The Little Tugboat

Tuesday has always been my weigh in day since the beginning of time, or at least since the beginning of this blog and although, right now, I am not concentrating on my weight loss per say, (I am really concentrating on my first baby step, trying to eating to every 2.5-3 hours) weight loss is still the "Ultimate Goal" but kind of a side effect of eating every 2.5-3 hours. A nice side effect, it is.

So, I'm still going to weigh myself every once in a while, maybe not every week, just to see. I don't want it to become something dreadful or something that I feel that I have to do because that pretty much derails everything Dewy is trying to change in me. 

Even though I went ahead and updated them there to the left on my status bar, I thought I'd go ahead and make a post out of it too. So, here is the "skinny" on me:

Height: 5'10"

Age: 33 (but 34 in a mere 15 days, cards and gifts welcome)

Starting Weight: 133 kilos or 292.6 lbs

Current Weight: 128.9 kilos or 283.58 lbs

1st Goal Weight: 90.9 kilos or 200 lbs (a.k.a. all-time lowest adultweight, EVER)

2nd Goal Weight: 81.8 kilos or 180 lbs (a.k.a.healthy weight range for my body type)

Total Loss To Date: 4.1 Kilos or 9.02 lbs

Something I am doing is working. Hell, all of the things (and there isn't really a whole lot of "things" in this group) that I am doing are working. That's 9 pounds in 6 weeks and all I am doing is being mindful that I eat every 2.5-3 hours and choosing my foods carefully (the way I know I should be choosing them). 

Sorry but I have to do this... I deserve to do this... I'm totally going to do this.....

TOOT! TOOT!

I hope you are all having successful, healthy weeks!

Transformers! More than beats the eye!

Dewy suggested that I pick up a copy of Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink, so I did, because, why else would my insurance be paying for a counselor if I am not going to take her advice and go with it. So I'm about 1/3 of a way into the book and I can hardly put it down. It is so well written, a bit of an easy read. I even brought it to work with me today to read over my lunch hour.

Now you all know what kind of effect Dr. P's "The Ultimate Weight Solutions" had on me. It was profound and I have since re-labeled it as The Weight Loss Bible (for my own personal uses only, I don't think Dr. P's staff was quite as receptive to the idea, and that restraining order kind of proves it) but this book, this little paperback, lightweight book... it sheds an altogether different light on eating habits. It opens your eyes, ears and mind up to things you (and I) probably never thought twice about.

It could never replace the Weight Loss Bible, no, never. I shudder at the thought! I do think putting the two together, hand-in-hand, is like building my own personal Weight Loss Transformer. Dr. P is the body/heart of my machine and Brian Wansink is the head. Dr. P relieves me of the emotional, heartfelt, burden of food and it's powers over me. Brian (yeah, we're on a first name basis already), he just figures it all out, does the math and spits out the answers for me. He's like my own personal cheat sheet.

Naturally, you (and me) are the final piece of the Weight Loss Transformer. You form the legs because it's up to you to run to the library, check these books out, race back home and read them front-to-back and you, the legs, will take the rest of the body where it needs to go thereafter.

It's your legs and feet that will step on the scale and see the difference. It's your legs that will carry you in front of the mirror to physically see the changed person week to week, month to month and year to year.  

I don't want to scare a potential readers of Mindless Eating away by saying it gives stats and study results (because to me that sounds so very boring, I yawned just writing the sentence in fact) but the book is the author telling you of all of the "tricks of the trade" to get you to eat more/less etc. It gives examples of case studies regarding things like restaurant lighting/music/ambience/smell and how it really does effect how much you will eat. It's also about how you can make changes in your own home, when you're out in a restaurant, when you're at parties, to make you more mindful of not only what you're eating but in what quantities.

I hesitated in giving a book description because it's hard to describe without making it sound boring or preachy, but I can promise you the book is neither of those. It's written with a humorous voice, which appeals to me, but still manages to be really informative. Like I said, I am only 1/3 of the way through and I cannot say enough good things about it, nor can I wait to see what else Brian has to say.

