Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I will work out only one more time before I get on the plane (Wednesday evening, Friday is just way too close to leaving) so I think this will be the weight I’ll arrive home at.
Not much more to report right now. I think I’m going to try to continue to blog occasionally while on vacation just to keep myself in check and to let everybody know how I’m doing.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Last weekend was our LAST weekend before we leave for the US. (YAY!) We had MEGA shopping to do for gifts to bring to the family. I really think we chose some thoughtful gifts that everybody will love. I can't wait to see the kids open theirs, I really think they're gonna love them!
My mind is seriously scattered. I can't hold a thought for more than a minute without drifting off into la-la-land. My thoughts are like a marble in one of those labyrinths I used to play with when I was little. The marble goes this way, then that way, on the right path but then quickly and unexpectedly my mind tilts to the right, then a sharp dart left, it bumps into a barrier wall and eventually the thought marble falls into the little hole I like to call "vacation" to come out the bottom where the process begins again.
Every night Marco and I go to bed with full intentions of getting some sleep but end up talking for hours about vacation and what we're looking forward to most. We go over things that happened on previous vacations where we're going to eat first and how we'll spend each day.
We think about our schedules and how we can make sure to spend plenty of time with everybody. We talk about the car we're renting (a Chevy Uplander, anybody have one and if so what do you think?). We talk about what to pack. We talk about what we're going to buy. We talk about playing BINGO. We end up talking until our eyes are tearing up and we have no other choice but to fall asleep.
Good news is I'm no longer dreaming about my family feeding me bacon wrapped pancakes, bacon wrapped sausages and bacon wrapped bacon! I've made some peace with how I'm going to handle food while I'm home which would be why I'm no longer dreaming of the sabotage that is the American meal.
I've decided I'm going to gain weight while I'm home and that I'm okay with that. I am giving myself 5 pounds. I think that's kind of strict but if I really put the lessons I've learned from "the book" to use I think it's totally doable.
This week has been a rough one for me. Since we were out and about all weekend I didn't eat nearly as healthy as I usually do AND I skipped the gym on Sunday. I also had an insistent craving for chocolate all day long today. I gave into it... a few times...but not in a binge type way...we're talking through the course of the day I had a choco-coffee (which I totally cut out of my diet two weeks ago) and 2 mini candy bars. I'm still having the craving but hopefully it will pass soon. I've given into it a little and now it's just being plain stubborn. I can be stubborn too though.
We shall see how "rough" the week was when I step on the scale tomorrow morning. I had a big-ish loss last week so I'm praying for anything but a gain and I'd be super duper happy with just staying steady.*fingers crossed*
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I have 3 to 4 more chances to work out before my trip home to the US in 9 days. If I've ever had motivation to go to the gym this is definitely it!!!!!! I know I've said it before but I am SO EXCITED to get home!I've been in really good spirits this week and totally motivated to eat well and work out hard. The cardio time at the gym seems to be flying by and my weights seem to be going really well.
I turned down chocolate at work today and I didn't even think twice about it. I wasn't even tempted.
I've been paying attention to my water intake and my eyeballs should be floating with as much water as I'm drinking. I range anywhere from 15 to 21 - 8 oz glasses every day. I keep a water bottle with me at work at all times. I fill it up as soon as I get there at 9 and by 12 I have usually finished 3 bottles. I spend a lot of time in the little girls room but at least I know my kidney's are working out too!
I've gotten compliments on my weight loss at work a few times over the past two weeks. It really makes me feel good when people who see me all the time notice. It is probably because I dug out some of my older, smaller clothes and am wearing them instead of my older, way too big clothes. But even my smaller clothes aren't quite small enough. It feels AWESOME to say that.
I've found out that my cousin Melissa has also lost 50 pounds since last time I saw her. We've been emailing back and forth through our changes and she's been a great support. She recently sent me a picture and she looks FABULOUS! I can't wait to see her in the less-flesh!
