Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Some changes I've noticed

Since devising my "plan of action" and writing it out, I've noticed a few changes in myself:

  • I have a "spring" in my attitude and my step. I no longer am worrying "how am I going to do this". I'm no longer overwhelmed with the daunting task of losing weight. I have a plan. Yeah, it make need tweaked now and again, but it is a firm plan that I can follow and refer to and so that takes out all of the guess work. Being bogged down by thoughts of weight loss can really consume you (me) so just getting that plan out there has helped me lighten the mental load of weight loss.
  • I feel like I have more energy. The reason for this is twofold. One, because I am eating 5-6 times a day, timed every 2-3 hours, small meals/snacks, which keeps my bloodsugar level, making me feel better and more energized. Also, since throwing exercise in the mix I have all of those little endorphins running around my head making me feel naturally, better.
  • I'm becoming a bit more adventurous with my cooking and trying out new recipes! Some have been good. Some have sucked eggs, but just doing something new and fresh in the kitchen makes me happy!

It hasn't been all easy going though. It never is, is it?

Yesterday I had a headache all day and for some reason that made me feel like eating. Okay, not eating so much as binging. I just wanted something, anything, to help me feel better and so my body naturally (to me at least) wanted to turn to food. But was food really the answer? Of course not. The worse I felt, the more I wanted to binge though.

My colleague had a very nice, big box of chocolates sitting on her desk. I had had two of those chocolates the other day, from this very box and they were good. Very good. I plotted in my head how I could take them, run and hide and gobble them all up until I was sick to my stomach. I could eat them all. My boss has the same box on his desk. I could take his too. Then I could really eat some chocolate. MMMMM Chocolate. Chocolate until I am sick. (and yes, it looks strange typed out there for the world to read, but this is what my body was feeling, I WANTED to be sick from eating chocolate, that was supposed to make my feel better).

I have seen this side of myself before. It's not pretty and it can get even uglier. There were a couple things that stood out to me though:
  • I didn't just want to help myself to a couple of the chocolates I wanted the whole box and then the second box. Why wouldn't two or even three little chocolates have been enough?  
  • I looked forward to feeling sick from eating them. Seriously, that is when I would have felt "satisfied", when I felt physically sick.
  • I wanted to hide and eat them, not from fear of being caught with them, but more from embarrassment of somebody seeing me eat them.
I didn't steal her chocolates in the end. I didn't steal the other box either. I didn't binge at all, as a matter of fact, but that urge was so real and I don't know why I think or feel that way. I went over the whole thing in my head this morning on my way to work, when I was feeling better, and I don't really get it. I don't know why I associate feeling sick or stuffed to the point of sickness as a positive thing. I'm going to really discuss this with Dewy on Thursday and see what she has to say about it.

On a lighter note... and I do mean "lighter note"... yesterday was my weigh in day and I dropped a little over 2 pounds (1.2 kilos) from last weeks weight in! I updated my stats there to the right ----->. What a way to start the week! I'm throwing my Wii Fitness Coach into my exercise routine this week and I'm curious to see if I can keep up with a 30 minute routine.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!


Ms.Wax said...

I've been following your blog for years, though I never comment here. I used to see you on the nest (we both had babies around the same time). I really identify with your need to binge to the point of feeling sick, and with hiding to do it. I've done it too.

I think it's wonderful that you are able to identify these feelings before you act on them. I've lost weight simply (but it's never really simple, right?) by avoiding eating "in secret." If I want to eat that snack, I allow myself to do it...in public, with friends or my husband. I avoid trips to the grocery store or drugstore alone, because I know I will buy junk food that I will eat alone in my car, because if no one sees it, it doesn't count. I'm not always successful, but I've worked hard to change this mindset, and when I stick to it, I keep the weight off.

Good luck in your weight loss journey. You have a lot of courage to put it all out there. Food is like any other addiction...one day at time.

Weighing in w/ my .02 said...

Ms Wax I don't know where to begin! Firstly thank you for reading me for so long and sticking by me! Secondly thank you for the encouraging words! Thirdly, thanks for coming out of the .02 closet and validating me! It's good to know that I am doing this for a very valid reason!

thank you so much! Please, feel free to comment anytime!

Peter said...

You do know the taste of chocolate? How it melts in your mouth... and the bitter after taste after you've swallowed? Good!

That's all you're getting for today and it has no calories!

That's Will Power too!