Unusual weigh in

This week on the scale I gained 0.8 pounds. It's nothing really but I was really expecting a drop this week. Hell I was expecting a big drop this week if I'm being totally honest. I've done super well in both my eating and my exercise. Very strange.

I don't even know how to spin this little gain. Is it water weight? Maybe, Aunt Flo is still here and I'm retaining. Is it my muscles holding onto some extra water because I've been lifting heavy recently? Possibly (when you lift weights you actually make little tears in your muscles which then hold on to water until they heal). Did I gain muscle since my last weight in? Doubtful (it takes a long time to actually put on significant amounts of muscle to change the scale.)

I don't know why... I just didn't lose. Hopefully this is some fluke and next week will show some true results of my efforts. Either way I'll keep on keepin on. Like I told somebody this week on www.thenest.com ... even if I don't lose in numbers I'm doing something beautiful and healthy for my body. I'm feeding it well and making it work hard.

Here's some quick stats since this month marks the one year anniversary of my life altering changes. I started in July 2006 at 301.18 pounds and almost exactly one year later am 241.34 so in one year I've dropped 59.84 pounds. Considering my goal was to drop 100 pounds in a year I've not done that great but I've learned so much along the way that I can hardly be pissed at myself.

My weight has stagnated since April really. I would LOVE to say it's a plateau but I hate to place the blame where it doesn't really belong. To me a plateau is when you're working out just as hard, eating just as well and still not losing. That's not the case with me. I've had a rough few months since April and weight loss went on the back burner. It is always a little voice in my head (amongst all the other voices, it's crowded in there!) but it hasn't been prominent like it was last year at this time. I am proud that I've maintained my loss since then though.

But like I've said before, weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. I'll make my goal, it's just taking longer than I planned. I'm determined that I can do it.
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p.s. I've added a couple new blogs to my weight loss blog roll on the side, check them out!

Had a great workout today.

It seems like it's been forever since I've worked out with my husband. When we first started working out we used all of the same equipment and did the same exercises but after a while we went our separate ways since we have different goals. Now other than riding to the gym together we don't really see much of one another once we arrive.

Well today we decided to be two wild and crazy kids and workout together. Not just together in the same gym but together, together. I'll tell you it was awesome!

I had forgotten how great it was to have him there beside me to push me. I forgot how much fun it was to encourage Marco as he grunts through his last few reps in his last set. I didn't forget how sexy he was when he worked out but it was nice to actually see those muscles "in action". Woohoo!

We did a combination of both of our routines making sure we lifted for each muscle group. It was really fun for me to try some new, never done before exercises that worked my muscles in new ways. It was great to lay on the bench side by side and count out our reps together as we did our chest press exercises. It was great to see the competitiveness in each of us as we pushed one another just a little bit harder and to lift just a little bit heavier. It was just nice to actually feel like we were working out together, a team.

It made me realize how lucky I am to have a partner like Marco. Not just in the gym but in everyday life. Today was really just a reflection of our entire relationship... pushing one another to new boundaries, encouraging one another to be better, to be stronger and working together as one solid unit. Today was a reminder of just how lucky I really am to have found such a wonderful man.

Thank you sweetie! I love your guts more than you'll ever know.

Icky goes down!

I've felt "icky" both yesterday and today. Not really sick or anything just icky. Like this morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and was appalled at what was looking back at me. Yuck.

I had fallen asleep with wet hair. That's always attractive. I put water on it to try to tame it a little but of course my curls and waves have their own agenda and today was "it doesn't matter what you put on me I'm not laying down but I will frizz for you" day.

I tried on 5 different shirts in a rainbow of colors trying to find the one that didn't make me look nearly as pasty as I obviously am, that also didn't magnify the nice big blazing zit on my face (which only looks even redder on my I'm-so-white-I-glow skin) but still didn't draw attention to the rather large black circles under my eyes.

I walked out of the bedroom dressed but defeated. There was no magic shirt or hair tonic in there that was going to make my head look any better. (My feelings of less that pretty-ness were later confirmed by the nice man in the Turkish fruit and veggie market who greeted me with a smile that was quickly followed by a shocked expression and then finally the question is his broken English "You are tired?" Yeah, thanks buddy.)

I made it through my day at the office and came home to one happy puppy and a nice salad that my sweet husband had brought me for supper. I had my supper and settled in to watch some TV in order to let my food settle before I headed to the gym.

