De-puffed.

I noticed that I spent a lot of yesterday in the little girls room and my hand and ankles weren't as tight so I decided to step on the scale this morning and low and behold I'm back down to my pre-weigh in weight of 105.5! YAY! I knew I was retaining like crazy. It's really amazing how much water a woman's body holds on to during that TOM. Do men have this problem as well? I'm sure they do due to salt intake but not because of hormone fluctuation, do they?

In other news, we finally got the right fridge and it looks beautiful! I'll post some more pictures of the place once we get settled in and internet connection. Gotta get to work for now! Have a great healthy weight loss day!

extremely quick weigh in post

Well I got my wish, sort of. I am posting my next entry "from my new house" as we did sleep there for the first time last night but we have no Internet or TV so I'm actually posting from work! So looks like I'll be sporadically posting from here when I can.

This week I gained 1.5 pounds (I'll have to update my stats on the right later). I am retaining water like mad (due to it being that TOM and not drinking enough water during the day) and am swollen to the point of it being slightly painful to walk and bend my fingers. So I'm not going to fret over this weeks gain as next week I think will tell a better tale of what is really going on with my weight-weight not just water weight. We'll see.

Hope you all have a great week and PRAY to the refrigerator Gods that the deliver the right one today!

THE JOY OF MOVING.

Just a quick (YEAH RIGHT) check in. We've had a few oops! moments with the new house which has thrown us off my extremely tight schedule that I had all planned out. Here's what happened:

• Many rooms and walls took 2-3 coats of paint. This cost twice the money and took 2 - 3 times the time. My fingers and arms were killing me after 7 days of primer, painting and repainting.
• We have to buy light fixtures as the house doesn't come with any, just wires sticking out of the wall. It took us forever to pick them out because I don't like all the silver modern-y things that seem to be 'in' right now. Then the brilliant jackasses who plastered/painted the ceilings plastered/painted right over all of the fixtures so you have to pick all of the wires and things out of the dried plaster/paint. THAT was fun for Marco. Then of course hanging the lights take time.
• The floor guy was late by 3 or 4 hours the day he was supposed to start. Apparently he usually works with a partner but for some unknown reason had to do our house on his own. Laying any sort of floor with two people is time consuming so you can imagine doing it on your own takes so much longer. He kept having to ask Marco if he could help him here and there. Then he didn't bring enough trim to finish the laminate floors the first day and then at 6 he left. Apparently in Holland you don't work until the job is finished you work until you're finished. He came back the following day, was an hour late again and still didn't bring all the supplies he needed. He had to leave in the middle of the day to go get more under layer for the carpet. Again, he left at 6, job unfinished. Finally, yesterday he came back, an hour late again, and finished up. He was nice enough (said with a thick layer of sarcasm) to lay the extra under layer with glue on it on the finished floor and then didn't bother to pick it up so now I have dried glue on my new floor that I have to scrape up with my fingernails. FUN!
• The refrigerator. My God the refrigerator. They were to deliver the fridge and stove on Friday. They arrived with the appliances, brought in the fridge and as it rounded the corner I noticed it didn't look white. It looked silver. We ordered a white one because the kitchen is white. Here's how the conversation went:

"Marco (who was walking behind the delivery men) that's not white" said sane Sarah.

Dirty-ish blank look from Marco followed by silence.

"Is that white because it doesn't look white from here?" said sane Sarah, thinking she was seeing things.

Silence from Marco and the two moving guys kept on moving.

"I'm pretty sure that's not white! That's not the right refrigerator." said now slightly irritated Sarah.

Still silence from all other parties in the room.

"Stop bringing that in here! It is not the right one!"

Moving finally stops as if my voice had finally penetrated the thick barriers of built up wax in their eardrums.

"Did you want the white one?" Marco whispers to me.

(I must interject here to say that originally we did want the silver one but after seeing the kitchen and seeing a white one we decided white would be best plus it was 50 euros cheaper).

"Yes, that's what we ordered. That's what I want."

Marco to the moving guy "That's not the right one, we ordered a white one."

"Oh it's not the right one?" said the mover guy.

(what? Did I lose so much weight that I'm freaking invisible? Am I screeching in a pitch that only wolves and bats can hear?)

"No, we ordered a white one. This is the right make in the wrong color." said me, extremely patient.

Mover guy fumbles with tag on fridge.

"Oh, it says right here it's the silver one. This is the Aarssen's at 322 Aarssen street?"

