Thursday, June 28, 2007

Keep us in your thoughts please

Marco is having the TESE procedure done tomorrow so please keep your fingers, eyes, toes, arms, legs... everything crossed for us. I don't know when I'll have a chance to post again, maybe not until next week possibly Tuesday. Thanks for your positive thoughts and prayers.
Just a quick update to let you all know Marco is out of surgery and doing fine. We're at home already. Sucky part is we won't have any news until Tuesday. I have no idea why we won't know until Tuesday as they have to have the results within hours but alas, that's the way it is. I'm much calmer now but when we left the hospital I was seething mad, frustrated and just plain old pissed. Granted it's only 4 more days but when you're waiting for life altering test results it seems like a lifetime. Thanks for your positive thoughts and well wishes. We really appreciate it.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I'm so pissed off. I don't even want to blog about it. I gained 0.8 pounds this week (.4 kilos). Yeah, it's nothing but for *!^&@#% sakes. I worked my ass off this week and did excellent with my food. WTF? I was really honestly 100% expecting my weight to be back below my pre-vacation weight. I actually yelled out loud at the scale this morning "WHAT"?!?!?!. What a bunch of crap.

(of course I'm just going to keep going and all the bullshit I'm just super pissed right now)

Just a little update. Wednesday Auntie Flo knocked on the door which would explain the small gain on Tuesday. Blech. I still don't like it but I should have seen her coming.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I'm it.

Not as in the shiznit "it" but I'm "it". I've been tagged by Ms. Jane Bingler world renowned blogger and fellow North American (Canadian)-turned-cloggie. I was never a very fast runner and base always seemed to escape me.

I actually really liked this tag (so I didn't pretend that I didn't see it) and enjoyed reading her answers. Even moreso I enjoy the fact that I can blog and not have to think up something all on my own!

If I've tagged you (see bottom of this post) please remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:
Always a Work in Progress!
Mummy Musings
Musings from the Boob Juice Factory
See Jayne Blog
Weighing in with my .02

What were you doing 10 years ago? In 1997 I believe (and my memory is a little fuzzy, more then likely due to heavy drinking) I was working either as doing drug testing for a company out of Kansas (I was a pee collector, literally... men peed in a cup and handed it to me... it paid well. obviously.) or I was working as an "inventory specialist" which meant I was crawling around Wal-Mart with a big calculator strapped around my waist punching in numbers like Queen Nerd of Nerdville. Either way I had either just been dumped or should be getting ready to be dumped. I was desperate to make money to pay off my Ford Probe that I just HAD to buy brand new when I was 17 (almost 18) which was crapping out on me and not worth near the amount I still owed on it. I was accruing large amounts of credit card debt out and oblivious to the financial road of hell that I was paving for myself. Boy was I smart!

What were you doing 1 year ago? I was in the USA having an awesome, super, wonderful, hot vacation in the midwest! I had just helped my niece Kamryn celebrate her 6th birthday. Marco and I went to his first ever Cardinals baseball game with my brother and his (now) wife Jill. I believe we took Kamryn and her big sister Ryleigh to a water park where Ryleigh swears I almost let her drown. Kids... they can be sooooo dramatic. She was barely under for a minute before I grabbed her. Geesh!

Five Snacks You Enjoy
1.) Is chocolate a snack or a meal? I get that confused sometimes.
2.) frozen seedless grapes (the best snack ever! Highly recommend them)
3.) ice cream, pretty much any flavor
4.) these cocoa powdered truffles that this one specific bakery in the city makes. to.die.for.
5.) fruit in general, I like it all and since I am trying to lose weight it's a good snack for me.

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To
1.) "Stay" by Lisa Loeb
2.) "Me and Julio Down by the School Yard" Simon and Garfunkel
3.) "Fancy" Reba McIntyre (sorry if I butchered her name)
4.) "Parent's Just Don't Understand" Dj Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
5.) "Things that Make you go HMMMM" C&C Music Factory

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire (I'm assuming by millionaire we mean multi-millions)
1.) Buy a home here in Amsterdam and one in Illinois
2.) quit my job and start writing a book and finding a publisher
3.) share with our families
4.) I want to set up a college scholarship and call it the "Joe Average" scholarship. It would be for kids who aren't necessarily in the top ten of their class but still did well and have potential. It would be for kids who parents aren't well off enough to pay for their schooling but yet aren't poor enough to receiving funds. I want to help those kids who are somewhere stuck in the middle, like I was.
5.) Set up a foundation to help infertile couples whose insurance won't cover fertility medications but still deserve to be parents.

