Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Stunned into silence, me? my weight consultant

As you know, I went to see the weight consultant last night for a feel-her-out (not to be confused with feeling her up, which is something totally different altogether), a sort of test drive. When I contacted her, I liked her tone even via email so I was looking forward to the appointment.

"Just in case" I decided to use her, she had me keep a food journal for the week, including the weekend so we could start immediately, rather than me deciding "yeah, this is going to work" and then have to journal for a week so she could see where I'm doing right and where I'm going wrong. Made sense and I liked her enthusiasm!

So I showed up to her doorstep for my appointment, well documented week worth of eating in tote and the meeting began.

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I'm a bit of a talker. I don't know if you're able to tell that through a blog though, but it's the truth. I get the gift of gab from my mother who used to make us stand in the drug store for an hour while she discussed lipstick shades with some total stranger. As kids, my sister and I just couldn't believe that she could talk to anybody so easily but she rubbed off on us because both of us girls, and even my little brother, have been blessed with the rare ability to talk to a wall. Or fire hydrant. Or rock. You know, whatever's around. I also seem to have a face that says "I'm safe, talk to me, tell me your deepest darkest secrets because I will listen and I have nothing better to do right now". You know that face there to the left.

Anyway, back to the story, so I talked her ear off, sharing many of the things that I've shared with you, my loyal reader(s), over the years. I told her of my panic-y feeling I would get in my body when I would tell myself I was "dieting". I told her my fears of never quite getting this right. The fear of passing my messed up habits onto my innocent little angel, Sadie. I shared my story of my first memorable food issue , diet's I tried in the past, what worked and didn't work for me, what I loved about my old weight training routine. We spoke of the weight loss bible and Dr. Phil's book that changed my life as well as the other doctor's I had discussed my weight with in the past... I talked and talked. Oh, occasionally I would let the woman interject her thoughts or feelings and what I was hearing, I liked. We flipped through her book that she gives her clients and I thought "okay, this is somebody who I can trust, who knows her stuff and who will hold me accountable".

And then she dropped the bomb. Oh it wasn't the price, I was well aware of the cost, of the insurance reimbursement and the balance due. It would be worth every penny. The bomb wasn't that she didn't think she could help me. It wasn't even that I has been sucked so far into the black hole of fatness, that I was so far gone, that there was just no hope (that's just silly!).

Nope, the bomb went a little something like this (45 minutes after I arrived):

her: Okay Sarah, I've been listening to what you have to say (me in my head: oh lady I have just skimmed the surface!) and I think I can help you.

me: great

her: but I'm afraid I'm not allowed to work with you alone

me: sorry? (hey lady, there is no way in hell I'm paying for two of you!)

her: by law I am not allowed to work on somebody with ________(insert Dutch word that I had never heard of) on my own, it has to be along side the help of a psychologist.


(yes, I couldn't say anything)

her: I don't have the background to consult people with __________ (insert that damned Dutch word that I still couldn't quite make out but was somewhat in a fog so I couldn't think to ask "what in the hell is that?") and the law doesn't allow me or any dietitian to work with you. ________ (there's that effin word again) blah blah blah...

I'm not sure what she said word for word because my mind was racing well ahead of our conversation. She can't help me? I finally take a step to ask for help from a professional and it's going to take more than one of them to "fix" me? I'm THAT messed up?

Finally I squeeked out "I'm sorry, but what is _________?

her: Oh sorry, ohhhh what's the word in English.... yeah, eating disorder.


me: You think I have an eating disorder?

her: Yes

Of course she didn't say "yes"and leave it at that, but this post is getting long and I can't pin point any other pertinent information other than those two words "eating disorder".

What's messed up the most is that I always assumed I had some sort of eating disorder but had never been diagnosed. Hell, I couldn't get a doctor to even scratch the surface as to why I was eating until I almost puked. It was like my asking them to help me with my weight was more uncomfortable to THEM than it was to me. And it's not that I wanted to wear the label of "disorderly eating" as a badge of honor or anything, but hearing it said out loud was stunning. Not in a beautiful, shiny, new diamond earrings type of stunning, but stunning in that the-girl-who-always-has-something-to-say-can't-spit-out-a-complete-thought type of way.

