I'm back. I'm still not thrilled with myself but I thought I'd let you all know that I'm still here. I'm still going to lose weight. I haven't given up. I'm not going to quit. I've said all along that quitting is not an option. It's just not. It will never be an option.

I've been in kind of a weight loss haze since Tuesday's weigh in. During my angry run Wednesday night I did go over all the comments in my head that you guys left for me. There was some really great advice tucked away in there and it made me stop and think.

And think. And think. And think. So much of weight loss is a mental game. I've written before about people who say "weight loss is a simple process, it's more calories burned than taken in" like it's this easy child-like formula. If it were that simple, if it were really truly a + b = c then posts like I wrote on Tuesday wouldn't happen. So much of this is an internal struggle of emotions that have nothing, yet everything, to do with food.

I just can't believe that it's over a year into all of this and I am still struggling (at times) to get this right. It makes the task at hand just seem that much more daunting when I have serious periods of mental/emotional struggle. At the same time, I've always known that I would have moments like this along the way. I haven't been totally naive. It's just that when you imagine these meltdowns in your head you're never really prepared for the power of the explosion when it really does happen. It takes your breath away like a kick in the stomach.

I've had time to sit and catch my breath, "regroup" if you will. I don't know what I'm going to change (besides my pisspoor attitude) or how I'm going to make it work but I will change and it has to work. There's just no other option.

Mother @%^@#

***disclaimer: This post is not for the easily offended nor for those looking to be inspired or uplifted or encouraged. It will contain swearing. Lots and lots of foul mouthed swearing. It will also contain a bad attitude. A piss poor, bad, awful, screw the world, I’m fed up with trying attitude. You have been warned. If you are easily offended please come back on another day when I am no longer seething.***

So…I had a gain this week. I’m back up to 108.7 (or was it 108.9) I can’t really remember now. One kilo is 2.2 pounds for those who don’t use kilos. Gee how I’d love to say it doesn’t matter. I’m okay with it. It’ll come off. Keep on going Sarah. But you know what… it does matter. I’m not okay with it. It’s not coming off and I don’t want to keep going. I’m.fucking.tired.of.being.so.close.and.so.positive.and.so.fucking.sunshiny about all of this bullshit. Guess what?!?!? It’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows. Sometimes it just fucking blows. When I stepped on the scale this morning I actually said out loud “I quit”. Of course I didn’t stop with “I quit”. I continued on with “I fucking give up. I cannot do this anymore. I suck. I hate this. Why fucking try? This is just useless.” I continued to berate myself in the shower and the middle finger made a few appearances on my drive into work.

I’m tired of thinking and rethinking and thinking just one more time. I tired of writing about thinking. I’m tired of thinking about thinking. I’m tired of everything having to be such a fucking effort. I’m tired of wondering about every single morsel, snack, meal, drink. What sucks the absolute most is that this is how it HAS to be if I want to lose weight. I don’t have the option NOT to think. I’m tired of thinking of ways for this to work.

Maybe I’m just supposed to be an obese woman? Maybe that’s my fucking calling in life? How absolutely stupid I was to even think that I was hoping to be losing new weight soon. OF COURSE NOT! You’re going to just keep losing these same 6 or so pounds over and over and over, the same 6 pounds you lost back in APRIL and MAY and JUNE and JULY and now AUGUST, because this is where you’re supposed to be SARAH!

It’s just so fucking exhausting sometimes and I’ve had it. I’ve seriously just freaking had it. I look back at the posts I’ve made here recently and I’m pretty sure tendons in my eyes snapped from them rolling so far back in my head. Little miss positive and perky aren’t I? What a fucking moron. What a joke. What a bunch of shit. And to think I actually GIVE weight loss advice to others on their blogs! Where the hell do I get off? Here’s some freaking advice… DON’T LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A CLUE!!!!

(fine, I’ll add this other stupid disclaimer although I don’t want to really. I’m not going to give up but for fucks sake I’m just a little pissed. It ain’t purty but it’s my reality right in this very moment. If I'm to keep an accurate log of how this journey really goes then it's only fair I include this crap too)

Out of wack with priorities?