Let me know if you decide to read it or have read it already and your thoughts/feelings. Actually, feel free to comment anything, anytime! Makes me feel not so "alone" out there in my thoughts.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.


*********EDIT*********
After publishing this post, I went down and ate my lunch, book in tow. Low and behold, the very next chapter in Brian Wansink's book quoted none other than.... DR. PHIL and THE ULTIMATE WEIGHT SOLUTIONS. It's like the gods of weight loss are looking out for me.

An unexpected, yet expected, surprise

It's not my "official" weigh in day, which is Tuesdays, albeit, the last few weeks.... okay months....I've not been posting my weigh-ins because saying "no change, nothing new, same old stuff" 150 times over just isn't appealing. PLUS I was inching closer and closer to my original, all time high weight, and let's face it, that's not really something I'm super duper proud of.

When I was at Dewy's office (my counselor, aka Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) I had actually went from 130 kilo at my original appointment to 133 at the last appointment, so yeah, I had crept up 3 kilos in 6 weeks (that's a bit over 6 pounds for you unconvertibles).

I was upset but most of all, I was confused! I didn't FEEL like I was gaining weight, and I hadn't done THAT bad recently. Yeah, I wasn't eating perfectly but if anything I would have thought I was just maintaining my svelte 129 kilos, not gaining. I think Dewy must have sense my utter disappointment because she assured me, it's okay, you won't necessarily lose in the beginning as your body adjusts, and I walked away feeling okay with that. Okay with the fact that I am just beginning, this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon and I will lose the weight because I am proactively trying to get my shiznit together.

So this morning, before eating, drinking or dressing, (I did put my contacts in, so there's at least a fraction of a fraction of an ounce there) I got on the scale just hoping that I didn't gain even more and much to my surprise, I didn't! I actually lost! I am back to 129, which is really my starting point. So yeah, that's 3 kilos gone in a week and a half. That's a little over 6 pounds gone in a week and a half. That's a chunk of weight gone!

Do I think I lost 3 kilos in a week and a half, no, not really. I think my weight is a compilation of everything I've done over a period of time, so it's just that the scale and numbers finally caught up with the rest of my body. They were a little slow on the uptake but they finally decided to give in and follow the crowd and move in the right direction.

I surely didn't expect to see such a dramatic change in the short amount of time since being on the scale last so it wasn't expected, but at the same time, I knew I was making changes, positive changes, so it was really quite expected to happen... eventually.

So here we go again... many small, tiny moves in the right direction have paid off! I'm feeling accomplished and positive and a little assured. I am doing the right thing and it's really paying off, not just in numbers but in the way I am feeling overall.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

slow as sleeping snails

I had my third appointment with the Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) and these people are slower than sleeping snails. First it took me 4 months to be called for an appointment and now today I was told that the other guy (whoever he is, I don't know) is still not back from vacation, so they're not sure what they want to do with me yet as far as solid plan. That's the same thing they told me two weeks ago. It's been 6 weeks since my initial appointment, make a freaking decision already.

I left feeling discouraged because I think they want to put me in group therapy, which would be fine, only it's in Dutch and although I can understand very well, speaking it is still difficult (slow) and expressing myself regarding emotional issues is extremely difficult. It just doesn't come to me quick enough and I think I would be embarrassed to try it. I just don't want to go to a session and end up zoning out or not taking anything away from it (or inputting anything either). I speak Dutch with my inlaws all the time, in public places like stores, restaurants and with other Dutch parents so maybe I wouldn't do so bad but the thought of it is super depressing and makes me extremely anxious.

I was also pissed because I gained two pounds over the past two week, didn't lose!

I was encouraged though because I am doing really well with my eating timing. She said to keep up what I am doing, so eating every 2.5 - 3 hours (so I have breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner and another snack) and logging my food.

