Somethings are made easier with parenthood

Today we celebrated Marco's Dad's birthday. Every year we shop around looking for something to buy him as a gift and every year it's sheer torture. We shop and shop and shop and shop and everything just seems so lame. A person can only get so excited about scratch off lottery tickets, right?

So this year, now that Sadie is here, the gift giving was easy... what more could a grandparent want but a framed picture of their new grandaughter in her pretty new dress. So here is the picture we framed for Opa Fons.


And as suspected... he loved it! My Mom also got a Sadie related gift her her birthday... a T-shirt with Sadie's picture and underneath it said "I'm Grandma Kelly's #12". Ahhhh, a little relief from racking our brains trying to think of a gift! Thank God Grandparents are easy to please. Whew!

While we were taking the above photo we also took the below shot. How cute is she chewing on her fingers? She looks so tiny amongst all of the stuffed animals.

She turned one month old today. Wow! She is eating so much better now and her little cheeks are becoming chubbier. Things are going so much better for all of us... she's starting to smile (although we haven't been able to capture it on camera yet) when I tickle her cheeks and chin. She's spending more time awake. She's turning her head to the sound of our voices and following object with her eyes. She's just being her amazing little self. We're truly one little happy family!

Happy Days and one bad one...

Let's sart with the bad one... it was Sadies follow up appointment on Wednesday... So I don't have to type it all over I'll just copy and paste the heated email I sent to my Mom and sister to tell her how the appointment went:

"Well it didn't go very well. She didn't gain enough, only 40 grams and she should have gained 150-ish to be on the safe side. We have to go back next week. The doctor (who I liked) had to consult with another another doctor and he came in to talk to us and I pretty much hated him. He was a complete ass and tried making me feel like I didn't know my baby at all. Kept saying how she is just crying, when in fact, no, she wasn't just crying, she was screaming. I know the difference (and so did the first doctor). He also said it was probably a coincidence that the crying (no, not crying, screaming ,dickhead) stopped at the same time that we switched her to formula because only 2% of babies actually have a dairy allergy. Well to me that's a really huge coincidence that as soon as I swicthed her off of my milk she hasn't had one single fit since. Not one!

Then he critisized how often we're feeding her (when she wakes up crying and is rooting for the bottle and won't be consoled any other way) because we should only be feeding her every 3 hours so then she is hungry enough to eat 100 ml. Okay, then what am I supposed to do the 1/2 hour to an hour before the 3 hour time limit is up while she is screaming her head off. You know what he asked me? How do you know she's hungry? Well, fucko, how does any other mother know their baby is hungry? He said, well babies can't tell you what they're crying for so she could be crying for anything not necessarily hunger. Okay, so now I don't even know enough to know when to feed my baby! Apparently 3 hours is a magic fucking number that works for all babies and you shouldn't deviate from that "schedule" because it doesn't make her numbers add up at the end of the day.

You know, I'm all for wanting her to gain weight and be healthy but don't fucking feed me a bunch of bullshit reasons why she's not gaining just because YOU don't know why she isn't gaining. And don't try to make me second guess my mother instincts when you've done nothing but look at her chart for 3 minutes, dickhead."

Yes, I was sightly livid after the appointment. As if you don't second guess everything the way it is when you're a new mom (and dad) like you really need some doctor asking you things like "how do you KNOW it's hunger". Well how do you KNOW it's not? Thank God I can openly vent to my Mom and sister... well and just about anybody else who will listen. Since writing this email on Wednesday we've continued to feed her on demand, regardless of what Dr. Asshat suggested. Yesterday she drank 665 ml's so over 3 oz more than our "target" of 600! We were thrilled. She's also well on her way to drinking over 600 again today.

The only problems we're really having now is with cramps and pooping. She'll scream in pain for about an hour every evening and you can feel her pushing and pushing her legs against my hans. Then an hour later she'll poop a load after a lot of grunting. This, I realize, is normal for a baby this young as their bodies are just learning how to function but I'm still going to ask if there is anything else we can do (besides belly massage, warm baths, bicycling her legs, gas drops etc.) to help her out some.

