Sunday, September 02, 2007

Off topic - Dream interpretation and meditation

I've not been sleeping well lately. My mind is just full of thoughts and I can't make them stop. I go to bed with full intention of going to sleep but as soon as I try to rest the wheels begin turning - full speed. They're not even (all) bad thoughts, just thoughts in general. Thoughts about my day, my job, my future, my life, my weight loss, my exercise, my infertility, my writing, my family, my nieces and nephews, my future, my present, my past, what I want to say to Oprah (yeah THAT'S something that keeps me up, because you know she's been busting down my door) know just every day thoughts.

I have a lot going on in my life right now and it seems to be consuming me. It's starting to take its toll on me too, like a few weeks ago when I had the stress induced back spasm and more recently headaches due to lack of sleep and rest. I know this isn't healthy for me. I try to make myself relax. Trying to relax is virtually impossible. I try to push all the thoughts to the back of my mind and think of just blackness or floating on a raft in a pool in the warm sun... I try to think of anything that will not allow me to think of the other things I think about. But while I'm thinking of things to think about that will keep me from thinking about other things I inevitably start thinking! I just cannot stop. It's exhausting.

My friend Mukesh meditates and after explaining to him all the crap I think about and how it's affecting my life he said that I should meditate too. His girlfriend even runs a meditation workshop thingy in the city. He did warn me that at first I may have problems accepting some of the things she would ask us to do in the workshop, like hugging trees and whatnot but Í don't know if he was just yanking my chain with that, somehow I doubt it. I would really love to try it out but it's a bit pricey and if I'm going to be in the park snuggling up with a tree I want to make sure it's going to be worth my while. I have to do something though. If any of you have any suggestions I'm more than open to listening.

That brings me to my re-occurring dreams I've been having. I have been dreaming that I am back in high school (sans the mall bangs). Sometimes my friends from high school are there with me and sometimes people who are in my life today are there with me. Sometimes it's a mix. The part that never changes is that I cannot find my locker and I don't know where I supposed to be going. I am feeling panicked because I don't know what classes I'm taking. I keep walking along and all of the lockers feel familiar but none of them are mine. I keep going from class room to class room and again everything seems familiar but I'm never quite in the right place. I know I'm late but I don't know what I'm late for. In my last dream I even asked one girl, Erin, if she remembered where my locker was and she was a total snot and told me "if you can't remember then why should I?" I never really did care for her in school and I really don't like her in my dreams!

So I decided to google my dream and see what I could come up with. I don't know how much faith I put into dream interpreting but it has so be reoccurring for some reason, right?

So here's what I found according to
Locker: To see or use a locker in your dream, signifies aspects of yourself which you have kept hidden inside. Consider what items and belongings are in the locker. In particular, to dream of a school locker, denotes hidden feelings, knowledge, and attitudes that you need to learn and/or acknowledge.

(I think this is the part that would apply to me since I can't find my locker in my dream) To dream that you cannot open a locker or that your forgot the combination, suggests that you are unsure of where you stand in a particular situation. You feel that you are on shaky ground. If you cannot find your locker, then it also symbolizes� your insecurities about your role or position in a situation.

Lost: To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

High School: To dream about high school, refers to the bounds and friendships that you made while you were in high school. What spiritual lessons have you learned? The dream may also be telling you that you need to start preparing for the real world. (geesh if I'm not already prepared for the real world then I'm screwed!)

(I think this is the part that applies to me since I've already completed high school) To dream that you have to repeat high school, suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities.

Soooooo... it appears that in my subconscious I am a big fat mess who has serious doubts and insecurities about everything I've done up until this point not to mention doubts and insecurities about things I am dealing with now. Great! That'll help me sleep tonight!

In all seriousness though, the dream, when interpreted this way, does make tons of sense to me. I know I have goals that really mean a lot to me that I am nowhere close to attaining or achieving. Goals like being a mom, being a writer, being at a healthy weight, having a career that I love, living in the US again, finishing college, traveling, doing volunteer work, learning another language... the list goes on and on. There are so many things that I want to do and only so many hours in the day and week, ya know?

I'm just going to put this out there, leave it like this, and see what comes of it. Maybe just getting it down on "paper" will give me some peace of mind.

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