I am BACK!

We arrived safe and sound back in Amsterdam yesterday morning and WOW! Vacation was AWESOME. It seemed like it lasted forever and that's a good thing.... on most fronts...I was very happy to be home in my own very large, firm bed but mostly, I am just thrilled to be back in my routine in my old environment where I can focus less on food!

I have not weighed myself yet as I am super swollen from the flight and I'm not even really sure if I want to weigh myself. I know I gained, and I don't think it was just a little but that's not the reason I don't want to weigh. I don't want to get on the scale because I am actually really PROUD of how I handled food while I was away and I don't want any number to "ruin" my positive outlook on how these last 3+ weeks played out.

So I don't want to sound braggy like "OMG I was so awesome and did everything perfectly" but I do want to really focus on those accomplishments I did have, rather than wallowing in "OMG, I SUCK" self pity at the things that may not have gone as planned. So here are the great things that happened...

I never once, not even one time, ate until I was sick. That may seem pretty slight to some of you, but as a person who used to spend every day on vacation stuffing herself with American food because "I just can't get this at home", and feeling miserable pretty much all day long, this is a VERY big deal. Seriously, huge.

I went to restaurants for breakfast and didn't order the entire menu. LOL I am a biscuit and gravy freak, love the stuff, but usually I would order that with eggs, and bacon and sausage and a pancake and justify it all with "I can't get this in the Netherlands". This year, DEWY really helped me keep things in perspective. Yes, I can't get a lot of that stuff in the NL but that doesn't mean I have to eat all of it for every meal for three weeks! So one morning I would have a biscuit and gravy. The next morning I would have pancakes (no more than two). The next day it was eggs and bacon. Next day sausage sammy.... I spaced it out. Can you imagine what a HUGE difference in calories that must have made?

I went to some of our favorite restaurants and ordered different, healthier choice items. To be honest with you, within the first week I was already sick of brats on the grill, burgers on the grill, hotdogs and pretty much every greasy, yummy grilled food item I usually drool for. So when we went to our favorite burger joint (Red Robin) I ordered... a chicken salad. LOL It was not expected and I wasn't in "diet" mode but man, I just wanted some crispy greens! I realized then, that we had eaten hardly any veggies with our meals for the first few days, it was just meat meat meat. I made it a point to order salads for a lot of my meals over the three week period and it really didn't seem like I missed out on anything.

The first, of many, trips to Walmart resulted in a HUGE watermelon that I munched on for days. Yum. I didn't manege to eat my two fruits a day on most days, it just didn't happen, but every day I did get in at least one fruit, which made me kind of proud. In the past, fruit was NOT a vacation item. Ever.

One dark cloud with a very silver lining was the DQ. Oh the Dairy Queen, how my family loves you and we showed you this almost every day of vacation by keeping your business alive. Ice cream every day isn't the best choice but I did make smarter choices while there. I tried the mini blizzard and it was just the right amount of everything! I didn't eat banana splits every day, I kept things simple and small. That's a HUGE feat for me! HUGE! And the best part about it is that now that I am at home, I know I'm not going to eat ice cream every single day and I am sooooo okay with that!

I drank tons of water and iced tea. I walked a lot. I didn't get in as much exercise as I had planned but I still did a lot more than usual.

I shopped like there was no tomorrow! I bought sizes that I haven't worn since before Sadie was born. I purged my closet of the items that no longer fit me and things that I don't plan on having fit me by time winter creeps in....

I really feel like vacation, although not perfect, was a huge success for me. I'm not sure if I want the scale to tell me any different and actually I do control that. no matter what the numbers, I won. I overcame so many of my vacationisms that I usually lived by. I succeeded in the USA and I am very, very proud of myself. No number on the scale is going to take THAT away from me.

For now, my life is just going to get back to my routine and I will continue on my path to weight loss!

I hope you all have had very healthy, successful weeks while I've been gone and I look forward to catching up!