The choice in TV matched how I felt... it was icky. Nothing was on. So I hopped on the computer to entertain myself. I didn't feel like sending anybody any emails (sorry guys!). I already read all my regular blogs yesterday and nobody posted anything new. Blah.

I felt icky, I was icky and I wanted to just remain icky. Marco called me to see how I was doing and of course I told him I was icky. He asked about going to the gym and of course I moaned and groaned. Then he gave me an out. He said "well if you're not feeling good then don't go to the gym." No guilt trip, no "Sarah you really should go because I went today" just a simple "ok then don't go".

We hung up and I was satisfied. Whew. I could sit here and fester in my ickyness and didn't have to worry about anything. I mean I have a right to feel icky and not workout don't I? I deserve a break when I need one don't I? Icky people shouldn't go to a public place and be seen by other non-icky people, should they? I am entitled to wallow in ick. Icky is a valid reason... well it's an argument...well, ok... it's an EXCUSE.

So I started thinking about my ickyness and feeling guilty (was this some sly sort of reverse psychology my husband played on me?!?!?!). I had Good Sarah and Evil Sarah duking it out on my shoulders. Is icky enough? Was I icky because I refused to de-icktify myself? How would I feel tomorrow if I let icky kick my butt today? What do the people on the Biggest Loser do on their icky days? WWJD (what would Jillian do?) with her ickyness?

I'm proud to say that icky went down in the book of "excuses that won't get you out of exercising". Again it was the whole Biggest Loser inspiration that made me finally say "you have to go even if you look and feel icky" and you know what? I no longer feel icky. Yes, I'm still as white as a a pair of porcelain veneers. My mega zit is still bright and shiny. My bags under my eyes are still hanging out. I didn't say I no longer LOOKED icky but I no longer feel icky.

My workout gave me renewed energy and I'm so very glad I pushed myself to go. One day of ickyness is enough to lead me into a weekend of excuses and missing the gym.

So I'm going to bed now in hopes that a good nights sleep will allow my outsides to catch up with my inner non-icky-ness!

Flashback to the days of ole.

A recent post by CCC (who's link is broken at the right hand side but I will fix shortly) really made my heart break. She talked about a past relationship that she was in where, because of her size, the man would only see her on the side and it led her to be a person that she wasn't really all that happy with. You can read her post here:

http://ccclessofme.blogspot.com/2007/07/who-am-i-doing-this-for.html

Besides making me want to reach through my computer and give her a huge enormous hug and tell her what a loser that guy was, her post also made me think back to the days when I was dating and made me think about the things that went on in my unthin world. Did my weight make me interpret people differently than I would have if I were thinner? Maybe... it's really hard to say but I'd like to think I was pretty real and pretty true to myself, back in the day.

I'll have to admit some of the things guys would say were just incredibly ridiculous though. It would be laughable at first and then later just piss me off. Numerous times (and I really mean numerous) men would strike up a conversation with me and before you know it (within minutes) they were saying things like "I like my girls with a little meat on their bones" or "I've always liked big girls". All of this was said with a straight face and an air of confidence in their voice.

Now... somebody tell me... when this guy was across the bar thinking of what kind of smooth lines he could come up with before he came to talk to me why in the world did he ever think that mentioning my weight would be a good idea? It would be like going up to somebody who had a hairy mole on their nose and saying "Hey sweetheart, I've always found the wicked witch to be a huge turn-on". It's just a bad idea.

Maybe they thought that by bringing up my obviously unthinness they were trying to let me know "hey I accept you for who you are" but it just never went that way in my head. In my head when men would say things like "I like big woman", to me, it always made me assume that they thought I should lack confidence or have no self-esteem or be shy or be embarrassed of myself or that I owed them some sort of apology for my size. Umm... screw that. What I was sorry for was that the train wreck of a man who thought that by letting me know that my super-size was "ok with him" was going to get him somewhere with me, like I needed his sorry ass to make me feel "ok" with who I was. I. freaking. doubt. it.

Was that the poor man's intentions? Who knows? I never stuck around long enough after a line like that to find out but I do know that I would never go up to the man at the bar with the prosthetic leg and say "arrrrghhhhhh matey" and think to myself "man this guy's soooo gonna want my number."

God I'm glad I'm done with dating!

Get Down, Get Funky!

Yeah, that's right. Get down and get funky! And when I mean funky I'm not talking about funky-cool I mean funky-odoriferous. It's all part of losing weight after all...going to the gym, getting all sweaty, slimy, and stinky and just plain old odoriferous!

