Sunday, January 31, 2010

I wish...

I wish that every day when I woke up in the morning and check my email there would be a meal plan for the day sitting there in my inbox. Ideally, I would open that email and gasp at the wonderful things I would get to eat that day, all the while staying within a certain calorie range, let's say 1200 - 1400 calories per day.

This website would also use normal, every day ingredients, not fruits and vegtables that need to be flown in from all corners of the earth. Just typical, every day stuff that I can find at my grocery store.

This would also help end the age old dreaded question of "what's for dinner" because some brilliant little website will have already answered it for me. I could just look at my husband and say "looks like grilled salmon, lemon pepper cous cous and steamed cauliflower tonight sweetheart" instead of my typical (while rolling my eyes and audibly gasping) "oh I don't care, just whatever you feel like, wanna get pizza?".

(surely with all of the crap floating around on the internet and all of the millions of websites out there something like this exists and I am just too foolish to find it via my google search?)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Good things I've done recently

  1. I took the stairs about 4 or 5 times Friday at work.
  2. I drank two bottles of water at work
  3. I ate a decent breakfast this morning
  4. I planned two healthy dinner meals in the past three days
  5. I didn't take that second brownie, even thought I wanted to very, very much
  6. I stopped eating the cookies in the cupboard even though the thought in my head was "go ahead and polish off the pack".
  7. I did some exercises while I hung out at the house today. It wasn't a body pump class by any means but I think every little effort counts.
  8. I decided not to dwell on my negative feelings as "this, too, shall pass".
  9. I allowed myself to lean on others (virtually and in real life) in my "time of need" and I am taking their encouragement and cheers with me wherever I go.
  10. I know that I have done this before, and I know I will do it again. Not doing it is just not an option. It never has been and it never will be. I have too much to lose by not being healthy.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Heavy stuff, and I'm not talking about my weight (well sort of)

I’m just going to put it out there because if anything, I’ve always prided myself on being honest in my blog. What’s the use of sharing information with “the world” (or both my readers LOL) if I’m just going to regurgitate bullshit and make everything seem shiny, happy and perfect. That’s not the life I live (although many aspects of it are shiny, happy and perfect) and it’s not the life of most of the overweight people that I know who are struggling to get the pounds off and let go of their emotional baggage live day to day.

I’m feeling frozen and it has nothing to do with the biting winter weather we’re having. Paralyzed almost is how I would describe it. I feel like I’m hiding from myself, if that makes any sense. Boo! There I am again and what I see scares the crap out of me. Boo is right.

I seem to be searching for something, not knowing what it is. Is it spiritual? Is it emotional? Is it physical? Is it all in my head? It may be all of these or none of these but I seem to be searching none the less. Is it all weight loss related… no, not really, but it does play an enormous part, pardon the pun.

While I am playing hide and seek with myself, I am also feeling wound up, flustered almost. A bit nervous but not nervous but on “the edge”. The edge of what? The edge of flipping out? The edge of a breakthrough? The edge of finding out what it is I am both hiding from and seeking out?

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at what lies before me, the task at hand. Overwhelmed at the volume of weight that I want to lose, even though I know I can only lose one pound at a time. I have the tools available to me, and they’re with me all the time. They’re all in my head. Why am I not using them? What am I waiting for? Why is this so overwhelming when I know it doesn’t have to be? Why am I back to where I was in the beginning, looking at the BIG picture when I know I need to concentrate on the pixels that make up the image instead.

I’m feeling underwhelmed in other aspects of my life, I don’t feel like I’ve “done” enough. I haven’t done enough good for my fellow man. I haven’t done enough for my family. I haven’t done enough to allow myself to feel satisfied with my life. What is enough? I don’t have enough time. I don’t get enough sleep. I don’t have enough patience. I don’t have enough talent/will power/discipline/_____ (fill in the blank with whatever you please because Lord knows, Sarah, you’re just not enough). And in the same thought I know that’s not all true and I know it is THOSE thoughts that are self defeating, pushing me further from my goal, weight loss or not weight loss related.