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in results are in and I tipped the scales at a mere (HA!) 122.4 kilos or 269 lbs! That's a total loss to date of 14.6 kilos or 32.12 lbs! That's a fantastic start to what will be a long journey but it's a really good start to my vacation!

I'll be in the US for a couple of weeks and I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging so hang in there, I'll be right back and can't wait to share how the "experiment" of a weight loss girl coming to America pans out!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful week! See you soon!

Holy Crap! Sorry!

Thanks to Becklette for her gentle reminder that I have been neglecting my blog!

I guess I just don't know what to say. Nothing is really "new". I am doing well. Things are going brilliantly. I'm just plugging along, doing what I do and the weight is coming off slowly. Lather, rinse, repeat. Oh and I am preparing for a 23 day stint in the USA.

oh, yeah, we can totally talk about that.

It's been a huge subject of discussion with Dewy and I, and in my last session we kind of just left it at "whatever happens, happens". If I gain, it's not the end of the world, and if I lose, then it's just an added bonus. When I get back into my normal life I am going to get right back to everything that works for me and life will go on. I am not going to get back into food obsession, binging, eating, restricting EVER, and especially not while I'm on vacation, so I'm actually pretty mellow (which is an entirely new sensation for me, especially before visiting the US, I used to get so wound up about weight, losing, gaining, etc, so this is very, very new, and, well, kind of cool). I am going to still shoot for my mini-goals (water, fish, fruit) and do what I do while I'm home. I will try to eat normal portions, which is actually the biggest challenge especially when we all know, nothing served to you in the US is a proper portion. And I do mean nothing!

I was, however, totally inspired by my friend Tanja, recently. She is also concentrating on dropping some weight, by similar methods that I am using. She is also an American living in the Netherlands and JUST got back from a US vacation. Being the super star she is, she actually DROPPED a kilo, so 2.2 pounds, whilst in the land of super size! How AWESOME is that! She said that she was just way too busy running to really think about food. Amazing! I am so proud of her and so inspired! That is a huge, huge accomplishment! *standing ovation for Tanja*

I am thinking I may do a little documentary type blogging and maybe even a series of videos while I'm there to keep track of how things are going... I haven't decided how I'll approach it yet, but I don't plan on ignoring you all while I'm gone. Of course, if I disappera for a bit, don't fret, I haven't fallen off the planet just yet. Oh and I will post my pre-vacation weight here before I am off!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks! Wish me some luck!

what works for me

As I mentioned before DEWY (my therapist) has said that since I'm doing so well, they will slow down my therapy to being seen once a month and I kind of had a mini "OMG" freakout. I'm doing so well in this little routine and to change that, it's kind of scary. She suggested that maybe I should write down the things that work for me so if I ever feel like I'm sliding back into my old habits and lifestyle, I could take it out of hiding, read it over and bring myself back to where I am now. So I've done that for my appointment on Thursday and I thought I would share that "list" with you all. A lot of it you already know, some of it you may not, but here is what really works for me. 

Keep in mind, weight loss is not cookie cutter and what works for me may not work for you (and that's okay!). For instance, I'm a simple cookie, only needing simple ingredients to work. I'm a surprisngly chewy cookie, with a bit of crunch when you first bite, but when you get right down to it, I'm pretty soft, with the occasional lump and bump of chocolatey goodness. I'll get stuck in your teeth and you'll spend the afternoon trying to get me out of your mouth. That's me. You may be a totally different kind of cookie, a nutty cookie, a no bake cookie, a cookie full of a rainbow of candy pieces... and you may need a different kind of mixer/oven/ingredient to be "just right". Find the right mix and the right ingredients to make yourself the best possible you! You'll be deliciously successful once you get that right recipe. (what a horrible analogy for weight loss, right?)

(Sorry this is in all caps. I did it in this neat kind of shadow font in MSWord, which looked cool there but I can't be bothered to change it for the blog. you'll survive, trust me.)

