Thursday, June 30, 2011

I finally weighed in and Swimming for Weight Loss

Today I had my first appointment with DEWY (my disordely eating therapist) since being back from vacation. We weighed in and the numbers, no matter how ugly, didn't really deter me from the fabulous feeling of vacation success. I weighed in at 126.6 kilo or 278 lbs. That's a 9 pound gain from where I was the day I left from vacation. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean I failed, because as I posted below, I fought off some of the worst eating related demons that had held onto me my entire life. I won this battle. I kicked vacation ass and took names. I feel fabulous about my accomplishments and how easily I have slipped back into my pre-vacation life.

I have gotten back into the "game" back into stride and am right back where I need to be, mentally, with eating. I am back in my routine of eating every 2-3 hours, two fruits a day, normal portions, plenty of water, fish 2 times a week, exercise and not being food obsessed. This is huge for me. Generally after vacations I would go into "homesick" mode for a couple weeks and then have to really persuade myself, eventually, to get back at it. Not this time. Not this life. Not this me. It is empowering, this control I seem to have mustered up.

When Dewy asked me this morning what else she could do for me, I said "I really don't know" and that felt fantastic. I seemingly have a grip on things. No, not seemingly, I do have a grip on things. My head and thoughts are so much quieter now than they were just a year(ish) ago when I really started persuing help to deal with my food issues. I can remember the torture that it was to stand in line at lunch with all of the questions running through my head, so loud, thunderous, jumbled, screaming, quietly berating me. Now I stand in line and I don't worry about food, other than my choice of lunch, I don't think food related thoughts at all. I have time for other thoughts like "man, I need new shoes to go with this outfit". Let me tell you THAT'S a lot more fun to have swimming in your head. I'll invite thoughts of shoes and shopping to paddle through my brain any old time!

I quit binging. I have quit the binge eating. I no longer binge eat. Binging and me are like oil and vinegar. Binge? Nope, not today! Done with that chapter. Signing off.

I quit hiding my food and eating, hidden in shame. I've stopped it. I will not start again. Ever.

Oh! Speaking of things swimming... I am soon to be that thing swimming! I have decided to start swimming as a form of exercise and found a pool right by my house that opens at 6:30 AM for laps! That means I will be able to ride my bike to the pool, swim, ride my bike home, shower and still make it to work by 9! How's that grab ya? I'm going to start next Monday, three times a week to begin with. I've never, ever swum laps before, so I'm going to ask for a little instruction at the pool but any advice you all can give, feel free! I can swim well, just never in a straight line, under water, with a purpose.

I have more stories to tell, more things I want to share but just not the time today. This will have to do ya!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks! Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I am BACK!

We arrived safe and sound back in Amsterdam yesterday morning and WOW! Vacation was AWESOME. It seemed like it lasted forever and that's a good thing.... on most fronts...I was very happy to be home in my own very large, firm bed but mostly, I am just thrilled to be back in my routine in my old environment where I can focus less on food!

I have not weighed myself yet as I am super swollen from the flight and I'm not even really sure if I want to weigh myself. I know I gained, and I don't think it was just a little but that's not the reason I don't want to weigh. I don't want to get on the scale because I am actually really PROUD of how I handled food while I was away and I don't want any number to "ruin" my positive outlook on how these last 3+ weeks played out.

So I don't want to sound braggy like "OMG I was so awesome and did everything perfectly" but I do want to really focus on those accomplishments I did have, rather than wallowing in "OMG, I SUCK" self pity at the things that may not have gone as planned. So here are the great things that happened...

I never once, not even one time, ate until I was sick. That may seem pretty slight to some of you, but as a person who used to spend every day on vacation stuffing herself with American food because "I just can't get this at home", and feeling miserable pretty much all day long, this is a VERY big deal. Seriously, huge.

I went to restaurants for breakfast and didn't order the entire menu. LOL I am a biscuit and gravy freak, love the stuff, but usually I would order that with eggs, and bacon and sausage and a pancake and justify it all with "I can't get this in the Netherlands". This year, DEWY really helped me keep things in perspective. Yes, I can't get a lot of that stuff in the NL but that doesn't mean I have to eat all of it for every meal for three weeks! So one morning I would have a biscuit and gravy. The next morning I would have pancakes (no more than two). The next day it was eggs and bacon. Next day sausage sammy.... I spaced it out. Can you imagine what a HUGE difference in calories that must have made?

I went to some of our favorite restaurants and ordered different, healthier choice items. To be honest with you, within the first week I was already sick of brats on the grill, burgers on the grill, hotdogs and pretty much every greasy, yummy grilled food item I usually drool for. So when we went to our favorite burger joint (Red Robin) I ordered... a chicken salad. LOL It was not expected and I wasn't in "diet" mode but man, I just wanted some crispy greens! I realized then, that we had eaten hardly any veggies with our meals for the first few days, it was just meat meat meat. I made it a point to order salads for a lot of my meals over the three week period and it really didn't seem like I missed out on anything.

The first, of many, trips to Walmart resulted in a HUGE watermelon that I munched on for days. Yum. I didn't manege to eat my two fruits a day on most days, it just didn't happen, but every day I did get in at least one fruit, which made me kind of proud. In the past, fruit was NOT a vacation item. Ever.

One dark cloud with a very silver lining was the DQ. Oh the Dairy Queen, how my family loves you and we showed you this almost every day of vacation by keeping your business alive. Ice cream every day isn't the best choice but I did make smarter choices while there. I tried the mini blizzard and it was just the right amount of everything! I didn't eat banana splits every day, I kept things simple and small. That's a HUGE feat for me! HUGE! And the best part about it is that now that I am at home, I know I'm not going to eat ice cream every single day and I am sooooo okay with that!

I drank tons of water and iced tea. I walked a lot. I didn't get in as much exercise as I had planned but I still did a lot more than usual.

I shopped like there was no tomorrow! I bought sizes that I haven't worn since before Sadie was born. I purged my closet of the items that no longer fit me and things that I don't plan on having fit me by time winter creeps in....

I really feel like vacation, although not perfect, was a huge success for me. I'm not sure if I want the scale to tell me any different and actually I do control that. no matter what the numbers, I won. I overcame so many of my vacationisms that I usually lived by. I succeeded in the USA and I am very, very proud of myself. No number on the scale is going to take THAT away from me.

For now, my life is just going to get back to my routine and I will continue on my path to weight loss!

I hope you all have had very healthy, successful weeks while I've been gone and I look forward to catching up!