Monday, August 23, 2010

slow as sleeping snails

I had my third appointment with the Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) and these people are slower than sleeping snails. First it took me 4 months to be called for an appointment and now today I was told that the other guy (whoever he is, I don't know) is still not back from vacation, so they're not sure what they want to do with me yet as far as solid plan. That's the same thing they told me two weeks ago. It's been 6 weeks since my initial appointment, make a freaking decision already.

I left feeling discouraged because I think they want to put me in group therapy, which would be fine, only it's in Dutch and although I can understand very well, speaking it is still difficult (slow) and expressing myself regarding emotional issues is extremely difficult. It just doesn't come to me quick enough and I think I would be embarrassed to try it. I just don't want to go to a session and end up zoning out or not taking anything away from it (or inputting anything either). I speak Dutch with my inlaws all the time, in public places like stores, restaurants and with other Dutch parents so maybe I wouldn't do so bad but the thought of it is super depressing and makes me extremely anxious.

I was also pissed because I gained two pounds over the past two week, didn't lose!

I was encouraged though because I am doing really well with my eating timing. She said to keep up what I am doing, so eating every 2.5 - 3 hours (so I have breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner and another snack) and logging my food.

Right now we are concentrating on just getting this part down (the regular patterned eating) and then we will look further into food choices, portions etc. Of course I am trying to make better choices but I know I have a lot of work to do. She did say that I shouldn't expect to lose anything at first, which was shocking since I weigh 286 pounds, but she said that it will take my body a little bit to get used to the new pattern and then kick itself in high gear. I do, however have loads more energy, as I mentioned in my previous post.

I don't know why it hit me as such a shock that I am going to have to eat less and cut some things back quite a bit (like the yummy chilled coffee drinks that I love all too much) but it just made me a bit sad kind of like "here we go again". I was trying to think back to how I felt about food back in 06-07 when I dropped the 70 lbs so I got out my Dr. Phil book and am going to scour it for answers (I worte in the margins) and re-read some of my old blog posts. I know I wasn't miserable then by any means. I was feeling fabulous, on the contrary, so I can't really understand where this feeling of dread is coming from.

Dewy had a book recommendation for me as well. It's Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansik. She said it was a really good, eye opening, but but also kind of funny and lighthearted, I'm all for it. I promptly ordered my copy from Amazon this afternoon and it should be arriving in a week or two.

I'm also to keep a log of some "isms" that I live by, so sarah-isms such as "if the plate is not empty, then I am not done" and "delicious is more important that nutritous". They don't all have to be negative, or positive or anything of the sort, they just have to be little "rules" that I know I tend to live by, consciously or not.

I bought my little bank to keep my reward Euros in. It's a little elephant that says "eurofantje" on the side, which is a Dutch plan on the words Euro and Little Elephant. I thought it was fitting to get a little elephant and make him get bigger as I work on getting myself get smaller. I guess that could go for any animal but this guy is super cute.

So as I wait for my book to come, I'm going to go back through the Weight Loss Bible (Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solutions) and just try to reconnect with the girl who was so fantastically liberated by his words in the first place.

I hope you all are having happy, successful, healthy weeks!