THINGS THAT WORK

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS GIVES ME SO MUCH MORE ENERGY THROUGHOUT THE DAY

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS KEEPS ME FROM FEELING OVERLY HUNGRY AT ANY TIME WHICH KEEPS ME FROM OVEREATING WHEN I DO EAT.

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS TAKES THE GUESS WORK OUT OF “SHOULD I EAT THIS”, IT’S A SIMPLE “YES, IT’S TIME TO EAT” OR “NO, NOT YET”. THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH QUIETER IN MY HEAD. IT IS SIMPLE.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES ME MORE CALM ABOUT FOOD CHOICES. THE BATTLING IN MY HEAD OVER FOOD IS OVER.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES MEMORE CONFIDANT TO EAT IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND NOT BE SO PARANOID ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING OF MY CHOICES.

I NO LONGER HIDE MY EATING OR HAVE THAT SHAME THAT WAS ASSOCIATED WITH HIDING AND EATING.

I NO LONGER BINGE. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS TO ME. THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTROL. I DO HAVE CONTROL.

I KNOW NOW THAT FEELING “FULL” AFTER EATING IS DIFFERENT THAN FEELING “SICK”. I NO LONGER LIKE FEELING “SICK”, WHICH IS HOW I USED TO GAUGE IF I WAS DONE OR NOT. FEELING “SICK” IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH FEELING GOOD. WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD IS NOT FOOD REALTED AT ALL. WELL THAT’S NOT TOTALLY TRUE. FOOD, OR BEING ABLE TO BE AROUND IT LIKE A REGULAR EVERY DAY AVERAGE JOE, THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. HAVING CONTROL OF THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER THAN GOOD. IT’S ENORMOUS.

HAVING MINI GOALS WORK FOR ME. SO EVEN IF I DON’T ACCOMPLISH ONE GOAL, THE CHANCES ARE, I’LL STILL HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOME OF MY OTHERS.

KNOWING THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT HAS MADE THIS EASIER. ASKING MYSELF TO DO 80% OF MY GOAL (AND BEING HAPPY WITH THAT) RATHER THAN KILLING MYSELF TO BE 100% PERFECT ALL TIME HAS HELPED ME RELAX AND AGAIN, BE MORE CALM. NOBODY IS 100% AND THAT’S FINE BY ME. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE FIRST 100% PERFECT PERSON, BECAUSE FRANKLY THAT WOULD BE ANNOYING.

IF ONE OF MY GOALS ENDS UP BACKFIRING, IT’S OKAY. THIS IS ALL JUST A HUGE EXPERIMENT TO FIND THAT BEST “FIT” FOR MY LIFE AND MY LIFESTYLE, WHICH WILL CHANGE AND EVOLVE AS I DO. I DON’T HAVE TO BE SO STUBORN TO THINK “THIS WAS MY GOAL AND I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IT”. I CAN HAVE THINGS THAT DON’T WORK AND THAT’S OKAY.

EXERCISING IS CIRCULAR. IT GIVES ME MORE ENEGRY. THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME EAT BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME FEEL ENERGETIC WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO BE MORE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE.

29.9 is the new 30, right?

29.9 is considered 30 in most cases isn't it? I mean, if somebody gave me 29.9 jelly beans I would say they gave me 30 jelly beans (and I'd toss the .9 away because, what actually happened to the rest of that little bean, did you lick it?). If I bought a new sweater for $29.90, I would say I paid $30 for it. In most cases I can think of, I would consider 29.9 an even 30, so why in the world am I having such a hard time saying....

I have made my goal of losing 30 pounds by the end of May as of this very morning, May 9th 2011!!!!!

I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to celebrate, feel awesome, smirk at myself in the mirror whilst giving myself that "that's right, you did it" look but I am holding back a bit. Why is the 0.1 having such a strong hold over me?!?!? It's ridiculous isn't it? ISN'T IT!?!?!?

