Friday, September 07, 2007

I've been racking my brains out today trying to think of something inspiring to write. Something witty, thought provoking, funny, clever, interesting, inspiring, useful... any of those things really and I just can't come up with anything. Have I said all there is to say? Surely not! Maybe it's just a case of "bloggers block". Or maybe there just isn't much happening in my weight loss world that's really worth punching out on the keyboard.

It's mid week for me since I weigh in on Tuesdays and there's not much to report I suppose. After last weeks smashing weigh in you would have thought I would have jumped right in there and insisted on a great week of eating and exercise to ensure a repeat loss this coming week. All the suspense of losing "new weight" could finally be over with and I could post something brilliant about what a great week it was and how thrilled I was to finally break the cycle I've been in for the last 5 months.

For some reason though, my eating and exercise hasn't been all that great. It hasn't sucked rotten eggs but it could definitely use some polishing up. I think I went for a run once this week and maybe even that is a delusion. I did shop with Alexandra last night which entailed tons of walking so maybe that counts? I did over eat at Subway last night and I did have a second slice of cake on Wednesday when I shouldn't have. For the most part though I haven't gorged myself on food or eaten anything particularly thigh-rubbing horrible like deep fried ice cream drizzled in chocolate with a side of chocolate dipped chocolate.

I feel a bit frozen to be honest. It's a strange feeling that I don't know if I can fully explain in words but I'll try. I feel like I'm teetering on a sort of ledge. It's not the type of ledge where if you tip to the left you're safe but if you topple to the right you're plunging like Wile E. Coyote over a cliff until all you see is a little mushroom cloud of dirt where your body used to be. It's the kind of teetering that's more like your walking into a big wind tunnel and although you're taking two steps forward the force is pushing you one step back. But what is this force at the end of my tunnel?

It's me and my mind.

I'm feeling a bit like I used to at the beginning of this journey. There's a little fear inside me keeping me from going forward. I've been at this weight for so long now that it's a bit like starting all over, isn't it? I'm no longer "Sarah who lost 66 pounds" I'm "Sarah who needs to lose 34 pounds to reach her 1st big goal". They are one in the same on one hand yet very different. It's all a matter of semantics really.

I have a little fear of failure or maybe it's more of a fear of success, I'm not really sure which. Maybe it's a mix of both. Once again I'm experiencing that backwards way of thinking where I say to myself "if I don't try then I can't fail because I didn't try!" Yeah, I'm sane. HAHA But you can't fail at something you didn't try to achieve can you?

I guess that's really just nonsensical (which I didn't think was a real word when my boss used it so I looked it up and sure enough, it's a word!) because I'm already trying and I've already succeeded. It's just this next leg of the journey is intimidating the crap out of me. It's strange that weight loss can be scary, isn't it?

So I guess what I said at the beginning of my post isn't really true. There IS a lot going on in my weight loss world but none of it seems to be physical. Once again it's a mental, internal struggle to get over this next hurdle. I don't want to continue standing here like a deer in the headlights though. I've got to put on my big girl brave pants (and matching cape) and face the demon that is myself. (how's THAT for a dramatic ending?)


Angela said...

I know how you feel, I think. It's scary, becoming a new person. And that's what so much of this is. Losing weight and keeping it off is about evolving in so many ways. The food and the exercise is about 15% of the whole picture. And that's overwhelming and scary and requires much bravery--you're right! Great topic.

Teale said...

One of your posts on thenest brought me to your blog, and I enjoy reading:) I keep a WW food blog on here as well. I hope to continue reading you and find inspiration in your past entries! Great job on the weight loss:)