My sister, Jill, has also dropped 20 pounds in the last couple months or so. She's given me credit for inspiring her, which makes me pretty happy.
My Mom has even discovered she's dropped some weight when she went to buy her dress for my brother's wedding and needed a smaller size. Seems like everybody has caught the bug!
I've noticed I have two little knobs poking out of my ankles. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had ankle knobs. I welcome them.
My watch is now down two full notches. Thank God I lost that all of that wrist fat, it was one of my bigger concerns and a problem area for me. (*that statement is dripping with sarcasm*)
I can't wait to get on the plane and NOT need a seat belt extender. No more nervous sweaty palms for me while boarding!
Sorry this is such an "all over the place" post but you were warned with the title!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I really concentrated more on my cardio this week, changing up my routines so I’m not doing the same motions over and over. I’ve started doing intervals on different machines. It also helps to break up the monotony so I don’t get bored so fast. Fifteen minutes fly by compared to 40 minutes doing the same thing on one machine. For instance Friday night I started with a 10 minute warm up on the bike, then did 10 more minutes on the row machine (would have done 15 but my shoulders were killing me), switched to the elliptical for 30 minutes and ended with a 5 minute cool down on the treadmill.
I was also very careful with my food intake, cutting out my coffee (choffee really as I usually use a pack of hot chocholate mixed with regualr black coffee) and afternoon mini-chocholate on most days, as I said I was going to last week. I think there was one day I did have chocolate in the afternoon because if I totally restrict myself then I would end up binging this week and that is another pattern I’m trying to break (and doing very well at actually). If I did over-eat anything it was fresh fruit and really, who has ever gotten fat from fruit?
I’ve discovered a “new” fruit that I really like. It’s very exotic, tasty and easy to get. It’s a pear! Ok so a pear isn't exactly exotic but it was for me! Believe it or not I had never had a fresh pair in my entire life up until last week. I had only had canned pears that they used to give you in the grade schol cafeteria and I really didn’t like them. They had a gritty feeling to them and it just grossed me out. Recently I had read an article saying that pears were one of the best fruits for you, giving you the most fiber (9 grams per pear I believe) so I thought I’d be a big girl and try one. Ends up, I love them! They really fill me up more than any other fruit and they’re not as gritty as I remembered the canned pears being. There’s a Turkish shop right around the corner from work and I’ve been walking to it on my lunch hour to stock up on fresh pears and other fruits. They’re unbelievably cheap!
I’ve really tweaked my routine and habits this past week and it seems to have paid off. I’m going to continue with what I’ve been doing for this week and we’ll see how it works out in next Tuesday’s weigh-in.
Hmmm...maybe my crazy bouts are a good thing?
Sunday, March 18, 2007
***Disclaimer: I realize that by typing out what I'm about to type out that I will seem crazier than I have in the past. Even crazier than conjuring up an image of Fat smoking a cigar poking fun of me at the gym. Please don't let this deter you from continuing reading. If you would meet me you would never guess I was this crazy in my head, so I'm imagining we're all this crazy, I'm just putting it out there for you to see.***
I reverted back to "the book" and remembered a section where Dr. Phil talks about payoffs. He says that you continue your habits because in some way you are getting something out of it. It's some sort of little reward or satisfaction that keeps you bound to the habit.
I'll be real honest. I didn't spend a ton of time on trying to figure out what my payoff of remaining overweight was. I did try to think about it but I really couldn't come up with much of anything. I didn't like the way I looked. I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like the health risks. I didn't like constantly feeling so full that I was miserable. I wasn't afraid of intimacy, so I wasn't staying overweight to keep people away. I wasn't hiding behind my fat as I'm pretty open to just about everybody. So what sort of sick payoff was I getting out of doing this to myself?
The first step to finding my payoff was realizing the pattern that my sabotaging took on. I actually picked up on it pretty quickly this time around which means I can nip it in the bud just as quickly (I hope).
So I was at the gym on the elliptical machine with my head phones on but the music off. It was a perfect time to get lost in thought. What was I getting out of putting weight back on after working so hard to get every single one of those 60-ish pounds off?