Five Bad Habits
1.) My dirty rotten %$!##@$ language. I clean it up for my blog for the most part but the F-bomb is one of my favorite and frequently used words. It's so classy isn't it?
2.) Biting my nails (and leaving little nail presents for Marco to find later)
3.) Knowing when to give advice and when to just listen. I often times say immediately what is on my mind before thinking of the aftermath.
4.) Waiting for things in life to "slow down" before getting on with things I really want to do, like write a book or two. Life just never slows down!
5.) Not putting enough time or energy into my Dutch language. I'm pretty lazy with it.

Five Things You Like To Do
1.) Write! In my blog, some poems, some trash, some rants, on message boards... I just like to write and hear myself "speak". I'm conceited like that.
2.) Hang out with Marco and Scooter, just the three of us playing ball and day dream about what we really want to be doing.
3.) Spending time with Alexandra, Theodore and ZC's in Hoorn. They are totally fun people, easy to be around and just a great time no matter what we're doing.
4.) playing BINGO with Keith and Josh. Actually pretty much doing anything with Keith and Josh and TJ. Like the above mentioned crew, we can have fun doing absolutely nothing.
5.) Shopping, especially with my mom (and Marco) (well and Liz too) (oh and with Keith and Josh) (oh and alone) (oh and online shopping is fun) (oh and with my sister and her kids). I likes me some shoppin!

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again
1.) Mall bangs
2.) Purple shorts with a purple shirt making me look like Grape Ape. (actually any one solid color making me look like I have on a onsie)
3.) Braids in my hair. I just can't pull them off
4.) Shoes that make my feet hurt (HAHA yeah right! I'd have to walk are barefoot for the rest of my life).
5.) Blue eyeshadow and banana clips, nuff said.

Five Favorite Toys
1.) my computer
2.) play-do is still the ultimate toy ever! Love it!
3.) Etch-a-sketch
4.) my jelly belly baby doll
5.) ***BEEP*** this answer has been removed due to racy hot loving spicy adult content. We're sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. ***BEEP***

I am tagging:
1) CCC less of me (she'll have some interesting answers, don't miss it!)
2) A Girl Worth Losing (even though I don't think she answered my last tag I'm sure she'll answer this one)(I love guilt trips!)
3) Keith and Josh at
(ok so they don't have a blog but God can you start one already?)
4)Ellen at (she pimps out my blog so I should return the favor, no? Plus she's a great read!)
5)Kimberly at (I've not tagged her before so I'm interested to hear what she has to say!)

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Whew! What possessed me?

I had a hot date last night with Marco, George, Brad, Matt and a few other funny characters so I missed my Friday workout. The date went well. We talked, we laughed, we snacked, we drank. I came home with Marco of course but I really hope to meet up with the other guys again sometime soon... I'm all for Ocean's 14. Who's with me?

Since my weight really hasn't changed much since end of March and I just can't stand to post anymore weigh-in's with the same stinkin numbers I wanted to make up for my missed work out. Plus I got some new workout shoes and I was eager to try them out!

Marco had to work so I went to the gym alone. There was about 11 people there so I pretty much had the place to myself. I don't know why it happens this way but I always tend to push myself harder when I'm at the gym by myself.

I lifted my weights. They were heavy and I'm sure I'll be paying for it tomorrow but it felt great while I was doing it. I think I may have embarrassed one poor guy as I had to ask him if he was done using the ten kilo weights so I could do the exact same exercise he was doing. Let's face it... no man wants to see a woman (no matter how un-small I am) lifting the same weights he is using. I ended up finding another set of the same weight so he didn't have to give me his but out of the corner of my eye I saw him grab a heavier set to finish out his reps. What an ego.

I was already pretty sweaty by time I finished all my sets and began the cardio. I was feeling really good.

As usual with new shoes... my feet were on fire. I have super wide feet (not W for wide, not WW for double wide, but E for eek! those are some big ole feet) so until new shoes get stretched out some I get to hobble around with half numb, squashed, burning tootsies.

The elliptical machine also has the tendency to set my feet on fire so it was double trouble today. I unlaced my shoes to let the blood circulate and hopped on. I knew I was only going to be able to do 20 minutes before my feet were really killing me so I set my intensity higher to make sure those 20 minutes counted.

After finishing my 20 minutes there, I started the treadmill. Since I try to do 30-40 minutes of cardio with each workout I still had some time to make up. I set it for 20 minutes to make my workout 40 minutes in total. I walk at a face pace and a steep incline to make sure my heart rate stays nice and high.

I don't know if it was the songs on my Ipod or the thoughts in my head, maybe a combination of the two, but something made those 20 minutes fly by like nothing. I was sweating profusely but I felt great. I decided to keep on going so I added another five minutes to my time as Justin Timberlake kept me company.

Those 5 minutes stretched into another 5 and then another 5 and then another 5. I was unstoppable! I don't know where I was getting this energy from but I figured if I had it I may as well use it.