"Yes (implied dumb ass) you're at the right house you just have the wrong color fridge" said Sarah now certain I have been zapped into an alternate universe because that couldn't have been more obvious from the conversation as far as I was concerned.

"Well most people want the silver. Do you want the silver?" asked moving guy.

Did you seriously just ask me that you crazy lunatic? said Sarah in her head but out of her mouth came "Yes, I'm very sure I want the white. I have a white kitchen with a white stove and white cabinets which is why I ordered the white refrigerator. The floor model is white so I don't know why they chose to send a silver one."

"OK we'll take this back and deliver a white one tomorrow."

The take the fridge out nicking the paint twice on the way. Thanks.

Fine. So Marco calls the place to make sure the white one will be delivered the next day. Sure it will the lady says. The next day I patiently wait for the fridge to arrive. After two hours of patiently waiting I call the service center.

"Hi! I'm Sarah Aarssen and I was wondering when my refrigerator will arrive today. I was supposed to be here around noon."

"It says in the computer it was delivered yesterday."

Ligaments in my eyeballs snap as I roll them back in my head.

"It was delivered yesterday but it was the wrong one. They are supposed to deliver the right one today."

"I don't see you on the list for deliveries today. Are you sure it wasn't delivered yesterday"

Oh wait! NOW I see the big refrigerator in my kitchen, so sorry, my mistake! Gosh the voice in my head is a smart ass.

"Yes, I'm sure. Yesterday they delivered the stove and a refrigerator but it was the wrong one. It was silver. We ordered white. They took it back and said they will deliver the right one today."

"Please hold."

Holding. Holding. Still holding.

"Mrs. Aarssen I see they tried to call you this morning to tell you the white refrigerator isn't in stock but we have the wrong number for you and couldn't get through."

"What number do you have?"

Reads number.

"Why yes, that is the wrong number. Here is the right one that my husband told the woman who checked us out at your store. How long until the white one is in stock?"

"It could be up to a week or so. We do have the silver one that was delivered to you yesterday in stock. Do you want the silver one?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So supposedly Tuesday our white fridge will be delivered. If not somebody is sure to die. That somebody may be me as I fling myself off my balcony screaming "I JUST WANTED THE WHITE ONE!!!!!!!!" Of course we're on the first floor so flinging myself off the balcony would probably only cause me to chip a tooth or something equally as minor yet noticeable.

Cross your fingers the rest of the move goes OK and I will be posting my next blog entry from our new address!

Did you know 5 is my favorite number?

So imagine my delight when I saw two of them on the scale this morning. My weight has dropped down another 1.1 kilos this week or 2.42 pounds weighing in at 105.5 kilos or 232.1 pounds!!! Seeing that 105.5 on the scale was awesome! Dropping a little over 2 pounds this week is exciting but being only 32.1 pounds away from 200 pound goal is heart-thumping thrilling for me! I don't know when I was last 200 pounds (or even when I was last 232 pounds) but I distinctly remember in high school and going to get my drivers license and being clueless about my weight.

When they asked for my digits at the DMV I honestly had no idea what to say as we never had a scale in our house ever (and my Mom still refuses to have one! LOL) and I didn't go to the doctor that often to really remember (or maybe I blocked it out). So I made up a number for my drivers license. I think I said 180 because that's what my sister put on hers. Well that episode piqued my curiosity enough to get on a scale somewhere, either at a friend's house or a store or somewhere, I don't really remember. But what I do remember is getting a sick hot feeling all over my body when that needle spun right past 180, flew over 200, inched past 210, slowed up around 220, crept past 225 and finally rested on the 230 mark. It made me shake I was so shocked that I weighed over 200 pounds, well over 200 pounds. I was also only about 5'6 or 5'7 then where as I'm 5'10 now. I was a late bloomer.

I jumped off that scale so fast you'd have thought it was going to shout out my weight for the whole world to hear, followed by audible gasps from anybody around and lots of pointing and laughing at me. I didn't get back on a scale, with the exception of the doctor's office ,where I always turned my head not to see, until my mid twenties. The next time I checked I was a whopping 286 pounds.

The moral of the story is... in 2.1 more pounds I will be the "smallest" I have ever been as an adult but I will also surpass the weight that I was when I was a teenager, a mall banged (and they were UP there), pimply faced, metal mouthed, shy, over-weight teen. It seems unreal to me, it really does.