Otherwise the days have been glorious since switching her to formula! She is such a happier, content baby now. She's staying awake a lot longer in the days and her eyes are focusing more. We're playing daily on her playmat and singing lots of songs. She loves the bath, dislikes getting dressed and sleeps like a champ. She loves to go out in her stroller and walk around the neighborhood. She lays there wide eyed, taking in all of the sounds around her. She's not a huge fan of the carseat but once we're in the car she does pretty good. Like Mommy, she loves to shop! Well okay, I may be making that part up but we've done a lot of shopping! I'm working on drying up my milk supply and that's going pretty okay too.

Ahhh the baby is stirring so I must cut it short!

Here's some more pictures to tide you over until next time!

In the carseat that she's not too fond of:

Sportting her new mittens to keep her hands warm and keep her from scratching her little face. Look close you can see my porn star cleavage! Hubba Hubba! LOL

update on breastfeeding issues.

Saturday was spent with Sadie howling in pain for over 7 hours total. It would start during the feedings, 30 ml (1 oz) into it and just continue until she passed out from exhaustion. This has been going on for weeks now and I was really frazzled. When Marco got home from work and she screamed for another 3 hours we knew we had to do something or else have a nervous breakdown. We decided it was time to switch to hypoallergenic formula and see if it helped. So Saturday nigth we began. We realized it may take up to 2 weeks for her little tummy and intestines to heal and see a big difference.

By Sunday afternoon she was an entirely new baby. She didn't scream through one single feeding and still hasn't. She's eaten more today by 9a.m. than she has in the past week by 3 or 4 in the afternoon. She's seriously sucking this stuff down like we've never fed her before.

It's such a relief to not have her be in pain anymore. Yes, I wanted to breastfeed (which I wasn't anyway because she wouldn't latch but still feeding breast milk) but what I want more is a happy, healthy baby who is gaining weight and eating and now, that's what I have. Granted this 1.5 day span of no screaming could be a fluke that just happens to coincide with us switching her to formula but I am crossin my fingers that it's not.

I am still pumping and plan on pumping until we've tried this formula for 1 to 2 weeks and are sure this is the "cure". I am freezing all of my milk and plan on donating it should we not need it in the end.

And here is a picture of our happy camper from yesterday.

better news today

Well we took her to the doctor again today and since her eating wasnt much inproved he sent us to the peditrician at the hospital. He mentioned that they may want to keep her in the hospital for a couple nights so they can closely observe her which naturally freaked us out.

So we went to the hospital and met the pedi. She was nice. She went over what we'd been doing with her, how much she'd been eating, how she was acting when she was screaming, etc. We had logged everything she had done for the past 4 days so we had references. She agreed that she was eating too little but once I explained how once Sadie started farting etc the eating went better she saw in the book how her eating improved.

She consulted with the head of the department who then came in to talk to us. In the meantime they weighed and measured her and she was 56 cm (22.04 inches) long (but was wiggling like crazy so may not be exactly accurate) and had gained 80 grams (2.8 ounces) in 2 days so that was really positive.

The head of the department came in and said they were teetering on what to do. Yes, it could be that she has an intestinal problem especially with all of the screaming but it could also just be that she is at the lower end of the spectrum for gaining and since it's such a large sliding scale of what is "supposed" to happen that it could just be nothing but that still doesn't explain the screaming from intestine pain. They think she is too young to be displaying signs of an allergy to dairy but said if things continue this way until next week I should try the whole elimination of dairy from my diet to see if that's what's upsetting her tummy. They decided not to keep her for observation but to monitor her closely, meaning we have a phone consultation on Monday and they want to see her and weigh her again on Wednesday. Should anything go terribly wrong in the meantime we could of course call.

While we were there Sadie was hungry so of course we fed her and naturally, when you want the child to show the doctor how she howls after 30 mls of drinking she behaves like you are a crazy parent who likes to make shit up for attention. She was an absolute angel and didn't make a peep. But in her defense, after tooting a lot yesterday afternoon she was very calm all eveing and even through the night so it wasn't a big surprise she was calm with the doctor. She's like a whole different baby today. It may be the drops we've been giving her with each feeding or maybe she's just passed enough gas that the pain is no longer there or significant. Let's hope so.

So that's that. We're just going to see how it goes and hope for the best. I really feel beter that they are taking our concerns seriously as I feared (just a little) they would blow us off thinking we were just overly cautious new parents, which of course would then piss me off beyond belief and I would have had to have gone ape shit on them. HAHA

Not the best news

We took Sadie in to be weighed on Tuesday and she hadn't gained any weight at all this week. She's "ideally" supposed to be gaining an ounce a day right now. I made an appointment with the lactation consultant for the following day because she wasn't in at the time we were there.