Marco and I were on our way home from shopping today and I made the statement that I was just going to have a relaxing evening at home and maybe even take a nap. He was going to be at work so it was supposed to be just me and Scoots hanging out. I had an inkling that I'd be doing some dancing later (see post from earlier today) but if I didn't that was okay with me.

So he left for work and I sat down to relax and catch up with some of my regular bloggers. Most of the blogs I read on a semi-daily basis are weight loss related. It's just inspiring to see other people who are dealing with the same issues I'm dealing with and I love to share any helpful advice I can with some of the newer people who are just starting out.

Most of my regular bloggers hadn't written anything recent. I commented on a few of the ones who had added a new post. I followed some of the other commentors to discover new blogs. I checked their blog rolls to find other weight loss blogs. I spent a good part of an hour reading about weight loss.

Then I got to thinking. What if I dedicated as much time to losing weight as I did to reading about losing weight? I guess that statement is a bit unfair as I am totally 100% trying to lose weight every day and it's on my mind with every meal and snack I make. But what are my priorities?

There isn't a day that I don't click into at least 3 (and usually more) other weight loss blogs to see what my fellow 'losers' are up to but there are plenty of days where I don't dedicate myself to a workout of any kind. What if I dedicated that time to working out instead of sitting behind the computer? What if I even dedicated half of that time to exercising? That's 30 minutes a day I could be exercising. That means today instead of sitting here wishing one of my bloggers would have blogged about something new, I could have been jumping rope, walking, jogging, riding my bike, lifting some weights... even just stretching out. Instead of burning 20 calories clicking away on different sites I could have burned 200 outside playing catch with the dog (and he would have LOVED it).

I think I need to give myself a quick reality check. Am I really as dedicated to losing weight as I think I am? Yes, I want to lose weight. I talk about it a lot. I write about it. I do eat to lose weight. Some days I work out to lose weight. But do I really give my weight loss the type of dedication it deserves? I mean, it is my health here that we're talking about. Should that precede over reading another blog about weight loss?

I do want to be real though. I realize that not every minute of the day can be spent trying to lose weight via exercise. I do realize I need down time. I do also realize that having a network of fellow bloggers out there struggling along side me can be (and is) very beneficial and actually I think it's extremely important.

I think today was a wake-up call that was a long time coming. After really thinking about what I've done today that would actually benefit my heart, my muscles, my weight loss, (it didn't take long to think about it as I hadn't done anything really) I got dressed and took the dog outside to play. He was thrilled. I played fetch until he couldn't breathe anymore and then I brought him back in and went for a jog. It's something I haven't done for a very long time. I ran for about 30 minutes then I came home and did a few strength training exercises and hit the shower.

I'm going to try and dedicate just as much time, if not more, to getting in a little bit of exercise each and every day as I do to reading about losing weight. Exercise of some sort should be a part of my daily routine. If I can read blogs for 30 minutes a day there is just no good excuse for me not to be exercising 30 minutes every day. I deserve that.

BMI oh my!

I just realized that after I lose 26 more pounds I will no longer be able to say that I am obese! Of course I'll still be over weight but that just seems like a much nicer word than obese doesn't it?

"I'm Sarah and I'm obese" just sounds yucky. It sounds like there is no hope. You're not just over weight... you're obese (and let's not even throw in the "morbidly" part). Obese just sounds so definite like there is no chance for me, no hope. You're not just chubby or thick or chunky... you're obese. What a rotten word.


"I'm Sarah and I'm over weight." Ahhhh that sounds nice doesn't it? It sounds like I have much more control in the matter. It's a little like "yeah, I've got a few pounds to drop but it'll happen".

I'm not one to be obsessed with labels but I will have to admit, I'm pretty excited to soon be over weight. Now that's not something you hear every day.

(and only 35 pounds after those 26 pounds will I no longer be labeled overweight but let's get 'obese' taken care of first.)

Dripping with cheese...

And I'm not talking about food! It's ME that's dripping with cheesiness! I didn't want to go to the gym because of my back injury (which is doing MUCH better) but I did want to get in some sort of cardio. I decided to slip on my Ipod, slip off my clothes, put on my sports bra, undies and workout shoes, close the blinds and dance my pants off (well they were already off) in my living room. (cheesy move #1)

So I started movin' and a swayin'. I threw in a "running man" and "the cabbage patch" along with some other hot moves (I even did the St. Louis dance and thought of Keith and Josh) and was just having a great time knowing that nobody in the world would ever believe that I do stuff like this if I wouldn't confess it over the Internet. (makes ya wonder what other nut jobs are doing!)