But what is it that’s going to make me happy? I have a sneaking suspicion I know (being able to really write, be published, follow through with my “dream”) but maybe it’s a pipe dream that I think will make me eternally blissful but that delusion could be exactly that, just a mirage of happiness that will disappear as soon as I reach it? Will I ever get the chance to know that?
I never know what I’m going to get either. It’s like every morning I wake up roll the dice to decide how I’m going to feel that day. I shake those dice up hoping for “Yahtzee!” Sometimes the roll of the dice coincides with the step on the scale. Sometimes it’s connected to my hair, good or bad hair day. Today will I feel powerful, in control? Maybe, sometimes I do. Today will I feel accomplished? Maybe, sometimes I do. Today will I feel scared and intimidated by the goals I have set for myself? Maybe, sometimes I am. Today will I feel numb? Never. That’s one thing I never allow is to just walk around numb to my emotions. Maybe I should try it.

I am so overwhelmed by my weight loss. Absolutely gobsmacked. Frozen. Paralyzed. I am scared to death, to be completely honest. I did get on the scale today to see that I haven’t budged from last week, or the week before, or the week before that, or the week before that. Not that I’m surprised. I haven’t done jack to drop any weight but it is constantly on my mind. I am overwhelmed by it, which is just absolutely silly. I even told myself on the way to work today “quit thinking of losing all this weight and think about losing one pound, that’s all you have to do” All I have to do is lose one pound. That makes so much sense and that’s really how I should look at this.

I keep telling myself all of these wonderful things. All of these positive things. All of these really genuinely good things (that worked for me in the past, none the less) but I’m not buying what I’m selling. Why not? I’m a trust worthy vendor. I would never rip myself off. I believe in the things I am saying but I seem to have reverted back to “Sarah 2006” and that was not a nice Sarah to be, to myself.

I’d love to wrap this up with a positive “I’m going to do it” cheer, a big virtual team smack on the ass and go on my way but that wasn’t what this post was about. This, for me, was just getting this out there. Letting you all know where I am, how I am and what’s going on in this screwed up little head of mine. This is my reality at this moment. Where do I go from here…

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Time management is a foreign concept

Since Sadie's been born "time management" has become a foreign concept. It's been simply "survive" mode. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, bathe when you can, pee when you can... you get the idea. Do what you need to do to get through the day and survive. Not complaining about her or the situation AT ALL, I couldn't be a prouder, happier parent (although I COULD be a better rested one) but I'm just saying, our life if much different now and one of those major changes is how we spend our "leisure" time.

We used to have the luxury to go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week. We used to be able to properly walk the dog to get in some extra leg work. Now, if we'd join a gym they'd have to be open between then hours of 10p.m. and 6 a.m. because those are the times that we have now for "ourselves". That's totally never going to happen this century in the Netherlands, such accomodating hours for the non traditional person or family. Just not going to happen.

I took a writing workshop over the weekend. It was part of my Christmas present and I was really really looking forward to it. I have expressed how much I like to write here before and that still rings true. I love to write but alas, writing flies to the back burner and off of the stove altogether so quickly that it doesn't even begin to steam (as my loyal blog reader know, poor things!).

To say "I learned a lot" in this workshop would be unfair. Unfair to me, unfair to Lisa, who hosted the workshop and unfair to my writing. This workshop moved mountains, almost literally for me. The mountain that stood in front of my writing, Time Suck Mountain, as it's come to be known, is still standing there. What this mighty little workshop did was, it strapped on some dynamite, boarded the train and blew a hole right through Time Suck Mountain. By blowing a hole in the mountain, besides killing some small woodland creatures, (sorry guys but thanks for the sacrifice) it created a tunnel in which I can now see the other side of the mountain. Dare I say that I can even begin to look at the next mountain (named: Knock it off you whiney baby, you just got over ONE mountain") but let's take one step at a time.

The workshop didn't create more time in a day for me. She's not freaking super woman, but she did talk and teach a bit about priorities and time management. The first eye openeing step was a task she gave me. The week leading up to the workshop she asked me to set a timer for five minutes every day and write. Just for those five minutes. She asked that I do it first thing in the morning, even before I peed, to just sit and write just for 5 minutes for one week.