We're also having other "issues" with Sadie. She's screaming during and after feedings, having problems pooping (she's screaming and pushing against me but not pooping, but she does poop once a day or every other day but she's obviously in pain) and feeding issues, as in she isn't eating enough (hence the no gain in weight, if only her mother had that problem!).

She's supposed to be taking at up to and closer to least 600 ml a day (20 oz) and let's see... Monday she ate less than 400 ml (13 oz) all day long (this was the worst day, she was crying so hard from her bowels and was inconsolable, this started Saturdaynight and continued until Monday when she finally pooped). After she pooped (3 times finally) on Tuesday she ate much better but still didn't make the 600 ml mark. Yesterday she was eating much better but still nowhere near where she needs to be and the gas pains started again yesterday.

She's bottle fed expressed breast milk only. We offer her as much as she wants every time she wakes/cries. Her problem is she falls asleep no matter how hard we try to keep her awake.

The lactation consultant heard what I was saying and suggested I take Sadie to the doctors just to be sure nothing was seriously wrong. So I made an appointment and went in at 4.

The Dr. said she looks great, looks healthy but is still concerned about her lack of weight gain this week (she stayed the same as last week) and how little she is eating compared to what she 'should' be eating, ideally. We're to continue tracking her food intake until Friday and come back then. If he's not happy with her progress then he'll refer us to a peditrician. You can't see a pedi here without a referal, all kids go to the family Dr. We'll also talk more about her screaming then. I honestly hope he just refers us. I need a peace of mind that she is okay and we're doing what's best for her.

After this morning Marco and I decided to try giving Sadie hypoalergenic formula at her feedings to see if it makes a big difference in her screeching half way through. Yesterday and this morning have already been too much with her screaming for hours solid. She is screaming until she passes out and is just inconsolable. Of course then she isn't eating because she's in pain and/or passed out. We've been so leery of giving formula but we're desperate. I have a feeling it's my milk that is giving her pains, causing her so much discomfort. Possibly she is allergic to it or one of the componets in it, such as dairy. As we're having latch issues as well it will take me days to try the "cut out this food group and see if it improves" method from my diet as I have a stock of milk in the fridge and wouldn't be able to pump enough to keep up with her supply.

I am trying not to let myself feel guilty for giving formula. I have really worked hard to establish a supply, try and get her to latch and feed her breastmilk as it's what is best for her but right now we have to try something different. I feel like I've done as much as I can do. This stress isn't good for me or the baby or Marco for that matter. I just want her to not be in pain and to grow big and strong. If that means not being able to breastfeed then so be it. I need a healthy happy baby.

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A little update. We tried the formula and she screamed 30 ml into it just like she does with the breastmilk so I guess that's not what is causing her to react that way with the feedings. That makes me feel a little better. I'm going to discuss reflux with the doctor again tomorrow although she not showing many of the symptoms at all, just the screaming.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement. What is happening with her though is beyond crying to release energy, she is screaming, red faced, can't breathe for hours at a time.

Also, I won't let myself feel overly guilty for not breastfeeding. Her health comes first beyond everything and I know I have tried everything in my power to make it work so if it doesn't it just doesn't. Thanks again for the encouragement! It does help a lot.

Cute-ness personified

WOOHOO!

We booked our flights to the USA! YAY! We will be arriving on December 12th and staying until January 3rd. YAY! We haven't been "home" since April of '07 so we're very ready for it. It will be Marco's first Christmas - American Style and the first time I've been home for the holidays since 2003. And of course it will be the first time most of my family (well all of my family excluding my mom) will meet Sadie!

Oh and even better (or equally as good) and my Mom is arriving here on September 9th (leaves the US the 8th) to stay for 10 days! It's her first trip here and she's the first in my family to come over since I moved in 2004. I cannot wait! Then after she leaves my best friend since childhood, Liz, is coming over for 5 days. It's her first time here too! YAY!

So much to look forward to. YAY! YAY! YAY!

Breastfeeding: It's natural!