"(Bump) Like This" by Kelly Rowland and Eve was on and I just cannot seem to get enough of that song for whatever reason. I bet I listened to it a good 8 to 10 times yesterday. I "bumped" along with Kelly and Eve and managed to work up a sweat. I needed a drink.

I shimmied and shook past the mirror on my way to the kitchen and saw how utterly ridiculous I looked in my workout "clothing". I literally laughed out loud at the site of myself. There is just something about a white sports bra, pink striped panties paired with sock and tennis shoes that will crack a girl up.

So I did something even cheesier than dancing half naked in my house. I grabbed my water bottle from the fridge and two-stepped my way into the bedroom.

I opened my closet and pulled out a dress I bought for a wedding about 6 years ago. It only fit me for a short amount of time before I "grew" out of it. I don't even know why I kept it to be honest. I put it on. It fit. In fact, it was too big on top.

So then I was dancing in my little black dress and my socks and tennis shoes. I boot-scooted back to the mirror to take a look and laughed again. I don't think anybody call really truly pull off a dress with sneakers.

Cheesy move #3. I kicked off the workout shoes and put on my black strappy high heels. MUCH better. So there I was all alone at home in a hot black dress and sexy sandals, dancing by myself, working up quite a sweat. I shook my arse for a good 30 minute workout.

I don't know if I should laugh at the ridiculousness of it all or cry at the ridiculousness of it all. But the ultimate cheese of it all (cheesy move #4) is that I'm looking forward to doing it again tonight!

I've quit the gym

Marco and I went Thursday and gave our one month notice at the gym. But this isn't the bad news it may seem to be. We're quitting this gym because we're getting a new place! We're FINALLY getting out of this one bedroom tiny apartment and are moving into a much bigger three bedroom apartment in another part of Amsterdam (in Sloten for any Dutchies reading).

It was kind of sad turning in my notice at the sweat box. I still remember when Marco and I first went to the gym to check it out and how new and shiny and exciting the whole thing was. I have had some great trainers, some great workouts, some funny firsts, some deep thoughts... it's just been one of the biggest keys in my success so far.

I still haven't seen a gym in our new neighborhood but I've been told there are some. We don't be moving until September or maybe even October so I still have time to look around and find something that suits us.

Marco and I have tossed around the idea of foregoing the membership and taking some personal classes or lessons instead. I was thinking salsa or some sort of high intensity dance stuff. I believe he may have been thinking something a bit more sporty, like kickboxing. Maybe we'll do a mix of the both.

It does scare me a bit to think of not having that membership though. Am I strong enough to push myself on my own? Will I be dedicated enough to find cardio to do by myself? Will the temptation of sitting on the couch, vegging out be even stronger when I know I'm not paying the gym for their "services"? It's scary.

I did lose my first 30 pounds without a gym membership, so it can be done but maybe those first 30 were easier than these next 40 will be?

I can begin jogging outside again I suppose. I got away from jogging after joining the gym and finding that the elliptical machine causes less soreness/pain in my feet. There is a great soccer field right out back that I could run around. We'll be on the bottom floor so I can do some jumping rope without having to worry about knocking the downstairs neighbor's chandeliers off the walls. There will be plenty flights of stairs in the building that I can run up and down if I wanted to. I can get that exercise ball I've been eyeing at the sports store and maybe buy some more hand weights to keep my muscles in shape. Maybe I could even look into some DVD's to do some cardio at home. (I have looked for some already here but for whatever reason I can't find an updated workout video, everything is still from the 1980's it seems).

It's all possible. I can do all of these things. But will I? God I hope so.

OWWWWWWWW!

