Monday, March 07, 2011

Oh how I want to be inspiring...

Oh how I want to be inspiring with this post but jeezopete I am just not feeling it. It's not gonna happen. It's just not. And that's okay. This blog has never been about me being miss merry sunshine blowing smoke up your wazoo to make you think this is simple, easy, fun, perfect or great (although many times it is every single one of those things).

Nothing is "wrong" per say, I'm just feeling very overwhelmed at this moment. This would be a moment when I would also feel the need to binge. On everything. And anything. Especially sweets. Pie, by the pie load. Cakes, by the layers. Brownies by the pan. These are my "go to" binge foods. Or at least they were.

But I'm not going to do that this time around. I may not eat perfectly but I refuse to binge. I'm just so ready to be "done" with that whole cycle, that I just stubbornly refuse to do it anymore. No more stuffing myself sick because I've had a rotten (ROTTEN) day at work. No more eating until I feel like throwing up (and then thinking "well, maybe I should make myself throw up"). No more. I'm just ready to never go down that road again. I'm ready to look behind me and wave "so long sucka" to that person on that wickedly addictive path. I'm ready and I will have to admit, it is largely attributed to my sessions with Dewy and the progress I have been making there. This is how I felt when I stopped smoking too (back in 2004). I was just fed up with it and I was ready to be done. I haven't had a single cigarette since and I'm done binging. I'm calling it quits. I didn't think I would ever feel this way in my entire life but I really feel kind of "over it".

I'm not claiming total victory over every facet of the mental weight loss game but I'm pretty sure that I've won this round.  Sarah 1  - Binge 0.

And this would typically be a moment when I would stop exercising because all I really want to do it snuggle up in bed and be "unbusy". After a long, mentally challenging day the last thing I want to do is come home and sweat my guts out, listen to that Fitness Coaches witty banter as she tries to prod me into one more round of kicks, squats or jumping jacks and work out. That "just do it' is something I still need to master.

Luckily tonight was my night off but I'm wondering, if tomorrow is a repeat of today, will I really come home and sweat? I would love to say "heck yeah you will Sarah, you can do it, think of all of those lovely endorphins running through your veins making you feel like a bazillion bucks" but right now, what I'm really thinking is "yeah, I'm totally not moving tomorrow". It's almost claiming defeat before I'm really defeated.

Maybe I'll make a deal with myself (I do this quite often, the voices in my head love to gamble) and say that tomorrow if I am still feeling lousy, I can work out for only 15 minutes but I have to at least do those 15. I can totally live with that. It's not being totally schleppy (yes, that's a word, in my vocab at least) or letting myself totally off of the hook but it's also not being an exercise Nazi. Win-win, no?

And, I know myself well enough to know that if I do 15 minutes of it, about 6 minutes into the whole sweaty mess I'll start to feeling good and continue on for at least 30 minutes. Even as I type this one side of me is saying "you're sooooo not doing more than 15 minutes" but you know, if I don't, that's really okay. Because I said it is. And I am the boss of me.

Let's hope today is not a repeat and  that whole thing becomes a totally moot point (moot was for you Keith!).

I hope you're all having healthy, successful and inspiring weeks!


Beginning Anew said...

I wish I could remember this quote, I think it may be based in biblical text, but it goes something like this,

Let tomorrow take care of itself, today has enough trouble for today.

hang in there, we are all bringing different things to the table - some of us are encouragers and some of us are realists... ect. You were my very first blog to read and I appreciate you sooo much! I hate that you had a bad day but I am glad you took binge off the menu! That in itself - is a huge accomplishment! Godspeed!


Gracie said...

Good job fighting the binge!!! That's a huge victory if you ask me :)