did yesterday, even if you do eat it".

"Yes, but I'm not eating crap. One "thing" leads to another".

"You can always eat it and start afterwards"

"But you already started, you can't quit and start and quit again... already... on the first day!"

"Nobody will know"

"That sugar looks yummy"

"Maybe just eat part"

"You can't eat part you moron, who are you fooling"

"Throw it away, the whole thing"

...and as I took a bite I continued to converse...

"what are you doing"

"not again"

"oh come ON!"

"Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah Sarah"


"you're not even trying" I took a second, apple/sugar/pastry filled bite the banter carried on mindlessly...

"you know you can stop, just put the popover down... step away from the popover"

"you're soooo not going to put that thing down"

"you can do it. you can stop right now. you totally can stop"

"I can stop if I wanted to. Nobody is going to make me do it, I have to do it for myself"

"I really, really like it though"


"are you calling bullshit on me?"

"*sneezing* bullshit"

"dude, was that just a sneezing bullshit from 7th grade?"

"bbuuuuuullllllllllllllssssssshhhhhhiiiiiittttttt (sung in a high suprano as I pirouetted around in my super hero gear)"

"awww, what do you know anyway"

"I know bullshit when I see it"

so I did it. I threw the rest in the trash, two bites into it. Even as I tossed the thing away and never one to go down without a proper fight, my mind kept on wandering...

"how dirty is that trashcan?”

“freaking gross man”

“You're not going to pull a "George Kastanza with the eclaire" are you"

"ummm...hell no."

Hell no.

Begin again, (and again!)

Today I woke up in much better spirits and with a much better attitude (for lack of a better word here) than I have had in a while. This is partially due to the fact that Sadie has been sleeping better for the past 5 nights. Twice in those 5 nights she slept all night long. All night long I said. Yes, all night, the whole entire night long. All.Night.

I don't want to say that last bit too loud for fear of jinxing ourselves, but finally, at 18 months old (today actually) I think we have turned a corner in Sadie's sleep issues by doing a modified cry-it-out. The impact that almost a week of a good nights sleep has had on me is astounding. When we put her to bed last night and got straightened around the house, I didn't feel like I had to drag myself in to brush my teeth. I actually had energy to stay up and this was after 9:00 p.m.!!!! That's practically a new record for us!

If we keep this up I may actually have to start setting an alarm again for fear of sleeping in! What?!?!?!?

So I feel like I have a fresh start today. I even got on the scale to commemorate what I feel is the "beginning" of the... well not of the end, because let's face it, this is a lifestyle change, there is no "end" per say, only a point where I am content, healthy, happy and can maintain that weight/health/feeling. So this is the beginning... again.