But while you're getting kick-me-in-the pants-what-is-that-smell-did-something-die-in-here-oh-my-God-my-nose-hairs-are-burning sweaty you may as well get down with some good music on your Ipod (or MP3 play of choice).

Now I don't know if what I have can be defined as good music to everybody's ears but it's the stuff that I have on my Ipod and it gets me through every single one of my workouts. (before I go further with this I wanted to answer a question that was asked many blogs ago that I rudely forgot to answer about what kind of earphones I use. I don't use the earbuds because, well my ears sweat gallons and the buds are always falling out. I have these earphones that just hook over my ears and they're made by Phillips. I wouldn't object to wearing the old school, over the head ones that seem to be back 'in' either but my ear hook ones are great!)

Before I share my play list I must remind you of a few things:
1) I am almost 31 so some of my choices may be outdated for some younger people.
2) I spent most of my late teens and 20's in gay dance clubs so I listen to a lot of dance-y type music with long intros, one song can be 10 minutes long. I like this, many people don't.
3)Some songs are only good because they remind me of days on the dance floor, drunk off Captain and coke, smoking like a chimney and cuttin a rug with my friends and if they are listened to under other circumstances they may just suck and I don't realize it.

So there you have it and here you are... my play list in no particular order with some commentary when needed.

Bacardi Mojito Song (it's from a commercial that they play before movies here. I don't know if they have it in the US but it is one of the sexiest commercials I've ever seen and every single time I am mesmerized by it. Oh and the song's good too)

Beep, Buttons, Dont Cha &Stickwitu - Pussy Cat Dolls

Check Up on It - Beyonce

Keep Pushin (aka my anthem! see prior blogs) - I have the Borris Dlugosh mix which I love (after the long intro)

Candyman, Tell Me (featureing P. Diddy) and Dirty- Christina Aguilera

Come on Down and 100% Pure Love by Crystal Waters

Country Grammar, St. Louis & Tilt Ya Head Back (w/ Christina A.) - Nelly

Everybody Be Somebody - Ruffneck Dance Mix USA 96 ( I LOVE this song and it totally gets me going It's the song I play when I'm running out of zip)

Don't Call me Baby and Who the Hell are You - Madison Ave. (oldies but goodies)

Get Your Freak On, Pass that Dutch - Missy Elliot

Ignition - remix by R. Kelly

Sexy Back, What goes Around, Lovestoned, Senorita, and Girlfriend by Justin Timberlake (apparently I'm a bigger JT fan than I realized!)

My Milkshake - Kelis

Girl From the Gutter - Kina ( The Thunderpuss Remix is my favorite and I love this song! get through the long into and you will be pleased)

3AM - Matchbox 20

Push the Button, Round Round, Hole in the Head & In the Middle - Sugarbabes

Move This (Shake that Body) - Technotronic power plays (an extreme oldie but goodie)

The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Platters (I have no idea why but I love this song)

Pump It Up - Danzel

SOS & Pon De Replay - Rhiana

The Anthem - Good Charlotte (I love this song and it's another one that pushes me on until the end)

You're the Worst Thing For Me - Chris Cox and DJ Irene Remix by Puska featuring Thea Austin - X Factor May 2001 (WHEW! I worked up a sweat just typing that one out!)

Zookey (Lift your leg up) - Yves larock -Bob Sinclair Africanism Remix (super long intro but good anyway)

So there you go! That's what keeps my heart-a-pumpin while I'm working out, getting fit, getting healthy. If there is something I'm missing and just HAVE to have please let me know! I'm always hearing great songs on the radio that I want to download but either forget by time I'm home or don't know the name of so by all means share!

Yay!

Good news on the scale this morning. I lost 1.3 pounds this week. Yay! I was actually expecting a slightly bigger drop but I am retaining some water now and expecting the dreaded monthly visit soon so I have high hopes that next week will show some good numbers as well. It’s 1.3 pounds in the right direction and that’s a healthy weight loss in 7 days!

These days (thanks to a pep talk from Marco0 I’m trying extremely hard to keep myself focused on smaller goals and it seems to be helping. Instead of thinking “I’m 40 pounds from my goal” I’m trying to think “won’t it be great when I see 105 (kilos) on the scale (I’m 109.3 now). Keeping my eye on the little prizes along the way really help me from being overwhelmed by the larger task that lies ahead.

