Saturday, January 31, 2009


It's been a rough week. As I eluded to in an earlier post (or maybe I just flat out said it I can't remember right now) I had a bit of a break down at work on Monday and have been off this whole week to "catch up on sleep".

Well Monday and Tuesday went well because, well, nobody messes with a woman "on the verge" so it seems. Marco's parents kept Sadie as they would have if I had gone to work and I relaxed, napped, got my make-up done at the Sephora counter (note: do not expect to get an "everyday, natural" look from the woman sporting the blue, all around the eye-eyeliner with matching sparkly blue, I'm talking chunks of sparkles here, eyeshadow. It's just not in the cards.) and had some "me" time. So those days, yeah I felt wonderful, invigorated, ready to face the world again. Then of course I was flung back into the land of motherhood with a non-sleeping almost 6 month old and now I'm just about right back where I started. Exhausted. I'm not near to the edge as I was Monday but then again I haven't had to deal with a demanding job this week. Next week it's back to it though and although right now the edge is in the distance it wouldn't take but a few shoves to get me right back to it I'm sure.

On a brighter note, my dearest Marco confessed he really had no clue how bad all of this was bothering me until I sobbed in his shirt for hours on end, confessing my lack of mothering skills, what a horrible person I am and how I just can't handle it like he does. He has always gotten up with the baby and taken his paternal responsibilities seriously and fairly but now he has vowed to help out a little more. This, of course, makes me feel like a total ass because he is the best Papa in the world to Sadie, the best husband to me and he does more for us than any man I've ever known to do for his family and now... now he's willing to do MORE because of me, because I can't sleep? I'm-such-a-dick.

And of course, once again, I have the Infertile Woman's Guilt, as it's come to be known. I know a ton of women who would LOVE to be woken up by their own baby 100 times a night if it meant they could be a mother but they aren't lucky enough to have their baby. I am one of the lucky infertiles, I have my little pumpkin here with me and all I can think about is how I want to sleep. Not that motherhood is all puppies and rainbows just because we had a hard time conceiving but still... this guilt, this I-have-a-baby-after-dealing-with-infertility guilt, is something you just can't help but have. "Such-a-dick, table for 1!"

So that's why my food logs haven't been consistent this week, in case you were wondering. Now I am really testing the "people who log their food intake lose more weight" theory. Not that one week really proves anything. I am, however, waving goodbye to Aunt Flo, kicking her ass out the door, so hopefully some of my bloaty swelling will leave with her making the scale tip in my favor on Tuesday... stay tuned for more "WIWM.02 has lost her freaking mind". It's riveting stuff, ain't it?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Just because I'm not blogging...

Just because I'm not posting my daily intake doesn't mean I'm going all out bananas on food. I am just really sleepy and unable to make the time to blog. Today I have had:

4a.m. cheese quesadilla in a sundried tomato shell with guacamole. Not the best but the baby was awake and I was starving. It was fast and easy.

"breakfast" - coffee

orange snack bar - 99 calories
cherry and raspberry breakfast juice - 90 calories

deli chicken sandwich on a whole wheat roll with red pepper pesto, one slice of cheese. Peaches, from a can in their own juice.

orange snack bar - 99 calories
cherry and raspberry breakfast juice - 90 calories

supper (we had late lunch so I wasn't that hungry)
4 whole grain crackers (24 calories each) with honey (about 2 tsp).
1 slice of cheese

Yeah, it was a strange food day. I also played wii fit for 32 minutes and wii sport, the boxing kicked my butt, for a little while.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I weighed in this morning to see a disappointing 0.1 kilo loss this week. That's 0.4 lbs. Not even worth blogging about. Of course I did lose a lot last week so this balances it out.

I had a horrible day yesterday and now have this week off as a little "vacation" to get some rest, hence me not blogging my food yesterday.

I'll have to catch you all up a little later. Until then... have a healthy successful day!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Last night at about 2 in the morning I had a fruit bar as my tumm was growling like mad so I'm not sure if that counts as today or yesterday but let's not split hairs over it.

