Well the scale didn’t budge much. I am down a whopping 0.3 kilos from last week but I am still at 123. I have serious work to do. Serious.work. I just feel like yelling at my fat “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN SO YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE UP NOW”. Do you think it will listen?

Good news, bad news and #*$&% news too.

I did really well this weekend with my eating. I've loaded our fridge with fruits and veggies and have tried to stave off the unnecessary snacks with drinking extra water. Unfortunately with the hot and humid weather here I am still retaining an obscene amount of water and my tootsies are swollen nice and puffy. So that was the good news, I ate well.

The bad news is that my Mom called me to tell my that my Grandpa is in extremely poor health with his second bout of cancer and his doctors don't think he'll make it another two weeks. It is so so so hard being here in Holland when things like this happen. I really thought we'd be able to see him in September when we're in the US. All I want to do is see my Grandpa and say goodbye, hug my Mom and comfort her as she prepares to lose her parent and be with my family. The guilt I feel for living here when my family needs me is overwhelming at times but the worst is just the feeling of utter helplessness.

The #*&$*#@ news is that it's summer holidays and airlines think it's fair to charge 4 times as much for a plane ticket as they would any other time and even with a "bereavement" discount it's still 4 times more than our regular ticket. In fact, it's more than what we're paying to fly home in September for all 4 of us (me, husband, baby and dog). It's the same trip (Amsterdam to St. Louis), same plane, the same amount of fuel, the same seat, the same shitty meal so why the HUGE inflation in price. I realize it's "business" but I find it absolutely sick that somebody somewhere in the whole air travel business can't/wont help me to get a fair and reasonable price to make it home for my Grandpa. It's also partially our fault for not having an emergency stash for instances like this (we will for now on) but it would still sicken me to pay quadruple the amount as usual just because it's June.

So that's the good, bad and %%$#^# news.

Ummm... pizza and ice cream wasn't exactly on the "healthy" menu yesterday but it's what Marco choose for supper. Granted, I didn't put up a hostile fight but I did let him know that we're going to be eating much healthier from now on and I'm going to need him to be more supportive. He was totally on board, no problem. I love my husband!

As I predicted yesterday, I didn’t lose today. I gained ½ kilo (1.1lb) according to last weeks weigh in but nonetheless, I feel more positive and upbeat about really getting some weight off than I have felt in a long, long time. I feel more like “myself”. I think much of it has to do with the baby sleeping a wee bit better. She’s not a stellar sleeper yet but she’s at least giving us a small break for the time being, where we’re not up with her every two or three hours. It’s been a godsend. I know so many of you have commented on how sleep deprivation is a form of torture and we’ve discussed this at length at work as well and I can TOTALLY see how horribly it effects not only my mood but my over all well being. I have always been a person who needs a decent amount of sleep and I knew that would be affected once I became a mother but I swear I have never heard of a baby who sleeps as little or as restlessly as Sadie does and we have TONS of babies in my family…tons! There was just no way to prepare myself for this kind of sleep deprivation or for the length of time it would last.

Today I am focusing on getting in all of my water. I did well yesterday but half way through my can of diet orange Fanta yesterday afternoon I remembered I wasn’t drinking soda anymore. I did really well with not snacking last night after the healthy salad I ate for dinner. It was the right way to start off my week and it was really what I needed. So I’m actually not dreading this week, weight loss wise. I’m looking forward to it as a matter of fact.

Welcome back me!

One day at a time

So I am feeling quite swollen and puffy today (ugh, period) which is never a good sign right before a weigh in but I woke up today with a MUCH better attitude than I’ve had towards losing weight in a long, long, well overdue time so even if tomorrow isn’t what I hope for on the scale I know the next week will be successful for me. I’ve been too focused, mentally, on “I have to lose X amount by September” and what I really need to do is take this one week, one weigh in and even one day at a time. Today, I am doing to drink water, no soda, eat a reasonable sized lunch (taking myself AWAY from the table as it’s way to easy to graze while chatting with my colleagues), have a healthy supper and no late evening snacking. That’s what I’m doing today.

BLAH!

My weight was the same this week as it was last week. Next week it WILL be lower! It just will. Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!

Anybody have any cheese 'cause I'm bring the "whine"

Geesh. I didn't realize it had been so long since I blogged. I guess when you feel like you're not making any headway it's easy to put your weight loss blog on the back burner, huh?

I did get on the scale last Tuesday for my usual weekly weigh in and I was 123 which is still about the same, a little smidgeon less, than what I've been for... oh ... for EVER! I did tell myself though, I am going to lose at least one kilo this week. I don't know if it'll happen but at least I made a pseudo-rah-rah-you-can-do-it cheer in my head to try an uplift my spirits which seem to be on a rather long downward spiral to shitsville for the longest time now.

The closer my vacation to the US in September gets the more and more I know I need to drop some serious poundage to be able to do some ever more serious shopping for clothing but most of all I want my ample rear to be able to fit oh-so-comfy in the freaking bulkhead seats, which is where they place all parents with little ones as it's more "roomy". Of course if you have an ass the size of Texas you can barely squeeze yourself into the seat as the arms don't move up and within minutes your thighs are numb and you're feet are tingling from lack of bloodflow. Yeah, that's the way I want to spend my 8+ hour flight.

I tried doing some clothing shopping here the other day and I am in quite the "situation". My top half is still where I was pre-pregnancy but my lower half (a.k.a. Tex-ass) is two sizes bigger. I am not a person who tucks in their shirts because I'm just not comfortable that way being my size. I like my shirts to hit me about thigh length, not too short and not too long. Well in order to get my shirt around my un-small thighs without looking like a sausage I have to wear it two sizes too big on the top half of my body. This makes me look frumpy as hell and also leaves my shirt gaping open for the whole world to enjoy my boobage any time I bend the slightest bit over. I refuse to spend any sort of decent money on clothing because I am still holding onto the dream that I am going to lose this weight (again!) so it doesn't make sense in my head to pay more for tayloring than I paid for the entire article of clothing. Seriously though, I have one t-shirt that I can wear this summer and maybe 2 or 3 shirts that are office appropriate. I'm already sick of seeing myself in them and one of them needs ironed, which, as we all know good and well, ironing is the devil and I super suck at it. Thank God my office is super casual and I can get away with wearing just some t-shirts with jeans but I still have to find the t-shirt.

So I've freaking had it. I am losing this weight once and for all. I refuse to keep pansy-assing around. (Is pansy-assing a word because it felt really good to say it). Yeah, I'm exhausted from the baby still not sleeping through the night but I'm just going to have to deal with it in another, more healthy way.

I hope you are all doing well. I will try and post updates way more often as I know how it is to check a blog and not see an update day after day after day. Eventually you just quit checking!

DONE!

It's in the mail. I actually did it. I mailed my manuscript today. Now it's just a waiting game.

I did not step on the scale this morning for reasons beyond me but I have a feeling I know the results. I either gained or stayed the same. This is what happens when you don't change anything, things stay the same.

I keep telling myself "you have to do this" but with every day that goes by I keep "not doing this"... whatever "this" is. The fact of the matter is, I don't HAVE to do anything. I want to do it. I should do it. But really I don't HAVE to do anything.

So, that's where I am...kind of in no man's land. I'm surely not motivated but if I wait for motivation to come I'll be a hefty 300 pounds again in no time at all. I just need to buck up, quit my bitching, stop the excuses and regain control again.

We'll see if it happens. I don't have much faith.