There's no "hocus pocus" when it comes to weight loss

This weekend may not have done much for my thighs but it did a number on my creative mind! Well actually not my creative mind but the creative mind of Ms. J.K. Rowling. I confess... I'm an addict. I love it. I live for it. I read it. I read them all..twice! I've seen all the movies... I've eaten the Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans... I even visited the website (more than once). It's true...

I LOVE HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!

This weekend was a true profession of my love. I dedicated my entire weekend to Mr. Potter. Friday Marco and I went and saw the latest Harry Potter movie in the theatre and then Saturday morning bright and early I made my way to the English Bookstore to pick up my pre-ordered copy. I began reading in the line to pay and didn't stop until Sunday night when I finally knew the destinies of the people that I'd grown to love over the past years.

I won't give away any of the story here as I'd hate to spoil it for anybody who hasn't finished it yet but I will say that J.K. Rowling is BRILLIANT and I loved every single thing about the book...about the entire series really. Her ability to make you care for, love, hope for, wish for, hurt for, feel for the characters is astounding. Her ability to allow you to really get to know them like they could knock on your door any minute and ask to borrow a cup of sugar is such an amazing gift. I could gush on and on and on about what a wonderful writer she is but this is supposed to be a weight loss blog so I'll try to tie the two together somehow.

I did have to put the book down Saturday when I had to sleep so I made a deal with myself then and there. I wasn't allowed to read any further in the book until my booty had visited the gym. Yeah, I could have easily woke up Sunday morning and said 'screw it' and stayed home but I really stuck to the terms and conditions I had laid out for myself. That's a pretty big accomplishment for me!

I went to the gym and had a really great workout. I was still a little sore from my Friday workout but I pushed myself and made it through all of my weights. I even wanted to stop my cardio after 10 minutes but found inspiration by thinking about the season of The Biggest Loser that's airing here and pushed myself to finish the whole set. Every time I wanted to stop I would think of Jillian (I think that's her name) yelling at her team the first few workouts really pushing them. I'd love to have been able to think of Bob but he's just too nice. I think if I'd ever be on the show I'd need a Jillian to kick me around for a while.

Up on that machine I would think of how determined those couples were once they got home and had to lose the weight on their own without their drill sergeant screaming in their faces. They had to find their strength within and so did I. I even pretended like I had a big prize (other than my health... I mean a REALLY big prize... like thousands of dollars or a dream wedding) depending on my weight loss for this week.

It's strange where I've been finding inspiration these days. Finding inspiration in The Biggest Loser isn't to strange but finding it in the Pussy Cat Dolls song "Stick Wit U" is not so normal, but I managed to do it.

I know it's a love song but just "stick wit me" for just a second and see if you get what I'm trying to sell ya here.

So I'm up on the elliptical machine thinking about those people on the Biggest Loser finding their strength within. Then I started thinking about why I was doing this whole thing. What is my strength? Why am I trying to lose weight? What am I getting out of this? Who is this for?

Then like magic the song was playing and I was listening to the words and it really told the story of why I am doing this. Because:


Nobody gonna love me better,
I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher,
I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me,
I must stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way,
I must stick wit u

Now quit laughing and listen to me. The song is true. Yeah so I'm singing a love song by a group who call themselves the Pussy Cat Dolls. I'm singing a love song to myself in less than perfect grammar and yes the words are spelled phonetically. But they're very true for me and my weight loss and they got me through that workout because:

"Nobody is going to love me better" than I love myself.

"I must stick with you (me) forever" as it's the only body I'll ever have.

"Nobody is going to take me higher" because my weight loss is in my own hands, if I don't do it for myself, nobody will do it for me, nobody can do it for me.

"I must stick with you" because it is up to me.

"You know how to appreciate me" and finally I do appreciate myself, my body.

"I must stick with you" I must stay focused and determined.

"Nobody ever made me feel this way" because nobody has that power, it has to come from within.

I must stick with you.


So there you go. That's how I turned a love song into a weight loss inspiration. See... and all this time you just thought the Pussy Cat Dolls were a bunch of hot women in tight-barely-there clothing that could shake their asses. Now you know, they can also inspire!

Inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GNzBFnUAdo

I know there is a way to post the actual video on here but I'm at work and not supposed to be blogging, let alone trying to figure out how to post a video.

This woman is just amazing. It's unbelievable what she's able to do no matter what her circumstances or challenges are. It's a long video but it's really amazing the skills she has. I just wanted to share it with you all.

