Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Back into the saddle? Which saddle is the question.

So I weighed in this morning and wasn't really shocked with my results although I was disappointed in myself. I managed to gain a kilo or roughly 2 lbs. WTF, you may be saying... alas, it's true. I found myself in a pretty dark place near the end of my weigh in week that I haven't been in well over a year. I was binging and sabotaging myself. Again. What's really bad is I recognized it as I was doing it but still didn't stop myself. This is so similar to what I did before my friend Liz's wedding. As the event got closer and I knew I needed (or really wanted) to drop the weight the more I self sabotaged and binged. What scares me most about my binge yesterday (a ton of pizza for supper.. I'm talking probably 3/4 of a large pizza) is that I actually thought about making myself throw it up. I thought it multiple times but I didn't do it... but just that I thought it is scary in itself.

I also thought to myself, well as long as Sadie isn't seeing Mommy eat like this, it's not as bad. WTF. Who is this person? Where in the hell did the REAL me go in the past 9+ months while I was pregnant? Did I really slip THAT far away from where I used to be just a little over a year ago? I was doing so well not only physically but mentally. Granted I didn't think much about weight loss while I was pregnant or even up until now but did I really get back so far into my old habits so damned easily? I feel like such a poser.

Yeah, it would have been easier to come on here and not really type out what happened this week. Lord knows I'm not proud of it and actually I feel pretty ashamed of myself. I know better. I've lived better. I guess all I can do now is DO better. I'm going to pick up my book again, re-read my highlighted passages and really try to find out what the hell is going on with me. I can't lose this mental game with myself anymore. I have too much good in my life and too much is at stake here.


becklette said...

ugh. i'm so sorry things have been rough for you. i totally know exactly how that goes... eat a ton, feel shitty about it, consider doing something disordered (or DO something disordered), rinse and repeat.

maybe, instead of re-reading the highlighted passages, you should read the whole book as if you're starting from scratch. because kind of, you are. think how different things (you) are from when you started the first time. no baby depending on you, waking you up, needing you, for one thing. all your time and energy was yours. so maybe now you need to step back and start over with a new plan? i mean, stick with what works, of course, keep dr. phil, but maybe you need to do something a little different... like plan more, or do more prep work. or... something. i dunno.

i hope things get better. i really, really do.

Ellen said...

You can do this, hon :) I know that you can. (Am I trying to convince myself I can do it to? Maybe.)

It is a journey - a lifelong journey, and we are growing and learning and figuring it out as we go. The things you are experiencing are going to lead to your success because you are thinking about them and trying to figure them out. No matter if there are binges, you are still TRYING, which I think is the key. If we never give up and never quit, we have to make it.

Janine said...

Good Luck! You have had the power to do it before, so you know that you can. And don't worry, you are not alone in those thoughts about binge eating and throwing up... but logic will haunt you.....

bekkles said...

You are here.
YOu are being accountable. If you can keep that up the rest will come.

10 years ago I lost over 40 kilos in less than 40 weeks. Now it has taken me almost a year to lose just over 15. Things ARE different when you're a mum. You ARE different. There are so many things to think about, and you are back at work as well

You need to be kind to yourself, treat yourself in a loving way, the way you would your best friend.

Every decision about food and exercise is a new one so don't let the past decisions weigh you down. Just decide to make better ones now..today, at lunch time, as you walk past the chocolate aisle.

You can do it and I think you will!
Don't let a couple of bad days throw you.


Nic, Walking Diva Extraordinaire! said...

I hear you, sister. I did the same thing today. Went for a great walk that made me feel phenomenal and followed up with a super-sized burger and fries. I feel guilty because I have made a commitment to honor my health and I have broken my own first commandment. But I know that I am human and capable of learning from mistakes. I know what triggered that binge now and I will take steps not to let it happen again. That's what I can do to better myself and you can do it, too!!

AGirlWorthLosing said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. I am so very proud of you for trying. So much is going on in your life right now. You can and will do this!! It is crazy how much weight loss is a mental game. I have to change my mind every day. Love and Luck to you and hugs to little Sadie!