So that's it, it's official, I'm marking this one with a "w" for WIN!

I weighed in with 123.4 kilos or 271.48 lbs (271.5, dare I?). That's a 13.6 kilo loss to date! It's a 29.9, awww screw it, a 30 pound loss!!! 

I cannot believe I made it to my first goal! And I did it with 3 weeks to spare! I am so proud of myself. These next three weeks I am going to just continue to do what I've been doing and if I drop some extra weight, great, but if not, I still accomplished what I set out to do. Wow! What a fantastic feeling!

My next appointment with Dewy is May 19th and I am going to stay off of the scale until then. I don't want it to be my main focus or motivation, especially right now when I am feeling so positive and forward-moving. As long as I can stick to what I know, I will be okay!

Man, 30 pounds! I can't quit saying it! 30 pounds!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Neglected

That must be how my blog feels... soooo neglected, but I can assure you, I am still very much here and very much participating in my weight loss life!

Things have been going so well for me lately that I kind of don't know what else to say. It's bizarro to think that you may be bored with hearing about continued successful moments, but in reality, it's always the train wrecks that catch our attention. Fortunately, I'm not really train wreck material (right now) and things are pretty steady. I'm still following the plan of eating every 2-3 hours, exercising 3-4 times a week, not binging, not obesssing and just trying to be a normal, functioning human. That's working out!

I did have a monumental moment last weekend though. We took my daughter, Sadie to Chimpy Champ. It's one of those places where kids can climb, run, jump, play, slide and do whatever else they want until they exhaust themselves. Back at the beginning of my journey at Novarum, with Dewy, I had gone to Chimpy Champ with Sadie and ended up sitting on the sidelines waving at her and Marco climb and play while I smiled happily and silently cried, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't climb with them. I was too big. I all but got stuck before giving up and taking my place as spectator in my daughters life.

But this time around, I could play. I even climbed up to the highest point and waved down at her and Marco. I jumped on the trampolines like a child. I bruised my knees weaving in and out of the tubes that just months ago (literally, about 8 or 9 months ago) I couldn't even think of fitting into without getting stuck. I had the absolute BEST time.

I could feel my muscles working as I pulled myself up the wall climb. I could feel my biceps burning as I held on tight to the ropes. I could feel my quads quading (or whatever it is they do) as I climbed up through the mazes of boards, wires and nets. I probably would have cried again, happy tears of joy, had I not been so busy absorbing up every second of Sadie's smile and laughter as we played together.

It was and continues to be these moments that she and I can really, really play together, not just me watching, that makes any effort I am making worthwhile. She deserves a Mommy who can run behind her, chase her, push her (forward, not down!), climb with her... and I am working so hard to be that Mommy. It felt fantastic. I was beyond happy. I felt proud. I am doing this!

I hope you all are having happy, successful weeks!

I'm just your average Joe.

I'm going to have to brag a little, so, you've been fairly warned. Easter would usually be a day that I would use as an excuse to forget everything I learned, forget everything I was doing and gorge myself on whatever was around, in mass quantities. "But it's a holiday" I would say to justify eating the ears off of my second or third chocolate rabbit, even if I wasn't hungry. I'd go to the party knowing exactly how I would leave...stuffed. That's what the holiday is about, isn't it? At least that's what it always had been about for me.

This time around was different though. I am no longer the Sarah of Easter Past, I am a brand spanking new kind of Sarah Bunny with an entirely different approach to food and holidays (I do still wear my "Bunny in training" badge though, I'm not comfy claiming "cured" just yet).

This Easter holiday I tried to be very thoughful of what I was doing (and trying to accomplish) and what I have discussed with Dewy, and I went into the holiday like any other day.