Right now we are concentrating on just getting this part down (the regular patterned eating) and then we will look further into food choices, portions etc. Of course I am trying to make better choices but I know I have a lot of work to do. She did say that I shouldn't expect to lose anything at first, which was shocking since I weigh 286 pounds, but she said that it will take my body a little bit to get used to the new pattern and then kick itself in high gear. I do, however have loads more energy, as I mentioned in my previous post.

I don't know why it hit me as such a shock that I am going to have to eat less and cut some things back quite a bit (like the yummy chilled coffee drinks that I love all too much) but it just made me a bit sad kind of like "here we go again". I was trying to think back to how I felt about food back in 06-07 when I dropped the 70 lbs so I got out my Dr. Phil book and am going to scour it for answers (I worte in the margins) and re-read some of my old blog posts. I know I wasn't miserable then by any means. I was feeling fabulous, on the contrary, so I can't really understand where this feeling of dread is coming from.

Dewy had a book recommendation for me as well. It's Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansik. She said it was a really good, eye opening, but but also kind of funny and lighthearted, I'm all for it. I promptly ordered my copy from Amazon this afternoon and it should be arriving in a week or two.

I'm also to keep a log of some "isms" that I live by, so sarah-isms such as "if the plate is not empty, then I am not done" and "delicious is more important that nutritous". They don't all have to be negative, or positive or anything of the sort, they just have to be little "rules" that I know I tend to live by, consciously or not.

I bought my little bank to keep my reward Euros in. It's a little elephant that says "eurofantje" on the side, which is a Dutch plan on the words Euro and Little Elephant. I thought it was fitting to get a little elephant and make him get bigger as I work on getting myself get smaller. I guess that could go for any animal but this guy is super cute.

So as I wait for my book to come, I'm going to go back through the Weight Loss Bible (Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solutions) and just try to reconnect with the girl who was so fantastically liberated by his words in the first place.

I hope you all are having happy, successful, healthy weeks!

the ups and downs of weight loss

The shrinkage woman, at my last appointment, drew me a little picture of how people gain weight. It was just a little line chart of showing how most people gain some, then the line goes flat as they stay there, then gain some more, then lose some, then stay the same, then gain some, stay the same lose some, gain some, you know, so you get this line across the paper that, although it goes up and down, there is a steady upwards motion that you can see. Something like this:

Then she turned that paper so the line was going from the highest point, to the lowest point now. This is how you lose weight, the same way you put it on. You lose some, you plateau, you gain a little, you lose some more, you plateau, maybe you gain more than a little, then you lose some more... but in the end, you can see where is a downward movement to your goal weight.

Now what she told me wasn't news to my ears, I had heard variations of that statement a hundred times over, but there was something to it that stuck with me. I think it's the visual of seeing what she meant rather than just hearing "you didn't gain it in a day and you won't lose it in a day" statement.

She's asked me to post that chart somewhere so that it's in my visual line daily. I haven't done that yet but will at some point. I don't want to put it on the fridge because I think it send me a negative message of "don't look in here otherwise you'll never reach that goal" which isn't true. Everybody has to eat! Maybe a better spot is on the wall above my scale so it can remind me that no matter what the number says, I am on that little roller coaster of weight loss and the ride is going to end up exactly where I expect it to... the finish line!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Just to give you an idea...

This is how I am logging my food. Notice it's not a lot of measurements, calories, fat, protein gram counting, it's just simply writing down what I'm eating and trying to eat every 2.5 - 3 hours throughout the day. I do put measurements in if I know them but for the most part, I'm just going with the flow.

Yesterday, the 18th was actually a pretty "rough" day for me, as in the afternoon, for some strange reason, I got extremely anxious and NEEDED to feel full. Not just to eat, but to feel very full. I just felt panicky and what I perceive to be "hungry" and just wanted that full feeling. I got through it with minimal damage but it's been the first time I've felt that way in the week I've been trying this "plan".