I ended up stretching my 30-40 minute cardio session into a full hour just because I wanted to and it felt awesome. That NEVER happens! I never want to do cardio LONGER. In fact I have to make dirty deals with myself just to make myself do 30 minutes most the time. Not only was I working out longer but I found myself actually smiling. There I was purple faced, sweat dripping off every surface of my body, panting with a stupid grin plastered on my face. What a goofball!

It gets worse (or better) I actually danced off of the treadmill with my head bobbin to go get a towel to wipe the equipment off. I had an actual skip in my step. Who was this woman?

I don't know why today's workout felt so good. I don't know why I magically wanted to keep on keepin on. I have not one single clue as to why today felt as good as it did but it did feel really good.

I'm going to go back tomorrow for my usual Sunday workout. I hope the magic workout fairies join me once again.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

More Random Ramblings

Not much new to report and nothing going on that would be interesting enough to write an entire blog about so I thought I'd just write some more little snippets of what goes on in my daily and weekly weight loss life and little thoughts that run through my mind.

- I'd been slacking off on my Wednesday workouts probably for about the last 4 weeks. I've just been too tired and unmotivated by time Wednesday evening rolls around that I just skip it. Usually I don't have the time to make it up later in the week either. But this week I didn't have class on Tuesday so I had that evening off which made me pumped and ready to go on Wednesday night.

- I find that when my partner in crime at work is watching what she eats, I find it easier to watch what I eat and say no to afternoon chocolates. (Thanks Alexandra!)

-Concerning the post I made a week or two back about the "serene" feeling I was having about my weight loss, it is still with me. It's the longest I think I've ever felt sure, confident and in control without having a huge binge fest causing me to feel guilty or a mental freak out. It's nice.

- My feet have been going numb like crazy on the elliptical machine lately. (I believe I need new shoes) It's so bad that I can only do it for 15 to 20 minute increments. That doesn't make me stop though and actually it's caused me to workout longer on some nights. I just switch to the treadmill, get the feeling back in my feet and walk fast at a steep incline. I actually like this better than doing one machine for my entire cardio workout.

- I get a kick out of lifting heavy weights. It makes me feel empowered and is a great stress reliever.

- I have only recently understood that people who watch themselves in the mirrors constantly while lifting aren't necessarily narcissistic. It's really kind of neat to watch your muscles at work and when you can really see a difference from when you started it becomes a bit addictive. Does it mean I am totally enthralled with myself or conceited? Maybe, but did you see my arms? Bad ass.

- I'm dying to go to another spin class. I've only been to one and it kicked my ass. I'm ready to try it again.

- Changing the music on my Ipod made a HUGE difference in my workout. I didn't realize how bored I was with the songs I had put on there originally.

- Since I've started this whole experience I have noticed one unpleasantry that I can't seem to get rid of. Excess gas. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about flatulence. At first I assumed it was the increase in fiber and would taper off. One year later it's still going strong. I've recently asked if I was the only crazy one tooting uncontrollably on one of my message boards and found a slew of people who were having the same gassy experience! They were all too ebarrassed to ask so leave it to me! Glad to know I'm not alone though. I've been advised that papaya extract can be helpful. I'm going to try it out next time I'm near the vitamin section. I know you all will be on the edge of your seats waiting to know how my gas is going, so I'll keep you posted.

- Having my 75 pound shoe goal has really motivated me more than I thought it would. I'm very excited about popping into the sketchers store and ordering up one of everything size 10 please!

- Marco and I have been talking about our *hopefully* future kids and what we will and won't want for them. We seem to be on the same page with food and eating habits and this is a great relief to me. I do worry quite a bit about not passing on my food obsessions and unealthy relationship with food down the line. I also don't want to be one of those over protective mother's who want to keep their kids in a bubble. I think there is a fine line. I'm hope I'm able to walk it.

- I've been fighting off an on-again-off-again craving for root beer floats. I have no idea what made me crave them but I'm fairly certain the craving is going to win one of these days. I just have to buy the root beer (which is hard to find in the Netherlands) and ice cream and have at it.

So there ya have it, my random ramblings!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Nothing exciting to report for today's weigh-in

I've pretty much stayed the same this week with my weight. To be extremely specific I lost 0.1 kilos or 0.22 pounds since last Tuesday. After this weekend's Food Fest with my great Greek friends Alexandra and Theodore, eating fabulous meals and skipping my Sunday workout, I'm actually surprised to see that the scale didn't move in quite the opposite way. We did spend a lot of time wandering around the beautiful little city of Hoorn so maybe that accounted for something. Oh and bowling counts as exercise doesn't it? I mean I did have to get up and toss the ball down the lane quite a few times in the two hours we played. Oh and laughing burns calories doesn't it? We laughed a lot, mostly at Alexandra's bowling skills (or lack thereof).