Breastfeedng: It's natural. I loath when people say that. Not that there is anything unnatural about breastfeeding but that statement makes it seem like "oh it will be a walk in the park, you and your baby will know exactly what do to and it'll be just this wonderful super great bonding experience for everybody." What a crock of shit. Thankfully I already knew before Sadie was born that breastfeeding could be difficult and was somewhat prepared for a rough ride although I don't think I could have ever prepared for it to be this rough.

She hasn't latched on to the breast in well over a week. In fact when I even get her in any sort of position to lacth on she is already pissed off and screaming as if I am feeding her razor blades. This makes feeding time less than fun and a bit stressful for both mommy and baby.

Finally I was able to get into see a Lactation Consltant. Let me tell you, she was so helpful. I wish I would have known to make an appointment from the first time we started having problems. It would have helped us tons more than the midwife and kraamzorg (in home nurse type person) ever could have. It ends up both the midwife and kraamzorg were getting us all worked up and upset over nothing, jumping the panic gun for just simple, typical latch problems.

The L.C. said my breasts are fine (the other two, midwife and kraamzorg, said my nipples were't "right" one was inverted or flat, blaming that for Sadie not latching) and she also said there is no problem with Sadie's pallet or tongue. The other two also said it was probably her tongue that was causing the latch problems.

She also said that it was rediculous for us to be waking Sadie through the night for feedings as they had us waking her every 3 hours no matter what with only one 5 hour stretch allowed per night. As you can imagine that was tiring and it just made the baby mad. Her weight is fine and actually she gained 2 oz in 4 days which is above the average and she is weighing perfectly fine for her age. The midwife and kramzorg had us on a strict schedule of feeing every 3 hours no matter what and very specific amounts. Really, sometimes it felt like we were force feeding her trying to make sure to make the "quota" they wanted. As soon as those two women left Marco and I decided we should go with our guts We stopped this "schedule" as soon as they left because we know she will wake when she's hungry, it's what babies do!

The L.C. also told me to stop pumping every two hours. Fine with me!. She suggested I spread it out to three hours during the day and not to wake up through the night to pump. For the last 4 or 5 days I had been pumping every 2 hours around the clock which of course takes its toll on you after a while.

She was impressed that I pumped enough to not have to give Sadie any formula, which was important to me. Not the formula is the devil but I would just rather not give it if I could help it. If Sadie would have ever been in "danger" or losing weight of course I would have fed her formula.

The L.C. suggested I only try having Sadie latch on two or three times a day as currently we are trying every single time she feeds which is making feeding awful and stressful for both her and I. She also said it was perfectly fine for me to feed her from the bottle where as the other two said only Marco should be giving her the bottle, so I haven't even gotten to feed her days.

She really made me feel comfortable and Marco really liked her too. She gave me confidence that my motherly instincts were pretty much on target but you know, when you have two "professionals" telling you to do things this way or that way, it's really hard to say "you know, thanks for your input and I know you have 30+ years expereince but my 14 day stint in motherhood tells me I should do it this way."

She said Sadie has a mind of her own and is strong willed which is what is probably causing the problems with her latching onto the breast. She's impatient if she doesn't "get it right" the first time. We just have to keep trying every day until we get it, which is no problem. I will continue to pump and feed her expressed breat milk until we get it down. I already feel so much more relaxed with the schedule she set up for us which is a huge load off. I'm managing to get some sleep. Marco is sleeping. Sadie is content and healthy. Let's hope in the next few days or weeks she will start latching and I can put my pump on the shelf for the time being.

There is work to do

So I started this blog to track my weight loss and although I've been on a hiatus from losing weight for the past nine months I still have those same goals that I still want to reach. 200 pounds is still within my grasp although now my timeline is shot to hell. So here is the low down on my pre-pregnancy, pregnancy and aftermath numbers.

The day I got my positve pregnancy test I weighed in at 105.6 kilos or 232 pounds. That was 69 pounds down from my starting weight of 301.

Nine months later, I weighed back in at 129 kilos or 283 pounds, so I gained 23.4 kilos or 51 pounds during my pregnancy with Sadie. Quite a bit off from my goal of gaining between 25 and 30 pounds total, eh? Ah well.