It wasn't long before a little thought crept into my head, poked its face around the corner of my brain and showed itself. It just was a quick one armed wave 'hello' but it was enough to get my attention.
"If I don't really try the I can't really fail".
That was it. If I wasn't really trying to lose weight then I couldn't really fail at it either. (this is the part that gets bizarro and I don't know if anybody else will every really understand what I'm going to try to explain)
I chewed on that thought for a few minutes wondering if this was really my payoff. I took myself back to Liz's wedding and thought about how I was feeling at that time in my life. She was doing a wonderful job at losing weight and although it wasn't a competition at all my weight seemed to have been coming off slower. So I just stopped trying. When her wedding came around I didn't make myself feel bad for having to stuff myself into my bridesmaid's dress because I knew I didn't even try. So in a way... I didn't fail.
Then I thought about my own wedding day. I'd love to say I felt like a beautiful bride on my wedding day and how magical it felt to be in my dress but I'd be a liar and I hate liars. I felt like an enormous white cow. I even gained so much weight between fittings (which were literally about 5 days apart) that the part of my dress the seamstress took in should have been let right back out again. I sabotaged my own freaking wedding. (wack-o!) My feelings of udder cow-ness (get it...udder) was only magnified when one of my dear friends T.J. took the liberty of asking me if I was pregnant... in the middle of my reception...on my wedding day...making me feel like the biggest fattest bride that ever walked the earth. What was he thinking? I have no idea but I know what I thought... Jesus how can I do this to myself? (in T.J.'s defense he may have only asked that because Marco and I got married rather quickly, after knowing each other only 9 months, so maybe he was not referring to how I looked in my dress but rather the speed of our relationship but of course I took it to mean I looked pregnant. I'm assuming now that I was assuming the worst then, but you know what they say about assuming.)
So that was twice in the past 5-ish years that I can remember such exciting, emotionally heavy events that made me totally sabotaged myself by gaining weight.
As I've said before, I'm going home to the US very soon. In 12 days to be exact I will be "home". I am very emotional about the entire trip. Not weepy emotional but a whirlwind of excitement. I love my family and friends so much that I feel like a child the night before Christmas every time I think about landing at O'Hare and driving on down to my mom and dad's house. Every time I go home for a visit it only takes me a few hours before I feel like I've never left the place. It's such a welcoming, comforting feeling and I am greatly looking forward to it.
I weighed 301 pounds the last time anybody there saw me. I now weight 60(ish) pounds less. Everybody knows I've lost weight. Most of them read my blog (I hope) so they know to expect a change in me when they see me this time. So why in the world, in the last few weeks before arriving home, would I be so crazy as to start sabotaging all over again?
I really honestly think it's a fear of failure. I think, in the way far back chambers of my messed up little mind that "If they see me at this weight now then what will they think if I do gain any of this weight back when they see me next time? They'll know I failed."
So my payoff for packing on the pounds (ok so I haven't packed on anything, I've just been hovering around 60 for far too long) is not ever having to say I've failed at weight loss.
I've tossed this idea out at Marco to get his thoughts. He pointed out to me that I haven't failed. I've lost over 60 pounds... why in the world was I thinking about failure?
That's a valid point I guess and I can see where he's coming from. I've actually succeeded or at least been successful thusfar. And failing really isn't an option for me so I don't know why the thought that I will fail is even there. I cannot go back to how I used to live it's just not a box I'm able to tick.
I guess it's kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've done really well so I'm just waiting for something to happen that throws me back into the downward spiral, swirling around and around until I have no choice but to give in to it. Little did I realize that it was ME who was dropping the other shoe right on my own head. The 'something that is going to throw me into the spiral' is my own f-ed up thought process. It's my own fears that I'd never acknowledged that have sabotaged me in the past.
So I've taken steps to stop that process this week. I've passed up the temptations of unhealthy foods and binging by literally telling myself "why would you do that to yourself, you have to break the pattern". It's been working but it's a lot tougher than it seems. Sometimes I have arguments in my head back and forth but for the most part good has won out over evil.