I have myself a back injury. I’d love to say it was due to some excruciating workout at the gym where I sweated buckets and lost inches off my arse in one go. The true story isn’t nearly as fascinating as that though. I was walking into the kitchen to make Scooter, my dog, breakfast when the entire middle of my back seized into a ball sending me down to kiss my toes quietly yelling “ouch ouch ouch ouch” as it was only 7:45 AM I didn’t want to wake the neighbors by screaming “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS PAIN!”. Yes folks, I got an injury from walking.

I was able to straighten up most of the way but when I stood fully erect the muscle would contract and once again send me back down, whimpering. I made it to work, driving was interesting to say the least. I took some pain killers that seemed to do absolutely nothing for me. I’m fairly certain I need muscle relaxers but trying to get anything but Tylenol from Dutch doctors is like pulling teeth. My boss gave me some Tiger Balm to rub on it last night before I went to bed and that seemed to help a little but at 5 this morning that tiger had had its last roar and I was in agony again. (it’s not really agony, just a bit of wincing pain really but agony sound better when you write it.)

I’m not really sure what caused this muscle spasm. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, especially at work and my shoulders and lower back had been aching for a few weeks. Last week the muscle pain spread from my back to up under my ribs. I’m trying to tell myself “let it go, let it go, let it go” but when you physically hold in stress I don’t think any chanting is going to help or at least any chanting that I’ve tried. Work stress on top of my every day life stresses recently is just a prescription for pain. I know I should go in for a massage but massages are kind of the extra little perks in life that don’t fit into our budget right now.

Marco put a fresh coat of magic balm on me before I left for the office this morning and I’m sitting here warm and tingly emitting a lovely eucalyptus/menthol vapor from under my shirt. Needless to say I’m skipping the gym so my food intake is going to play a huge role in my number on Tuesday.

Grrrrrrrr...

What a craptastic start to a day. Let me preface this by saying I have been "cheat" weighing Sunday and Monday to get an idea of what to expect Tuesday morning on the scale.

Sunday I was pleasantly surprised, I had dropped 1.2 kilos (2.64 lbs) from last Tuesday's weight in, coming in at 106.5. WOOHOO! I was OFFICIALLY losing new weight!

Then Monday I was still happy to see that, although different from Sunday, I was still down 1.1 kilos (2.42 lbs) at 106.6. Still woohoo worthy as that would mean I was back down to my lowest weight ever once again.

Now today, my official weigh in day, I wake up just itching to get on the scale, knowing I'm going to have yet another loss to post about, making it three weeks in a row of losses (a Turkey Loss, if you will) but what does the scale say? 107.7...what?!?!?! Actually it said 107.8 twice but 4 times it said 107.7 so I took that one).

How in the world did THAT happen and WHY couldn't it have happened tomorrow, NOT on my official weigh in day?

I know your weight can fluctuate by a few pounds on any given day. I'm just a bit bummed it chose today to fluctuate. That sucks.

I spoke too soon...

Remember how I was saying I haven't been feeling like eating most days and that nothing sounds good and attributed my weight loss to my sudden aversions to all things edible?

Well my appetite met it's match on Saturday night. Nothing sounded good all day long. I had a breakfast bar for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and just did NOT feel like cooking what we had planned out for dinner. Marco threw out some suggestions but none of them sounded good. Then three little words popped into my head that made taste buds do a dance.

The Taco Shop

Did you hear the choir of angels sing "aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh"? I know I sure did.

The Taco Shop is an authentic Tex-Mex shop (is it possible to be authentic and tex-mex?) in Amsterdam that is run by people who make Tex-Mex like no other. It's better than most of the Mexican restaurants I've been to in the mid-west as a matter of fact. I say this all the time but only because it's so true, the taste and aroma of food has the ability to take you to an entire different place in your life and The Taco Shops transports me right back home with the very first bite.

We only visit The Taco Shop about every 3 months or so, if that. Marco's not a big fan of Mexican so I really have to do some persuading to get to go and actually sometimes I even forget about it. Saturday I remembered!

I took a quick look over the menu and after about 3.4 seconds of thought, decided upon the biggest cheese drenched Sanata Fe burrito thing, smothered in a rancho sauce that comes with a side of rice and corn chips. Real healthy huh?

It was the best freaking burrito ever. I enjoyed every cheese smothered bite and I finished the entire burrito, minus a few of the beans. I didn't eat the chips or the rice but who needed to after that mega meal?