Alright, so maybe there is no rhyme or reason as to this whole weight loss game. I do dare to say that I'm feeling pretty positive about next weeks weigh-in though. Since I didn't gain this week it means I could possibly push myself over the 66 pound threshold once again. I don't have class tonight so I'll be able to get in all three of my regular workouts with no problem this week. Let's hope my intuition is right!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Been feeling like a bit of a hypocrite (infertility related)

I belong to several message boards that are focused on infertility. It's a funny difference between woman and men isn't it? When I found out we were infertile I raced to the Internet to find information, to read everything, to find people who could relate and I reached out. I don't think Marco would even begin to know who to talk to about his "feelings" online. Mars and Venus.

Throughout the years we've been struggling I've read many posts from other infertile couples talking about their hurt feelings when a loved one just doesn't say the right thing. I've read furious posts from women who have been told to "just relax" one too many times. Time and time I again I would try to comfort my "friend" and let them know that somebody who hasn't struggled through infertility just really can't relate sometimes.

But the hurt feelings kept happening. I even had them happen to me at times. Over and over I would read the same things. So I decided to make a list. A list of things you should never ever in your craziest wildest dreams ever think of saying to an infertile couple. I took all of the hurtful comments that I had been reading over and over again and put them in a list. I shared it with my friends and they loved it. It spoke to them. It said what they've always wanted to say but never could. They all had their input, their little extra do's and don'ts. They all tweaked my language to fit their true feelings and emotional needs.

I often times encourage these "friends" to copy and paste the list and send it to the person who has hurt them. (This is where the hypocrisy comes in to play.) I encourage others to share the list in order to spare themselves some hurt feelings because sometimes people just really don't know what to say so they say the first thing on their minds. Lots of times people shy away from sharing "the list" because they don't want to cause waves. They don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. They just don't feel like getting into it.

So I have encouraged countless numbers of people to try to share a little bit of what it's like to deal with infertility, how your words can really hurt but I haven't had balls enough to put it on my blog. Part of the reason was because we weren't openly talking about our struggles until this year. But the other part was just knowing that I could potentially make somebody who really truly loves me and TRIED to say the right thing feel bad. But on the flip side, maybe somebody could read it and take somthing away from it? Maybe somebody will stumble upon my blog and think "hey my ___ is dealing with infertility and I don't know how to help or what to say."

So after encouraging another person to stand up from themselves yet again today I believe it's time for me to put on my brave pants and post what I've encouraged so many other women to post in the past.

****disclaimer: This list is not things people have said to me directly (although many of the things have been said to me in one way or another) although it is written in my voice. It is a compilation of common things infertile couples hear. This post is NOT directed at any one person specifically******

So here it goes:

5 Things NOT to Say to Infertile Couples (and some better alternative suggestions in italics)

Firstly, please don’t mis-interpret the meaning of this writing. It isn't to yell at you if you have said any of these things in the past or verbally spank you. It isn't to make you feel bad for having said the wrong thing before. It isn't because infertile couples are pissed at the world. The point of my writing this is to give you, your friends, your loved ones a little insight on how your words may actually come out, although they are said with the greatest of intentions.

Most of the things below have been said to me and other infertile couples by people who absolutely love us, by people who wish nothing but goodness for us, by friends and relatives who care for us deeply. Do I think people say these things out of malice? Absolutely not. I think people have pure hearts when they give the advice they give below, but no matter how good your intentions, sometimes it's just not the right thing to say.

So please read this knowing that I am writing this not to make you feel bad but in order to spare another infertile person from having their feelings stepped on. I am writing this in order to help you understand how painful infertility is and how you can help ease that pain if even just a little bit. I am writing to spread the word. Please do the same. Copy this, hand it out, send it to others, send it in an e mail, put it on a bumper sticker. In this day and age we all know or will know somebody who will have fertility issues.

1) "Just relax and it will happen." or "Maybe you're trying to hard." or "Maybe you guys should just get drunk and take a vacation, that's how it happened for ______." Those statements sting, aren’t always true and are very hurtful when you are honestly infertile (explained or unexplained). Telling a couple to relax places blame on the couple, as if it is their fault for not getting pregnant. (if you weren't so worried you'd get pregnant). It also minimizes the couples concerns/fears and feels like you're blowing their fears of never having a child off. (quit your crying, it will happen. RELAX!) Basically that statement says to me “Geesh infertile friend, if you didn’t WANT a baby so badly you surely would have one by now.”

Don't tell the story of the one couple who adopted and then got pregnant right after. This is another version of the "relax" comment. You have to realize that that is NOT the norm. You hear about it because it's unusual. It's like telling somebody out of work not to look for a job because they could win the lottery.

No amount of relaxing would have gotten me or the millions of other couples who suffer with fertility issues pregnant. Infertility is (often times) a health issue that requires action. You don't relax to get rid of pneumonia and you don't relax to deal with infertility.

