Get your shit together man!

So two posts below I blogged about how my DEWY (for those first time readers, DEWY is Disorderly Eating Woman YAY! and eventually I am going to quit explaining that) canceled our appointment without bothering to call me and let me know. Now I’ve emailed her twice with no response. I finally got a phone call from the center where this therapist works saying “We see that you are one of Dewy’s patients and even though you don’t have an appointment scheduled with her, we wanted to call you…” and this is where I cut the woman off and explain that, yes, I DID have an appointment with her, she just didn’t bother to call me to cancel it or write it in her calendar. Oops, I guess the two people I talked to the day of my appointment didn’t bother to write that in the calendar either.

The woman continued to tell me that Dewy is on permanent leave and they don’t know if or when she will be returning. Oh great. Yeah, sorry for her, but with the risk of sounding totally selfish… WTF for me? So now, here I am 8 months after I had my referral from my doctor’s office not one step closer to getting any help than I was then.

I was furious. Not that this woman is “ill” but that this place has dropped the ball again and again and I am going to have to start ALL over with somebody else, answering the same questions, telling the same stories, sharing the same bull. Not only that, they purposely put me with this woman because of her native English skills, as I want to be able to do the appointments in English, so I can express myself (unlike in Dutch where I could only express myself like a 7 or 8 year old can, or I just wouldn’t be able to get the same point across as easily). So I asked when she thought they’d make yet another decision on how to deal with me and she hoped it would be this week. Naturally, it’s the holidays and there is probably nobody around that place, so if I get a call this week I would be extremely surprised. Flabbergasted really.

Yahtzee!!!

It's kind of roll the dice with my emotions and eating lately.

I've been feeling unfocused, overwhelmed, wishy washy, unsteady, powerful, determined, able, incapable, strong, tired, willing, confused, inspired, dejected, deflated, hanging in there by a thread.

Every day seems to be a shake of the weight loss dice and I just never know if I'm going to be yelling Yahtzee or throwing the dice across the room and stomping off in a huff because I didn't "win".

Sometimes I'm just one little die away from hitting it big and scoring some weight loss points. Sometimes I roll a whole lot of nuttin and leave a big fat zero in the Yahtzee box. Each game and each day (hell, each meal even) it's a various mix of this, that and the other. Good choice, not smart choice, thinking with your stomach not your head choices, wise decisions, you just never know what's coming up next, what's around that next corner, what's going to come shooting out of the little cup with your next roll.

I do try to keep in mind that not every choice has to be the Yahtzee of all choices. Even some of the rolls inbetween can be enough to make you win the game in the end. I guess it's not the perfect roll I'm hoping for, it's that balance of large and small straights, a fair amount of 5s and 6s when trying for them, maybe even a full house that can win the game, with or without that perfect Yahtzee kind of an eating day.

Knowing that even if I didn't get the magic roll this last meal or snack or day, it doesn't mean that with the next shake of the dice I can't come up yelling Yahtzee.

It's like a kick in the pants...

I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to comment or email me regarding my last post. It really cements my keeping my blog because the support I get from people I've never even met is a tremendous help. It's like group therapy without the appointments. I do really appreciate it any time somebody takes the time to say Hi or hey there or anything, really.

So, I'm still here, still insane (by definition!) and still thinking I can do this.

I had my second appiontment with my DEWY (Disorderly Eating Woman, YAY!) today. I went in totally prepared, food log in hand, subjects to talk about in mind and attitude to boot and guess who called in sick (without bothering to call her appointments)... yep. Dewy. WTF!

I know she can't help that she's sick but a freaking phone call would have been nice. PLUS I just want to keep these regular appointments because it really helps me to keep focused on what I'm doing and actually feel like I'm accomplishing something. So now I have to reschedule and try to get in ASAP as to not derail my progression thusfar, which isn't much, but it's something by golly!

Well, regardless of what happened at my appointment, or lack thereof, I am accomplishing something... I went from 137kilo at my last appointment (the day after I landed back in NL from the US) to 133.2, which is a 3.8 kilo (or 8.36lbs) move in the right direction. Before you go applauding me for a job well done... when I weighed in at 137, I was bloated from my period and retaining some extra water from the flight the day before, so more than likely 6 of the 8 pounds lost was fluids. That said, fluid or not, I weigh 8 pounds less!

I've emailed Dewy to say "thanks a lot, let's reschedule". I've continued logging my food. I've stopped today's binge before it got totally nutso-out-of-hand and I've decided that even though I binged this afternoon doesn't mean I have to continue that behavior for the rest of the day so I am back on track as of this moment (or actually 30 minutes ago).

and away we go... again...

Discouraged is a mild way of putting it.

So I decided to get back into the swing of things by opening Dr. Phil's book again and refreshing my memory to what exactly I was doing before that seemed to turn my life around so drastically back in 2006, when I had successfully lost that weight, those 70 pounds. My counselor actually encouraged my re-reading his book as they use a lot of the same theories and practices as Dr. Phil preaches.

I cracked open the book and started browsing though. I got this book a long time ago and read it twice before putting it into practice and during that time I wrote in the book my goals, my downfalls, my internal thoughts... I did exactly what the book instructed me to.

As I was reading and skimming through the book I discovered that so many of the things that I struggle with now are exactly the same things that I felt and struggled with then. Then I saw the page where I defined my wiehgt loss goal in very detailed language, including dates of when X amount of weight would be gone. The year I was supposed to "really do this", the year that "this was it", the year in that book that I so surley wrote down my goals... 2004. Six years ago.

I hastily drew the conclusion that in 6 years I have not evolved at all. Oh yeah, I dropped some weight once, but here I am again. I am still battling the same battles. I am still dealing with the same issues. I am still morbidly obese. I am actually HEAVIER than I was in 2004. What in the hell happened? Well that answer is clear... a whole lot of nothing.

That was enough for me to close the book and sit here discouraged. In 6 years I've seemingly accomplished nothing, not anything in my weight loss endevor. What in the hell have I been blogging about then? Apparently I'm full of shit. Hot air. I'm a sayer, not a do-er. It's all a bunch of bull to fill up the time and make myself think I'm actually going somewhere, doing something, getting healthy.

And let's be really honest here, it's not like 2004 was my FIRST attempt at losing weight. It wasn't the first time I though "gee Sarah, you may just want to drop a few". Those same thoughts had been in my head since my late teens. So, it's not just the last 6 years that I've done absolutely nothing. It goes beyond that. Far beyond that.

I put down the book. I didn't read any further. All that spirit and determination flew right out the window. and in crept the other kinds of thoughts. The negativity. Or is it simply the reality?

Here I am still today thinking "yeah, I can do this. I will do this. Not doing it is not an option. I'm on my way. This is it. I'm doing it." Who am I kidding? Myself? My readers? Nobody? You?

We all know the saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

Then again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So which am I? The one who needs to just try, try again or do I define insane to a "t"?

Calling: A Girl Worth Losing

Sorry but I am trying to get a hold of "A Girl Worth Losing". I've sent you an email but I'm not sure if you still check that account since it's been a while since we talked that way. I know you still read my blog though, so if you can, get in touch with me. I wanna catch up!