Tuesday, May 29, 2007
So as of today I am 28 kilos (61.60 pounds) lighter with 38.40 pounds (17.45 kilos) to go to reach my big goal. I'm hoping next week I can lose at least 2 pounds to make the loss feel significant again.
Monday, May 28, 2007
As an adult the desire to be rewarded doesn't die off. You still like that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when somebody notices you've done something and done it well.
When you graduate college or pass a certification test it's still OK for your mom to fawn all over you and tell you how terrific you are. She can even take you to your favorite spa for mani's and pedi's if she really wants to, you won't mind.
When you work your arse off on a project that brings a new client or big money to your company you like to be rewarded with a raise, a better office or an extra weeks paid vacation... anything that shows you, hey, your effort is acknowledged!
Weight loss is no different than any of those instances above. It's a hard job. It's difficult work. It takes time and dedication. It takes changes... not just small changes but big life altering changes. It forces you to make difficult decisions. It makes you step back, take a look at your life and have the courage to change it. It's not easy!
Losing weight deserves a new pair of shoes for Pete's sake. Or at least that's the conclusion I drew after a conversation with my husband yesterday. I haven´t had a carrot dangling in front of my nose to make me run since my brother´s wedding in April. No dream to chase other than my big goal of losing 100 pounds. I had no reward in mind for when I reach my little milestones (if you consider the 75 and 90 pound mark little).
So my rewards thus far have been pretty good ones. When I reached my first 30 pounds I got a gym membership. That's been invaluable. It's really the gift that keeps on giving through this whole thing. Great reward.
When I reached 50 pounds I had a nice relaxing massage. That may not be everybody's idea of a great reward but I loved it. Massages are definitely my "thing". It was a great motivation.
When I left for the US in the end of May at 66 pounds in the negative I bought myself a fantastic new dress (and almost an entire new wardrobe). Again, it's a gift that just keeps on giving.
So now I need some new rewards. One for 75, 90 and of course the big 1-0-0.
For my 75 pound (34 kilo) reward I have decided that momma needs a new pair of shoes. I'm a shoe-a-holic. I'll admit it. I just come from the school of thinking that I can never own too many pairs of shoes. I will confess that most pairs I can only wear for short amounts of time before blisters pop up, the balls of my feet ache and I am hobbling around complaining that my feet are killing me (just ask my friends Keith and Josh about 4th of July a few years ago and the "trading of the shoes". If they are brave enough to tell the true story you'll get a good laugh) but that doesn't stop me from popping into every shoe store with hopes that this next pair is gonna be the pair that I can wear for more than 3 hours at a time.
For my 90 pound (41 kilo) reward I may have to go with another massage. I'm not fully decided on that one yet.
For my big 100 pound (45.4 kilo) reward I wanna go big, huge, enormous...really out there (for me anyway). I've tossed some ideas out there to Marco and yesterday he actually said with a straight face "Isn't being healthy reward enough?" HA!!!!
Yeah I'm totally excited to be healthy. I'm thrilled for the great things I'm actually doing for my body and my life but not celebrating this huge feat in a more spectacular way is not what I had in mind.
Can you imagine being in the audience of The Price is Right and having your name called out to be a potential contestant? You run down screaming to contestants row, shaking in your shoes. You may faint. You then bid $1 for the toaster oven to learn that everybody else overbid! You won! You run screaming to the stage, trip up the stairs and finally get to kiss THE BOB BARKER on the cheek!
Out comes one of the lovely ladies pushing along a putting green. You get to play the golf game! You manage to win a few boxes of Rice-o-Roni, a couple of mountain bikes and a new rug for your living room. Those are pretty decent prizes but the best is yet to come!
You're spinning the big wheel on the Price is Right, you get closest to a dollar (and bump your head on the sign displaying your dollar amount while jumping up and down), you're going to the show case showdown!
