I'm at a loss... but not for words!

I'm at a loss, of 1.3 kilos this week or 2.86 lbs! Man, that was just beautiful and reaffirming to see on the scale this morning. I have not been "perfect" with my eating, and that's a good thing because I'm not striving for perfection, just to be better, but I have been really kicking some tail with my workout regime and seeing the scale haul ass as much as I have been really feels fantastic.

I've been working out with my personal trainer, aka my Wii Fitness Coach, for 30 minutes every other day for the past week and a half or so and those workouts have been killer. It's nice to have the affirmation from the scale (even though I know it isn't my focus) that I am doing something right!

That makes a 6.6 kilo or 14.5 lb total loss so far. Feels good not only to have the loss but to feel like I'm making so many small, positive changes in my life in order to get healthy.

Now that is the way you want to start off your Monday! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

A quick catch up before the weekend...

Today was another workout day for me and once again I chose my Wii Fitness Coach as my tool-o-torture. I did this same workout for the first time on Wednesday and 6 minutes into it I was ready to die. You remember, I just blogged about it two posts down. :o)

Anyway, I knew that this time it was going to be "easier" or at least I woudn't feel like throwing in the towel quite as early into the workout. I've been here before, the first time you do something new is always the worst and it quickly gets easier but I was still really glad when I didn't want to die until 20 minutes into a 30 minute routine, so well done me!

I've been more hungry than usual over the past two days for some reason although I haven't changed my eating habits. I am still eating on schedule and the same foods that I've been eating for weeks. Not sure what the deal is there. It makes me kind of nervous because what I don't want to happen is this continues and I end up in a calorie infested binge. And I know it's hunger, actual real hunger, because I'm drinking plenty of water and my tummy is actually growling.

I've also had a hell of a lot of heartburn lately. I haven't had to take medicine for my acid reflux in ages, literally years, but suddenly it's been creeping up on me again. I am not eating acidic foods or anything that would generally scream "heartburn" and the only thing I can think of that I changed since it started happening was I greatly increased my water intake. Surely water wouldn't cause me heart burn? I'm almost afraid to google it. I've been popping tums a couple of times a day to get rid of it but I may have to call up the doctor and ask for some more Rx meds if it continues to be a problem.

Part of my goal is to start cooking more "from scratch" meals and including Sadie in the preparation. It's not that we're eating frozen dinners chock full of sodium or anything of that sort but the grocey store here offers a lot of fresh, prepackaged meals and we turn to those a lot due to scheduling and wanting to spend some play time with the kiddo after a 40 hour work week (which is a lot for a mom of a 2.5 year old, according to Dutch standards, but seems pretty typical for all my Americans out there). So, if you have any quick, easy, tasty recipes that you're just dying to share or you think we'd enjoy, feel free to pass them along! I'm going to check out some of those blogs I have over there to the right too, to get some inspiration. I enjoy cooking and preparing meals but I just don't want to give up my kiddo time, hence the importance on recipes she can help out with, you know, washing a tomato or pepper, stirring, whatever she can do.

So that's the it of it for today! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Before and After... and before again

Back in '06 - 07' before I was blessed with my gorgeous daughter, I had dropped 70 pounds and for those of you who have followed me since be beginning will recognize this "before" picture. That's me, Dec 2006.

This is me in May 2010 in the Canary Islands so "after" my glorious birth (yeah, almost 2 years after) and slipping back into my old habits. Here I am about 5 pounds lighter than I am today, so it's a pretty fair picture to use.

So, today, I am printing out my "before" picture to hang on my white board next to my goals. I bet you're not going to find many bloggers who want to be the before picture again! I think the visual of what I have accomplished in the past and what I still can accomplish now will be a positive reinforcement of the changes I am making.

Holy Moses That Hurts!

So part of the plan is to exercise four times a week, every week. I've got a Nintendo wii with three fitness related games, Just Dance 2, Wii Fit and a Wii Fitness Coach. I also have a Zumba DVD set that I got off the local teleshopping network here, so I have a plethora of things to get my heart rate up. When you're 290 pounds, it really doesn't take all that much.

For the last 2 or 3 weeks I've been sticking to the Just Dance game. It's a lot of fun. I sweat. I enjoy it and I'm so competitive that I have to have the high score in every single song. But, the downside to that game is you can get lazy and still score points just by moving your arms. (don't get me wrong, it's a great arm workout!)

After this weeks weigh-in and only dropping a little over 2 pounds (yeah, I know, poor use of the word "only") I thought I should really step up my workouts and see how it goes in the next two weeks, if I could really made a bigger "dent" in my goal. You know, really challenge myself with my workouts.