Next time I'm in the US at my parent's house I'll try to dig up a picture of me in high school. Apparently I am so overjoyed by my weight loss this week that I (possibly temporarily) won't mind the public humiliation of putting a high school photo on the internet.

Holy Soreness Batman!

I'm so freaking sore I could die. We went in today to discover the green in the hallway needed a second coat so that put us a little bit behind schedule and meant more painting!

Marco already tore down the wallpaper in our bedroom but he left little scraps here and there so today my mission was to remove all the little bits and pieces from each wall. By time I reached the second wall my arms were already killing me. Four walls later I was dead and we had only been working a few hours.

Since two walls in our bedroom are made from concrete and are extremely porous we have to wallpaper them as we don't have to to fill in every single little hole. My friend Alexandra had told us there is wallpaper now that you can hang and then paint so we thought we'd try it since most the wallpaper is hideous and outdated. Ends up it's not really wallpaper it's a thin fabric-y layer of fiber glass that you glue on like wallpaper. It has to dry for 17 hours (what an odd number) and then you can paint it. Well of course when you're handling fiber glass is gets all over you and both Marco and I have been itching all day long. I couldn't wait to get in the shower. Even after my shower I am still itching now and again.

This morning before heading to the new house we went to order our fridge and stove. We've had them picked out for months so it was an in and out deal, or so we though. We went in and the fridge was GONE! They got all new stock in and didn't have it anymore. What's funny was I was thinking last night "wouldn't that be funny if we went in and the fridge was gone?". Boy I couldn't have been more wrong, it wasn't funny at all! But then Marco saw that they have the exact same one but not in the silver we wanted. It came only in white but (here's the life saver of the day) if you get the white one it's 100 euros cheaper! Worked out in our favor! Both appliances are being delivered on either Thursday or Friday and I'm so excited! I think we're actually going to be moving stuff in on Thursday one week from the day we got the keys!

My neck and shoulders are killing me from painting, climbing and scraping. My knees and legs are all bruised and banged up from crawling around on the concrete floors. And to top it all off I started getting cramps in my legs and lower back today only to realize that Aunt Flo should be arriving any day now!

But no matter how much pain I'm in I am on cloud nine and could not be more thrilled with the way things are going.

Hopefully tomorrow morning's weigh in with just be low-fat sugar free icing on the low calorie cake.

Paint aerobics

That's what I feel like I've been doing for the past 3 days... paint aerobics. Since my first post today was hardly weight loss related at all, with the exception of the last line, I thought I'd write something a little more "on task". The task being losing some poundage and gettin some muscles.

In order to keep the peace whilst preparing our new house Marco and I decided it would be best if we worked on separate projects, in separate rooms, in separate houses. HAHA just kidding about the separate house thing. Apparently and according to recent polls, I am a control freak who thoroughly enjoys things being done her way. Who knew? (ok, so I knew but geesh did he have to say it...out loud?) So this way was beneficial to both of us. I didn't have to micro- manage his every move and he didn't have to put up with me. Win-win.

So my job was to apply primer to the living room, kitchen and hallway while Marco stripped the bedroom of two horrendous layers of wallpaper. Yuck. The primer went on without a hitch. I tried incorporating some toning movements into my rolling techniques. Each time I pulled down with the roller I flexed my biceps. With each step up onto my tippy toes to reach the highest parts of the walls I would flex my calves and my booty muscles. It seemed to make a bit of difference because after finishing the living room my muscles were a bit fatigued.

It wasn't until the following day that I realized how much running up and down the ladder and all that flexing really did to me. My legs feel like lead after standing on them yet another day. We called it quits at 2:30 today as Marco had to work and let me tell you I couldn't have been happier to be finished for the day.

Our eating habits since being on the run all the time have been interesting. I have had to make conscious effort not to grab a burger and fries at the local drive thru because it's quick or chips at the gas station to get me by. I've been going longer-than-usual time periods with no food so I have to make an effort not to binge when my tummy is rumbling and there is food in site. I think I've been doing pretty well though. I do notice that when I'm so super busy and focused that I have a much easier time not obsessing over food and there is no time for mindless munching! It just goes to show that I still may be eating out of boredom or habit more often than I am realizing. It's a good eye opener and something to keep in the back of my mind.

I haven't run since Wednesday night but I just don't have the energy. Hopefully I will get back on track (pun not intended) in the upcoming days.