As of 7 days post partum I had dropped 15 kilos or 33 pounds. Not bad, not bad at all. That leaves me with 10 kilos or 22 pounds to lose at just 12 days post partum. (although i see now that doesn't add up to 51 but with the kilo/pound change and rounding up/down and estimating, it's close-a-damn-'nough)

I don't yet have a plan of action. Hell, I'm still trying to get rid of the 'rhoids (2 are gone, the other 3 are no longer snowglobe sized but more like grape size which is way way better!). You're supposed to eat 500 calories more while breastfeeding but I can barely find time to eat, let alone track calories. I do snack when I can and although meals take on a whole different meaning now, I do try to eat 3 healthy ones a day with 3 to 5 healthy snacks in between. (meals now are more like take a couple bites, go mess with the baby, eat a few bites more, throw laundry in dryer, walk past you meal and remember oh yeah, I was eating, take a few more bites and get distracted again.) I actually am finding it much easier to eat healthy (healthier) NOW than I ever have. The fact that what I put into my mouth effects my child is a very strong push to make healthy choices.

So I don't have a timeline right now. I don't know when I'll be able to get back to exercising but the food issues are going well for now. 22 pounds is definately do-able to get back to where I began and then it's off to reaching my 200 pound goal. So, there is definately work to do.

My birth story

So I have a free half a second so I thought I'd finally write my birth story out since some of you wanted to hear it, the good the bad and the ugly. Just a warning, it will be full of a lot of TMI info so if you're queasy or just don't feel like hearing about my private parts then you can skip this post. For those who want to read all about my privates... carry on brave one!

At 3:00 AM on July 31st I began having contractions. They were fairly strong and coming every 7-10 minutes. Woohoo! I was in labor. I woke Marco to let him know and of course I couldn't go back to sleep although I did stay in bed to "rest" as much as possible. Well they hadn't changed in length or strength by 8 so Marco decided to go to work and I could call him should something progress. After he left I decided to get up and walk around to see if I could get things going some more and by 8:30 (and after calling my Mom to get her all excited) the contractions stopped.
I thought I should probably try to sleep since it could happen "any time" now. Well sleep just never happened. For various reasons I couldn't sleep that morning. I finally laid down at 3:30 in the afternoon and no sooner did I lay down did the contractions start again. Again they were 7-10 minutes apart so couldn't call the midwife yet. The rule here is that you can call her once your contractions are 4-5 minutes apart and lasting 40 seconds to 1 minute long for two hours. The rest of the time you must just labor at home on your own.

I laid and contracted until 8:30 when I got up and once again the contractions stopped. I called the midwife because I was so confused as to what I was supposed to do. Do I lay there and contract and never get anywhere or should I stay upright and make them stop. She said that until they were 4-5 minutes apart while up and around I wasn't considered in "real" labor. She also said that it would be getting dark any time now and my daytime hormones would subside and my evening hormones would take over and to then I would probably go it true labor. I had never in a million years ever heard of that, daytime and nighttime hormones, so I was leery to say the least.

Alas the sun set around 10-ish and right on schedule a bit before 12 on came the contractions. Real ones. They were exactly as they were supposed to be, so 40 seconds to 1 minute long (actually some were 1 minute 20 seconds long) and anywhere from 1 to 5 minutes apart. I labored standing up the entire time because when I laid on the bed the contractions were stronger but inconsistent. These contractions were already hurting by time 2 hours of them rolled around and I was having to breathe through them. When we hit the 2 hour mark Marco called the midwife and took Scooter, our dog, down to his parents house as we were on our way! I called my mom while he was gone to tell her it was the real deal this time and already on the phone I was doubting my abilities to do this. The contractions were painful and I wasn't breathing through them properly. Good ole Mom to the rescue talked me through the next 4 contractions, telling me how to breath and reminding me how we did with my sister when we coached her through two of her births. You know, there is just nothing like talking to your Mom to calm you down and give you confidence. Thank God for her. I was also thinking of my Great Grandma Francis, my Great Grandpa Doc and my Grandma De who have all passed away. I was praying for them to help me through. I knew they were there with me, which sounds kind of odd but I knew they were.

The midwife showed up about 5 minutes after calling and checked me. I was dilated to 3-4 so she called the birthing center and let them know we were on our way for our water birth.

We got to the birthing center (which is connected to a hospital) and checked in at 3am. The pool was filling up and I changed into nakedness and my swimsuit top. Yes, it was bizarre but I just didn't feel like being totally exposed even though soon enough many people would be looking at my who-ha, I just felt like being modest.

