Sunday, February 11, 2007

Honest Abe

If I've tried to do anything with my blog, I've tried to keep it honest so I'm not going to stop now. Sure I could paint some pretty picture of how I've been doing this week but what good would it do me? I've never fooled myself by telling myself "gee you've worked so hard and it didn't pay off" when I really sat on my ass all week and put no effort into my weight loss or "gee you did really well with your food this week" when I really ate more than I should have.

So let's continue the honesty.

I've had a crappy week this week... in fact the past couple weeks have been tougher for me than the weeks and months past. I honestly have felt like quitting a few times. I would never quit, it's not an option... but it doesn't mean the thought doesn't sneak into my head... sometimes it even hangs out for a while.

I'm honestly tired of going to the gym. I don't dislike the gym. I actually love my weight routine and it makes me feel strong. My cardio is boring the hell out of me though and it frustrates me. I'm going to really try to mix things up a bit... maybe take a class once a week to get off the crosstrainer for a while. I have had good intentions on taking a class in the past but the class schedules never seems to coincide with my schedule and very few classes are offered in the evening.

I'm honestly tired of running around all week long and I really need a break. I work M-F 9 to 5:30 getting home at 6ish. I have classes Mon and Tues. nights from 6:45 until 10. I workout Wed-Friday and Sunday. Usually Thursday or Friday nights we go to the in-laws for dinner. That leaves maybe a Saturday free with nothing to do except grocery shopping, walking the dog, trying to spend time with my husband, writing in my blog, keeping up with e mails and maybe having a shower and shaving my legs. I have to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night or I tend to get migraines. I am too busy but at this time there isn't anything I can really give up to make my week less hectic.

I'm honestly tired of thinking about my weight all the time, thinking of what to eat all the time and thinking of how I'm going to get these last 50-ish pounds off. I am so tired of struggling and pushing myself. I am so ready for this shit to start coming more naturally for me. To be honest with myself a lot of it is coming more naturally for me, reaching for the right foods, taking the stairs but I really do struggle at times. I'm ready for that to be over. But if I'm going to be totally honest... I'm trying to undo a lifetime of bad habits, poor choices and a sedentary lifestyle. I've only been at it since July of last year... so I guess I shouldn't expect miracles at 7 months but for the love of God I'm so ready for this to be easier.

I honestly didn't even want to write this because it seems like all I've done recently on here is bitch and moan, complain and cry. I wish I could be more positive. I know there are so many people out there cheering me on, wishing me well and encouraging me but sometimes even that doesn't make me want to continue.

I honestly think my vacation in March can't come fast enough.

(and to be fully honest I really don't want to read a bunch of encouraging words from anybody. Reading a bunch of nice things about how well I've done so far and how this is a bump in the road just makes me feel like such a lame ass for even thinking the things I think.)


Anonymous said...

You're doing a horrible job at everything!

Anonymous said...

Thinking the things you, every human being thinks those things...well minus those natural athletes that like to get hot and sweaty for some reason...which to this day I don't understand, but secretly envy. I would suggest you make a rule where you keep doing what you are doing..but everytime in the day that you start thinking about weightloss you have to add on a situp at the workout...maybe that would help with you focusing too much on the unimportant stuff (such as what the scale says) and more on how great your body is feeling.

working out is great, but being consumed by it, really does suck. But, you will never forgive yourself if you don't push through it.

Anonymous said...

Is it such a bad thing to take a break for a week or two?

As for cardio, I just got "Dance Dance Revolution" for our playstation 2. I know, I'm a bit old for it, but I seriously work up a sweat and get out of breath doing it! And it's fun. No boredom here. Of course, it helps that I'm competitve and it gives me great short-term goals (I have got to get an "A" on "Girls just wanna have fun" tonight, lol.)

Amy said...

Okay, I won't be nicey-nice and sickly have a enough of that in your blogs to go back and read from! I'll just tell you my story...

After many many months of doing great, and getting to almost where I wanted to be I really started to hate it. Despise it. I hated thinking ALL the frickin' time about eating this, not eating that, getting my cardio in, getting my weight training in, getting all my water in, etc. etc. etc. I was done...I had enough. So I figured...I owed it to myself to not consume myself with all these thoughts (and actions). I was just going to not think about it for awhile. I mean I had been thinking about it, almost every single day for over a year and a half, so what's a few weeks.

Well, a few weeks felt damn good. Before I knew it, a month had passes, then two and three. Falling back into old habits is so easy to do, it doesn't take much at all. It's effortless, and most of all...comfortable. Like an old friend you haven't seen for years but you talk like it was just yesterday.

I gained back 45-50 lbs. of what I worked so hard for. It was so depressing, and I would have taken it back for anything. All my hardest days trying to stay on track didn't compare to the despair I felt having it all back on me. Now, I am still about 20 lbs. away from where I started to stray, and then I still have more to lose from there. This time around is so much harder for me. The newness of motivation wore off more quickly, and the whole process is so much slower. I wish I never let myself let go in the first place.

Just something to think about. I do, whenever I get exhausted of having to think and work at it every bloody day. No one ever told me this was going to be easy. I think it has been the hardest thing I've had to do in all my life. I hope that someday it will get easier for me, too.

Erin said...

Hey there...I've been following your blog for quite a while now because I love how open you are with sharing your journey. Makes you seems like a real person!

Honestly, I'm with you. Being busy, getting bored with the exercise/watching what you eat's just old and yuck. I've been doing it since last October, but when it feels like it's consuming your life it's hard to continue.

This too shall pass....