Been MIA

Sorry I've been MIA here (and on your blogs) this week but we have been super busy with the new house since Thursday. Thanks to all of you for the birthday wishes and it was a GREAT day! 31 feels pretty much the same as 30 did so I wasn't shocked or devastated or anything like that. Also, I wanted to say Happy Birthday (one day late but I thought of you yesterday but never got around to sending the e-card) to my cousin Melissa who shares my same birthday but she's 4 years younger than me, lucky lass. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISSA!!!

We spent most of the day at the new house painting. We ordered our flooring and it's going to be installed on Wednesday so we have to get all of the painting done before then. It's a lot of work!

I have some before and during pictures of the house that I'll share the link to at the end of this post but first I have to explain a few things.

When you move into an apartment here in Holland it comes totally gutted. You have to paint and put in your own flooring. The only things that come with the place is the cabinets and tiling in the bathroom and kitchen, so we didn't chose those. The tiles in the bathroom are grey and pretty but the kitchen cabinets are just plain white and not so great looking.

When you look at the pictures with the painted rooms (especially the red/yellow) keep in mind that there is no flooring yet. It will be a darker colored floor to tone down the brightness of the colors on the wall. It looks a bit Mcdonalds-ish in a couple of the pictures but I swear it doesn't in real life. The yellow is a buttercream, so really soft not sunflowery.

The red was a BEOTCH to paint and because we didn't know to use tinted primer. Well we didn't know until after we did the first coat and I about broke down crying because it looked awful and then looked up on the internet to see WHY it looked awful and found out this jewel of advice. It took us 3 coats to get it to look right without streaks and stuff! ARGH!

Of course the whole place will also look different and less oh-my-God-red and holy-moly-yellow when there is furniture added.

The hallway is a sage green and turned out wonderfully! I'm so happy with all of the color choices so far and we've really put in a ton of work to try to make it look nice. This is our first home that we've done together (when I moved here he already lived in our current home) and we've really been having fun with it.

I'm exhausted but we have to get the other three rooms ready because they're installing the flooring on Wednesday! YAY! I am so excited!

So here's the pictures. You'll have to pardon me looking like crapola and concentrate on the rooms!

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8QcsWTNm2bMQu

Oh and nothing will make you lose wieght faster than working non-stop on a house, right? We'll see on Tuesday!

Short on time so just a quick update.

I am short on time but wanted to check in quickly. I had an awesome run last night. I ran well over a mile before I had to stop and walk a little to catch my breath. I found a great place to run and Marco has been riding his bike along side me since it's getting dark earlier here. I am really starting to like running a lot.

I was up at 4 am, wide awake last night and could not go back to sleep. I do this all the time where I wake up and have to go to the little girls room and while in there I start thinking. Next thing I know my mind is racing and I just cannot get back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. By time 7 o'clock rolled around I had the beginnings of a migraine and ended up staying home from work. Finally around 4 this afternoon I could finally function again and good thing because....

We finally got a call from the Realtors and we got the house!!!!!!!!!!! We finally got the call to come sign papers and pick up the keys!!!! I am so excited I can't stand it. We have been planning and re planning and choosing paint and planning and doing some more planning and talking and thinking and discussing and planning for MONTHS and FINALLY we have keys! What sucks is now I have to work tomorrow and then have a work dinner tomorrow evening. Then Saturday is my birthday (31 years old! WOOHOO!) and we want to have dinner with my friends Alexandra and Theodore but now all I really want to do is get in there and get started!

I think I'll take vacation next week so we can get moved. The houses in Holland come totally gutted whether you're renting or buying so there is tons of stuff to do, paint, pick out light fixtures, get flooring put in and my favorite part...DECORATE!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much for a "quick" update huh? I'll post pictures of the new place as soon as I can! YAY!!!

I DID IT! (sort of)

Well I did it, I guess. I managed to lose this week bringing me down to my all time lowest adult weight ever... ever! Why do I say “I did it, I guess”? Because I only lost 0.1 kilos or 0.22 pounds. I'm not going to bust out the streamers, confetti or any other party supplies quite yet.

It was almost laughable this morning. It's like the scale is taunting me, teasing me. It's saying "Okay I'll let you lose but it will only be a smidgeon so you can't be mad at me but it won't be enough to let you really celebrate".

But I’m already celebrating. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a significant loss. It was a loss, it wasn’t a gain (most importantly) and I’m pretty darned happy about it. I’m hoping for a great week and to be able to report good things next Tuesday.