Today I have had:
coffe w/ splenda and creamer
cream of wheat (which is NOT as filling as oatmeal by far)

snack - 18 green seedless grapes

A delicious toasted sandwich on an olive ciabatta with red pepper pesto, deli chicken, low fat mozarella and sun dried tomatoes. It was a little salty but still tasty.
5 doritos (yeah I had 5 LOL)
Cyrstal Light

Chicken Breast, baked
small potato "fries" - baked
Greek salad- cuckes, roma tomato, onion, feta, red bell pepper, romaine lettuce and a light sprinkling of basil oil and vinegar dressing. As the dutch say "Lekker!"

I'm not drinking enough on the weekends that's for sure. I could also eat fruit a little more consistantly. I don't know why I don't to be honest, I love just about every fruit out there. I would say I am going to try and eat less bread but if you've ever lived in the Netherlands you know it's impossible.

Sadie seems to be sleeping WORSE now that we've tried implimenting a (soft) schedule but it's only day 2 and we're not giving up.

Hope everybody is having a wonderful, healthy weekend!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

breakfast -
They were out of oatmeal at the store (yes, very unlike the US which has 100 different varities, here I have one choice, plain old oats, and they were out of it) so I have cream of wheat. The portion I make for breakfast with 0% fat milk and brown sgar is around 220 calories.
2 cups of joe with 1tsp cream and sugar ( U wanted the real deal this morning, not splenda.)

no snack as we were running around and I wasn't hungry.
Water and crystal light

Lunch - Took place at a restaurant here called La Place, that's fancy speak for "the place"
I almost chose a fresh baked pizza but went with a Greek Salad with lettuce (iceburg, strange for a greek salad I thought), tomato, black olives, feta, cucumber and I think an oil and vinegar dressing instead. Unlike the US you really don't ever go into a restaurant and ask them to "hold the _______". Ya just don't, especially at this place because the salads are made up ahead of time you just walk past and pick one. So asking for a new salad with dressing on the side was not doable. It came with a slice of sun dried tomato and olive bread. I also split a crossaint stick thingy with little chocolate chips in it with Marco.

more water

I wish I would have blogged my lunch before I made my supper because then I would have realized I already had cheese today and I would have skipped it with supper. Anyway I had...
2 egg sandwiches on whole wheat toast with one slice of cheese split between the two.

And that's that.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Breakfast was a disaster. I was short on oatmeal which was no big deal. I usually eat 1/2 cup dry oats (mixed with milk to make oatmeal of course!) but it was a bit below the half cup line. Then I left it in the microwave too long and 1/2 of it boiled over. By time all was said and done I had about 5 spoonsful of oatmeal. I had coffee too.

Lunch- I had a yummy multi grain ciabatta with poppy sesame and sunflower seeds baked in it. On it was baked chicken, two trips of bacon, lettuce, tomato and some kind of sauce which I will ask them to leave off next time. It was tasty! I also had a orange juice and milk drink (mixed) which was 210 calories. I try not to drink my calories because it seems like such a waste but these are one of my favorite drinks and I only have one once in a blue moon. Plus, the dairy is good for me!

Snack - Raspberry fruit bar (95 calories)

Supper - Baked chicken with baked cabbage and onions. I was going to make some rice but couldn't be bothered. I'm exhausted. If I'm still hungry I'll have some peas and carrots.

snack - raspberry fruit bar (95 cals)

lots of water and crystal light all day long, I forgot to add this in as I went.

You know, I am making this cabbage and I realized... I try to make cabbage every once in a while and I always end up not liking it. Maybe I should just resign to the fact that I don't like cabbage. Nope, not me! I just keep trying it like a fool. But actually I used to dislike bleu cheese, olives and anything spicy as well but now I love those foods so maybe it's something that just has to grow on me.