We left the restaurant and headed directly to our favorite Italian Ice cream shop, Pisa Ijs (pronounced Ice) where I had a small cup of 3 different flavors which were equally as divine as the meal.

I have a feeling that I should feel guilty but you know what? I don't. At all. It was a once in a very great while thing and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I'm not going to become a repeat offender of the calorific evening and like I told The Pound Slayer in his post about if he should give into his craving for a hot fudge sundae or not. Nobody got healthy by eating one salad and nobody got fat by having one sundae (or burrito or piece of cake or whatever it is you're craving).

And to quote... well myself...nothing is done or undone in one snack, one meal, one day, one week or even one month. I had a fantabulous meal. I enjoyed it. It's over. On I go.

Never in my life...

Over the past year my life has definately been overhauled, thanks to Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions (oh come ON! I haven't pimped his book out in a long time, quit rolling your eyes!) and some hard work on my part. I am no longer the person I was a year ago and that's a very good thing. I've been thinking recently about the things I used to do to myself with food and what havoc my emotional eating used to wreak on my body. Here's a run down of some of the way's I've abused my belly and body with food over my lifetime.

• I've stuffed myself so full that I've actually gotten sick.
• I've eaten to cure boredom/heartache/stress/happiness/illness.
• I've purposely worn clothes that are "feed-your-face-like-you'll-never-eat-again" friendly (read: elastic) because I actually planned to stuff myself to the gills.
• I've convinced myself that if nobody sees me eat it then I haven't really eaten it and it doesn't count.
• I declared Thursday a weekly public holiday and called it "Fat Free Thursday". The meaning behind F.F.T. was that you could pretend that everything you ate on Thursdays was fat free even if it wasn't. Steak and Shake anybody? SURE! It's fat free Thursday. MMM I'm gonna have a 2 way with a Chili 5-way.
• I've snuck food away from a common eating place because I knew it wasn't good for me and I was embarrassed and ashamed to be seen eating it.

There's a plethora of other horrible ways I used to manipulate and violate my poor body but I'll spare you the gory details.

Since I've started my most recent weight loss endeavor and dropped some weight I've also dropped these habits. It didn't happen over night and some of them didn't leave without a fight but I feel like I really have control now. That's something that I've never felt before ever... in my whole entire life. It's empowering.

But that's not what I'm talking about with the title of this post. Although I've never in my life felt so in control of my eating, I've had another "never in my life" moment or two in the past few weeks (actually about 10 out of the 14 days). It has definitely contributed to my last few losses come weigh-in time.

I've actually experienced food aversions. *an audible gasp is heard from the crowd (of three)* Yes, I have actually been nauseated by the thought of eating. The idea of passing a morsel of sustenance through my lips actually made me get goose bumps (or chicken skin as the Dutch refer to it) and do that strange shaky thing with my body. You know the one, where your entire body shudders and you stick your tongue out making the "I've never been so repulsed in my life" face... oh that's just me?).

The thought of eating/cooking/buying food has made my stomach turn. I did not think that this would ever be possible. (and please do not suggest that I'm pg. I'm not.)

I really don't know what to contribute this sudden aversion to food to. It's not too hot to eat and honestly I could be in the middle of the Mojave and still feel like a little something, ya know? I'm not taking any medication that would cause it. It's like I've been zapped off into a different realm but everybody else stayed the same.

But recently, in the past few weeks I have actually skipped whole meals, opting for a fruit or snack bar (or in some cases nothing, which I know isn't good for me but I just didn't feel like eating) instead because I just couldn't be bothered to actually eat.

I took a trip to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner and walked out empty handed. An entire grocery store and I couldn't find one single item that I wanted to eat.

I've taken this odd-albeit-good-for-my-weight-loss new happening in my life and kind of ran with it. I've been thinking that this as possibly the next step in my weight loss where I try to tune into my body more and listen to hunger signals to tell me when to eat rather than eating when it's time. It's called "Intuitive Eating" and there's a great book out there on it (that I haven't read).

Maybe the chapter of my weight loss book-of-life, where I deal with my emotional eating and form a new healthier outlook on food, is closing and a new one, is taking shape? It's a bit early to tell but we shall see.