I wish you all a wonderful healthy week!

End of the week for me...

I had a really great run tonight and I just wanted to leave this week on a positive note before tomorrow's weigh in. It was a little after eight this evening and I had just finished catching up with my regular blog reading when I decided I felt like going for a run. I actually felt like having a jog last night but Marco convinced me we would go together tonight instead. Tonight he was singing a different tune but I didn't let it stop me.

It's been getting dark here quite a bit earlier so I decided to leave the Ipod at home just to be safer. I live in a nice neighborhood and jog in a pretty busy place but you just never know what kind of whack jobs are out there. It's been drizzling on and off so the road was pretty deserted so luckily I had made the right decision. Better safe than dead I always say! Well actually I don't always say that because, well, it's just a silly thing to say but I digress.

I put on my trusty pedometer and sped off at a turtles pace, just a bit quicker than a snail. I felt like I had pretty good form (read: I didn't resemble Phoebe from Friends). It was chilly out and the cold air stung my lungs like a swarm of little oxygen bees. I assumed after I was going for a while that would go away and I was right.

The thing with me is that I'm not a runner. I've never been a runner. I've never read about running. I've never been taught to run. I know nothing about it. I do remember watching other runners thinking "how in the world do they do that?They just keep going! Doesn't that hurt?" but other than that I really never gave running more than a passing thought. So it's not like when I go out for a run I really have a plan of action. I run until one of two things happen, either my legs give out or my lungs give out. Usually it's my lungs that throw in the towel and tonight was no different.

I did play a little game with myself along the way. It was the "how long can you go without looking at the pedometer" game (coming to a toy store near you!). At the gym I always have the problem that the more I look at my distance and time the slower they both seem to go. Running outside the gym isn't much different so I don't wear a watch and my pedometer is kept out of sight. So I played the game and did pretty well. I didn't look at the pedometer until 1.7 kilometers which is a little bit over a mile. This glance coincided with my lungs burning, a dizzy feeling and my side and chest seizing. All surefire signs that you should probably slow down.

I took my turtles pace down to a snails walk and caught my breath. I walked about 75 feet and decided I felt pretty darned good. I picked back up where I left off and continued to jog the rest of the way home. It was a grand total of 2.55 kilometers or 1.58 miles by time I reached our doorstep. It's not much for those who run long distances but for me it's phenomenal.

I think I may join the Couch to 5K program that so many women I know rave about. Can you imagine me running a 5K race? I'm a 234 pound woman right now. The thought gives me goosebumps, in a good way. Me, running in a race. What a great goal. What a great accomplishment it could be. What great motivation. In my first race I could wear a shirt that says "I'm a 5K Virgin" or some other (more) clever saying and on the back my "rock bottom picture" with my weight loss so far. Hmmm. I'm a little excited. We shall see what comes of this idea!

All it takes is one little comment...

Isn't it fabulous the way one little comment can really change your whole mood, even your whole outlook? It doesn't even have to be a spoken-out-loud comment. It can be a look, a smile, a head turn... just one little subtle (or not so subtle wolf whistle) move and you can really change a person's whole day.

My mood was changed by a comment unexpectedly made by my husband.

We were walking the dog today and Marco asked, "So how do you think your weigh-in is going to go this week?"

Well that's a loaded question, if you want it to be. I always get nervous when he starts asking about my weight loss because, like a smart man, he doesn't mention my weight often. It's amazing how quickly a whole slew of thoughts can sprint through your head though. Things like "why, are my jeans too tight?" or "are you picking a fight?" or "Gosh what did I eat yesterday" and even "somebodies looking for a little Sarah lovin later!"

I answered honestly.

"I don't think I'm going to lose this week but I may not gain either. I'm not sure. Why?"

"You just look like you've lost some so I was wondering what you thought."

**booming voice comes out of nowhere accompanied by thunderous applause**

"And the Husband of the Month award goes to...drum roll please... Marco Aarssen for "You look like you've lost some weight honey". Marco come on up here and claim the golden pouty lips. You deserve it!"

It was in that one little instant, that one little loving comment that all the worries I've been having for the past weeks, all the insecurities about my ability to lose weight, all of the emotional crap I've been carting around on my back for months just seemed to melt away.

"Yeah? You think I look like I lost some?" I beamed.

I don't know why it was that moment that changed things. I've had you all cheering me on all along.

