and breathe...(swearing used, be forwarned)

Before I do anything this morning, before I check my email, before I see what happened on facebook, before all of that stuff, I wanted to come here and jot down some thoughts that went through my head on my way to work this morning. I have turned off the comments for this post because, well honestly, because I can't stand the thought of one more person cheering me on when I don't feel cheer worthy. I don't feel like reading supportive comments, seeing "tough love" or any of that. I don't want your advice (not that I don't appreciate it) I just want to get my thoughts out there and move on. Ready or not, here it comes.

I feel panicked. I feel anxious. I feel imobilized. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have multiple personalities. I feel happy in probably 4 or 5 sides of my life because there are a hundred things going perfectly right-on with it and I am very excited about those aspects but there is always this voice inside of me, whispering to me constantly, sometimes shouting, teasing, taunting me about my weight and casting a shadow on what should be a very joyous time in my life.

I am overwhelmed by my thoughts about losing weight, not losing weight, food, good foods, bad foods, sugar, carbs, eating clean, can I do it, why am I eating that, stop doing that, you did it again, God you suck, that's not okay, don't let them see you eat that, stop Sarah stop!

I feel in the verge. One the verge of what, I don't know, but I just feel on the verge. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. There isn't enough money in the bank. There aren't enough clothes in my closet to fit this body that won't leave me tugging at them every time I stand up. There aren't enough (any) shoes to fit my swollen feet that aren't going to leave me hobbling at the end of the day. I walk like a 80 year old woman. I am 33.

I can't explain what happened after I had Sadie, almost two years ago now. All the motivation, empowerment, energy, life... all of the things I had and felt when I had lost those 70 pounds, there hiding from me. I used to stand in the mirror, NAKED, flex my newfound muscles with my husband doingt he same right beside me, and be proud of what I had accomplished. But I don't even feel like I did before I lost that weight. I feel "different" now, worse off, sadder, defeated, more confused, more lost, more like I can't do this. Not again. Now now. Not with this life. I don't feel like me. At all.

I feel fake. People I see every day have no idea what's happening in my head. No idea. Even my husband has no clue what I'm saying to myself and what kind of torture I am putting myself through mentally or what I'm really feeling. Nobody knows how I feel on the verge of purging every emotional atom in my body, full force, into the toilet and giving up on this resigning to the fact that I am just always going to be so uncomfortable in my body. I'm sitting here, working, doing everything I should be doing on the outside. I go to lunch, I eat, we chat, I go home, tell about my day, cook meals, give Sadie her bath and seem calm, normal but on the inside I am not feeling that way at all.

I've even been telling myself that I deserve to be this way. It's such a fucked up way of thinking that I can't even type it out here to make it clear but when I eat something that I know I shouldn't be indulging in, usually in large quantities, afterwards I even tell myself that I deserve to be punished with my body. "thats what you get" I tell myself but I have no idea for what? That's what I get for what, Sarah?

I feel alone in understanding me but nobody else could possibly get this. I can barely understand me let alone expect anybody else to get it.

All I can do it breathe. Keep on going and hope. I don't even know what to hope for anymore, really.


*********************************************************
since posting this, I looked back in my mobile call log and realized that the Disordely Eating Center was supposed to call me 3 weeks ago to set up an appointment. So I called them to see what was going on (if you don't remember or are new to my blog, firstly appologies for the bright and cheerful 1st post you're reading and secondly, I have been diagnosed as having an eating disorder and am seeking treatment at a local center which has a 8 week waiting list to get an appointment) and they claimed they were going to call me today or tomorrow, which is still 3 weeks later than I was told originally. So now I have my first appointment set up for July 29th, a whopping 4 months after my referal reached their door. No use in being bitter about it now, just have to wait it out and hang in there until then.

whole lotta nuttin going on

I don't even know how to put it into words. Not trying to be dramatic here, just really at a loss as to what to "update" as to where I am right now in the weight loss world. Well, I guess a good start is my weight, right? Well I'm still at 129kilos, same place I was many moons ago. Many many moons ago.

I'm still unsure as to what path I'm going to take to get myself going here. Yeah, I'm going to go to the Disorderly Eating place and talk about my feelings and all of that head stuff, but it's not like I'm going to walk in and ***woooooooooshhh*** things are going to change. I'm going to have to make other changes and I just don't feel up to the challenge right now. Yesterday, I felt fantastic, today I don't feel up for it. This is life. This is life regardless of if you're trying to lose weight, get a new job, have a kid, sell a book... no matter what else you're trying to do, you're always going to have these fantastic energetic "take on the world" days and other days where "meh, I don't have to get out of bed" becomes your motto.