Sadie is still not sleeping well. Last night was a repeat of the nights before. Today though, I actually wrote out a plan. I wrote out a "tenative" schedule to try to get her on. Of course we all know this will not be a rigid schedule but I am shooting to get her on some sort of schedule all day and night and hopefully it will work. I'll adjust the schedule as needed but with me taking care of her some days, Marco on others and then my in-laws having her yet other days she just has no rhythm to her days and babies need that.

We also logged her entire sleeping and eating habits for a 24 hour period. I was quite suprised to find out that she takes 6 - 5 oz bottles a day (that's not the surprising part) but 3 of those 6 bottles are AFTER 10 p.m. So half of her daily intake of food is being given to her while she's supposed to be sleeping! We are definately working on that.

We're implementing a few of the suggestions from the book The No Cry Sleep Solutions and already I see a difference in the time it takes us to get her back to sleep when she wakes up. It used to be at least 10-15 minutes of holding and rocking before you could lay her back down. Last night I didn't even pick her up one time, just whispered "shhhhhh, it's night night time angel" to her, which is our "code phrase" to let her know it's sleepy time, and it stinking worked! Just once though but it's still a huge improvement. Just now she woke up and I didn't even have to sit down to rock her. I just held her, whispered the code phrase, gave her her glowworm (which is another suggestion from the book, give the child a safe "lovey" or blankey that smells like you and use it as another sleepy time queue) and within 3 to 4 minutes I put her back to her crib.

Whew. I don't care how long this takes, we will be persistant! I already see a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

very quickly - short on time

oatmeal as usual
coffee as usual

hot lamb meat sandwich with cucumbers and lettuce and lots of hot sauce on a white roll. Delicious!

16 red hots (about 55 calories)
coffee with steamed milk and sugar (1 tsp)

Chili verde YUMMY! It's got a challenging blend of Garbanzo beans, succulent pork and lots of avocado. Yes, that came straight from the package! It's also got red and green peppers, onion and some flakes of some sort. It's seriously delicious. And it's only 315 calories per bowl.
2 pieces of whole grain bread with reduced fat butter.

Thanks for all of the wonderful support and advice regarding Sadie. Believe me I'm taking it all in and am going to use every bit of info I can to help especially the feeding more during the day. She won't take a bottle a lot of time but I bet she'll love to have more real foodies! We already put her to bed the moment she seems tired but it's between 6 and 7 usually. Keep those suggestions coming though guys!

Yesterday was a disaster

Not food wise, but otherwise yesterday was just a train wreck from the moment I woke up. Well the many moment's I woke up. Sadie was up, again, every hour, to be held, rocked, to have the snot removed from her nose, to eat, to play... whatever it was, she was up all night long. When Marco came in at 8 to tell me I had to get ready for work I had a major breakdown. I was sobbing uncontrollably and I had a pounding migraine (which I get when I am overly tired). I have read everything, I have listened to people's opinions and suggestions and I have tried most things. Short from letting her cry it out (which I don't ever see it as something Marco and I will feel comfortable doing (and yes, I know, never say never but I feel pretty strongly about this and I believe he does as well)) we are trying everything to get this baby to sleep. We are walking zombies and it's taking its toll.

Marco keeps holding on to "she's just a baby, she'll grow out of it soon." which maybe is a better attitude to have than I do but I just feel that it's never going to happen. She will be 6 months old on the 1st of Feb. Since the US, so mid December, she has not slept for more than 3 hours consecutive. Not once. She's had a runny nose since the plane ride over to the US and no matter what I do I can't get rid of it. I am afraid to keep giving her benadryl because, well how long can you safely give it to a baby her age? I have no idea (Teena?) and the doctor's here don't give bendryl to babies so it's no use even asking. I keep hoping she will start rolling both ways so I can peacefully lay her on her belly through the night without the constant worry of "Oh my God what if she's not breathing." She naps so well like that.