*knock knock* anybody home?

Ok so I’m back. I think. I’m doing much much better now (emotionally) and thanks so much for all your thoughts, prayers and well wishes. I didn’t post my weigh-in yesterday because…well I forgot really. I did weigh in though and I was up 0.4 of a pound from last week which wouldn’t be bad if last week wasn’t already a gain of a pound. In all I’m not fretting too much over this last weigh-in or two. Weight loss has not been my focus in what seems like forever and I have actually maintained better than I thought I would. I did wind up going to the gym twice last week (even though I was shooting for 3 times) but one workout I really pushed my cardio hard and did 1.5 hours in one go so that counts for something right? It’s been a tremendous help that Marco is back on the workout wagon which motivates me to go too. Even if he goes during the day while I’m at work and I have to go by myself it still pushes me to get there just because I know he went.

I posted a while back that I was going to try tracking my calorie intake on www.sparkpeople.com to try to get my weigh back in a downward motion. Well that idea when quickly by the wayside when my life got crazy. I did do it for a couple days and it was really quite helpful after I got the hang of it (which was very difficult! I felt like a total moron and had to ask several questions on another message board to finally figure it all out). I have changed up my breakfast now since I was getting way more calories that I had imagined in my little yogurt, banana, granola, raisin and nut combo that I had been eating. I’m now having fresh fruit smoothies and am loving every bit of it. I like peach & apricot with vanilla yogurt (no fat) combo that I had last week and this morning I had a strawberry/banana/pineapple with fat free vanilla yogurt one that knocked my socks off! I measure out the fruit and yogurt in measuring cups so I know exactly what I’m getting. Lunches are now (usually) a salad consisting of tomato, red bell pepper and cucumber slices with some feta cheese and a little but of olive pesto. I highly recommend trying this out. It’s very tasty. My dinners are varying but lots of times we have garden salads with tuna thrown in or lean meats, starch and veggies (your typical meals I guess).

So that’s pretty much my update for this week. I’m planning on getting back into my whole blogging routine. If you’re still checking back every day thanks for sticking with me!

Skipped the gym all week (2nd week consecutively now) and gained one pound this week. I've been extremely down since our news last week. It hit me a lot harder than I expected and I've been a bit of a zombie. So many times I've logged in here hoping to be able to post something, hoping to be inspired, hoping just to get out of my slump but each time I'd end up just leaving my blog blank. Sorry for all of those who check back regularly. I'd love to say "THIS WEEK I'M GOING TO DO IT" but I don't want to make any promises. Marco and I have pledged to go to the gym this week so hopefully we'll at least stick to that. I'm not giving up, I'm just a little lost right now. I promise sometime soon my blog will be less of a downer.

This week I gained less than 1/2 a pound (0.4) which is understandable since I skipped the gym all week long. I have too much on my mind to even try to justify or make sense of anything. We're sitting here waiting for a call for the results so thought I'd pass the time by updating my blog.

I have been stagnating too long with my weight so I've decided to throw something new into the mix. I'm going to try to track my calories (so far I've only been tracking portions) to see if I can't move the scale in the right direction. The thought of tracking calories doesn't exactly thrill me as in the past it always seemed to make me obsess over food which isn't what I want at all. I'm willing to give it a try though but if I see myself getting obsessed I'll have to stop.

Thanks to everybody for keeping us in your thoughts. Hopefully we'll have the final decision in a few minutes or hours and we can finally move on, one way or another.

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It looks like we'll be moving on not one way but "the other". Marco's test results were not what we were hoping for as they were negative for any swimmers at all. No matter how much we could have tried to prepare ourselves for this news it was still a huge disappointing stomach turning blow. We'll never have biological children that are a little bit of him and a little bit of me. I'll never look at my child and see my husbands eyes or nose or smile. This was "it", the last chance.

Being the pillar of strength that he always is (or maybe he's just plain crazy), Marco has already called the clinic to make an appointment to use donor sperm. The man never ceases to amaze me. Whatever we're thrown he always seems to be able to push forward and never look back. Donor insemination is something we've been talking about for the past year while we waited for the TESE trial to get rolling but I just didn't expect him to be so "prepared" to make the call.

For now I'm still a little flabbergasted and emotional. I need some time to make peace with this I think. Good thing everything here takes ages so I'll have plenty of time to really digest the whole thing before any further appointments or moving forward.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled weight loss blog.