A more appropriate response would be something like, "Wow that's really awful you're having such a hard time." or "I hope things turn around for you quickly." or even just "Geesh (insert infertile friends name) that really sucks, you guys don't deserve that at all."

2) Be careful how you bring God into it no matter how harmless you think your statement is or how strong your faith in God is or how much you absolutely believe in what you’re saying. Try not to say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan, you have to be patient" or "God never gives you more than you can handle."

Although you really do have GREAT intentions and are trying to justify or make sense of something that doesn’t make sense, these statements are hurtful and frustrating. When somebody says to me that "everything happens for a reason" I think “what the heck did I do to deserve this then?" or "Why does God give a 13 year old a baby but not me?" or "Why does that crack head have a child but we can’t have one?” It doesn't help me have peace, which is what I think the intention is... it's like saying "oh well" and shrugging your shoulders.

Also keep in mind that not everybody is on the same page with God as you are. Believe it or not, fertility issues can even shake a person’s faith. Unless you know the person has the same faith as you (goes to your church perhaps) these statements should be avoided.

If you do have a strong faith in God then that is truly wonderful. I don’t know anybody (and I have asked around) who is offended by a person offering to pray for them.

Alternatives to the abovementioned could be something like "I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I will pray for you." or "That must be so hard to go through, I will pray for strength for you and your husband." or "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers." I loved when one person said to me “I will pray for strength, peace and healing for you and your husband. I will also pray for your doctors.” Basically pray for me, say prayers, offer prayers, but never try to predict what God is planning for me.

3) Be encouraging without direct comparisons to other infertile couples. I have had numerous people say things like "yeah my cousin had problems too, they gave her clomid and she was pregnant 3 cycles later. It'll happen for you." Well since I am ovulating just fine I don't think clomid will do anything at all. Another helpful soul said "hey look at so and so, it took them 4 years and then all the sudden BAM they were pregnant!" Four years and BAM? I don't want to wait 4 years to have a child, did you when you were having a kid? Four years equals about 55 cycles. If I went on 55 jobs interviews and didn't get one offer people would be more sympathetic and encouraging then they are then I try having a child for 55 cycles and failing. That's just a lot of failing.

Another extremely hurtful comment is "well if you can't there are always other alternatives" Yes, there are, but I just shared with you that we're having difficulties, I can't even wrap my head THAT sometimes let alone thinking about other alternatives right now. And let’s not forget the fact that we’d like to have our own biological child if at all possible. I want to see my own eyes looking back at me, smiling my husbands crooked smile.

Have you ever looked into adoption? It's not like you can just get in a line and order up one small child with a side of happiness. It's extremely costly, emotionally draining and sometimes doesn't even end in a child being placed in your arms. Please don't make the alternatives sound like easy peasey second nature. They are very tough emotional decisions.

Some alternatives to these phrases would be "That's really terrible news but I hear they’re making leaps and bounds in medicine these days, hopefully there is something out there that can help you guys." or "I'm sorry to hear, I know how badly you want to be parents. I'll be here to listen any time you need to talk." Anything that encourages without direct comparison to other couples is great.

4) Please do not tell me I should be thankful for what I have and to count my blessings. Just because I am telling you I am infertile does not mean I am not thankful for what I have. To say such a thing is insulting.

When you hear your best friends dad has cancer do you say "oh that's too bad, but look at how much other stuff you have?" No, of course not, so don't do it to somebody who just found out her lifelong dream of becoming a mother may not ever happen for her. And yes, some people do dream of being a parent all of their life, both men and women.

Alternatives to these types of statements are simple things like "I'm sorry, I know there isn't anything I can do, but just know I am here." Or “You’re good people, hopefully good things will come.”

5) Do not say you know how I feel if you have not had fertility issues yourself, because honestly, you don't know how I feel. And REALLY don't say that if you already have kids.

I used to think I could really sympathize with women who couldn't have kids. I honestly thought I could feel a little bit of what they were going through. I could IMAGINE how hard it would be to deal with that... then I actually lived it.

I will tell you it was NOTHING like I thought it would feel like. It was not at all what I imagined those other couples to be feeling. It was worse. It is indescribable and unimaginable. I had NO IDEA what it felt like until I heard those words from the doctor. As heartfelt as I thought I was being before, living through it made me realize how little I actually could relate in the past.

Alternatives are things like “God I can’t imagine how that must feel. That's really bad news.” Or “I know I could never understand how that must feel for you guys, but I am very sorry.” Even “my heart is breaking for you guys” is a nice alternative if that is how you really do feel.

I don't mean you have to walk on eggshells with me or other infertile couples, really don't. But please think before you say anything and if you are even in doubt a simple "I'm so sorry (insert infertile's name)" is so much better and often times much more welcome.

There. I am no longer a hypocrite.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Alli-oop! (or more like alli-poop!)