Oh and I don't think I mentioned that the woman told me I should definitely have a "rewards system" but not for losing weight, but for following the "plan" right now. So if I am supposed to eat 8 times a day and I managed to eat 5 out of the 8 (this is just an example) then I should give myself a reward. She suggested a piggy bank and putting a euro in it for every day I stay on plan. Notice it isn't every day that I am PERFECT, but every day that I do well. That is really encouraging and helps me to not be so hard on myself if I don't have a perfect day, which we all know will happen!

So here is a little example of what I've done yesterday and so far today:

August 18th
8:00 Granola cereal w/ whole milk (when she asked if I could try to eat granola cereal for breakfast to get some carbs in the morning, I told her "but granola has sugars and carbs in it" and she replied with "but that's thinking like a dieter and you're trying to only follow a plan to eat X times a day". Then I kissed her... well... in my head I did.)

2 bottles of water (500 ML each)

10: apple

12:30
2 ww bread w/ butter, 2 ham, 2 salami slices (ww = whole wheat)
cup of hungarian goulash (pork and veg, disgusting)

(feeling panicky)
16:00 - 17:30
6 sultanas (these are not quite cookies and not a granola bar, but a snack bar of sorts. One portion is 2 pieces. I ate 6)
2 time-out biscuits (a very dry, cookie, time-out is the brand)

6:30 thai chicken/veg/pasta stir fry

8:00 - 9:00
carrots and hummus
spa fruit (carbonated water with fruit juice in it)
250 ml yogurt
chips (probably 30 french fry looking things)
5 drop (this is black licorice, a very Dutch thing)


August 19th
7:30
coffee
2 ww bread, butter, honey


9:30 choco coffee mix

12:30 (we had a bbq at work)
grilled salmon
beef burger on bun w/ bbq sauce
veggie rissoto - 1/2 cup
cole slaw - 3 bites
fruitsalad of watermelon / cherries / pineapple
DC and Spa Fruit

4:00 - apple

then I will finish off my day here. So it's actually pretty simple as long as I plan well ahead of time and don't leave myself without any snacks. I'm following along the snack list suggestions that she gave me and have a stock in my drawer here at work as well as at home.

So there is just a little glimpse into my current plan that we'll build on as my therapy continues!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

Little changes = little differences

I’ve been following the advice of the councilor for the past 4 days now and just some little things I’ve noticed:

· I have more energy since I am trying to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours. And I don’t mean just a bit more kick in my step, I mean I feel loads better.

· I am less anxious about losing weight because I am focused on eating in a healthy manner. I don't feel overwhelmed at the task at hand.

· I never feel panicked about “OMG it’s ____ minutes/hours until lunch/dinner I’m never going to make it” because 2.5-3 hours between eating something, even if it’s just a small snack, goes by so fast that I feel like I’m always pretty close to snack time.

· Planning eating takes a lot of…well…planning

· I have the most wonderfully supportive husband in the world who is now eating breakfast with me, even though he’s never eaten breakfast before in his life, because he wants to also be healthy and show his support. He’s also careful to remind me of when I should be eating a snack if we’re out running around and I forget. Seriously, he didn’t just jump on board, he jumped onboard and buckled himself in for the long haul. I don’t know what I’d do with him.

All this in just a few days. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm really liking the changes so far.

Well hello out there!

So I had my second appointment with the disorderly eating folks and I am feeling so great about the prospects and plan. Just a quick recap, my first appointment was kind of just an intake interview and this one gave me a rough map of a plan and the third appointment (in two weeks) we will talk more in depth on how to deal with my issues specifically and continue from there.

What I like best about it is that they use many of the same processes as Dr. Phil's book, The Ultimate Weight Solutions, which, as you very well know, is what I used to drop the 70 pounds back in 2006-07. I really loved his book (the weight loss bible as I call it) and the fact that they will help me take his princples even further really makes so much sense to me.

After having my beautiful little Miss Sadie Pants, I sunk so far into my old habits (stemming partially from complete sleep deprivation) that I just needed further help figuring stuff out that I just can't do on my own. His book was a wonderful starting point though, and I am actually re-reading it now to remember what really did work and help me.

