Saturday, April 26, 2008

I'm no longer a virgin

What?!?!?!? Yeah, you read it right... I'm no longer a virgin... to open mic night!!!! Last night was the one I signed up for and I actually went through with it. I was the 5th performer and I wasn't nervous at all. I had practiced a few times beforehand so I knew I could get through the three '"writings" (I dont know if they're really poems) that I had written throughout our stuggle with infertility ("IF"). I was really glad that some of the first readers had "messages" as well, this was one of my worries, that it would be to "heavy" of a topic. When I went to the open mic night last month to check it out it was very light hearted.

I started speaking (generally) about our struggle with Infertility in the introduction and was explaining why I chose to read about IF and that's when my voice started shaking, along with the rest of my body. I really didn't expect my emotions to surface like that; I was totally taken by surprise. I was saying that I chose these passages because no matter who I talked to or met during our journey to conceive, when I would talk about our IF they would either know somebody who was also struggling or strugling themselves. Then, I continued on to introduce my first piece, Stolen, and was saying that I wrote it when we received our diagnosis and knew we would never have children in the way we had dreamed and I knew for a fact I wasnt going to make it through. My voice was cracking like mad.

Within the first 4 lines I was in tears. The crowd (about 25 people) was so sweet though. They really encouraged me and I could hear Marco shouting for me from the back (where he was videotaping, no less). By time I got to the 3rd verse there was a good 20 second pause where I just couldn't speak at all. As you all know, 20 seconds in front of an audience is a lifetime. It felt like forever! I finally made it through the whole poem after what seemed like an eternity and composed myself. The host brought me a tissue and thanked me and I said "no, I have two more!" LOL

I got through my second one "Silently Screaming" much better. My voice was still shakey but I made it with only a short-ish pause at the end few bits. I had worked on a new poem the night before especially for Marco and read that third. By time I got to that one I was doing much better. I got through it pretty okay and took my seat.

The very next performer was a singer. She started by saying "Thank you for sharing such a personal experience Sarah. After 11 miscarriages and one adoption later, I can appreciate what you've read more than you know". That made me feel SO MUCH BETTER! Not that she had had 11 miscarriages but that at least one person in the audience "got" what I was saying.

At the break about 7 or 8 people came to tell me thanks for sharing and how touching it was. They were glad to hear something so heartfelt, they said. Two other people mentioned knowing people with IF and one girl was an egg donor herself. One girl said I made her cry with Silently Screaming... in a good way, she added!

I was unsure but I think I made the right choice in reading these. Marco LOVED his "specially for him" poem and I watched the video last night when we got home and it wasn't nearly as bad as it felt while I was actually up there.

I didn't change the world but I did something that I've always wanted to do and now I know I can do it! All of my online "friends" and blog readers who are also struggling with IF were in my mind the entire time up there and really, last night was just as much for you all as it was for me.


AGirlWorthLosing said...

So glad you shared your writing, you are talented.

By the way, I did actually read the book a couple months ago, why can't I get my head to change?!?!

Thanks for your encouragement once again.

Take care!

Erin said...

Great job on getting up there! It seemed like something you really wanted to experience and now you've done it:) Do you plan on doing it again?

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Anonymous said...

Sarah, Will you post the writings for us to see? - Marie VW

Teale said...

That's so great that you did this. I would have been a nervous wreck too, but awesome job for facing that audience & sharing!