Barker's Beauties come out, the curtain drawns back and your showcase, which was passed to you by the snot nose college punk next to you so he could get a vacation and new car in his showcase, is displayed. Imagine your horror as you learn your showcase is nothing but some multi-vitamins, a health insurance discount, a DVD of the show you were on and the knowledge of knowing you won on TPIR.
The knowledge of knowing I won?!?!? What the hell kind of prize is that?
THAT is what losing 100 pounds and not rewarding myself is like to me. Yeah I got all the little prizes along the way but I don't want a crappy showcase. I can buy my own damned vitamins. I want to CELEBRATE!!!!! I don't want all of this hard work, this excitement, the whole buildup of losing 100 pounds to be met with a handshake and a blender. I deserve better.
I want a "Last Minute Deal" vacation for me and my husband to some Spanish island. I want a diamond stud earring (just one) to wear. I want a new dress from one of the high end fashion boutiques in the city. I want to own, wear and look smoking in something that says "Ralph", "Prada" or some other equally as expensive incredible label (even though I am usually not a label monger in the least). I want something that I'm going to remember for a long time to come.
I still have a few months to keep thinking about my personal hand picked showcase. I already know the magic number to bid (100) all I need now is for Barker's Beauties to come out and show me something 100 pound worthy.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I'd like to take the time to give a big shout out to my main man Marco on his 37th birthday! I'd also like to share a poem that I've written on behalf of this very special day.
M is for manly, all studly and strong
A is for Aardig which translates in English to nice, which Marco is...nice
Wait... that line sucked. Ok, here we go.
M is for my man all sexy and sweet
A is for...
A is for ...
Shit... let's skip A for now, we'll come back to it.
R is for really, really, really, really, really great
C is for cuteness in my special mate
O is for orgas...
Wait, that's inappropriate for this blog..it was the whole mate thing... anyway
O is for old man, my ball and my chain...
Wait... I'm one letter short! I have to have a letter to rhyme with chain. Crap! Oh wait... I've got it.
For real. Lets do this. Altogether now.
M is for Marco, my reason to smile.
A is for affection, it's always your style.
R is for random acts of kindness that you do.
C is for caring and always loving little you.
O is for outstanding the best husband of all.
Marco you'll always be the bell of my ball.
Sorry for the super McCheesy supreme poem honey but you know it wouldn't be a proper birthday without a "Sarah's Original".
I love you guts honey! Happy Birthday.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Yes they have chocolate in the Netherlands. Hell we're right on top of Belgium who is world renowned for chocolate. They have excellent chocolate here, I've eaten my fair share (and your fair share too) but they don't have ANY of these chocolates and these chocolates are a little bit like home.
The candy bars are all micro-mini size, really just one bite but I cannot quit looking at them. They're sitting there all pretty, neatly packaged in their tiny bite size little wrappers in the big huge glass candy jar and they're staring at me. Right at me. When I walk in in the morning, there they are. When I need to get some of my files... they're sitting there. When somebody drops something in my inbox they're peeking at me from the corner of my eye. Sometimes I even hear them calling out my name.
Butterfinger (whispering): "Psst. Sarah... PSST. Sarah! Over here. Remember me?
I walk past not batting an eye.
Butterfinger: "oh no you di'int. I know you heard me. Saaaraaahhh. It's me... butterfinger.
I pass by again and give the candy jar the I'll-kill-you-if-my-name-ever-passes-your-lips-errr-you-probably-don't-have-lips- ok just shut up look!
Butterfinger (pleading): But Sarah... I'm crispity. I'm crunchity....come on... you know the rest.
I stop dead in my tracks and my head jerks slightly.
Butterfinger: Come on Sarah... I'm crispity. I'm crunchity.
I feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead and my hands are ever so slightly trembling. I may faint.
Butterfinger: Just finish the sentence for me just this one little time... pweeeeeze? Just for me... Come on...I'm crispity. I'm crunchity...