I also went to go get her a white noise machine yesterday and the idiots at Mediamarkt wouldn't accept my credit card because I didn't have my passport with me. I had 15 kinds of ID including 4 with photos but this jackas who probably makes 4 euros an hour and doesn't care at all if the busines makes moneh wouldn't accept any other form of ID but a passport. Who in the hell carries their passport with them? I would have asked to speak to the manager but we didn't have time. Marco gave her an earful though which shocked the hell out of me because he never says anything. I mut be rubbing off on hi In the car we laughed about what a fun couple we were. LOL We're going to try and get one today but I will NOT be shopping there again. And too bad for them, we were just getting ready to buy a new washer and mor than likely were going to buy it from them. Not any more!

So, yesterday was just my breaking point. Up all night, working at a stressful job 4 days a week and trying to remain semi-human is just impossible for me right now. I am at my wits end and I am just begging for the god of sleepy babies to please come visit our house.

That said, Marco sent me to bed and I slept through breakfast so this is what I ate yesterday...

coffe - cream and splenda

Mcdonalds - cesear salaed with grilled chicken, dressing, croutons and a fruit and yogurt cup. Diet coke.

one orange fruitbar thingy for 99 calories

I sauted the following and ate the whole damned thing:
small onion
yellow bell pepper
super small zuchini
very small eggplant

And that was it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

6 pounds (2.7 kilos) gone! And a goal in place...

Yay! I went from 284.69 lbs or 129.4 kilos last week to 278.74lbs or 126.7 kilos this week. That's down 2.7 kilos from my weigh in last week. That's roughly a 6 pound loss (5.94 lbs) this week. That's a whole lotta weight in one week for somebody who isn't competing on the Biggest Loser. LOL! WOW! And that was with only 4 days of logging my food and being held totally 100% accountable for everything that passes my lips. That's with just some light exercise with my Wii a few times a week. Imagine what the following weeks can bring when I stick to this and add even more intense cardio!

Last night Marco gave me my first goal to work towards and I'm chasing after it like wildfire. When I lose my next 5 kilos (11 lbs for you non-converters), from today's number, I will get a massage! I have been DYING for a massage since I was pregnant and have just never made time for myself to get one. In fact, I planned on getting one while in the US over the vacation but it just never happened. YAY! Seriously, I'm sprinting to that goal and hope to reach it within the next 3 weeks. I told him he may as well buy me the certificate now and he'll have it for when I accomplish my first real goal in this new weight loss adventure.

I'm seriously just giddy this moring. Yay me. I hope you all are having successful healthy weeks!

Breakfast -
coffee with splenda and 1 tsp creamer
1/2 cup dry oatmeal made with 0% fat milk (finally remembered it!)

2 (8oz) glasses of water

coffee with steamed milk and one pack of sugar
Sultana fruit biscuit snack thingy (165 cal)

2 cups of soup, one veggie, one cream of mushroom
2 crackers (35 calories each)
1 small slice of whole grain bread (the end piece)
cucumber and red bell pepper slices
2 (8 oz glasses of water)

snack -
1 orange

more water.

Chili- an interesting chili, made with chili beans, peppers, onions and peaches. It's oddly delicious! The best part, it's 49 calories per 100 ml, the container it comes in is 500 ml so for two cups of chili I only intake 245 little bitty miniscule calories! I used to eat snacks bigger than that!

woohoo for a really decent eating day for me!

Monday, January 19, 2009

blog needs an overhaul

I realize that many of my links to other weight loss blogs on the right hand side are now either no longer blogging or they have gone private. I will try and update them soon, maybe tomorrow on my lunch break.

In the meantime, if you are also a weight loss blogger and would like to be added (or taken off) my blog roll please let me know. Oh and if you just blog about any random old thing I can add you to the "good reads" section.

I also want to really spruce up my "Goal" section and really define, in no uncertain terms, what my goal is and the steps I plan on taking to achieve it. I want to also try to figure out how to add some pictures. Surely it can't be too hard, right? Basically I want my blog to look a heck of a lot more interesting. Since I'm kind of on a new weight loss journey after having Sadie (p.s. did you see how big she is in her new pictures on her blog? Gigantor for a 5 month old. So stinking tall. She's so damned cute though.) I thought maybe my blog should have a make over of it's own. So if you show up and everything looks totally different don't think you're in the wrong place! If you show up and I've managed to screw the whole thing up check back in a couple days and I'll try to get it fixed!