I have been drinking water more often and making healthier choices for breakfast and lunch but it's those evenings... those long, drawn out, tired evenings that get me. But I don't have to tell you guys this, you know it already. You've read it already, you've experienced it yourselves some of you, you know the punchline before the joke is even told.

That's why I'm not really sure what to update because it's all pretty much been said. I'm not reinventing the wheel here.

Surely I'll feel some inspirtation to blog something better, more positive, more enlightening, more ANYTHING in the next couple of days. Surely, right?

I've been trying to find time to update all week long but every time I'd go to log in I'd get distracted by something or another and never quite make it here to post. So now that Sadie thinks 5 AM is a good time to wake up every morning, at the buttcrack of dawn, I have no excuses and no distractions, well unless you count the Teletubbies, but I can ignore their uh-ohhhing long enough to write a post, surely.

There isn't much change from my last post actually. Still no news from the Disorderly Eating Shrinkage people. I'll give them another two weeks before I start harrassing them. I've started, once again, eating healthier at work, choosing the salad bar over the hot food bar. I've noted that the evenings, which didn't used to be a problem at all for me, are now the enemy. Exhaustion from work and being a Mom to a kid who still doesn't sleep well make any sort of function in the evenings... well impossible isn't the right word... but it sure doesn't make it easy, for lack of a better word coming to mind at this time of day without and coffee in my veins, to have energy left to exercise.

I've been on a cake baking and decorating kick (okay it's an obsession) lately and that's actually been a positive thing for me, which seems totally backwards, but hey, it's me, what did you expect? So rather than baking cakes, filling cakes and frosting cakes causing me to eat aforementioned cake, it actually does quite the opposite. All of the planning, mixing, getting-it-so-so, reading up on how-to, watching video's on fondant, all of this cake stuff takes my mind off of food, the usual food that I would be mindlessly grazing on, snacking on and eating for no reason. I am so excited to be creating something, even if it is just a cake, that I don't just sit and snack. Yay!

It's a big lesson shoved right under my nose. Yes, that's a lesson I smell, not cake baking, although the key lime cake I am making for Marco for Father's Day did smell divine. Anyway, that lesson, the lesson that if I have something planned to do then I tend not to eat as much rather than when I have no plans and sit around to "relax". It also shows that when I am eating in the evening it is more out of boredom than hunger. Yeah, well no huge epiphany there but still, you can't help but look at the facts when they're glaring at you.

I just remembered the other day that I have a wii fit fitness coach workout game thingy and I am going to start using that. Hell, since I'm up at 5 AM anyway, it gives me a couple more hours to fit in some sort of exercise right? Well, that's what I'm saying right now, but how I'm feeling at 5 AM certainly isn't anything like exercise, it's more like the exorcist.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

oh and I haven't broken up with Dr. Phil, we're just on a break. I am planning on taking him to the Disoerdely Eating Shrinkage people though, if I ever get to go.

I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this post so please accept my early apologies if I am all over the place or no place at all.

Since back from vacation a whole lot of nothing has been happening in the weight loss world. I was talking to my gal pal Becklette (over there on the left, check her blog out, it's good stuff) telling (read: whining) her how I don't know why I'm not really doing anything about my eating or exercise or anything at all, I'm just not, and she made a very keen observation. She pointed out that I'm not doing anything because I'm waiting around for this damn Disorderly Eating place to call me for my first appointment. Yeah, that makes sense. That seems like something I would do. I love when people don't bullshit me and tell me like it really is, and for that, Becklette, I love ya! I mean it makes no logical sense to wait for these people to call me for an appointment because it's not like they're going to get me in and my life will change automatically. I'm still going to have to do all of the hard work that I did before so why in the world am I hanging out pretending that this fairy godmother of a councilor is going to change my world? Meh, no clue.

In the meanwhile I've been tossing the idea of surgery around in my head. And put away your soap boxes, there is no need to preach about how "surgery is a very serious step" and "do you know the risks" and all the other crap that goes along with it. Yes, I know, yes I've done reading up, the good, the bad, the scary, the deathly scary, the ugly, the whole sha-bang-a-lang and the bottom line for me is, if I did, by some miracle, have any sort of money to put towards weight loss surgery of any kind, be it lap band, lipo (which I know isn't for MAJOR suckage of fat), staples and the likes, when all was said and done, I would be in the same place, mentally, that I'm in now and I would hate to put my body (and my family) through that if I would be at a high risk for gaining the weight back.