Me (yelling...and drooling): You're butterfingery! You're Butterfinger!!!! Aaa!!!!!!
I rip the lid off the jar and stick my hands in like a child at Halloween grabbing fistfuls of the little treats. I plop down on the floor as I fumble with the first wrapper stuffing those bite size chocolates in my face so fast I actually ate a wrapper or two. My colleagues looked on in horror. I was ravenous!
And then I'm snapped back into reality by the phone ringing or something else as utterly annoying.
Ok so it never happens quite like this but God those stupid chocolates drive me crazy sitting there.
I really proves to me how making your environment as non-fail as possible is such a very important step in this whole process. If it's not there you can't eat it plain and simple. I don't bring chocolate or candies or anything that I just cannot resist to my house anymore (cake, oreos, ice cream, full fat cream cheese). It was one of the first steps I took in this whole journey, to throw out all the junk. At the time I thought it was a baby step, a minor thing, but I realize now how big this step actually is. It's so very important that you set yourself up for success. Sitting at work every day looking at that huge candy jar full of candy that I really do love is killing me.
I do have a chocolate from the jar every day. Sometimes even two. I'm not super human. I eat these little bitty bite size chocolates and I don't let myself feel guilty. If I didn't eat them then the dramatization I wrote above could very well come true. They'll be gone soon. I won't cry when I say goodbye.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Crossing my fingers for a productive week!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
It is also Sunday which means it's my day to go to the gym and workout. I almost talked myself out of it though. It was so gorgeous out that it just seemed like such a shame to be inside monotonously treading the mill or cross training my afternoon away.
Like a good girl (actually like a girl who is desperate for a loss on the scale this Tuesday) I packed my bag and biked to the gym. I lifted all my weights and hopped up on the treadmill. While I was walking away I got to thinking about how people (including myself) are always saying what a shame it is to be indoors when it's nice outside. Hmmm... is it really such a shame?
In my case if I would go outside I would probably walk with the dog. I may take along a blanket and book and read under a tree in the park while Scooter chewed on a stick and begged for attention from every person who walked past like he'd never seen another human before. He's good at that. I'd sit at the playground for a while and watch the kids goof around and maybe even pet the baby sheep. Quite possibly I'd go to the forest and let Scooter run wild with the other doggies there for a few hours. I'd like to think I'd take my Dutch homework with me and work on it but let's be honest... that's NEVER gonna happen. I'd have one of the most relaxing days just hanging out people watching. It'd be great.
What would be a true shame would be for me to let the weather be an excuse not to push my body and to miss a much needed workout. Now I've missed a workout at the gym due to rain and not wanting to ride my bike in the freezing cold but I just couldn't find a way to justify missing a workout because it was nice out.
It would be different if I would miss a workout at the gym and actually exercise outside but if you look at my list above you can clearly see that the only thing that was going to get my heart pumping there was rolling around laughing at the thought of doing my Dutch homework.
Maybe I could take a jog and get my heart pumping... it's happened before and I actually do enjoy running outside but I know in my truest heart of hearts that I probably wouldn't have and I wouldn't have even bothered to try to replace the workout that my weight lifting gives me. That's just something that I would never begin to know how to do outside.
So was it a shame for me to be in the gym sweating my arse off on a beautiful day like today? Should I feel badly for spending 2 hours indoors working out? Had I not gone, could I have felt ok with my decision justifying my actions with good weather? I don't think so. It would have been a shame if I would have given myself another "out" from working out and it could have set a precedent for the rest of the beautiful summer.
Follow the link to see just how we Americans measure up to the rest of the world. Then come back and read the rest of this because I'm not smart enough to know how to make the link open up in a new window.
31% of the American population over the age of 15 have a body-mass index (BMI) of 30 or higher. That is just stunning. And what is so sad is we're winning the race by a landslide. Mexico is just rounding the bend as we're crossing the finish line coming in at 24%.