I don't know why him saying those words gave me an"attitude adjustment" (to quote my father) as I've had nothing but great support and advice handed to me over the months.

I don't know why those little words made such a difference to me but they did. I feel like I've been pushed out of the starting blocks once again and I'm on my way. Maybe Tuesday won't be a great weigh-in. Maybe it will. I don't really know. But I do know that this week will be a great week for me. I will continue on this journey, head held high. I can really lose this weight. I will lose these last 34 pounds and meet my first big weight loss goal. I am on my way.

I've been racking my brains out today trying to think of something inspiring to write. Something witty, thought provoking, funny, clever, interesting, inspiring, useful... any of those things really and I just can't come up with anything. Have I said all there is to say? Surely not! Maybe it's just a case of "bloggers block". Or maybe there just isn't much happening in my weight loss world that's really worth punching out on the keyboard.

It's mid week for me since I weigh in on Tuesdays and there's not much to report I suppose. After last weeks smashing weigh in you would have thought I would have jumped right in there and insisted on a great week of eating and exercise to ensure a repeat loss this coming week. All the suspense of losing "new weight" could finally be over with and I could post something brilliant about what a great week it was and how thrilled I was to finally break the cycle I've been in for the last 5 months.

For some reason though, my eating and exercise hasn't been all that great. It hasn't sucked rotten eggs but it could definitely use some polishing up. I think I went for a run once this week and maybe even that is a delusion. I did shop with Alexandra last night which entailed tons of walking so maybe that counts? I did over eat at Subway last night and I did have a second slice of cake on Wednesday when I shouldn't have. For the most part though I haven't gorged myself on food or eaten anything particularly thigh-rubbing horrible like deep fried ice cream drizzled in chocolate with a side of chocolate dipped chocolate.

I feel a bit frozen to be honest. It's a strange feeling that I don't know if I can fully explain in words but I'll try. I feel like I'm teetering on a sort of ledge. It's not the type of ledge where if you tip to the left you're safe but if you topple to the right you're plunging like Wile E. Coyote over a cliff until all you see is a little mushroom cloud of dirt where your body used to be. It's the kind of teetering that's more like your walking into a big wind tunnel and although you're taking two steps forward the force is pushing you one step back. But what is this force at the end of my tunnel?

It's me and my mind.

I'm feeling a bit like I used to at the beginning of this journey. There's a little fear inside me keeping me from going forward. I've been at this weight for so long now that it's a bit like starting all over, isn't it? I'm no longer "Sarah who lost 66 pounds" I'm "Sarah who needs to lose 34 pounds to reach her 1st big goal". They are one in the same on one hand yet very different. It's all a matter of semantics really.

I have a little fear of failure or maybe it's more of a fear of success, I'm not really sure which. Maybe it's a mix of both. Once again I'm experiencing that backwards way of thinking where I say to myself "if I don't try then I can't fail because I didn't try!" Yeah, I'm sane. HAHA But you can't fail at something you didn't try to achieve can you?

I guess that's really just nonsensical (which I didn't think was a real word when my boss used it so I looked it up and sure enough, it's a word!) because I'm already trying and I've already succeeded. It's just this next leg of the journey is intimidating the crap out of me. It's strange that weight loss can be scary, isn't it?

So I guess what I said at the beginning of my post isn't really true. There IS a lot going on in my weight loss world but none of it seems to be physical. Once again it's a mental, internal struggle to get over this next hurdle. I don't want to continue standing here like a deer in the headlights though. I've got to put on my big girl brave pants (and matching cape) and face the demon that is myself. (how's THAT for a dramatic ending?)

Baaaaaaaaaa!

Or in Dutch.. Maaaaaaaaaa! And what is all this Baaing about? I weighed in this morning which is why I'm feeling a bit sheepish. After all my ranting and raving, cursing, swearing, jumping up and down, fit throwing I did, I am down 4.84 pounds from last week (2.2 kilos). That, in itself, is great, but the fact that it also brings me back once again to my all time lowest adult weight makes me feel even sillier for my crazy outburst.

I actually don't believe I lost close to 5 pounds this week now that I've had to think back to last week. I mean yes, according to the scale, I am 5 pounds lighters than last week but I believe that my "gain" last week was due more to my period and having Chinese food for lunch the day before that it was actual weight gain. I was probably retaining loads of water. But as I always say, it doesn't matter WHAT kind of weight it was (water, fat) the scale says I weigh less now so THAT's what I'm going to go by.