Right now we're focusing on my eating patterns and not really uber concentrated on WHAT I am eating (although of course they gave me lists of things that are good choices, okay choices, and "okay once in a while but not often" choices). Again, they reiterate that nothing is "off limits" which makes it so much less likely that I will binge.

They are more focusing right now into keeping my blood sugar levels actually level and then once I get into a normal, healthy eating pattern, we'll focus more on "what" I am eating. That, in itself, makes me feel more relaxed because I don't want to feel so OBSESSED with food. This approach makes me feel so much less overwhelmed with the task at hand, as I would generally feel plowed with information and things that I just "have" to change immediately, especially in the beginning of changing anything so major, really. She stressed to me that I am not on a DIET (which I knew) but I am just changing the way I think, feel and deal with food.

Yesterday was the first day I tired their method of eating something small between meals, so every 2.5-3 hours I was eating something and it was only in the evening, when I would usually binge that I really had some problems and became nervous and anxious.

We are also trying to work out all of my food and binge triggers. Some are quite obvious (sadness, lonely, boredom) but some are a bit harder to recognize.

I am also somebody who gets nervous and anxious if I do not feel full (stuffed full) and that is something that is going to take some time to work through. We're working on a plan to have things that can keep my mind going in other directions rather than focusing on food, which is also something I did with Dr. P.

I've also realized in just two sessions how much moving overseas 6 years ago really has effected my overall "self", in that my life is so very different than it was in the US regarding friendships and socialization and I may not be dealing with that in the best ways that I can. I stil don't have a clear plan of action for this but hey, I have time, right?

I feel really positive right now. I am keeping a journal of food, of course, and I just really am so glad I sought out help. If anything, meeting with her every two weeks gives me somebody to be accountable to and I think a lot of us need that accountability.

I hope you are all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks.

AND

a very happy birthday to my Mom today!

Well I did it. I had my first appointment

I had my first appointment at the disorderly eating center to get my head (and body) shrunk and it was a really great first experience for me. I wasn't nervous because, well I just don't get nervous for things like that. The woman was nice and asked the questions that you expect to be asked at an intake appointment, like your height, your weight, why you're there, what you feel you need help with, how badly your parents screwed you up (Mom and Dad I gave you a fine report!), how horrible your childhood was or wasn't and what you've done in the past and are currently doing, your work, your home life.

When I told her how much I weighed she asked me if I would mind getting on the scale to prove it. Apparently most of the people they see are grossly over or under estimating their weight (by at least 20 pounds, 10 kilos). I was spot on with my numbers, minus the clothing alotment (I'm at 130 kilo right now, a very ugly number, 285 pounds) and she really looked surprised. I asked her "what's wrong?" and she told me that above quoted stat that people over or under estimate their weight usually and added "and I didn't think you looked like you weighed that much". Yeah, I love this lady!

So then when I was telling her about my weight loss sucess back in 06-07 (yeah, it's been THAT long) she asked how I did it and I told her Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions (aka the weightloss bible) and she was really pretty happy with that. She told me that was a great book and that the practices that they use there are similar, if not the same, as in his book. She then asked the dreaded question "well if you had success with that in the past, then why don't you just do it again" (put more elequently of course) and it was a really hard question to answer. I don't know why I haven't gone back to the bible. I love Dr. 'P's advice and when I did apply it and keep it fresh in my memory I really had great success with it but even at those times I never felt like those demons-who-are-my-own-destructive-voices-making-me-sound-psycho-ish were ever gone, they were just quieted. And, I hate to say it, but since having Sadie those aforementioned demons seemed to have gained strength in their voices and are louder than ever. I just don't think I have the strength or tools to do this alone. I think I need a bit more help than what I can give myself via the weightloss-bible.

She asked if I thought I would benifit more from individual therapy or group therapy (which is what they usually recommend) and I chose individual because of the language (it would have been in Dutch) and I really want to get the most out of this experience.

So now she's going to talk with "the group" about our session and her findings and the shrinkage will continue in another two weeks.

To be continued then!

I hope you're all having healthy and successful weeks!