She's going to email me the name of a phycologist in the neighborhood that she has worked with before. And now I've had some time to mill around the idea in my head and I think the following

  1. she could have said "yes! I can help you" and taken my money, helped me lose weight and left it at that. Of course, if I don't deal with the root of the problem, facing that demon, then am I really being successful and, even more importantly, will it last?
  2. I appreciate that she took me seriously, and that she's taken the things that I've told her seriously. She was, seemingly, concerned. You can just tell that about a person, if they're bullshitting you or not.
  3. It makes sense to seek further professional help. I mean, I loved what Dr. Phil offered me in his book, The Ultimate Weight Solutions. It was (is) life changing and he did bring to the surface many of my issues but maybe I don't have the real capacity to work through those on my own.? (is this a question or a statement, I'm not so sure)

But honestly, I've just sort of been quiet since my appointment. I'm not sad. I'm not upset. I'm not thrilled by any means. I'm not happy. I'm not angry. I'm not anything, really. I don't have a real grasp on what I'm feeling, again I'm at a loss for words. It's a stunning revelation yet I feel a bit peaceful and a teensy bit numb.

My mind seems to be doing all the racing, considering it's 5 in the morning and here I am sitting at my kitchen table, writing in my blog. But as always with my writing, sometimes if I just get it out there, get it out of my head and down on "virtual paper" then my mind can have some peace.

The plan for now, for today, for this minute, is to continue to lose weight. To continue to do what I've been doing in the past (especially over the past week, as I've made quite a few positive changes) and to give this psychologist a ring to see what he/she has to offer.

I know this was a long post, and I appreciate it if you've read the whole thing, or hell, even just skimmed over it. I appreciate you're clicking my link and reading what I have to say every now and again. I appreciate your advice, your cheers, your information, your laughs and your valuable input. I appreciate your help. (only I could make this long post longer, right?!?!?!?)

I hope you're having healthy, successful weeks.


Metroknow said...

The "long" post was well worth the effort - it was a cliffhanger! Just goes to show that all of the "yeah well ya know it's just calories in, calories burned" simpleton solutions to weight loss are WAY off track. Much more complicated than that for many of us.

It's great that you found someone who could recognize that you might need some additional help in areas beyond nutrition - I think most of us need that in one way or another. Thanks for sharing something that is so personal - it's inspiring to think about looking at myself from that perspective as well. Thank you!

becklette said...

i mean, i don't know what YOU see here, but i see some flipping WONDERFUL news! this week is my second anniversary with dr. y and i ADORE her.

this is going to be great for you. really.

Barbara Loure` Gunn said...

Maybe it was a wake up call Sarah. My motto is if something doesn't work one way try another and another...
Sounds to me the problem is not what you eat, but why you eat it. I smoked for 40 years and hated it. 11 years ago I desperately wanted to quit, but couldn't do it alone. One night I asked God to send me someone to help me. I was led to that person almost immediately. My last cigarette was 2/24/99. Today I know I smoked because I used nicotine as a best friend. Hope my story helps.

Madame K said...

I agree with Becklett. This is great news! It means that you're on the right path to FINALLY getting the real help you need!

I know it's been hard for you to get this far, so A+ to you. Now, Take the next step!

Joy said...

I agree, I think it's wonderful that she was so truthful and upfront about it. Like metroknow, I don't think the simple in-out, what-you-eat, how-active mantras work for all or even most people. And I don't think it's just overweight or underweight people that can have these emotional issues with food.

Anyway, I don't think I've ever commented here before but I've been following your blog for quite awhile. I greatly appreciate all the things you share. Including you not knowing how to really process or take this. That's a perfectly normal response and more truthful than most people would say or realize.

Island Mama said...

I came across your blog a while back and just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your honesty and sense of humor. I agree with everyone...this is good news. How great that you've found someone who recognizes those underlying issues and will be honest with you. It's a lot to take in..thanks for sharing your experience

Deirdre said...

I got chills reading the post! I think this is going to be truly life changing for you. I am happy for you and sending you good thoughts and luck! You can do it.

~Jess said...

It's nice to have an answer and a direction to move forward in...hopefully these two doctors will be able to put you on the path :-)