I'm a bit out of the loop of the happenings in the drug world in the US of A. Let me clarify that by saying once I was very IN the loop of the drug world. In a past pre-European life, I was a pharmacy technician at... you guessed it... Walgreens! (is there any other pharmacy?) Yes, I was a pharmacy technician for 5 years, doing 4 years of time at Wags on Mac in Springfield (hi Teena!) and 1 year of time at Wags on Van in Edwardsville.

But even being as far out of the loop as I am I still didn't miss the news of "Alli" coming out as an over-the-counter (doesn't require a prescription) diet pill. I've read different release dates from different sources but the fact of the matter is that it's coming... full speed ahead.

I actually remember when "Alli" came out as a prescription drug. Under the brand name of Xenical (generic name: Orlistat) it's release into the drug world went fairly well. At least for the first month. It wasn't very long before I had patients coming into the pharmacy advising me to please tell the next patient who gets the prescription filled to make a stop in aisle 8 and grab a bag of Depends.

Apparently a common and fun side effect of "Alli" is a case of the squirts. To quote Wikipedia one of Alli's side effects is:

"Because orlistat's main effect is to prevent dietary fat from being absorbed the fat is excreted unchanged in the feces and so the stool may become oily or loose (steatorrhea). Increased flatulence is also common. Bowel movements may become frequent or urgent, and rare occurrences of fecal incontinence have been seen in clinical trials."

Now doesn't THAT sound like a fun time? Just show me where I can sign up!

It wasn't just one patient who would come in to advise of their "Alli-poops"... it was multiple patients talking about their bowels. One woman advised me that she was carrying around a spare pair of pants with her at all times in case she ate a meal that was fattier than she had thought. I knew more about the feces of my patients than I ever wanted to, really.

So what is the appeal of this diet drug? Well it actually does what it claims to do. It doesn't allow your body to absorb a portion of your fat intake, therefore lessening your over all calories for the day. This is to be used in conjunction with a low-fat reduced calorie diet. HMMM....

If I could stick to a low-fat, reduced calorie diet then I wouldn't necessarily need the poopy-pill would I? I mean reducing fat and calories is what losing weight is all about, isn't it? So how are they actually proving that this pill is aiding in the weight loss and it's not just the efforts of the poor sucker who's running around with an over sized diaper on, hoping that the crackling sound from the plastic panties isn't noticeable.

Maybe the pill is supposed to be a deterrent from fatty foods? I mean, it would work that way for me. I pop a pill in the morning and all day long just knowing that if I eat something greasy I could have an oil leak would be enough for me to say "pass the carrot sticks". Who would dare eat greasy food knowing that this could possibly happen to them?

I'll tell you who... tons of people who are desperate to lose weight, are uneducated about the possible side effects and who don't read the fine print. Or better yet, they read the fine print but don't think it will happen to them. Have you ever read the possible side effects on a bottle of anything that you're prescribed? The list is always about a mile long and they're all pretty grim possibilities.

The fact is that no matter how gross and disturbing the side effects may be there are going to be people in line waiting for this Alli to be put on the shelf. I'm grabbing my popcorn and sitting back to watch the "coming out" party. This is gonna be better than Ellens!

(I know some of my readers are out of Oz. I'm interested in hearing your take on this pill.)

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I lost 1.3 pounds this week bringing my grand total once AGAIN to 62.04 pounds lost. I’m happy that it’s a loss but I’m STILL not where I was before I left for vacation back in April. I’m tired of writing the same stinking numbers in my blog every week. I’m really to say “I’m 67 pounds in the negative” which would be a first for me. I’ve proclaimed “I’m 66 pounds down” before but never anything higher. Even better than that I’d like to write “I’ve hit the big 7-0” or “I’ve earned my 75 pound shoes!” (not shoes that weigh 75 pounds, that would be incredibly ridiculous, but shoes are my reward for my 75 pound mark). This yo-yo weight is really driving me batty. It no fault of anybody but me, I know this.

I’m still feeling pretty good about my food intake. There was a mix up at the gym and I didn’t get my new routine like I thought I was going to but that will be coming up in the next couple of weeks. I just gotta keep plugging along, a pound at a time.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The After Life; Before Death

Don't let the title fool you. This post will have very little to do with spirituality, heaven, hell, purgatory or what really goes on after you take your last breath and feel the last thump of your heart. I'm talking about Life After Fat.

I think anybody who has weight to lose, especially significant amounts of weight, has a few ideas in their heads as to what life will be like after the weight is gone. You're going to be more confidant. You're going to be healthy. You're going to join in more team activities. You're not going to feel bad about yourself anymore. You're going to email your evil ex-boyfriend a picture of your new smoking bod. I think everybody has a little check list in their heads and we're all extremely eager to tick those boxes off one by one.