I know Americans are competitive and we like to be the best at everything but I wonder if we realize this isn't a race we want to win?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
I am always reading posts that say things like "I ate 4 brownies today! I've ruined my diet!" or "I haven't gone to the gym in a week. I'll never lose weight!" or "I was so bad today" or similar dramatic proclamations. Dramatic in the sense that they're not totally true but not dramatic in the sense that the people who wrote them probably really do believe that they have ruined all of their weight loss efforts by their temporary relapse. I know I used to have that same frame of thinking. Here is how it would happen for me:
I would start a diet. I would stop eating "bad" foods. I'd do really well for a while. I've have a weak moment. I'd eat a piece of cake my mom baked. I'd feel so guilty about the cake and I'd just KNOW I'd blown my diet. I would eat the rest of the cake (yeah, the whole freaking thing) because I already failed so why not?
Like a teenage good girl attracted to the rebellious hellion boy I would be totally fixated on the "bad" foods until I just couldn't take it anymore. I knew they weren't good for me. I knew the bad boys of food with their ripped-in-the-knee jeans, too-tight-t-shirt, pierced ear and unruly hair would only lead me down the path of destruction. I told myself over and over "you could never bring him to Christmas dinner with Grandma" but I just couldn't resist. I wanted them. I HAD to have them! So I would once again fall into the doomed relationship only to later feel regretful, disappointed and even fatter.
This is totally illogical and irrational behavior on my part. I know that (now). It's also behavior that would repeat itself every single time I dieted and restricted myself. Those bad boys just never go away! When I would restrict myself totally from the bad boys of food that I really enjoyed I would eventually end up in a binge... every single time.
This brings me to "the book". I re-read a passage this morning that inspired me to share with others. I quote:
Very Important: never let one treat turn into an excuse for blowing your entire food plan. Many of you may still be locked in the grip of that all or nothing mentality ... Your line of reasoning goes something like this "I ate a bowl of ice cream. I blew it so I might as well eat the whole carton." Letting a treat or a little splurge be an excuse to go off on a protracted binge is so profoundly irrationally that it will prevent you from ever gaining control over your weight. Sure, maybe you stumbled, but take that setback experience and use it as a catalyst to reaffirm your commitment and strengthen your resolve to do really, really better tomorrow. (quote from pg 196 Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions).
I know I know... it seems so simple and really... it is simple for me now. But the reason that it's simple for me now is because I am no longer restricting my diet. I am not labeling any foods as "bad" anymore. This has been key in my weight loss efforts. No more bad boys of food because even the baddest of boys have a little good in them, right?
This doesn't mean that I don't mess up. I still make a date with a rebel every once in a while. That-small-ice cream-was-a-bit-bigger-than-I-thought-it-was-going-to-be-but-I-ate-the-whole-damned-thing-anyway still happens. The difference now is how I handle my over indulgence. Instead of thinking "Geesh I suck. I ate the whole stinking thing. 1000's of calories! All my hard work down the toilet. I've ruined everything!" I tell myself "Nothing is done or undone in one snack, one meal, one day, one week or even one month. I haven't ruined everything. Don't be so dramatic Sarah. Just start again starting now."
Seriously, I tell myself this all of the time. I give this advice to others at least once a week. I have even said it so much on one particular message board that another girl has quoted me when encouraging another women to pick herself up and start over. (which totally made me blush!)
"Nothing is done or undone in one snack, one meal, one day, one week or even one month". It goes both ways... when you binge you haven't undone anything or when you eat a great healthy meal you haven't changed everything instantly. No one moment does or un- does anything totally. It's your entire combined effort as a whole that gives you results.
So even if you've been "off the bandwagon" for a few days or even weeks you haven't caused yourself any permanent damage. You haven't undone all of your efforts up to this point. You can still accomplish your goal. You don't have to slip unto those old familiar ways. You don't have to call up that rebel and meet him behind the gym for a make-out session that'll only lead you to the confessional on Sunday. You can break the cycle.