That morning I stuck to my usual routine. I ate every 2-3 hours up until we were at my brother and sister in laws house, where I knew I would be thrown off course. It's here that a lesson I learned at my last two appointments with Dewy came into play. I knew (and know) that I will be put in situations where it is "time to eat" before it is MY time to eat. My problem is, I don't want to draw attention to myself by NOT eating because then you get into big discussions of "why aren't you eating" or "Oh you're on a DIET" (God forbid) or just other uncomfortable things that people can say that make you feel self conscious. I want to avoid that. And honestly, I do want to eat with everybody else. It is part of the celebration of being together, sharing food and enjoying one another's company and why SHOULDN'T I do that?

So I did.

I brought a dill dip and tons of fresh veggies and sourdough bread and I snacked on that with everybody else. I kept in mind some of the tips that I read in the book Mindless Eating (great read, by the way, highley recommend it) and walked away from the area where the food was kept and concentrated on the conversation and what was happening elsewhere. By time lunch rolled around, I ate a normal portion of food and that was it. Done deal. No pants exploding, no miserable stomach ache from stuffing myself, just a normal, average, every day "I just ate my meal" feeling.

In fact, I haven't made myself sick from eating in ages... months upon months... I haven't rubbed my belly and said "OMG I'm going to puke" in a very, very long time. And although I say it with a smirk, it's actually a pretty big deal. I've taken a lifetime habit that I can trace back to my childhood and stopped it. I have stopped it. That's massive. It's not just a little thing, it's really, truely massive. Everything I knew about eating and being "full" has finally been redefined for me. I am eating like a normal, every day, average human.

It has never felt so good to be so average. Just your everyday, average Joe here. Nice to meet you!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter or Passover and I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

I'm a terrible cheater, the guilt, oh the guilt! I confess!

All my life I've been a horrible liar. I stammer, I turn red, I stutter, I stumble... I may as well have bells and whistles going off behind me with a huge arrow hovering over my head saying "liar! liar! liar!". Cheating is along the same lines as lying, it's just in another form and just like with telling untruths, I feel guilty as sin and feel the need to confess... here... to you...right now.

I cracked. I just couldn't stand no knowing anymore. I...

 (wait for it)....

stepped on the scale!

Yes, I know, I know, I am supposed to be "weighing blind" and that it's been going so well. And yes I know that Dewy said for me just to try it for a while to see how it goes and if it really is something that would work for me (not against me) and yes, it has been working but I just couldn't STAND it anymore. I hadn't weighed-in in eons (okay so it'd only been a couple of week but still, it FELT a lot longer considering I used to bounce on and off the scale daily) but I just couldn't hack it anymore. I mean, even my blog is called Weighing-IN, isn't it? I was feeling great, my clothes were loser and I just had to know what I weighed. I had to know!

So, the question is, do you wanna know? Do you wanna know what I weighed? Are you half as excited to find out as I am to tell you? Are ya? Well are you?!?!?!?

Good. Now that you are mentally prepared, get ready to feast (or famine) your eyes on this:

I'm at 125 kilos or 275 pounds!!!! That's 12 kilos or a little over 26 pounds GONE! That's taking a 137 kilo or 301 pound woman and shrinking her by doing nothing more than having a plan and a routine! 26 pounds GONE!

Needless to say, and as if you couldn't tell by the tone of this post, I am elated. Some may think "you're still 275 fleshy pounds of woman, what are you so happy about" but those people can kiss my fleshy rear! It's not the numbers so much as the entire experience on the whole that has me hootin and a hollerin. It's just been brilliant and I cannot say enough times how happy I am that I made the decision to get help when I really, really felt I needed it. Maybe it's not for everybody (and maybe it's not for you) but man-o-man it is the magic key for me and it feels awesome.

So here's the plan, I'm going to keep plugging along, a day at a time and stick to what I know and stick to what is working. The weather has been gorgeous here lately and I've been walking at lunch and sneaking in evening bike rides with the family, so I think things are just going in the totally right direction for me.