I went back and re-read my very first post from July 2006 "My Confessions" and was thinking about in the beginning what I was really looking forward to during this whole life changing experience. Some of the things I had hoped for have already come true which is actually really exciting. Sometimes I get so caught up in the "what's next" that I can easily forget about what I've already accomplished. Here's what my "Life After Fat" has done for me thusfar.

I can take a flight of stairs without feeling like I'm going to pass out. In fact I climb up 3 flights of them every day at work 2 or 3 times even though there is an elevator at my disposal. Way to go me!

My acid reflux isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I have cut my dose in half, only taking it once a day now. I hope by the time I reach my goal I can cut it out all together.

My ankles are no longer "cankles". I no longer have the permanent swelling in my toes that make them look like snausages (those little puppy dog treats that looks like miniature sausages. Liz, quit laughing) There's actually space between each of my little piggies. My ankles are no longer so puffy by the end of the day that they spill over the sides of my shoes. My feet no longer look like they're going to explode out of my shoes at any given minute. I still have swelling when the weather gets really hot but even some un-fat people have that problem so maybe it's something I'll always have to deal with on some level.

I have sat in airplane seats, in theatre seats, in restaurant booths and chairs and I actually fit. This may seem like nothing much but it takes a huge load off of my mind. I no longer have to be nervous before I board the plane. No flight attendant will ever embarrass me again by talking a little too loudly about the seat belt extender that I need. Occasionally I'll still get a little sweaty palms when I see the size of the chairs or booths we're about to sit in in public but I fit in just about every single public space available now. Whew.

Just those things there make me pretty proud of what I've done so far. "Life After Fat" is pretty ok. I still have a lot of work to do though and still have a lot of things I'd like to accomplish.

I still have to shop in the big girls stores. This still sucks in Europe. Big girl fashion is still hideous, still outdated, still riddled with elastic waistbands and still made for your elderly Aunt Marge who enjoys loud flowery prints and has a touch of colorblindness.

I'd like to tuck a shirt in and not feel totally self conscious about it. I have never tucked a shirt into my pants and walked out of the house that way in my entire life. Ever. I will not do it until my belly is much smaller. This, I believe, is going to be just as much a mental thing as it is a physical thing for me but that's an entirley different post.

My very last confession in that first post of mine was that I just wanted to see what I look like underneath all of this. That confession still rings true for me today. I've enjoyed several new found body parts over the past (almost) year, my collar bones, my wrist knobs, my cute little protruding patellas but I still have quite a few bits of me that I want to get to know. These parts, amongst others, include my hip bones, my triceps and my Achilles tendon. There is just something about the Achilles tendon that I think makes a leg look good. I look forward to really seeing mine standing out there all pretty and pronounced.

I don't think my After Life is going to be perfect. I'm still me underneath it all but just from the little things I've had happen so far I still look forward to Life After Fat.

I've been nominated!

I would like to thank Livy for nominating me for a bloggers award. I'm amazed that I can think for myself sometimes let alone be responsible for making somebody else use their noodle so it really made me smile to know I have written something that made you think.

Apparently there are rules to being "nominated" and they are as follows:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think. Well I'm following this rule now but there is one small problemo... I don't know how to actually link to any blogs. That's one reason why I never have those really nice clickable links in my texts. Just because I write a blog doesn't mean I actually know what I'm doing!

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme. And again... not quite sure how this all works but I know just about everybody in the world can copy and paste, so if this link above doesn't work for you just do that instead. And what's a meme?

So those are the two rules and I think I've done my best to follow them. Now all that is left is to nominate the 5 people who have inspired me to think... Obviously Livy is one but I'm sure I'm not allowed to nominate her back otherwise this game would go on forever... so here are my nominees in no certain order...

1. A Girl Worth Losing
2. Amy (A Somewhat Ordinary Life)
3. CCC (although she was tagged by Livy so I feel kind of bad for re-tagging but I gotta!)
4. Maurey (gettin' it wrong)
5. Ellen (Sunset Roses who was also tagged already I believe but I do love her blog)

So there you go!

2. Carlton3. Cath4. CCC5. Sunset roses.All of these people have made me think over the last few weeks. So, I have to say thankyou all, you have filled my life with some great inspiration!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Totally kind of out there post.

I have an eerie serenity about my approach to food this week. Not calm in the way that I’m eating everything in site and not worrying about my consequences but calm in that I’m making wise choices and not struggling with it. This calmness is like the tides. It comes and goes, ever changing with the day.

I wonder what it is that makes some weeks flow much smoother than others. I’m the same me. It’s the same tempting food. I have the same goal week in and week out so why not have this composure all the time? It would really make life so much easier.
Ahhhhh… Life. I guess that’s what makes some days seem stormier than others. Life. Some days you’re flying high, confidence of a bull (I assume bulls have a lot of confidence since nobody really messes with them, well except those Spanish bullfighters but I’m fairly certain they’re nuts), ready to face the world. You know you can do it. You know what needs to be done and it’s no problem. Your decisions and choices to eat and exercise are easy. It comes natural.