I was soooo looking forward to the nice warm bath and the relief it was going to give me from the contractions. It was also to speed up the process of dilating which means speeding up the process of holding Sadie in our arms. I climbed into the tub and prepared for my first contraction in water. I was more than disappointed when it came and it felt the same as when I was out of the water. In fact, my contractions slowed while I was in the tub. They also hurt just as bad as when I was in the bed or standing and there was no position I could get comfy in to breathe through them. Within 10 contractions I had already changed my mind and decided that the water just wasn't going to work for me.

I climbed out, took my wet clothes off and changed into my tank top. The midwife went to lay down in another room (as did the two other nurses) as Marco and I requested to be alone while I labored and dilated. They came in and checked on us periodically and brought me water and ice chips (and offered food for both of us). I tried laboring on the bed but again the contractions were too strong and slower so I stood up once again. In the end I think I stood up for at least 18-20 hours of my labor. My legs were like jello by the end. When a contraction would come I would lean on the bed and Marco would stand behind me and push down on my lower back or hips depending on where I shouted my orders.

I have no concept of how long I labored this way, Marco seems to think it was until 7a.m.. I will say that time seemed to pass quickly and by time the midwife came in again I was dilated to an 7 but my water had not broken yet. They decided to try and break my waters to see if it would help me dilate the rest of the way.

The next hours are a bit of a blur for me. After my water was broken contractions came even harder and I was literally screaming through each one of them. Everybody in that birthing center knew I was in labor. Hell, everybody in the neighborhood knew I was in labor. I also began puking... around 6 times. The midwife came back and humorously said "well by the sounds of your screams I think you're probably at a 10 or close to it." She checked me again and she was right, I was a 10 all the way around except for on one side where I didn't dilate fully and had a 2 cm lip left. The next hour of contractions were spent with her hands inside me trying to get that little bit of lip left to disappear. Let me tell you, contractions suck ass but contractions with somebody poking around inside you suck dirty ass that hasn't been cleaned in weeks. It was horrible. Again, I screamed through every contraction. I also clutched a paper type bedpan thingy and squeezed the hell out of it with every contraction. It would have been nice to have something in my hands to squeeze that would have held up better.

At this time I was begging for somebody to help me. I was in tears. I was desperate. I couldn't do it anymore. I just knew I couldn't do it. I screamed through each contraction, tried breathing, gripped Marco's arms, legs, head.. .whatever was in grabbing distance when the contraction came. I had so much water/blood/crap coming out of me that they had to change the pad on the bed or floor (depending on if I was standing or laying) every 3 or 4 minutes.

I finally pleaded with the midwife "please take me to the hospital and give me an epidural, I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired and I'm so weak. I'm not strong enough" Of course, silly, at a 10 you're too late for an epidural,she happily told me. I continued to beg and plead (loudly) through each contraction. I don't even know who I was begging to at that point... God, the midwife, the nurses, Marco, Zues... anybody just anybody to help me.

Finally the midwife said she wanted me to try and push through a contraction to see what would happen with the little lip. So I did and she was convinced that it was clear enough for me to try and push. It was between 8 and 9 a.m. on August 1st at this point. I pushed and pushed and pushed. Sadie was turned face up though so once again with each contraction the midwife had her hands in me trying to get the baby to turn. That felt GREAT! Her head was also extremely coned so much in the birthing canal that when I would push it would get stuck. It was too elongated to make the little turn it needed to get past my pelvis and out into the world. So with each push her head would come down but be unable to pass the pelvis.

I pushed standing up. I pushed laying down. I pushed my guts out on the birthing stool. Funnily enough the midwife thought that THIS was the appropriate time to tell me "You're going to have huge hemorrhoids when you're done here, they're really bad." Thanks for the uplifting note bitch, now get this baby out of me.

I pushed for an hour. In the midst of pushing I dry heaved, peed on the floor and of course, pooped, multiple times. Oh and through it all Sadie was still kicking me with every contraction, little darling.

Finally after an hour of pushing the midwife said "I will let you push for 25 more minutes and then I'm going to have to call a doctor to see what we can do. The baby isn't turning and her head can't come out the birth canal." I was actually relieved. Hearing this let me know that the end was in site. Of course I was still screaming bloody murder with every contraction as I ended each push.