But in my wishful mind I think to myself, "self, if you ever lost all of the weight, via surgery you would have a clean slate and there is just no way you would ever do to your new body what you did to this pre-surgical body."

but then I say to myself "self, you did lose over 70 pounds before and yeah, so you got pg, but since then you packed on even more weight and are creeping up on your all time highest adult weight again, which is not a good thing. at all."

So it's a back and forth battle. If I were to rub my lamp and, besides getting rid of that layer of dust, a genie came out and granted me a new rocking bod (okay, so even a semi-decent bod) the very next morning, would I really be able to keep it? Would being the "do over" card be enough to keep me on track, be mindful, exercise and really take care of myself the way I need and DESERVE to be taken care of?

I like to think the answer to that question is a big fat "HELL YEAH". I guess I'll never know though. It's all hard work, exercise, a healthy diet and lots of head work that's going to end up putting me in that rockin bod I so desire. I just hope I get there before I'm 40.

Tweet Tweet, the Canary's were fantastic!

So sorry I forgot to post before I left for vacation! I did weigh in, however, and there really wasn´t that much to say. I had made a goal to drop roughly 11 pounds before my vacation, just as a fun little goal, and alas, I didn´t drop a pound. Not one single pound. It´s typical me, when I have a deadline, weight loss related, I tend to binge my way out of success every time. This is something I hope to work out with the therapist if they ever call me to make my appointment.

We did have a wonderful time in the Canary Islands (Lanzarote was the island we went to) and I managed not to gain a single pound while there, even with drinking alcohol (which I don't do at home) and I actually managed to lose two. I guess it was all the activity and NOT sitting on the couch watching TV that did it because I didn't watch what I ate at all and had ice cream every day, sometimes twice. Between the sangria, champagne for breakfast, ice cold cervezas at dinner (okay and sometimes lunch) I would have bet the farm that I would have gained a little something but cock-a-doodle-doo I didn't!

Here are just a few pics, because I realize I haven't shared any pictures of me recently. So here I am at 128.5 kilos or around 283 pounds.

I haven't worn a dress since my wedding in 2004, but for some reason I was really attracted to this one. Between the flight, the heat and the alcohol my feet were swollen and looked like potatoes, hence the unattractive, but wearable, shoes.

Me and Sadie (yes I realize big people aren't supposed to wear verticle stripes but ya know, I'm not going to fool anybody into thinking I'm tiny by avoiding them, so here they are)

This is sooooo not a flattering picture at all but it's what I look like so here you go.

Ouch! We had a fun time at the Cactus Garden.

Me and Sadie That lovely sangria that I enjoy oh so well and not nearly as often as I would have liked to!

So there you have it, me, in the flesh. All 283 pounds of it.

Feeling better

Just a quick update to let you know I am feeling better and back at work. Still trying to reach my ini goal before I leave for vacation in a mere 8 days but I think I will fall short. I'm not going to weigh myself until the day before though just so I can keep this positive momentum going.

It's just a short, 3 day work week for me here, so I'll try to catch you all up with a more interesting post in a few days. I hope you are all having healthy and successful weeks!

I'm down (but not talking about my weight)

I'm sick. It started with a sore throat Tuesday which has progressivly gotten worse as the week went on and coupled with a stuffy-yet-runny nose and full feeling in my head and ears, it took me out of work both yesterday and today. I'm taking it easy, laying around, drinking plenty of fluids and just doing what you're supposed to do when you're feeling puny.

Needless to say there isn't much to really catch you all up on. I hope by Monday I am back in the game full force. There is only 13 more days until we are on a plane to Spain and I have hopefully lost the 5 kilos that I set as my goal. If I were to guess right now I would say there is no way I've lost 5 kilos yet considering the cookies, krispie treats and muffins I've been devouring but I still have some time left to make at least a small dent in my small goal.

We shall see.