But then Life happens. You’re rushed for time. You have a test to study for. You’re under pressure at work. You have a cold. You’re tired. You’re feelings are hurt. You’re mad at the world. You missed your bus. Your hamster died. Life throws you curveballs.

But what does all of this “life” have to do with my daily intake of food? For me, a food-a-holic, food and life’s stresses used to go hand in hand. Bad day, eat it away! Under stress? Sooth it with a huge calorific meal! But the honest truth is that food has nothing to do with any of this. If the problem isn’t hunger then the solution isn’t food. (I wish I were the brilliant one who thought of that but I read it somewhere, not sure where, great quote though).

Apparently life this week isn’t bothering me nearly as badly as it has the past month or so. I don’t know why. I have the same job, house, dog, problems, issues, class, bills, obsessions, aversions… I’m the same old me but this week I feel totally in control. I hope the feeling lasts.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

No shocking news here. As predicted I had a gain this week. It was only 0.8 pounds (0.3 kilos) which wasn't nearly as bad as I was imagining but still a move in the wrong direction.

I missed (skipped is a better word I think) the gym on Wednesday and Friday I still managed to go for a bike ride on Friday and Saturday. We did get to the gym on Sunday so I didn't totally slack off in my exercise.

As confessed in my prior post I had a horrible eating week from Tuesday to Friday but after posting I cleaned things up a bit to take me through the weekend.

My period is on it's way out (thank God) so next week I don't have that to hide behind. Although my exercise has been less than consistant in the last few weeks I know that it's my food intake that's kicking my butt.

It's times like these that I wish I didn't have to think about food. I wish I had a magic food fairy that would wake me up with a nice balanced breakfast, set me up with a lovely healthy lunch at work and then have a tasty dinner sitting at the table when I arrived home from work. She would pack me healthy snacks and act as my blinder throughout the day when the ugly unhealthy snack monsters reared their heads tempting me with their sugary goodness.

I just wish it weren't up to me to make all these darned decisions.

But alas... it is up to me. The food fairy is only a figment of my imagination. I am in control of what I put in my mouth day in and day out. It's my choices to make, nobody else to blame or count on. So pardon me as I go strap on my fairy wings and pack mysef a healthy set of snacks to take to work with me today. I think I have the recipe for fairy dust somewhere here.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Looking deep into my crystal ball I have a prediction…

And it ain’t purty. I'm no gypsie but I am predicting disaster on this coming Tuesday’s weigh-in. Ok, so disaster is a little much, a little dramatic, a little embellished but still I have a very bad feeling about what’s going to happen on the scale. This week has been horrible for my food intake and my exercise as been non-existent.

It’s the dreaded 3 or 4 days before I’m due to start my period and the monster-that-is-my-belly has been ravenous. I’ve seriously been an unstoppable eating machine. It’s not all been bad food, although the extra large baklava I had today at lunch sure isn’t going to help me, but it’s just been tremendous amounts of food that I’ve been ingesting. I really just cannot be filled/satisfied. It seems so unfair and quite the chickens-way-out to totally blame my eating extravaganza on PMS but I have no other explanation unless my body has been hi-jacked by aliens who plan on feeding me until I explode. If that is the plan, they’re executing it very well. I don’t remember what I used to like about feeling stuffed but I do know I used to keep eating until I felt this way all the time. Now after eating until I’m very full I just feel like a slug. I wonder what used to be so satisfying about it? (I haven’t piqued my curiosity enough to continue the habit until I figure it out though, thank God.)

I missed my Wednesday workout because I was just too tired to get my butt out of the house. It has nothing to do with PMS. This one is all on me. I just could not make myself get dressed and go to the gym. I was in bed at 8:30 and fast asleep by 8:31. After working all day and going to school all evening both Monday and Tuesday nights I just am having such a hard time going to the gym on Wednesdays. Luckily my classes are almost over and they will no longer rule my workouts but until then I think I’m going to continue to have difficulty with my Wednesday workouts. And when I miss one then it totally throws my whole week off.

Tonight is supposed to be my second workout for the week but now will only be my first and unless I do back-to-back-to-back workouts Fri., Sat. and Sunday there is no other way for me to get in 3 workouts before Tuesday morning. Granted Tuesday morning is just one day in this whole scheme of things I was really wanting to continue to see some negative numbers, get back over my 66 pound mark and be on my way to 75. I don’t think this week is gonna be it for me.

So right now I am officially kicking those aliens out of my body, I’m reclaiming myself back and am going to live the rest of this time before my weigh-in in a healthful manner. Only Tuesday will I truly know the damage those little green Martians inflicted upon me.