I feel pretty good about my progress this week. It's been one of the best weeks mentally that I've had in probably a month. I feel back on track, centered and focused. We shall see on Tuesday if I've beaten myself at my own little mind game.
p.s. T.J. I still love you!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
But in all fairness I could definitely be more strict on my eating habits. I've been slipping a little a little more often that I should and I need to get that back in check. I've noticed that I'm in a bit of a pattern that I will eat badly for a meal and then really have to push myself to make up for it the next day or in my next meal and I'm leaving myself unsatisfied at some meals. I want to balance that out. Ultimately I'd like to eat balanced for every meal so I'm not playing the whole steal-from-this-meal-and-pay-back-at-that-meal game. I'm going to try to cut out my coffee in the morning (since I mix a pack of hot chocolate in with it because it's really the only way I can drink it here) and I'm going to stop having my afternoon chocolate just to cut out a few extra calories. I'm going to really push my cardio at the gym. I'm VERY bored with it but it's no reason to slack. The weather is turning out to be really beautiful here so hopefully I'll be spending some more time out and about.
My eating patterns lately remind me, on a much smaller scale, of what I did to myself when my friend Liz was getting married. I was Maid of Honor and I knew I was going to have to fit in a dress. She, thankfully, picked out a pretty one. While she was very busy losing weight to fit in her big white dress but I seemed to be doing the exact opposite. Even though I knew I had to fit in this dress I was sabotaging myself and really over eating obnoxious amounts of food. I haven't quite worked out mentally why I did that (or do that). Maybe it was nerves or emotions or whatever but I definitely was not making any sort of conscious effort to watch my weight. I even remember thinking to myself while I was eating something totally calor-ific "I should not be having this, I have to fit in that dress and look decent in her wedding pictures" but I would eat it anyway and feel horribly guilty later. But not guilty enough to stop the cycle though. Once the wedding was over I stopped stuffing myself. Now how ass backwards is that?
I see that pattern again, like I said though on a much smaller scale, with my trip home. I am just so nervous/excited/thrilled/happy/anxious that I seem to be every so slightly sabotaging myself. It sucks to admit that. But maybe by admitting it and throwing it out there for all of you to know, maybe that will help me get a grip on it. I can't work out why I do it, I really honestly don't know but I do it and it's messed up. I want to stop and I think I will.
Another reason this post is "jammer" is because my bike was stolen last night! Now the weather is getting really pretty out and I can take a long ride along the Amstel canal and enjoy the weather while getting in some extra exercise and it's gone! I rode it to my Dutch class last night to only come out and see my lock hanging limp on the pole where my bright orange bike once stood. It's not even a nice bike, it is a low-end, Dutch orange, "omafiets" (translate grandma bike) with a broken tail light but darn it it was MY bike! Two guys across the street from the school said they tried to stop the two guys who stole it but they saw them too late and the lock was already cut. My classmates were kind enough to walk with me to the tram stop since it was 10 at night and I made my way home safely. (Thanks Matthew, Arif and Lucky!)
So that's my jammer post for today. Next week I promise to have an "uitstekend" weigh-in.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
On top of being sore from my body pump class yesterday it was also a gorgeous sunny day out and I just couldn't justify spending it inside the gym. I ended up taking Scooter for numerous long walks along the canal and through the park instead. He loved it, I loved it but I have a feeling the scale isn't going to love it come Tuesday. Sometimes though you just have to take a break for yourself. I mean, I did exercise. I walked with the dog for a good 3 hours if not more today. It may not have been sweaty heart pumping walking but I was outside and I was moving.
The beautiful weather made me drag the suitcases out from upstairs to try on my summer clothes and see where I stood. As luck would have it, I ended up standing naked for the most part. I've outgrown (or is it ingrown) everything. The shirts I was looking forward to fitting into are too big. I passed them right up! I went through the entire wardrobe and ended up with 2 dresses (one which I have never worn before because it was always just a little too snug for my taste but is now almost too big but still wearable), a couple t-shirts and 2 or 3 button down shirts. The rest was all just too big and looked pretty horrible, which is a good thing I guess.