(feel free to leave as many sympathy and "get well" comments as you'd like, I'll lap them up like a little puppy dog)

A quickie

The good:
· I had a banana, apple and tablespoon of peanut butter for breakfast, a salad for lunch and have drank about 5 bottles of water so far today, and it’s only 2:30 here.
· I’ve planned a salad for supper with smoked chicken.
· I walked for 30 minutes 3 times this week (so far)
· It’s a 4 day work week in the Netherlands, thank you Queens Day!
· Exercising, even just this little bit that I’m doing, has made me feel wonderful. It also makes me want to eat better. Eating better makes me want to exercise more. Exercising makes me want to eat better. Eating better makes me want to exercise more. So on and so forth.

The bad:
· Just when I’m feeling great, positive, resisting the urge to eat poorly and making changes to minimize my exposure to sweets (for fear of a total binge), my colleague plops down chocolates she brought in announcing “I’ve restocked my chocolate”.

The ugly:
· My walk today caused a nasty blister on my heel (I forgot my socks at home).

And there is your little catch up for the day!

I may not be back until Monday so I wish you all a very happy, healthy weekend!

So Tuesday, time for an update of sorts. MadameK commented (THANK YOU!) and asked me how it was going with the therapy so I thought I’d let “the masses’ know, I haven’t started yet. Apparently, once you register, there is a 8 – 10 week waiting period for….well because that’s how the Dutch like to roll. On top of the waiting period, they also claim they didn’t get my referral from my doctor, even though he sent it by fax and by post. Now how both of them managed not to make it to their office, I’ll never know, so that tacked on another two weeks to my already lengthy waiting period. I was more than frustrated. I mean, you finally decide “okay, I need some help to tame this monster that is my subconscious” and they put you on a 2 month waiting list? (for those who may have just joined the .02 blog world, I've been diganosed as a "disordely eater" and am seeking help with a center here that will have a team of people trying to sort me out. Sounds fun, eh? All kidding aside, I will be seeing a psychologist, nutritionist and other people who are focused on people with eating disorders and weight loss)

As I’m patiently waiting (sarcastically) for my call saying that I have my first appointment, I’ve been walking 3-4 times a week during my lunch hour for about 20-30 minutes. It’s been super weather recently and I’ve really enjoyed the movement. It's not like I'm going to sit around waiting for them, right?

I’ve cut out a few of my morning coffeess (yes, plural, we're talking 6 - 8 cups a day here and that's before lunch). I've been eating more fruits and veg, less carbs and have curbed my late night snacking (although not nearly as much as I need to). I’m not perfect, but then again, I’m not trying to be perfect, just a little bit better than I was yesterday.

I’m still chugging the water but could probably step it up a notch. I’m eating fruit for breakfast rather than a toastie. I’m skipping the cafeteria to avoid being seduced by the brownies and muffins and opting for bringing my breakfast from home instead. I'm also getting coffee out of the machine rather than the luscious lattes they serve in the cafeteria. This mighty adjustment has helped loads!

I’ve managed to maintain the 2-3 pound loss that I had but would really like to kick it in gear to meet my goal of losing 10 pounds by May 20th, when we leave for our vacation (should that stinking volcano in Iceland quit burping out hot motlen lava and ash, thank you very much). Seriosuly, with the weight I’m carrying, this goal should be simple to achieve but I just don’t seem to be motivated or focused enough to really get in there and do what I know I need to do and CAN do. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s stopping me, it’s like I can’t put my little finger on it. I’ve made some small, yet significant, changes. I’m just going to keep picking at it like a scab I guess.

I hope you all are having healthy and successful weeks!

(p.s. don't forget to join my rss feed there, to the left and become a follower of .02 so you'll never have to worry about missing an update!)

I betcha didn't know I could do THAT

A woman I know that belongs to an online-message-board-group-thingy that I belong to recently asked me to help her with a project she was working on. She was sewing a baby blanket for a hospital for the Neo-natal care department on a volunteer basis and wanted to include a little writing, maybe a poem, to add to the finished product.

I actually get a huge kick out of it when people ask me to write things for them, for something specific, like a project or speech or anything really. It helps them, but more than that, it helps me. It helps me be creative. It helps me think. It helps me feel like I can help somebody else. It lets me use my talents for the better good of the people, or at least for a laugh. It makes me feel proud that they trust my creative fingers to do the writing. I love getting "assignments" and having a deadline and the pressure of it all. It's honestly a thrill for me. When I got this assignment all of those happy little emotions ran rampant and I was extremely happy with the outcome.

Said friend finished the blanket project and gave me a shout out on her blog for the poem. So check out Life at the Hatchery and get that warm snuggly feeling. I'm in love with that poem and plan to keep it in my back pocket for future projects, possibly of my own!