So tonight, just 30 minutes ago, I did my wii Fitness Coach game (yeah, right, game). I set myself a 30 minute workout (20 is the lowest time choice you have) and pushed "start".

Six minutes into the thing I was already certain I was going to die. Visions of Marco coming home from work to find me on the floor, wii remote in hand, fitness coach (aka devil woman) still chirping "come on I want you to really push yourself" playing in the background ran through my head. I hurt. A lot.

Low and behold, I didn't die and the 13 minute mark popped up. Almost halfway there and my heart was still beating. I knew that because I could literally see it in front of me, beating out of my chest, cartoon character style. thump thump thump thump.

I had made it halfway though and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to make it all the way through! The workout ended with some stretches on the floor. I wanted to kiss the Coach when she sat down. Whew. Embrace the cool down, no problemo!

When she finally told me "time's up, well done, you're awesome" and all those other cheesy things that video games tell you I crawled over to where my phone was and sent Marco a simple text message. It read "that hurt".

I did it though. I made it through all 30 tortureous minutes of the routine. It seriously kicked my ample rear all over the place but I did it. I'm really pretty proud of myself and I know that that next time it'll be easier. I'll let you know on Friday how true that really is!

Hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Some changes I've noticed

Since devising my "plan of action" and writing it out, I've noticed a few changes in myself:

• I have a "spring" in my attitude and my step. I no longer am worrying "how am I going to do this". I'm no longer overwhelmed with the daunting task of losing weight. I have a plan. Yeah, it make need tweaked now and again, but it is a firm plan that I can follow and refer to and so that takes out all of the guess work. Being bogged down by thoughts of weight loss can really consume you (me) so just getting that plan out there has helped me lighten the mental load of weight loss.
• I feel like I have more energy. The reason for this is twofold. One, because I am eating 5-6 times a day, timed every 2-3 hours, small meals/snacks, which keeps my bloodsugar level, making me feel better and more energized. Also, since throwing exercise in the mix I have all of those little endorphins running around my head making me feel naturally, better.
• I'm becoming a bit more adventurous with my cooking and trying out new recipes! Some have been good. Some have sucked eggs, but just doing something new and fresh in the kitchen makes me happy!

It hasn't been all easy going though. It never is, is it?

Yesterday I had a headache all day and for some reason that made me feel like eating. Okay, not eating so much as binging. I just wanted something, anything, to help me feel better and so my body naturally (to me at least) wanted to turn to food. But was food really the answer? Of course not. The worse I felt, the more I wanted to binge though.

My colleague had a very nice, big box of chocolates sitting on her desk. I had had two of those chocolates the other day, from this very box and they were good. Very good. I plotted in my head how I could take them, run and hide and gobble them all up until I was sick to my stomach. I could eat them all. My boss has the same box on his desk. I could take his too. Then I could really eat some chocolate. MMMMM Chocolate. Chocolate until I am sick. (and yes, it looks strange typed out there for the world to read, but this is what my body was feeling, I WANTED to be sick from eating chocolate, that was supposed to make my feel better).

I have seen this side of myself before. It's not pretty and it can get even uglier. There were a couple things that stood out to me though:

• I didn't just want to help myself to a couple of the chocolates I wanted the whole box and then the second box. Why wouldn't two or even three little chocolates have been enough?  
• I looked forward to feeling sick from eating them. Seriously, that is when I would have felt "satisfied", when I felt physically sick.
• I wanted to hide and eat them, not from fear of being caught with them, but more from embarrassment of somebody seeing me eat them.

I didn't steal her chocolates in the end. I didn't steal the other box either. I didn't binge at all, as a matter of fact, but that urge was so real and I don't know why I think or feel that way. I went over the whole thing in my head this morning on my way to work, when I was feeling better, and I don't really get it. I don't know why I associate feeling sick or stuffed to the point of sickness as a positive thing. I'm going to really discuss this with Dewy on Thursday and see what she has to say about it.

On a lighter note... and I do mean "lighter note"... yesterday was my weigh in day and I dropped a little over 2 pounds (1.2 kilos) from last weeks weight in! I updated my stats there to the right ----->. What a way to start the week! I'm throwing my Wii Fitness Coach into my exercise routine this week and I'm curious to see if I can keep up with a 30 minute routine.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Honeymooning (aka Will Power)

Honeymooning and willpower are kind of synonymous when it comes to weight loss. In the beginning I felt like I'm was in the "honeymoon" phase of my lifestyle change. I was loving it, I was seeing it through rose colored glasses, I was like a kid on Christmas morning who just ripped open a toy store full of gifts and wanted to play with every single one at once. Right now (still honeymooning) all is good, I'm right minded for the most part and I'm feeling positive. The workouts are fansatic and fun and I'm actually looking forward to doing them. I'm honeymooning with my lifestyle change.

