Saturday, November 04, 2006

If you're looking to be inspired skip this post... if you're looking for reality... look no further

If I'm going to keep an accurate log of my journey I don't think it's fair to only write about how great I'm feeling, all the wonderful things that are happening with my body and so on and so forth. If I'm going to get real with my weight, then I need to keep it real with my blog. So if you're looking to read something inspirational that is going to get you up and running to the gym I suggest skipping this post and moving on to one of my other ones.

As I said in the beginning of this journey, I read Dr. Phil's book The Ultimate Weight Solution and it has truly been instrumental in my weightloss. I don't want to shove the book down anybody's throat but if I'm going to tell my story I'm going to touch on the subject now and again.

The book is about 7 keys to weight loss success. The key I have been struggling with the most recently has been the very first key, right thinking. And honestly, after not really feeling up to the task of losing weight in recent weeks, I made reference back to the book to see what is going on with me, I was quite shocked to find what was actually going on in my head.

This chapter talks about your inner dialogue. What you are really saying to yourself. This is where I start to scare myself. I have read this chapter multiple times since having the book and throughout one of those times I had made little tick marks by the parts that really applied to me. So as I looked through the book this past week again I read my marked passages and one stood out. Of course it could be the huge darkened *asterisks* I drew by it that was the dead give away but once again, it caught my eye.

The passage is called Self-downing and it is definitely something I've been guilty of the last few weeks. Self downing is where you tell yourself things like 'I can't do this. I've tried it before, I have no self control and I just can't do it." You could possibly start obsessing over what you didn't do or what you could have done better. You think things like 'Gosh if I wouldn't have eaten ______ I could have lost 3 pounds instead of 2.

It won't make sense to any of you reading this because if you've been following my story you will know that I have been successful over the past 5 months. Not just a little successful, but I've done pretty damned well. I am just about dead on my goal, I've made leaps and bounds in my lifestyle changes and I've stuck to what I set out to do. So why the self downing?

Hell I don't know.

What scares me the most is I have seen all the talkshows with girls who have negative self images. I'm sure you've all seen them too. The stick thin women who, when asked to draw themselves, make portraits of overweight figures. They are people who have such distorted body images of themselves that it makes the audience sit silently as they listen to the sad story of the girl gone wrong.

I remember watching those people and thinking what a mess their lives must be. And now as I sit here going through my own life transformation and those stick thin women and their messed up images are becoming so much clearer to me. I'm no longer an audience member sitting silently but I'm up on stage telling my story.

Now I like to think of myself as a logical person. I know I have done well. The scale doesn't lie. My clothes don't lie. My husband doesn't lie. When I write down my accomplishments on paper I look great. I've started jogging for the first time in my life. I've gone from gasping for breath after 20 seconds of exercise to wanting to push myself further after 30 minutes of cardio. I'm lifting weights, taking stairs... I'm doing it all.

I know I've done well because I have a whole freaking fan club of people telling me I've done well. These people are my support group and I love and need them. They are my family, my friends, my co-workers and even strangers who have stumbled upon my blog. They are my cheerleaders. They are my 'pushers'. They are key 7, my circle of support.

I know I've done well because I am a logical person... but no matter how logical I seem to be there is just something I seem to be unable to get a hold of and I don't know why.

Here are just some of the things that have gone through my head in the last couple of weeks. Be prepared, they're not pretty. I've thought:
  • geesh, after losing 42 pounds you'd think you'd look better. You're still pretty disgusting.
  • The 'other shoe' is going to drop any time now. You've lost this much weight in the past and what did you do... you gained it all back. Any time now you're going to fail.
  • It's your imagination that your body looks better. Look at yourself!
  • I've actually wondered if anybody would have guts enough to comment on my weight once I've gained it all back or will everybody sit silently and then just talk behind my back about what a shame it is because I had been doing so well.
  • Three times a week at the gym isn't enough for somebody your size.
  • You're just never going to look good. You're never going to look normal. No matter what you do, you're never going to be fit. You just waited to long, it's too late for you.

What in the hell am I thinking? Why in the world would I say those things to myself? I wouldn't even say most of those things to people I don't like and I've been known to be pretty mean! What is so wrong with me that I am so messed up in my head that after being this successful I still see myself as a failure or somebody bound to fail? Why am constantly looking over my shoulder or just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Am I NUTS?!?!?!?!

I'd love to blame this one on my childhood or the mean kids on the playground. I'd love to point a finger on a place in a timeline where I say 'this is when this started' and 'this is why it happened'. I'd love to say, ok I was told this all my life by other people so it's no wonder I tell myself this now, but I'd be a liar.

I have never had somebody constantly talk down to me. My parents have always been supportive of me, encouraging me. I have never had bullies on the playground mocking me. I didn't even have a bad relationship where I was verbally (or physically) abused in any way. This is just something that I can't put my finger on.

But whatever the cause, I've discovered I'm doing it and I'm doing it big time. I am absolutely self downing. It's incredibly ridiculous and uncalled for. I don't deserve to be treated like this by anybody and I sure as hell shouldn't be putting up with it from myself. Funny thing is, if somebody would say any of those things to me... outloud... to my face... I'd be so pissed... I'd be so angry... I'd tell them exactly what they could do with their negativity (along with a few other choice phrases). I would never in a million years stand idly by and let somebody berate me in such a way.

I am hoping by posting this here and acknowledging this monster that I've kept to myself that I can get it out of my system. There you have it. I'm my own worst enemy.

Who knows... maybe this post wasn't inspiring in the way that most people think of inspiration... but maybe somebody else will read it, who has some of the same feelings and will feel a little bit more normal, a little less like the freak on stage and a little more like part of the audience.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how I can relate to you on this subject. The "other" side of weight loss is just as important to share. I like to feel like I am not the only one with the same struggle. You are so brave for posting and blogging and sharing your inner most thought. I commend you.

Mymsie said...

It's been awhile since you posted this but I wanted to share that I struggle with the same thing. It's terrible! By last December I'd lost 50 pounds but have gained a lot of it back because of that evil, negative voice. Definitely a tremendous hurdle.