Friday, May 18, 2007
I made plans with my friend Nelly yesterday while at work to go and play tennis today at this club she belongs to. I've never been a tennis player but even more than that I never make plans with anybody... hardly ever. I don't know why I never make plans I mean... I like people... they're fun...people like me... I'm fun... I just never make plans with people here. In the US my schedules were always packed with places to go, fun things to do, people to see but for whatever reason I just don't do that here in the Netherlands. Maybe after today I'll have to start.
I woke up looking forward to having the holiday off (not sure what the holiday is but they told me I didn't have to work and I wasn't going to argue) and to my outing with Nelly. I ate my regular breakfast and took Scooter for his morning walk. Then I packed up the car and headed to her house. She wasn't ready yet (I was an hour early, a little excited ya think?) so I walked her dog for her while she fiddled around.
We ended up sitting at her house for a while and chatting. It was getting late so we decided to eat a quick sandwich before hitting the courts.
Then we played. As I said earlier I have never been a tennis player and today was no different. Nelly beat me 8 games to 1. I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was going to be though. I even returned a few of her "ace serves" as she liked to call them. After the games we sat around and had some water and just shot the shit. (the light bulb goes off soon, keep reading)
When I got home I did some laundry, did the dishes, played catch with the dog and before I knew it, it was time for Marco to get home from work. He arrived home, grumpy as hell and went straight to bed for a nap.
I started cooking dinner and my belly was growling. "BING" I hardly ate anything today.
Well ok, so I ate breakfast and I ate a sandwich for lunch but usually by this time in the evening I would have eaten much more. On a typical day I would have had at least 2 snacks (fruit or something equally as healthy) and half of my daily veggie intake. I probably would have also had a second sandwich for lunch.
It got me thinking... maybe I'm not listening to my body enough? Maybe I'm eating because it's "time" to eat rather than taking queue from my body as to when I should be eating? Maybe at work when I'm eating my apple and pear for snack I'm not really hungry... I'm just simply bored? (although I'm rarely un-busy enough at work to be truly bored...but you know what I mean) Maybe I'm eating for a distraction?
I was so busy being busy today that I didn't think about food. It reminded me of a section in "the book" (is it really necessary for me to say it? oh alright I'll pimp his book out once again... Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions) that talked about making a list of things to do INSTEAD of munching on things to sort of break your pattern or habit and to get your mind off of food. It talks about learning the difference between hunger and boredom. He suggested you make a list of things you can do besides reaching for food and try doing one of those before actually getting a snack.
I remember writing my list. It had things on it like brushing my teeth, painting my nails, playing with the dog, writing a letter to my Aunt Marion (who still appreciates a hand written letter) and I actually did use the list for a while when I began this whole transformation but like a lot of things, once it's out of site it's also out of mind. I'm not quite sure where the list is anymore but I'm going to make it a point to make a new one. I'm also going to take this light bulb moment to try to pay more attention to what my body is actually feeling rather than eating at a certain time or for distraction.
I've heard many good things about a book called "Intuitive Eating" that I may just have to check out sometime soon.
It's funny that a little thing like a tennis match with a friend can be such an eye opening experience if you pay close enough attention. Thanks Nelly!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I have noticed that I'm adding empty calories to my diet here and there a little more often than I should be. For instance we just got this new mega-coffee machine in the office and I've had a few choco-coffees this week just because it's a new machine. I cut out these choco-coffee calories a few months back and need to get back to that habit. They add up really quick and I don't want to have to workout for an hour just to burn off choco-coffee calories! Drinking calories is something I'm going to try to stay away from.
Not the results I was hoping for this week. Blech.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Hopefully within the next week or so I'll be back to my regular pain free workouts. I look forward to it!
What do you think you're going to tell her (or him, or me, or whoever) that she doesn't already know? Chances are she knows she has a weight problem. Chances are she's probably tried every diet imaginable even if you don't realize she's dieting.