Day #4

Thank you for the comment on my last post, you who wishes to remain anonymous. It helped put my large lunch into perspective!

Breakfast -
coffee with sugar (Marco made me a cup and forgot to use splenda) and cream
2 whole grain oat crackers (32 calories each) with one tsp of honey between the two of them.

2 (8oz) glasses of water

2 whole grain slices of bread, 1 young cheese slice, 1 thin slice of ham, 1 thin slice of salami, 1 tsp red pepper pesto.
Cucumber slices (1/3 cup)
1/4th of a large red bell pepper, sliced.

2 (8oz) glasses of water

snack -
3 - Sultana Biscuits (165 calories total)
diet coke

2ns snack (there is a 7 hour difference between lunch and supper, I need two snacks)
one delicious orange
2 glasses of water
coffee with sugar and steamed milk

Extremely dry, overcooked chicken breast
extremely dry, overcooked baked potatoe slices (size of a small white potato)
un-dry spinach, one serving

And thank you Shawna for revealing your identity and sharing part of your 'story'. Have you thought about starting a blog of your own? It helps me so much in keeping myself accountable. Let me know if you have one and I'll add you to my blog roll.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Food log day #3 - Protien

Okay so another benifit of not only mentally but physically logging myfood intake is that I can see what food groups I'm getting enough of and what I need more of. Veg for example needs to appear more often, which, in my defense, actually does appear more frequenty through the week.

Do you ever have people push protein on you? "Oh eat a handful of ____ (insert nut) and that'll get you some protien which will help you not feel as hungry as soon." Or "you should add some protein to your breakfast so you don't get hunry as quickly". Firstly, I'm not a huge nut fan so eating a handful of them when I can be eating something I actually like, stinks, but I've tried it. Secondly, I hate to argue with the "experts" but protein doesn't have this magic "you're not hungry" effect on me. A handful (16 or so) almonds doesn't feel like I've eaten anything and it sure doesn't hold me off for an hour or two. I do like peanut butter but the high calories just don't pay off for me, plus I really like the jelly or honey with it the best... not good.

Also, there are a couple things which every dieting or weight losing American seems to be eating which I cannot find here in Holland: string cheese, 100 calorie snack packs (which I could obviously create on my own by simply throwing 100 calories worth of whatever I wanted in baggie. Voila!) and Trader Joe's anything. I think my life would be simplified if I had access to these things. Everybody seems to love string cheese with an apple for snack, or Trader Joe's ____ (you name it, they love it). And how great would it be to mindlessly be able to grab a bag of anything (popcorn, cookies, twinkies I even saw while home) with no effort and KNOW you aren't getting 400 calories by mistake.

Anyway... I have to make due with what I have which is okay.

So here is what I'm sticking in my mouth today:

1/2 cup dry oats mixed with water (oatmeal LOL)
coffee with splenda and 1 tsp creamer

4 (8oz) glases of crystal light (throughout the morning, not all at once)
18 white grapes
1 slice of cheese
1 orange fruit snack bar (99 calories)

Lunch (speaking of protien)
2 whole grain slices of toast with 3 (yeah, 3) eggs, bacon and cheese
1 diet pepsi

Holy guacamole I really didn't do well with lunch. Supper WILL be better, if I can even eat.

2 small slices of pizza (so it wasn't better but tomorrow is another day)

several glasses of water and crystal light, maybe 4.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Discovery Channel's National Body Challenge 2009

For those readers who like a bit of competition, even if it's only with yourself... you should check out the Discovery Channels "National Body Challenge"'. It's a free, comprehensive fitness and weight-loss challenge that provides the tools and inspiration – online, on television and beyond – to get in shape, shed pounds and find the real, healthier you inside.

The offerings include a free 30-daypass to Bally Total Fitness, access to customizable meals and fitness plans, over 1,000 healthy recipes and more. Hopefully you caught on January 5-9,2009, Discovery Health aired the inspirational National Body Challenge programming special, a five-part competition series that promises to keep participants motivated and on track to achieve to their goals.