And I can only wish the same is happening for all of you. I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

The Voices in my Head

I talk on here a lot about the "voices in my head" when it comes to exercise, eating and decision making. Back in 2006 I wrote this funny post about good Sarah Vs. Evil Sarah and after re-reading it I realized a couple things:

1) I have always, always struggled internally with what I should do and what I feel like doing.
2) I sometimes sound like a raving lunatic and openly share that with others. Should I be concerned? Nah!
3) My voices have hit puberty, changed and matured.

Yes, they hit puberty, changed and matured.

I no longer hear kicking and screaming adolescent voices battling it out for "do we eat it, don't we eat it, yes we eat it, no we shouldn't eat it, have it, don't have it, of course you can, no you can't". Thank GOD we (me and the voices) have gotten out of the terrible two's, past the tweens, survived teenage angst and have finally moved into young adult hood. With the help of Dewy and Novarum, those kids have grown up, settled down and become just much more mellow creatures. They're still ever present, but no where near as sassy as they used to be.

I guess because I have a plan, and I stick to that plan and it takes so much of the guess work out of things, hence quieting everything down a bit. My nagging questions went from "oh my God if I eat that ice cream will everybody stare at me" to a much more calm (and less negative) "if I were a normal, rational human being, would I eat ice cream with my child on this sunny day". (the answer to the second half being yes, but if it were just me, passing McDonald's drive thru and wondering that same question, the answer would be no).

I'm not trying to figure out if it will "ruin" anything or how long I can go without eating, I'm just simply trying to see if that's what a normal, average, run of the mill "Jane" would.  I'm also making sure that when I do eat, it's within my time frames (so no sooner than two hours from the last time I ate and no later than 3 hours since the last time I ate).

It just amazes me that such simple, easy changes have made such an enormous impact on me. And I'm not using words like "enormous impact" for dramatization... I honestly feel like such a very different person than the one that was writing this blog just a year ago. I am in such a different place, mentally. And those voices, those battling voices of good and evil... they've shut their yaps for the most part.

And maybe you guys won't even get this or won't even understand because maybe you've not had the same battles with yourself in your head, but it used to be that standing in line waiting to pay for my food at lunchtime was one of the most intense, draining experiences of my day (or the grocery store, eeeekkkk!). God, the decisions, the temptations, the self doubt, the criticism of myself and the criticism of others (or so I would imagine), the dialogue would just go on and on, endlessly. Even after I made my purchases it would continue. This was all day long, every meal, every snack, every decision. I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions about food and eating. I was constantly in the middle of this terrible battle and I was not winning.

Now, I can walk in, know that I will make a good decision, know that I am okay, know that nobody is really judging me (and if they are a big F.U. to you, because you obviously have no clue what I'm doing or have done, or what I'm about to do) and I can sit down, eat my lunch and read a book. I can read a book! Not that you should be surprised that I am literate (HAHA) but that I can stop arguing in my head long enough to actually relax a read. And that's it. Quietly. No arguments. No fuss. No guilt. No battles. Nothing. I'm just a normal person, eating a normal lunch on a normal day.

This revolution and evolution has been ___________, what? What has it been? Life changing? Yes. Overwhelming in a positive way? Yes. Phenomenal? Yes. Subtle? YES!

Just feeling calm, in control and normal, it's more, to me, than I can ever put into words for you.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks.

As promised, some progress pics

So this was me "before", in May 2010. I believe this dress is a Dutch size 54, which is about a 24/26 in US sizes, depending up on the store.

This is me this morning. This is the jacket (size 18/20) that I have had hanging in my closet for years and just couldn't fit into for the longest time (years). The pants are size 24, but they are one size too big so I assume I am in a US size 22. Unfortunately I don't have any 22's to try on to see how they fit.

The obligatory goofy side pose, foot kick.

And this is another size 18/20 jacket that I've been waiting to wear and luckily I fit in them during the right season!

And there you have it, proof that I really do exist!

Hope you are all having healthy successful weekends!