Chances are she's probably aware of the health issues she could be facing. She's probably afraid for her health herself. You'd have to be living in a cave not to know about how dangerous it is to your health to be overweight. It's on every magazine, every TV show, every radio station... she knows it. She may have even thought about having weight loss surgery. It's a thought that went through my head about half a million times.
Have you really thought about how you think she'll feel once you try talking to her about an issue that she probably feels has spun out of control? You think she'll be wide eyed and inspired? Shamed into changing her ways? Chances are she may feel attacked and defensive. If this is a multi-person intervention she may become paranoid that you guys are talking about her behind her back. Then she'll feel resentful of you for butting your nose into her life. She'll take it very personal...then again, who wouldn't?
Then after a while she'll feel bad about herself because she knows your right. She'll probably be embarrassed of herself. She'll feel weak, out of control, unable to get a grip. She'll be so sad and disappointed in herself. She'll probably say more hurtful things to herself then you can ever imagine. (she may even say these before your intervention). Things like "How can you be so fat? How can you be so disgusting?" or "God, even your _____ thinks your fat! You're sick."
She'll feel alone and helpless, isolates, even though the solution seems so simple. Then she'll eat food to comfort herself...starting a whole cycle all over again. It is a cycle, after all, as she's probably a pro-yo-yo-er.
The bottom line is there is nothing you can do to push your loved one into losing weight as it is something she has to do for herself. She's going to have to hit her own "rock bottom" before she'll really make a lasting change. Like an alcoholic until she treats her weight and eating habits as an actual problem then there isn't a whole lot you can do for her.
I personally don't know one single over weight person who has ever said "until my sister/mom/uncle/friend sat and talked to me about my weight issues I didn't realize I had a problem and that's what made me change my ways."
I know it's hard to sit and watch your family members make bad decisions that effect their health and life but you have to realize you can't control what she does. It is out of your hands.
I know a lot of people who will say "I don't care if it hurts her feelings, maybe that's what she needs... some tough love". Again, she is probably tougher on herself than any tough love you think you can dish out. You would be shocked into silence if I would share with you some of the cruel, terrible things I have told myself and thought about myself over the years. If you really don't care if you hurt her feelings then go ahead with your intervention... but don't be surprised when it's met with less than open arms (and maybe take a look at what you're getting out of this intervention).
It is very difficult to do but you have to remember that she's an adult responsible for her own actions. Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes no matter how badly it hurts you to see it happen. We all grow up and face reality in our own time. Until then the best thing you can do is be our true, non-judtmental friend.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
1) Should I take ____ to jump start my weight loss? Or will this workout jump start my weight loss? Or should I drink only water and eat green beans for a week to jump start my weight loss? Anything that includes jump starting kills me when I read it. What is this jump start that everybody is wanting to happen for them? Is it kind of like taking a few steps back to get a good run before leaping off the bridge? I always assume that people who are asking about this "jump start" are really just impatient people who are in a big hurry and want the first 10 - 15 pounds to fly off their ass in the first week.
If you're overweight and change your diet and exercise drastically for a week that really should be a jump start enough. Most doctors recommend you only lose 1 - 2 pounds a week for a healthy weight loss. I believe its those TV shows that bring you people losing 6 - 10 pounds in a week are really messing with people's heads. In real life it usually doesn't happen that way.
This brings me to the second comment that really cracks me up...
2) I started slow because I was afraid to "shock" my body too badly or will this be too much of a shock to my system? Well your body may be shocked that you're finally treating it well and making it function but really... what do you think is going to happen?
Here is the dialogue that I imagine these people are thinking their body is having:
Stomach : God I'm bored. Throw me a freaking bone here.
Liver: (yawning) I hear ya.
Kidneys: Yesterday I was so bored I knitted an entire urethra warmer. I'm working on the second one today.
Stomach: How cute.