With this link you can find assets with more information, previews health tips, and to register at:

Also, recently added is 4 new clips to our asset page, "Baggie", "Go Nuts", "Walking"and "Pump You Up", which help motivate, inspire, and encourage you to embrace a healthy lifestyle:

So check it out!

Food log day #2

coffee with splenda and tsp creamer
oatmeal, once again made with water as I forgot milk at the store.. again.

3 (8 oz) glasses crystal light (its actually one huge glass but it equals to 3 'glasses')

Let me preface lunch by saying I didn't have anything in particular in mind to eat, although we JUST went grocery shopping last night, so my sandwich isn't a norm, although it was tasty. Plus it was raining outside so I wasn't about to drag the baby out just to have some chicken slices.

Ones slice low fat old cheese (Dutch have two kinds of cheeses, old and young, this one is an old cheese which is similar to a parmesean), 3 pieces of sun dried tomatoes and 1tsp red pepper pesto (YUM) on whole grain bread. Yeah, not your normal sandwich I realize
1/2 green bell pepper slices
20 green seedless grapes
3 (8oz) glasses of water

orange snack bar - 99 calories
2 glasses crystal light
1 glass water

4 oz chicken breast, baked, no oil used
1 cup spanish rice (which when I was measuring it out as a "serving" actually was huge)
1 serving green beans
2 glasses water

1 glass diet coke
1 glass water

Do you know what my favorite part of logging my food is? It makes me so much more aware of what I am doing. For lunch I immediately grabbed 4 slices of bread to make two sandwiches and actually stopped and thought about portion size and portion control. I also thought, "do I really want to write this in my blog?" and put the other two slices of bread back. I ate lunch and was satisfied with it. I didn't need the second sandwich.

I'll be back later today or tomorrow to log the rest of my day and any exercise I manage to sneak in today.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Weeeeeeeeeee! or should I say wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

We got the wii fit with the balance board! We finally found a store that had them in stock. We've been playing since we got home and it's a blast. I've already logged 32 minutes of "moving" which is probably more than I've done since November 15, 2007 when I found out I was pregnant. I am really glad to have something in the house that gets me moving. If you don't have time to go to a gym or just want something different to do to mix things up a bit you really should get a wii. Of course I'm probably one of the last people in the world to get one. HAHA!

Food Log Day #1

So today is the first day I am logging my food intake. I'll admit, I can't be bothered to look up calories for my food but I never did count calories or points. I'm more about portions of each food group and getting a variety of food.

Oh and I re-read the tip (in Redbook magazine) about people who log their food intake versus people who don't log and it says that people who log their food for at least 6 days a week lost TWICE AS MUCH WEIGHT as people who didn't log or only logged 1 or 2 times a week. WOW! That's a significant difference!

I will add to this blog as my day goes on but so far...

Breakfast -
1 cup coffee with splenda and creamer
1/2 c dry Quaker oats mixed with water (I usually use 0% fat milk but was out)
1 tbsp brown sugar (yea, that's a tablespoonful)

1 glass of Crystal Light
1 glass of water

1 can of diet coke
a tuna sandwich (tuna was fairly dry, not dripping in mayo but still had mayo in it) on a whole grain roll with lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber slices

Supper (ugh!)
1 can diet coke
Nachos with chicken and way too much cheese on them

2 glasses Crystal Light
1 glass water

Yeah, the supper killed me. We went to my favorite restaurant, The Taco Shop, and I told Logan I wanted something healthier than my usual deep fried chimichanga so I ordered the nachos with chicken instead. Didn't think about the cheese on it until it was sitting in front of me. It was also a huge portion but I didn't eat all of it. Would a quesadilla with chicken, light on the cheese be a better option? What do you all get at Mexican places that keep you in check?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Not much to report really. I didn't weigh in Tuesday as I forgot but I did weigh myself the day before and the numbers hadn't moved in either direction.