25 minutes later and no further progression, she went to consult the doctor in the hospital. He was busy and had to get back to us. Perfect! At this time she actually offered me pain relief if I wanted it. She said that she knows I didn't want it but I had bee at this for a very long time and was exhausted. I looked at her. I looked at Marco. He said to me "I know you didn't want it Sarah but nobody will think less of you if you take it. You've done all you can do." I was a bit stunned but finally was able to get out (in a cry) "I don't want it". What?!?!? Who said that?!?!?! I was actually surprised that at this point I could think clearly enough to remember my sister getting Stadol at the end of one of her births and not getting any relief from the drug but reaping the benefits of all the side effects and knew I didn't want that to happen to me. I really surprised myself though as I had been begging for anything to help me for hours upon hours.

I pushed another 30 minutes with no results before the doctor said came back saying I needed to go to the hospital and they were going to see what they needed to do to help me. They wheeled me over in a wheel chair and I screamed through every contraction on the way to the hospital, which was probably only a good 20 feet away but felt like miles.

I was put on a table, up in stirrups, on a monitor, given an IV with Oxytocin (like pitocin)(so everything I DIDN'T want). While they were preparing all of this I remember my stomach growling and saying "I'm starving." I believe they laughed. The doctor told me he wanted me to push through a contraction to see what was going on. Of course he had his hands inside me to help him "see". Beautiful. That felt nice.

They decided that the vacuum was our best bet to get her our safely. They could have told me they needed to put a stick of dynamite in my ass to get her out and I would have agreed. This vacuum required an episiotomy to fit the it inside me without tearing. They numbed me and cut me which, oddly enough, hurt.

I believe I pushed through three more contractions and finally I felt "the ring of fire". I knew I was pushing out her head. I heard the doctor say "okay Sarah, the head has been born." I could see Marco's face and he said "oh there's her head!". The midwife was snapping pictures. I wanted to punch her face (but later was happy she did).

My next contraction was coming and I knew I had to do it this time. The contraction came and my mind went to my Grandma De. I pleaded with Grandma (quietly to myself) to help me please, help me and within seconds I felt the baby come the rest of the way out. Sadie was born. It was 12:16 pm on August 1st 2008. 8 pounds and 13 ounces, 22 inches (estimated) of beautiful black haired baby. They laid her on my belly and the tears were already coming down my face. She was amazing. She was large but she was just amazing.

The rest is a blur or people, pictures, tears, joy, excitement, relief. Marco cut the cord. As they were running around cleaning up or doing whatever they were doing I delivered my placenta on my own. I'm pretty sure it fell on the floor because nobody was expecting it. I remember the woman turning around and exclaiming "oh there's the placenta!". I later saw it in a sack and they commented on how huge it was. It took 45 minutes to stitch me up. I asked how many I had and she replied "too many to count." Oh goodie.

I only had to eat a meal (yeah after a labor like that I was STARVING), take a shower without passing out and pee and then we were ready to go. By 3 o'clock (yes, 2 hours and 45 minutes after delivering) we were on our way out the door to come home and begin our lives as a family.

It sucked. It was hard. I don't want to do it again but it was worth every single ounce of pain, agony, blood, sweat, tears, shouting... she was worth it all.

Flying poo!

We laughed so hard we cried. This morning it was my turn for the in-home nurse to show/help me bathe Sadie. It was also the nurse´s last day with us. We got the bath all ready and put Sadie on the changing table. I took off her diaper to take her temperature and there was poo in the diaper. No problemo.

So as I´m turning on the thermometer the nurse starts telling me, well sometimes when you insert it they will poo again so be careful to not stand on this end of her and keep the diaper up to `catch` it if it happens. She walked towards Sadie´s head but then went back down to the other end of the table for some reason. Just as she was reaching the `bottom´ end of Sadie we heard and saw the funniest grossest thing ever. Sadie showered the nurse, the table, the carpet and the door with a big ole poo! I have never seen poo fly like this before. I swear to god if I didn´t see it with my own eyes, and get a bit on my hands, I would never believe the story. It was like something out of a movie that you think is so drastically exagerrated but it was oh so real. And the door isn´t even close by, it´s a good 3 feet away from where here little tiny poo filled butt was laying.