Esophagus: (yelling) Here it comes guys!!!!!
Stomach: Finally! It's been ages since we ate last. What's it gonna be today? What...wait a minute... what's this?!?!? That's not deep fried!!!!!!!
Other organs let out an audible gasp.
Stomach: That's no gravy....What iiiiiiiissssss that?!?!? That looks like light salad dressing. SALAD DRESSING! Is that broccoli? I hate broccoli! What the hell? Emergency Emergency!!!!
Heart (over loud speaker): Alright guys, it's healthy food again... sorry to say but it's the 3rd time this has happened today. We're shuttin' her down. I repeat CODE RED we're shuttin' her down!!!!!!
Now I don't mean to poke fun at people who really do have these concerns... well ok, yeah, I guess I do mean to poke fun. These are just two things that seem to come up from time to time that always make me laugh a little.
For the record I don't think anybody should take anything to jump start their weight loss and no I don't think you need to fear that you're body (or system) is going to go into shock. Feel free to start living healthy sans worry.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
So it's really been since March that I've had a proper workout and have eaten in a healthy manner.
Again, I'm not going to lie... I was worried and a little bit scared for myself. Worried that I was going to slip back into my old ways, my old life, my old eating habits. Scared that I had lost it. For the first time in this whole journey I thought "I might not be able to do this". I actually could see failure happening. I know I had only been out of the gym for a month or so but it felt like an eternity. I had serious doubts about my ability to lose this weight.
I came home from work tonight... Wednesday... my regular "gym" night in a past life. Marco had dinner almost ready which was perfect because then I'd have time to let my food settle before heading off to work out.
I changed into my workout clothes after dinner and my dear husband innocently asked what I was doing.
"Putting my workout clothes on" I stated... obviously.
"Oh. Don't you want to stay home and be snuggly with me?" (I think I even detected a slight flutter of eyelashes but cant be sure)
Good God YES I wanted to stay home with him! I would have LOVED to sit on the couch and watch the second episode of Friends with him. It would have been so easy... so comfy...so snuggly... so absolutely opposite of what I needed to be doing!
I went to the bedroom and stepped on the scale. As I awaited my numeric destiny Marco looked over my shoulder. The number flashed and my fate was decided. My ass was going to the gym. Marco so kindly said "yeah OK you need to go to the gym."
Thanks... ass. (just kidding honey, I love ya!)
So I packed my gym bag and headed off. I didn't know what to expect from my workout really. I didn't even know if I could still do it. It really felt like it had been an eternity since I'd really moved my body.
I decided I was just going to do my cardio for today. My weights could wait. I hopped on the cross trainer and off I went. And went I did! For 45 whole minutes! Once again... I'm not going to lie... I kicked some major ASS!
Not only did I manage to make it through all 45 minutes (plus 5 minute cool down) I also made a new personal best for distance. I managed to go 7.5 kilometers (4.6 miles)! It felt awesome.
I am so glad I made myself go when it could have been oh-so-easy to stay home. I really feel like I'm back in the game now. I'm focused. I just needed that one little nudge to get the gears in motion once again. The doubt that I was feeling about my abilities has been pushed aside and I have renewed faith in myself. I can do this.
I'm soooooo doing this. I'm excited about it. I'm going to reach my goal. It's going to happen. Failing isn't an option.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
For real this time... I am BACK at the gym starting tomorrow! My body is actually aching to go so I'm curious as to how my first day back after such a long hiatus is gonna turn out. Next week should show some promising numbers though and then it's all downhill (in an upwards manner) from there.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
She has done a phenominal job at losing weight but what I love most is her progress pictures. Check them out! She's a very funy entertaining writer so if you're looking for further weight loss inspiration I highley recomend checking out her blog sometime. (this is only after you have read my blog, of course! :o))
Since posting I have discovered how to add links to other's blogs. It wasn't as hard as I was imagining! See, I CAN be taught! Now I just need to learn how to get that slideshow to show up on the side....
