Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Heavy stuff, and I'm not talking about my weight (well sort of)

I’m just going to put it out there because if anything, I’ve always prided myself on being honest in my blog. What’s the use of sharing information with “the world” (or both my readers LOL) if I’m just going to regurgitate bullshit and make everything seem shiny, happy and perfect. That’s not the life I live (although many aspects of it are shiny, happy and perfect) and it’s not the life of most of the overweight people that I know who are struggling to get the pounds off and let go of their emotional baggage live day to day.

I’m feeling frozen and it has nothing to do with the biting winter weather we’re having. Paralyzed almost is how I would describe it. I feel like I’m hiding from myself, if that makes any sense. Boo! There I am again and what I see scares the crap out of me. Boo is right.

I seem to be searching for something, not knowing what it is. Is it spiritual? Is it emotional? Is it physical? Is it all in my head? It may be all of these or none of these but I seem to be searching none the less. Is it all weight loss related… no, not really, but it does play an enormous part, pardon the pun.

While I am playing hide and seek with myself, I am also feeling wound up, flustered almost. A bit nervous but not nervous but on “the edge”. The edge of what? The edge of flipping out? The edge of a breakthrough? The edge of finding out what it is I am both hiding from and seeking out?

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at what lies before me, the task at hand. Overwhelmed at the volume of weight that I want to lose, even though I know I can only lose one pound at a time. I have the tools available to me, and they’re with me all the time. They’re all in my head. Why am I not using them? What am I waiting for? Why is this so overwhelming when I know it doesn’t have to be? Why am I back to where I was in the beginning, looking at the BIG picture when I know I need to concentrate on the pixels that make up the image instead.

I’m feeling underwhelmed in other aspects of my life, I don’t feel like I’ve “done” enough. I haven’t done enough good for my fellow man. I haven’t done enough for my family. I haven’t done enough to allow myself to feel satisfied with my life. What is enough? I don’t have enough time. I don’t get enough sleep. I don’t have enough patience. I don’t have enough talent/will power/discipline/_____ (fill in the blank with whatever you please because Lord knows, Sarah, you’re just not enough). And in the same thought I know that’s not all true and I know it is THOSE thoughts that are self defeating, pushing me further from my goal, weight loss or not weight loss related.

But what is it that’s going to make me happy? I have a sneaking suspicion I know (being able to really write, be published, follow through with my “dream”) but maybe it’s a pipe dream that I think will make me eternally blissful but that delusion could be exactly that, just a mirage of happiness that will disappear as soon as I reach it? Will I ever get the chance to know that?
I never know what I’m going to get either. It’s like every morning I wake up roll the dice to decide how I’m going to feel that day. I shake those dice up hoping for “Yahtzee!” Sometimes the roll of the dice coincides with the step on the scale. Sometimes it’s connected to my hair, good or bad hair day. Today will I feel powerful, in control? Maybe, sometimes I do. Today will I feel accomplished? Maybe, sometimes I do. Today will I feel scared and intimidated by the goals I have set for myself? Maybe, sometimes I am. Today will I feel numb? Never. That’s one thing I never allow is to just walk around numb to my emotions. Maybe I should try it.

I am so overwhelmed by my weight loss. Absolutely gobsmacked. Frozen. Paralyzed. I am scared to death, to be completely honest. I did get on the scale today to see that I haven’t budged from last week, or the week before, or the week before that, or the week before that. Not that I’m surprised. I haven’t done jack to drop any weight but it is constantly on my mind. I am overwhelmed by it, which is just absolutely silly. I even told myself on the way to work today “quit thinking of losing all this weight and think about losing one pound, that’s all you have to do” All I have to do is lose one pound. That makes so much sense and that’s really how I should look at this.

I keep telling myself all of these wonderful things. All of these positive things. All of these really genuinely good things (that worked for me in the past, none the less) but I’m not buying what I’m selling. Why not? I’m a trust worthy vendor. I would never rip myself off. I believe in the things I am saying but I seem to have reverted back to “Sarah 2006” and that was not a nice Sarah to be, to myself.

I’d love to wrap this up with a positive “I’m going to do it” cheer, a big virtual team smack on the ass and go on my way but that wasn’t what this post was about. This, for me, was just getting this out there. Letting you all know where I am, how I am and what’s going on in this screwed up little head of mine. This is my reality at this moment. Where do I go from here…

6 comments:

becklette said...

i've been feeling the exact same way-- overwhelmed, weighted down and just plain unimpressive. i can't even think about the pounds anymore. where 101 was impossible, now 30 is impossible. i don't know why. and feeling like an utter failure. like i haven't, and won't, accomplish anything. ever. i can't even focus on losing one pound anymore, i just have to hone in on things i can control and the only things i feel like i can control are *my* actions. so, i drink my water, i eat in my calories and nutrients and i work out. that's literally all i can deal with. i know what's going on with ME is depression. it's common for me this time of year. what's going on with you? (please consider that a virtual slap on the ass if it helps.) history of depression? over a year and a half without sleeping through the night getting to you? new job disappointingly still work-work?

you can always email me if you need to talk. i know i don't REALLY, you know, KNOW YOU, but to be fair, we've been talking about this stuff for, oh, three years?

Erin said...

I am going to ditto a lot of what becklette said. I know that for me, it's the weather. I am sick of it being cold. I'm sick of my only workout options being indoors, even if I have variety (Wii, dvds, stationary bike). I want to go for a walk, take the kids to the park, ride a bike and actually go somewhere, etc.

I had to force myself and I had to start small. I'm not going to lie, I start out with the best intentions and 3-4 days later I just...stop. I get busy, lazy, tired, etc. So longevity is not my strong suit at the time. I just think, "What am I willing to do today? What will I hate the least?" and then I do that. 20 minutes on the stationary bike (I can throw on my Ipod and zone out), some exercise moves I clipped from a magazine, etc. Small steps. Doesn't matter how small it is, it's still a step.

I had to get myself into the mindset that I do so much for everyone else. It's not fair to myself to ignore me.

You sound like you are going through some tough mental stuff right now and that's okay. You're not weird and it happens to a lot of us. I have been following your blog for some time and you have lost the weight before. You will do it again:)

Abby said...

xoxoxo

Madame K said...

Sarah-

Whenever I get that "edgy" agitated feeling it's usually becasue I have lost focus and my daily actions and routine are no longer in line with my true and authentic self. The discomfort is a sign that I need to step back and look at my life and see what's working and what's not. It's a call to action----something's gotta change!

Take a more holistic approach. It's not about the weight. It never is.

http://christinekane.com/blog/sabotage-and-persistence/

Barbara Loure` Gunn said...

Sarah, what I have found helpful when I get stuck in any situation is to read what I have written. Writing is a way for our conscious mind to see what our subconscious mind already knows.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Being overweight CAN be overwhelming. It's like seeing a mountain in the distance and knowing just how hard it will be to scale it. But one step at a time is the only way anyone's ever scaled a mountain.

I suggest you find some folks who've lost massive amounts of weight (I can point some out for you if you can't find 'em) and backtrack their stories. Hell, take my own story... just twelve months ago, I was over 90 lbs heavier than I am today. Truthfully, I didn't believe I could lose that much, but one thing led to another.

It's hard not to get overwhelmed by the task at hand, but it is doable.

I wish you all the luck in the world.