If I am very careful this week by time next Tuesday rolls around I could be losing new weight! I'm going to try to be on my best behavior!

Baaaaaaaaa!

Off topic - Dream interpretation and meditation

I've not been sleeping well lately. My mind is just full of thoughts and I can't make them stop. I go to bed with full intention of going to sleep but as soon as I try to rest the wheels begin turning - full speed. They're not even (all) bad thoughts, just thoughts in general. Thoughts about my day, my job, my future, my life, my weight loss, my exercise, my infertility, my writing, my family, my nieces and nephews, my future, my present, my past, what I want to say to Oprah (yeah THAT'S something that keeps me up, because you know she's been busting down my door)...you know just every day thoughts.

I have a lot going on in my life right now and it seems to be consuming me. It's starting to take its toll on me too, like a few weeks ago when I had the stress induced back spasm and more recently headaches due to lack of sleep and rest. I know this isn't healthy for me. I try to make myself relax. Trying to relax is virtually impossible. I try to push all the thoughts to the back of my mind and think of just blackness or floating on a raft in a pool in the warm sun... I try to think of anything that will not allow me to think of the other things I think about. But while I'm thinking of things to think about that will keep me from thinking about other things I inevitably start thinking! I just cannot stop. It's exhausting.

My friend Mukesh meditates and after explaining to him all the crap I think about and how it's affecting my life he said that I should meditate too. His girlfriend even runs a meditation workshop thingy in the city. He did warn me that at first I may have problems accepting some of the things she would ask us to do in the workshop, like hugging trees and whatnot but Í don't know if he was just yanking my chain with that, somehow I doubt it. I would really love to try it out but it's a bit pricey and if I'm going to be in the park snuggling up with a tree I want to make sure it's going to be worth my while. I have to do something though. If any of you have any suggestions I'm more than open to listening.

That brings me to my re-occurring dreams I've been having. I have been dreaming that I am back in high school (sans the mall bangs). Sometimes my friends from high school are there with me and sometimes people who are in my life today are there with me. Sometimes it's a mix. The part that never changes is that I cannot find my locker and I don't know where I supposed to be going. I am feeling panicked because I don't know what classes I'm taking. I keep walking along and all of the lockers feel familiar but none of them are mine. I keep going from class room to class room and again everything seems familiar but I'm never quite in the right place. I know I'm late but I don't know what I'm late for. In my last dream I even asked one girl, Erin, if she remembered where my locker was and she was a total snot and told me "if you can't remember then why should I?" I never really did care for her in school and I really don't like her in my dreams!

So I decided to google my dream and see what I could come up with. I don't know how much faith I put into dream interpreting but it has so be reoccurring for some reason, right?

So here's what I found according to http://www.dreammoods.com/:

Locker: To see or use a locker in your dream, signifies aspects of yourself which you have kept hidden inside. Consider what items and belongings are in the locker. In particular, to dream of a school locker, denotes hidden feelings, knowledge, and attitudes that you need to learn and/or acknowledge.

(I think this is the part that would apply to me since I can't find my locker in my dream) To dream that you cannot open a locker or that your forgot the combination, suggests that you are unsure of where you stand in a particular situation. You feel that you are on shaky ground. If you cannot find your locker, then it also symbolizes� your insecurities about your role or position in a situation.

Lost: To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

High School: To dream about high school, refers to the bounds and friendships that you made while you were in high school. What spiritual lessons have you learned? The dream may also be telling you that you need to start preparing for the real world. (geesh if I'm not already prepared for the real world then I'm screwed!)

(I think this is the part that applies to me since I've already completed high school) To dream that you have to repeat high school, suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities.

Soooooo... it appears that in my subconscious I am a big fat mess who has serious doubts and insecurities about everything I've done up until this point not to mention doubts and insecurities about things I am dealing with now. Great! That'll help me sleep tonight!

In all seriousness though, the dream, when interpreted this way, does make tons of sense to me. I know I have goals that really mean a lot to me that I am nowhere close to attaining or achieving. Goals like being a mom, being a writer, being at a healthy weight, having a career that I love, living in the US again, finishing college, traveling, doing volunteer work, learning another language... the list goes on and on. There are so many things that I want to do and only so many hours in the day and week, ya know?

I'm just going to put this out there, leave it like this, and see what comes of it. Maybe just getting it down on "paper" will give me some peace of mind.