Similarly, willpower gives me that "warm fuzzy feeling". I can wake up and know I'm going to make good choices. I have the will power to tell my colleague "no thanks, I don't want that brownie" all three times she tries to shove them down my throat. Willpower gives me that spring in my step when I walk past the cafeteria and sit down with my prepacked lunch instead. Willpower is and can be a very positive thing.

BUT

Eventually the honeymoon is over and you have to get back to reality and normal life. Those new workout videos don't stay new forever. Those brownies may not always take "no" for answer if you're depending on willpower to get you through it. The eliptical machine is now another piece of gym equiptment, not the knight in shining armor it presented itself as in the beginning. So what do you do then? What do you do when you're on the flight back home from your honeymoon? What do you do when willpower has petered out and it's just you in the battle?

You get a plan. You make a solid plan and you put it into action. You figure out how you're going to deal with it once the lifestyle change starts farting and leaving its dirty socks in the middle of the floor, 3 feet away from the laundry hamper. You have it not only in your head, but in your direct line of vision where you can see it, read it, know it and do it.

When willpower is sitting in the recliner, hogging the remote, tempting you with just one more hour of "reality" you have a plan for yourself.

My plan of action is in the form of a list of ten things I could do instead of sitting and watching television, which sucks you in like a vacuum. They include things like walking the dog, painting my nails, doing a load of laundry, reading a book, writing an email, putting in an exercise game on the Wii and going to town.

My plan includes setting myself up for success by keeping foods that are temptresses where they belong, on the shelf in the grocery store and not in my cupboard.

My plan includes setting small goals for myself and keeping a chart of the ones I achieve. Some small goals I like to give myself stickers for (yeah, I still get excited by the gold star system) are things like taking the stairs at work, eating fish at least three times a week, drinking water throughout the day and keeping myself down to one diet coke a day. Setting these small little goals and watching myself earn those stars can be very motivating!
Now I'm curious to hear about your plan of actions. What are your "tricks of the trade". How do you get up when willpower has you down? How do you get yourself back into that honeymoon spirit?

Total Disconnect

Sometimes in weight loss you have a total disconnect between what you want yourself to think and feel and what you actually do think and feel, even if you know it's not the "right way" of thinking. I'll give ya a big "for instance".

For instance, tomorrow is Monday and my weigh in day for my new plan. Last week, if you remember, I gained a little, but knew that I was bloated and retaining water and that's actually a very valid, justified reason to not see the scale budge and I knew that this week would be different. Even if it isn't different I have done really, really well over the past month so it shouldn't be a big deal, right? The point of all of this is not to see the scale go down in numbers, although this is a awesome side effect, the point of all of this is to get healthy, make better habits, learn some things and just be an all around healthier, happier, less food obsessed person.

So that's what I "know".

Here is where the total disconnect comes in. I am so petrified of what I am going to see on the scale tomorrow. I know I shouldn't be and I know it shouldn't matter and I know eventually the numbers will catch up with the healthy changes that I am making but I am just leg-shaking-pee-in-my-pants nervous. Do I expect a huge "Biggest Loser" sized loss? Heck no! I expect to lose roughly 2 pounds, one being from water-retention-gone-south and the other pound from effort, so why the total disconnect between what I know and what I feel? (I don't have an answer here, but feel free to shout one out if you do)

In the end, it doesn't matter if I need to flip the scale the bird tomorrow or if I will jump for joy, I'm just going to keep going. No matter what, I'm just going to keep plugging along, losing this weight one pound at a time, so who really cares what the scale is going to say?

Well, I do!

I have all of these non-weight loss related goals that I've made, like drinking a liter more water per day, eating fish three times a week, sticking to my exercise goals (within a certain percentage)... I have all of this but in the end, to me, the number is important. It just is.

The Weight Loss Bible (Dr. Phíl's The Ultimate Weight Loss Solutions) says that you have to set solid, tangible, realistic, achievable weight loss goals and that includes weighing yourself so you know where you stand. At my DEWY appointments (I have some new readers I see, so Dewy stands for Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) I weigh in every visit, first thing. Every Monday I am weighing myself to write it down on my board to see my progression from the previous week. So how am I supposed to change the way I feel about the numbers, when so many parts of what I am doing seems to be focused on them (again, I don't have the answer here).

I can only guess that, in time, the positive changes that I am making will take over that number oriented section of my brain that nervously nibbles its nails when weigh in time comes around. We will see. Until then... I'll dream about tomorrow's weigh-in, about the possible out comes and, regardless, keep on keepin on.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks! Check back tomorrow for the "official results".

