"Just in case" I decided to use her, she had me keep a food journal for the week, including the weekend so we could start immediately, rather than me deciding "yeah, this is going to work" and then have to journal for a week so she could see where I'm doing right and where I'm going wrong. Made sense and I liked her enthusiasm!
So I showed up to her doorstep for my appointment, well documented week worth of eating in tote and the meeting began.
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I'm a bit of a talker. I don't know if you're able to tell that through a blog though, but it's the truth. I get the gift of gab from my mother who used to make us stand in the drug store for an hour while she discussed lipstick shades with some total stranger. As kids, my sister and I just couldn't believe that she could talk to anybody so easily but she rubbed off on us because both of us girls, and even my little brother, have been blessed with the rare ability to talk to a wall. Or fire hydrant. Or rock. You know, whatever's around. I also seem to have a face that says "I'm safe, talk to me, tell me your deepest darkest secrets because I will listen and I have nothing better to do right now". You know that face there to the left.
Anyway, back to the story, so I talked her ear off, sharing many of the things that I've shared with you, my loyal reader(s), over the years. I told her of my panic-y feeling I would get in my body when I would tell myself I was "dieting". I told her my fears of never quite getting this right. The fear of passing my messed up habits onto my innocent little angel, Sadie. I shared my story of my first memorable food issue , diet's I tried in the past, what worked and didn't work for me, what I loved about my old weight training routine. We spoke of the weight loss bible and Dr. Phil's book that changed my life as well as the other doctor's I had discussed my weight with in the past... I talked and talked. Oh, occasionally I would let the woman interject her thoughts or feelings and what I was hearing, I liked. We flipped through her book that she gives her clients and I thought "okay, this is somebody who I can trust, who knows her stuff and who will hold me accountable".
And then she dropped the bomb. Oh it wasn't the price, I was well aware of the cost, of the insurance reimbursement and the balance due. It would be worth every penny. The bomb wasn't that she didn't think she could help me. It wasn't even that I has been sucked so far into the black hole of fatness, that I was so far gone, that there was just no hope (that's just silly!).
Nope, the bomb went a little something like this (45 minutes after I arrived):
her: Okay Sarah, I've been listening to what you have to say (me in my head: oh lady I have just skimmed the surface!) and I think I can help you.
her: but I'm afraid I'm not allowed to work with you alone
me: sorry? (hey lady, there is no way in hell I'm paying for two of you!)
her: by law I am not allowed to work on somebody with ________(insert Dutch word that I had never heard of) on my own, it has to be along side the help of a psychologist.
(yes, I couldn't say anything)
her: I don't have the background to consult people with __________ (insert that damned Dutch word that I still couldn't quite make out but was somewhat in a fog so I couldn't think to ask "what in the hell is that?") and the law doesn't allow me or any dietitian to work with you. ________ (there's that effin word again) blah blah blah...
I'm not sure what she said word for word because my mind was racing well ahead of our conversation. She can't help me? I finally take a step to ask for help from a professional and it's going to take more than one of them to "fix" me? I'm THAT messed up?
Finally I squeeked out "I'm sorry, but what is _________?
her: Oh sorry, ohhhh what's the word in English.... yeah, eating disorder.
me: You think I have an eating disorder?
Of course she didn't say "yes"and leave it at that, but this post is getting long and I can't pin point any other pertinent information other than those two words "eating disorder".
What's messed up the most is that I always assumed I had some sort of eating disorder but had never been diagnosed. Hell, I couldn't get a doctor to even scratch the surface as to why I was eating until I almost puked. It was like my asking them to help me with my weight was more uncomfortable to THEM than it was to me. And it's not that I wanted to wear the label of "disorderly eating" as a badge of honor or anything, but hearing it said out loud was stunning. Not in a beautiful, shiny, new diamond earrings type of stunning, but stunning in that the-girl-who-always-has-something-to-say-can't-spit-out-a-complete-thought type of way.
She's going to email me the name of a phycologist in the neighborhood that she has worked with before. And now I've had some time to mill around the idea in my head and I think the following
- she could have said "yes! I can help you" and taken my money, helped me lose weight and left it at that. Of course, if I don't deal with the root of the problem, facing that demon, then am I really being successful and, even more importantly, will it last?
- I appreciate that she took me seriously, and that she's taken the things that I've told her seriously. She was, seemingly, concerned. You can just tell that about a person, if they're bullshitting you or not.
- It makes sense to seek further professional help. I mean, I loved what Dr. Phil offered me in his book, The Ultimate Weight Solutions. It was (is) life changing and he did bring to the surface many of my issues but maybe I don't have the real capacity to work through those on my own.? (is this a question or a statement, I'm not so sure)
But honestly, I've just sort of been quiet since my appointment. I'm not sad. I'm not upset. I'm not thrilled by any means. I'm not happy. I'm not angry. I'm not anything, really. I don't have a real grasp on what I'm feeling, again I'm at a loss for words. It's a stunning revelation yet I feel a bit peaceful and a teensy bit numb.
My mind seems to be doing all the racing, considering it's 5 in the morning and here I am sitting at my kitchen table, writing in my blog. But as always with my writing, sometimes if I just get it out there, get it out of my head and down on "virtual paper" then my mind can have some peace.
The plan for now, for today, for this minute, is to continue to lose weight. To continue to do what I've been doing in the past (especially over the past week, as I've made quite a few positive changes) and to give this psychologist a ring to see what he/she has to offer.
I know this was a long post, and I appreciate it if you've read the whole thing, or hell, even just skimmed over it. I appreciate you're clicking my link and reading what I have to say every now and again. I appreciate your advice, your cheers, your information, your laughs and your valuable input. I appreciate your help. (only I could make this long post longer, right?!?!?!?)
I hope you're having healthy, successful weeks.