Monday, April 06, 2009

For the first time (purposely at least)

I'm not weighing in tomorrow. I am making a conscious choice to wake up and not get on the scale. This is the first time I have ever purposely not weighed myself since I began losing weight in 2006. I don't know if it's necessarily the "right" thing to do, but it's what I'm doing.

This was not a good week for me. I have been emotionally eating like crazy and just don't want to face the scale. I know what I did, I don't need the numbers to prove it. I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically and I don't want to. I even told Marco this week "I give up. I can't do it" which I know is utter bullshit because I did it before. Of course now I have a 8 month old baby who still isn't sleeping through the night (she's still up at least 2-3 times a night) which throws a wrench in my physical and mental well being and my body is still adjusting it's hormone (they say it takes a year after birth to get back into whack, which is what I guess you do since you are said to be "out of whack"). But really, right now I am feeling like I can't do this and I'm also feeling like I just don't care.

So, that's how I feel today. And yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. I just can't be bothered to care right now. I'm not sleeping well (even when the baby IS sleeping), I'm too much "in my head" and I just never have been good at getting into bed, pushing thoughts aside, relaxin and going to sleep. I'm constantly thinking.

It's a shame. I "could" be back at my pre-pregnancy weight before I get home to the US if I worked my tail off and just did what I "should" be doing until September.

Who knows... maybe I will.

4 comments:

Ellen said...

It will get better! (((Hugs!)))

The Atkinsons in Amsterdam said...

Do you want to borrow Dr. Ferber's book?

Kirsten said...

Do what makes you happiest and the rest will take care of itself. You have a beautiful baby and a loving husband.

Saffa Chick said...

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture you know, and being sleepy makes us hungry.

You're a new mommy, it isn't easy, relax a little and maybe just concentrate on staying the same weight for a week and see how you go from there...