I've bagged up the things I want to get rid of but some of my other clothes are in really good condition and were really expensive! I hate to just toss 'em in a bin for them to end up God knows where. Some things I've only worn once or twice and a couple more I never wore at all! So I've put an ad on a local expat website to give my better clothes away. I have had one woman respond and she's going to come take a look at the clothes in a couple weeks.
I know how hard it is to shop here if you're not a small person so I'm more than glad to help another person out. Last time I did this I gave away sizes 28 through 24. Now I'm giving away all my 22/24's. Seems like I'm fitting in 20's right now and probably 16/18 in shirts. So that's about 5 dress sizes! YAY!
My closet it looking bare but with my trip to the US right around the corner I'm sure I'll be able to remedy that!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I think it went better this time because I knew what to expect. I wasn't so freaked out when we continued to squat, squat, squat, squat, squat, squat and squat until my legs were feeling like wet spaghetti. I knew it would be over soon so I didn't get that panicked feeling that I wasn't going to make it
This time the instructor, Paul, changed things up a bit which was nice since I was unable to do some of the exercises last time, like the dips for your triceps. I'm just not dip-able quite yet. He managed to find other ways to torture our triceps and abs that I was able to keep up with.
A problem I had though was with another participant of the class. Firstly, she came in late, which pisses me off. I hate lateness. It's irritating as hell.
Secondly she parked her late ass right in front of me, which blocked my view of Paul. Now Paul's cute and all (in that I'm-a-gay-club-boy-let's-be-best-friends-and-go-shoe-shopping sort of way) but that's not why I was peeved at this girl. I really need to be able to see him for a few reasons. One being that I don't have all the moves down as it's only my second time in the class so I need to mimic him. I don't like to watch other classmates as sometimes they don't have the best form and then I end up doing the exercise totally wrong. Not only that, the class is given in Dutch, naturally, but sometimes I won't know a word or can't hear over the music so I really need to be able to see the instructor.
Her blocking my view also meant that I couldn't see myself in the mirror to see my form which is irritating. In the step class last week that would have been PERFECT but not this one. I had people on either side of me so just moving wasn't an option. What a butthole.
I did manage to skootch over enough to make it totally obvious that I was irritated at the fact that she was standing right in front of me. It made it so that when she looked in the mirror at herself she immediately saw me directly behind her. I'm not small, she couldn't miss me. That had to be annoying to her, which was really my goal so I was satisfied.
Overall the class went well. I had gone in early and did 30 minutes of cardio on the cross trainer before which ended up working out great since this class mainly focuses on strength training.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to tackle another spin class. That is only if I can walk of course. After my last body pump class I vaguely remember being in immense pain with every single movement and going to the toilet being a challenge.
Funny how you can forget the pain isn't it? Not only do you forget the pain but you chose to do it all over again knowing that the pain will come. Bring it on I say!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I was surprised because I’ve eaten significantly more than usual this week. It wasn’t all bad food (a little bit was, I had an ice cream craving), it was just more than I have been eating in the past. This is the week of the dreaded period which usually means my stomach is a bottomless pit unable to be filled by any amount of food. SO I would eat a little here and a little there but I just never felt satisfied. I’m assuming the difference was that I reached for healthier alternatives to try to stave off hunger rather than anything that would fill my belly.
So looks like I’m still hanging out with 60 with a total loss of 61.18 pounds as of today.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
See the little bity seat. My not-so-little-bity arse sat on it for an hour today. Well not the whole hour as a portion of the class is done standing up but when I did sit down it was on this narrow cushionless seat. Ouch!