Weight Loss is flipping me the bird

So after a fantastic week of eating well, exercising on my self-proclaimed schedule, drinking loads of water, making right choices and just over all feeling fantastical about my abilities I stepped on my scale for my first official "here I am again" weigh-in and *drrruuummm rolllllll pleeeeeeaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee***

I gained. WTF @$!#@%@$!$

My scale flipped me the weight loss bird.

Minutes later good ole Aunt Flo knocked on the door.

I flipped her the bird.

So after all the bird flipping that went on in my house on a Monday morning within 10 minutes of my feet hitting the floor, I had a little cry, got a little pep talk from my husband and decided "what the hell, I know in another week the numbers will change because I've been doing this for AGES".

And it's true. In all of the time that I have been losing weight and working at this there has been one constant. The week that I am blessed with my period I always weight more, anywhere from 2-4 pounds more, than I will the following week. Gotta love water retention and bloating. Thanks Mommy Nature. Here's a bird for you.

So I went from 132.4 kilos (291.28 pounds) to 132.9 (292.38 lbs) so +1.1 lb.

Now that it's sunk in and I've had time to be rational about it (you know, AFTER I've had a cup of freaking coffee) I'm kind of excited to see what next week will bring. I know by next Monday that my bloating will be gone, so there's some weight, and in addition, I'll have all of the extra work that I've put into it this week, so I'm looking forward to something positive.

And if it's not, I've got a few more birds I can hand out along with this sweet message for those extra pounds...

I AIN'T QUITTING SO YOU CAN HANG OUT AS LONG AS YOU WANT BUT NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL BEAT YOU!!!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

You know what?

You know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of feeling positively crummy about my weight.

Ya know what else? I'm tired of the dread that I feel when I have to choose a meal or think about food.

And guess what? I'm sick of feeling schlumpy (yes, that's a word, and if it isn't I'm sure you all know exactly what it means, regardless).

and another thing... I'm tired of feeling bogged down by the emotional baggage that comes along with all things "weight loss" related.

I'm just sick of it all. I am sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.


Sick.

So I'm changing it.

Enough is enough and this chick's had it. I'm moving forward. I guess it's a "do over" or maybe it's a continuation... whatever it is, whatever label you want to stick on it... I'm doing it... again.

I have a plan in action. It's a real, tangible, written down, visible plan, all telling, goal oriented plan and it's been launched into action (last Monday) and I'm not even going to say something like "so far so good" because that implies that this plan may not work... but really... it's almost fool proof.

It all started with a white board, you know the ones that you can write on with erasable marker and it comes off. Well my white board is actually silver but it serves the same purpose, only in a prettier fashion. So i got this white board and it's divided into weeks... 7 of them... so 49 days worth of plan at a time.

I decided how many times a week I wanted to work out and I wrote those days on the board for the entire 7 weeks. As it ends up, I will work out 28 out of the 49 days. I draw a little star on the days that I actually do exercise according to plan. At the end of the month, if I have worked out enough to make 85% of my target I have succeeded. This leaves me a little room for error, sick days, "screw it" days and "my child is teething and not sleeping and I cannot move" days (which I'm having today, although I did exercise anyway) but still keeps me under tight enough reins that I can't be a total slacker in the least. So I am setting myself up for success by not expecting me to be 100% perfect. That's seriously important, not to strive for perfection because it's unachievable in anything you do, not just weight loss. And when I say things like "in anything YOU do" I am talking about ME.

Next to my star I have another visible reminder... it's the smiley face. For every day that my eating is 90% on target I get a smiley face. And like the stars, at the end of the month if I have eating well enough to make 85% of my target for eating, I have succeeded.

If both categories are a success, I get a reward. I'll choose the reward at the end of the 49 days. It will be something splurge worthy, you know the norms, massage, shoes, handbag, class, day out with the girls... something... If only one category is a success I will get a less fancy schmancy reward, because, afterall, it's still a success and deserves to be recognized!

I also wrote down my starting weight and will weigh in every week like I have been since... well... let's not get into how long I've been at this.

This white-board-that-is-silver is in my line of vision each and every day, multiple times a day. It's a wonderful reminder without being a screaming reminder of "OMG I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT" like I know other people have used (meaning, a horribly bad picture of them taken at the worst moment, at the worst angle, making them look like they swallowed Shamu).

I've devided my exercise into four forms, wii Just Dance 2, wii Fitness, wii, Fitness coach and Zumba. To be considered a successful workout it needs to be at least 30 minutes long.

And you know what?

I'm loving it.

and guess what else?

I'm loving feeling back in control.

and one last thing...

quitting is not an option. It never has been, it never will be. I will do this. I will. 100% do this.