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Since visitors weren't allowed in the morning he spent most the day hanging out worrying his head off all alone in his room. I spent the same time hanging out worrying my head off all alone in my house. Finally at 1:30 I said screw it and went to the hospital anyway. I was just going to play "dumb American" and act like I didn't know the visiting hours hadn't started but ended up it wasn't necessary. They actually said that I could have been there all along since Marco was in a room by himself. THAT would have been nice to know! They let me walk him down to OR and give him a big fat wet kiss before he went in. I felt so much better just being able to see him and tell him I loved him to his face.
The surgery lasted about 2.5 hours but he came out of it like a champ. Being the pillar of strength that I am, I almost fainted in the recovery room. I have no idea what happened to be honest. I was standing there by his bed so happy to see him. He looked really good and was very alert. They were just getting ready to take him up to his room as a matter of fact. His parents were standing on the other side of the bed. We had only been there about 2 minutes when all of the sudden I felt really dizzy. I thought to myself "oh my God I'm going to faint". I do this every once in a while when I have something "done" to me, like at the doctors office, so I know what it feels like. I subtly started doing some deep breathing to try to calm myself down and to try to make the dizziness go away but my body wasn't having it. I then started seeing spots. I thought "fucking hell, I really am going to faint". I quickly went to the nearest chair and put my head between my legs. As soon as I rested my head on my hands I just started uncontrollably bawling and my face and body turned super hot. Of course the whole freaking staff rushed over to me, got me a cold rag, gave me some water. Marco's mom was patting my back. For Pete's sake, who just had surgery here?!?!?!? I guess I was just holding everything in for the past 2 days and when I saw Marco out of surgery and that he was doing well it all hit me like a ton of bricks and brought me down. Within a few minutes of bawling like a baby I was fine. I felt like an ass, but I was fine.
Back to Marco.
Due to sheer slowness we didn't get to talk to the doctor until this morning and actually even then we didn't get to talk to him just via a relay message.
Seems like the surgery surprised everybody because once they opened him up they realized that it ISN'T CANCER or even a tumor!!!!! Well they're 95% sure it's not cancer but they still have to run all of the tests to be 100% certain but they were very confidant in telling us they we shouldn't be worried. He also got to keep his testicle (not in a jar, in his body), the only took the mass out so that's wonderful news too. They said that it was just a mass of dead skin that showed up on the sonogram but without the surgery they never would have known. We will get the final results in about a week and a half I think. Right now we're extremely happy that he's home and recovering well.
The news is awesome but a little bitter sweet. We're THRILLED that he is well but in the same breath we believe this will make us ineligible for the TESE trials for our infertility. We will call Monday to see what they say for certain though. For now I have to be content knowing I have a healthy hubby passed out in bed wearing extremely cute hospital mesh undies.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
As I've mentioned in my blog before we've been hopeful that our infertility would be taking a turn for the better at the beginning of this year. We've been trying to get into the clinical study for the TESE to help us deal with our infertility. Well part of the process was Marco having an ultrasound of his "man parts" to make sure there was no blockage causing any problems.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) they discovered a spot on one of his testicles that caused them worry during the procedure. They immediately called in a urologist in who looked further. They believe he has a tumor in his testicle. This tumor could or could not be cancerous, the surgery will let us know. They said they may have to take his entire testicle and will also do a biopsy of the other one while there. Hopefully they will not have to take both.
He will go to the hospital tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and to be checked in (they check you in the day before here for some reason). He is on the emergency list so he will be done as a priority on Friday, probably in the afternoon.
I consider this to be a very urgent surgery as when his dad was discovered to have lung cancer he had to wait over a month to get into surgery to have the cancer removed. This 3 days wait is nothing.
I'm scared to death. Marco seems to be ok.
Right now though I just want to get through the next two days and see where we go from there. Please say some prayers for us.