I couldn't write first thing in the morning before I peed because I was answering to the scream of a sickly child (who is MUCH better now, thanks!) but I did manage, every day, to set a timer and write for 5 minutes. For one week. I just made it my priority.

When I got to the workshop I produced my papers proudly. I love following instructions and turning things in on time, it's just who I am, so I was giddy with my weeks work in hand. Lisa said, as a general question to the participants, how much have you written? Some of us had done the exercise for 3 weeks, some for 2 and some, like me, for just a week. Some answered audibly, I just counted my pages. She didn't want an actual answer... she just simply asked "and how much MORE is that number than what you had written in the weeks before?" My answer was simple... I had written 100% MORE in those 5 minutes of time for 7 days than I had in the week before...and the week before that...and the week before that... and the week before that.

I had been putting off "writing" because I didn't have large chunks of time to sit down and write and in doing so I missed so many opportunities to actually just sit down and write!

Lesson learned, but that's not what this post is about... this post is about priorities...and time management. Just like I want to write... I also want to lose weight... there is a great blog out there and I believe it's on my blog roll to the left there called "5 minutes for me" and it's written by a woman who was plannnig on (I fully admit here that I have sorely neglected reading any blogs for a long long while, so maybe her plan has changed) taking the 5 minute commercial breaks and spending them exercising instead of sitting on her couch. Simple enough concept right?

So I need to prioritize my time better but I also have to be realistic, while not sugar coating my time management. I touched on the fact that I play video games on the previous post and it's true, I do play video games. I also spend every waking moment that I have available with my daughter actually focused on my daughter. I'm not saying I drown her with attention but as I work 40 hours a week, I feel that the little time that I do have with her should be spent, focused on her either playing, singing, reading or just hanging out. work 40 hours a week. I sleep.

To break it down a bit further, here are all bits of Time Mountain (in no particular order):

40 hours a week at work, plus commute time
spending time with my husband
walking the dog
chilling out/reading
watching TV
playing video games

By breaking the mountain down into tangible sized boulders I can start to piece my mountain back together leaving out the bits that I don't need (do I need to watch 2 solid hours of TV?) to make that tunnel over to the other side while still keeping that mountain stable enough to hold the weight of my caboose (I DO have to work 40 hours a week, I do have to sleep!) You have to be realistic about what things you can cut out and change in your life.

But here is an exercise that I've done and maybe, if you're looking to "find time" as well you can do it too... take a day or two and break them down into hours, minutes even, and log what you're doing at all times of the day, even if it's just sitting on the "big white chair" that flushes. Then give yourself a real honest evaluation of where your Time Sucker Mountain stands. Find out which rocks are immovable and which ones can be blown to mits. Find out what your priorities currently ARE (because it's right there in front of your face you can no longer deny that you let brushing your hair suck 4 hours out of your week!), what you want your priorities to become and make small changes to get there, even if it's just 5 minutes a day. Those 5 minutes can still be 100% more than what you were doing before.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Friday, January 08, 2010

geesh has it really been that long?

Sorry! Our computer at home is fried, seriously fried, we can't even get it to do anything other than turn on and then it's a blank, black screen, so updating my blog has become difficult.

Okay, aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnndddddddd, I haven't done bubkus towards losing any weight. The holidays, illness (Sadie and marco's not my own) and life in general got in the way, once again, and decisions were made... bad, poor. fattening choices were made, over and over and over and those 2 kilos I'd lost were found as quickly as colored eggs on Easter morning. I may even have found a few extra eggs to add to my basket if I pay close enough attention to how my clothes are fitting.

Zumba has collected dust but my new Super Mario Brother's game for Wii has had plenty of face time with me. Oh the shame of it all. (said with dramatic back-of-hand thrown against my forehead).

I should cut a deal with myself, I can only play my game IF AND ONLY IF I have already exercised. That seems fair enough, right? Holding myself to it may be a different thing but it seems like a smart plan because, honestly, jumping on little toadie heads and turtles can go on for hours before you realize what time it is and if I can dedicate that much time to saving the princess then shouldn't I save my own royal ass?