We laughed so hard that I cried. Then Marco was filling a bucket of water as fast as he could to get the poo out of the carpet and left the bucket in the shower, where it promptly overflowed all over the floor as he was trying to clean the carpet and forgot about it. As we cleaned the last of the poo off of the table Sadie, in a last ditch attempt to dirty the nurse further on her last day, peed all over.

Alas we finally did get her in the bath and she´s just happy as a clam right now but oh what a morning... and all before noon!

Here's the little pooperitis now (sans poo but looking stunning in the pink pants mommy and daddy bought th day they found out she was a girl!)

Very quick update (a bit gory)

Hi everybody! Just a quick update to let you know Sadie is doing wonderfully. I, however, am having issues. I've got hemmroids the size of snowglobes which are healing extremely slowly. It makes it difficult to sit, stand, lay or walk. I'm aking tablets and cream to get rid of them but it's going to be a while.

Don't know if I mentioned it but I had to have an episiotomy to insert the vacuum to get Sadie out safely. Well it's healing nicely although I somehow managed to tear my va-jay-jay in another place, probably from trying to sit on my snowglobe size hemmroids in an akward position. So now every time I pee I have to take a shower to make sure I stay clean and the new wound doesn't get infected.

Breastfeeding is not going well... at all. As of now she hasn't latched on in the past 24 hours. I have been pumping religiously and we've been feeding her via a contraption that is a finger syringe. So I insert my middle finger into her mouth with a thin syringe on top of it and feed her this way. After feeding I pump for 15 minutes at each breast. It takes forever and the older she gets the more she requires to eat. I am doing this in order to avoid giving a bottle and causing nipple confusion but it's getting extremely difficult. I am working with the nurse and my midwife to try and sort it out but nobody seems to know why she won't latch properly. I am reading and trying everything I know how to and they seem to think she's going to "get it" eventually but in the mean time I am extremely stressed. We try to latch several times throughout each feeding but Sadie also gets irritated very easily. Like if the latch does't working th first 2 or 3 times she starts screaming and has to be calmed down before you can do anything else. She's very short tempered. The good news, she didn't lose the 10% of her weight like most babies do, she only lost 5% and as of today she has gained weight so we're doing something right. I know I'm not starving her but the longer she goes without latching on the more worrisome I become. I am in touch with a woman at La Leche League she is offering me support over the phone but I think I may have to have her come over.

SO there you have the low down. It's time to prepare for another feeding. Sadie is the most wonderful thing Marco and I could have ever created and she is worth every single second of all of the above and then some. I'd take hemmroids the side of snowglobes over not having her any day of the week.

Sorry! Here is a good link

Don't know what happened with the password thing.. here is a link that doesn't require one!

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8QcsWTNm2bMV6

Here she is!

sadiemarie.shutterfly.com/action/?a=8QcsWTNm2bMZo

Sorry I can't think of anything clever to say, I think the pictures say it all!

She's here! Finally! Sadie Marie has joined us!

Hi everybody. I only have time and energy for a quick update but I wanted to let you know that Sadie Marie arrived on August 1, 2008 at 12:16 p.m. (Amsterdam time) after a 26 hour active labor by none other than me. We were sent home from the hospital at 3:00 and are getting settled in. Now THATs a big difference from the US I know. All I had to do was eat a meal (yeah 26 hours of labor, give me 4 meals please) take a shower without fainting and pee and they gave me the go ahead. My midwife will come to the house over the next 10 days to check me and the baby and we also have an in home nurse who will come every day to help with the baby for 3 hours every day for 8 days.

She has a head full of black hair, weighed 8.8 pounds (4 kilos) and I don't think they ever measured her length though. She is just absolutely beautiful and has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby. She actually looks a lot like my niece Ryleigh when she was born which is perfect because Ry was a beauitufl baby! We are just in awe of her and I can't quit staring. It's so surreal to actually have her here with us. I bawled like a baby as soon as they placed her on my chest and I will have to say, there were tears in Marco's eyes throughout the day. Of course, being a weeper, I've cried off and on all day, tears of absolute elation.

My water birth did not work out as planned at all not due to any factor except that I just didn't like it in the pool. I will give a ery detailed explination of my birthstory at a later time, gore and all. I will say now though, I have a sore throat from screaming.

Sadie's a calling. Thanks so much for everything readers! You're ther best!