Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Discouraged is a mild way of putting it.

So I decided to get back into the swing of things by opening Dr. Phil's book again and refreshing my memory to what exactly I was doing before that seemed to turn my life around so drastically back in 2006, when I had successfully lost that weight, those 70 pounds. My counselor actually encouraged my re-reading his book as they use a lot of the same theories and practices as Dr. Phil preaches.

I cracked open the book and started browsing though. I got this book a long time ago and read it twice before putting it into practice and during that time I wrote in the book my goals, my downfalls, my internal thoughts... I did exactly what the book instructed me to.

As I was reading and skimming through the book I discovered that so many of the things that I struggle with now are exactly the same things that I felt and struggled with then. Then I saw the page where I defined my wiehgt loss goal in very detailed language, including dates of when X amount of weight would be gone. The year I was supposed to "really do this", the year that "this was it", the year in that book that I so surley wrote down my goals... 2004. Six years ago.

I hastily drew the conclusion that in 6 years I have not evolved at all. Oh yeah, I dropped some weight once, but here I am again. I am still battling the same battles. I am still dealing with the same issues. I am still morbidly obese. I am actually HEAVIER than I was in 2004. What in the hell happened? Well that answer is clear... a whole lot of nothing.

That was enough for me to close the book and sit here discouraged. In 6 years I've seemingly accomplished nothing, not anything in my weight loss endevor. What in the hell have I been blogging about then? Apparently I'm full of shit. Hot air. I'm a sayer, not a do-er. It's all a bunch of bull to fill up the time and make myself think I'm actually going somewhere, doing something, getting healthy.

And let's be really honest here, it's not like 2004 was my FIRST attempt at losing weight. It wasn't the first time I though "gee Sarah, you may just want to drop a few". Those same thoughts had been in my head since my late teens. So, it's not just the last 6 years that I've done absolutely nothing. It goes beyond that. Far beyond that.

I put down the book. I didn't read any further. All that spirit and determination flew right out the window. and in crept the other kinds of thoughts. The negativity. Or is it simply the reality?

Here I am still today thinking "yeah, I can do this. I will do this. Not doing it is not an option. I'm on my way. This is it. I'm doing it." Who am I kidding? Myself? My readers? Nobody? You?

We all know the saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

Then again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So which am I? The one who needs to just try, try again or do I define insane to a "t"?


Anonymous said...

Maybe it's time to let go of preconceived notions of how to lose weight and try something different. Step out of your comfort zone and really challenge yourself in this! What does your doctor say?

Jessica said...

Im sorry Sarah. I relate to this post all too well. I always have a new strategy, new plan, new determination and each time...splat. Right on my face.
I wish I had the solution for both of us. Being unhappy in your own body really sucks. :(

Anonymous said...

Kate - Thanks for taking the time to comment! to answer your questions, last week was my first session with my new therapist so she hasn't really said much of anything (if that's what you mean by dr.)but the clicic she belongs to, they're definately trying something new (with the eating every 2.4 - 3 hours) that I haven't done in the past. And I'm going with it. I said when I started with this program I would try whatever that asked of me because I clearly hadn't a clue of what I was doing, so that's what I'm currently doing now.

As far as my PCP (if that's what you mean by Dr.), I've never had a GP tell me anything but "follow a 1200 calorie diet and exercise 3 - 4 times a week, good luck". That's what was so appealing to me about Dr. Phil's book, it was the first time anybody ever said "there is more to this than a + B = c.". Yes, in the end it's going to be calories in versus calories used but there is a whole slew of formula in between there to think about as well and to deal with.

As far as really challenging myself, I'm not really sure what else do to or to try. Suggestions?

Jessica - thanks for the comiseration and commenting.

Shannon said...

Here's my two cents - you have accomplished something AMAZING in the past few years. You have a daughter! Screw the weight loss baggage, your life is totally different than it was back then and you have to appreciate that!

the bonus this time is that you know you can lose the weight since you were able to do it before. Now to figure out the magic to make the weight go away ;)

(My doctors always just say the 1200 calories thing and I want to strangle them)

Good luck!

Silicon Cookware said...

Wow, Sarah, I could have written this and your response about what Medical Dr's say in regards to weight loss. I started seeing a counselor who specializes in eating disorders (in part inspired by you) because I need to fix my brain, esp. with food is concerned. I am considering WLS if that's what I need, but I refuse to have surgery if I don't fix my brain first. I'm hoping that by fixing my brain, I won't end up needing the surgery, but if I do, at least I'll know I've done everything I can do without it.

Anonymous said...

Weight isn't about what you eat or when you eat it. It's about how you feel about yourself. If you continue on a path where you need to lose the weight to feel ok, you will never be able to lose the weight permanently because you don't feel ok. It's a vicious cycle.

If you learn to love yourself as you are, you will naturally behave in more loving ways to yourself (like not fueling your body with junk). I know it sounds new-agey and silly, but you will never be free until you stop punishing yourself and start loving yourself.

Madame K said...

I have to say I agree with Anonymous. Stop trying to "fix" yourself. There is nothing "wrong" with you!

I would bet good money that if you can learn to be endlessly kind and more accepting of yourself, the disorderly eating would stop.

Here you are beating yourself up for not being able to cross "losing weight forever" off a some cosmic to-do list. It never works like that because weight-loss is not about eating. Its about the way you think.

Lately I prefer to think of weight-loss like anything else in my life I want to improve. I will work to eat healthy everyday for the rest of my life. It's never "done".