It was probably the most challenging exercise I have done to date. When I said earlier that I was sweating I am talking dripping-wet-down-my-back-into-my-arse-crack-soaking-my-underoos-running-down-my-legs-into-my-socks sweaty. My arms were glistening, my face was that lovely shade of purple that I blogged about before, my fingers were even sweating. Now when you're pinkies are dripping in salty sweat you just know you're kicking some big fat caloric butt!
I was able to keep up with most of the class. Occasionally I would have to sit back and gather myself as I tend to overwork and get dizzy from my heart rate being too high. That was the beauty of the class though, since you're on your own bike you can work at your own speed. Once settled I would join back in wherever the class was, pretty simple.
Next time I will have the instructor help me adjust my bike to the proper height and things. I think my seat was either back to far or not back far enough because when we were sitting and spinning my "girl parts" would be in a heck of a lot of pain or go numb. I prefer the latter but surely that can't be normal or expected.
I also think my handlebars could have been up a little higher. There wasn't much time to adjust things before class but next time I'll be sure to ask for help.
It was an awesome leg/booty workout and just an overall sweat-a-thon. I highley recomend it!
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I was living with my parents again. It was me, my parents and my brother all in one house. My brother and I were going to high school and I was running late. We were going to miss the bus.
In my head I kept thinking that I had to eat breakfast because I just couldn’t skip breakfast but I was running out of time. I was finishing getting dressed when I saw out of the corner of my eye that the bus was at the stop and we missed it.
Then a thought came to my head… I’m 30 years old… I can drive my car to high school. (why I didn’t think I’m 30 years old I don’t have to go to high school I have no idea!)
So I was finishing getting dressed and still worried about breakfast. I yelled to my brother that I would drive us to school but we had to stop at the gas station for breakfast. I was visualizing all the donuts, snacks, little debbies, twinkes, chips etc. that come along with a gas station breakfast. I knew those things were bad for me but knew I had to eat something.
So I walked into the kitchen and found that my mom had cooked breakfast… for a small army. The kitchen was absolutely full of every single type of breakfast food you could imagine… only none of it was healthy. It was fried eggs wrapped in bacon, sausages wrapped in bacon (yes, sausages wrapped in bacon), pancakes wrapped in greasy bacon, waffles with bacon on the side, hash browns, fresh deep friend donuts rolled in sugar… all of this totally awful food. And the food was all shiny, dripping in grease.
I started piling my plate with things but in my head I was saying how bad all of this food was for me. Then I went to the fridge to get some milk. When I opened it there were boxes upon boxes of cold pizza, one of my favorite breakfast foods. So I grabbed a slice of pizza and turned to put it on my plate but my plate was empty. I thought my brother stole my food off my plate but left the plate in my hand. But now I had plenty of room for all the delicious cold pizza so it was ok. Yes, I knew it was bad for me but it was going to keep me from going to the gas station on the way to school and I actually rationalized this in my head.
I stacked my plate high with cheesy pizza and sat at the table with my family. As I reached for the salt and looked back at my plate all of my food was gone again. This time I realized it disappeared, nobody stole it. I realized what was going on. I could be tempted with this fattening food and I could try to eat it but when it came right down to it I couldn’t do it.
The dream then continued on… but none of it was food related so no need to go on and on and on, not that I ever would.
So after waking up I began thinking what the dream meant. I know I’ve been thinking a lot about my trip to the US. I’ve also been trying to devise a game plan as to how to stay on track of my weight loss while home. Keith and Liz have both said we can workout together which is fun but it’s the food that’s really keeping me worried. I’ve said it in the past but food can really bring you “home” if your’e away from home. And once you are home you want to have everything that you can’t get while you’re away. The smell of your mom’s kitchen, the bakery that you used to love, your favorite restaurants that you just can’t get in Europe… they all bring you that comfort of home and I know I won’t be able to experience them once I’m back in Holland.
I believe I need to really concentrate on the mental part of my weight loss. This will be the true test if I have conquered the way I think of food. It’s not a way to love, to celebrate, to visit, to connect… it’s only a way to nourish my body. (*repeat until engrained in your mind)