I honestly don't know how Moms of babies find time to workout (although probably 80% of my weight issues are food related I still find working out to be important for many reasons). I am just so exhausted from working, being out of bed multiple times through the night with the baby and trying to carry on somewhat of a normal life as a wife. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

I am working on a solution currently for the sleep issue. I am reading No Cry Sleep Solutions (thanks Jennifer) and hopefully within the next month or so we'll be able to get Sadie sleeping more consistantly through the night. Lack of sleep creeps into every aspect of your life so if we can get her to only waking up twice a night it will make a huge difference in everything we do I believe. I'm not even shooting for sleeping for 8 hours solid... but if it happens, yay for us!

I think I am going to begin a food log or maybe even log my daily intake of food/drink here. I read that people who actually log their food have a higher success rate of weight loss. I can't remember the exact percentage of people who were more successful but it was a significant amount, enough to make me change my mind about food logs. I have always hated them as they seemed to make me focus (read: obsess) over my food but maybe a little extra focus (and I do mean a little, I don't want to make this an obsession) is exactly the kick in the pants I need.

So starting tomorrow, food log it is!

Friday, January 09, 2009

big sigh

So I have been avoiding the blog lately and not for the reasons you may think, although my weight is partially to blame a larger part of the avoidance is just my state of being right now.

I did weigh myself Tuesday morning and threw up a little in my mouth when I saw the mighty number 129 kilo on the scale. yuck. I am not discuraged though. I fact I am feeling quite the opposite about my ability to lose this weight. I did it before and I'll do it again and this time there will be no pregnancy to throw a wrench in my plans and I will finish, meet my goal and do my victory dance (and buy that really nice dress in the really expensive shopping street).

But honestly, the real reason I've been MIA is because I'm having severe bouts of homesickness. It has been especially hard for me to adjust being back in the Netherlands this time round. I always have a little bit of sadness after returning from the US but this time is so much harded than any of the times before. I've been here in Europe 5 years now and have never cried so much post-vacation. In fact I don't know if I've ever cried once getting back into work and life as usual. Maybe it's still pregnancy hormone fluctuation but whatever it is, I am Debby Downer in a big way.

I always miss my family but now I miss them more, I think for Sadie's sake. I loved having my Mom and Dad be with her, play with her, sing to her... it was so very special for me and to know I probably won't have that with them again for another year or so really breaks my heart. When I married Marco I knew our lives would be different than I ever imagined my life would be growing up but I don't think you can ever really prepare yourself for this kind of thing, these kind of feelings, no matter how open and honest you are with yourself about the challenges you will face as an "international couple". Babies do that to you I guess.

As always, there was not enough time with the people that we love. I felt like I hardly even saw my sister Jill. I didn't get to spend enough time with my nieces and nephews. My visits with my friends were too short and not frequent enough. It just wasn't enough... but I don't think it can ever be 'enough'.

So that's where I am right now. Really overweight and really sad. I don't need a pity party but I have always been very open with "you guys" so I thought I'd let you know where I was both physically and mentally.

On a brighter note... we got our Wii but the Wii Fit is sold out everywhere. We're stalking the toy and video stores like maniacs and will surely have one by the end of the month. I can't wait! In the meantime I have been doing well with my eating (well, better), definately better with my fluid intake, and have even been exercising a little with some brisk walks.

So if you're still with me, please have patience with me and my blog until I can snap myself out of this funk.

please note the new link on the right hand side under "weightloss inspirations" called "Weight Loss Pictures" and check out their site!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


it sucks but I'm sick. I can't breathe, am nauseated and pooped out. I'm sure it's a combo of jetlag, lack of sleep and flu/cold. It sucks though. I was sent home from work today almost as soon as I walked in the door. Didn't really make sense to go but I always feel like I should "try" to go and see how I feel later. Ugh, sometimes I just need to realize I'm sick and that's it.

So I'll be back soon. Happy New Year to you all!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

We made it home a-okay so the (weight loss) damage is done, whatever that may be. I'll post later, baby crying now.