Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mother @%^@#

***disclaimer: This post is not for the easily offended nor for those looking to be inspired or uplifted or encouraged. It will contain swearing. Lots and lots of foul mouthed swearing. It will also contain a bad attitude. A piss poor, bad, awful, screw the world, I’m fed up with trying attitude. You have been warned. If you are easily offended please come back on another day when I am no longer seething.***

So…I had a gain this week. I’m back up to 108.7 (or was it 108.9) I can’t really remember now. One kilo is 2.2 pounds for those who don’t use kilos. Gee how I’d love to say it doesn’t matter. I’m okay with it. It’ll come off. Keep on going Sarah. But you know what… it does matter. I’m not okay with it. It’s not coming off and I don’t want to keep going. I’m.fucking.tired.of.being.so.close.and.so.positive.and.so.fucking.sunshiny about all of this bullshit. Guess what?!?!? It’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows. Sometimes it just fucking blows. When I stepped on the scale this morning I actually said out loud “I quit”. Of course I didn’t stop with “I quit”. I continued on with “I fucking give up. I cannot do this anymore. I suck. I hate this. Why fucking try? This is just useless.” I continued to berate myself in the shower and the middle finger made a few appearances on my drive into work.

I’m tired of thinking and rethinking and thinking just one more time. I tired of writing about thinking. I’m tired of thinking about thinking. I’m tired of everything having to be such a fucking effort. I’m tired of wondering about every single morsel, snack, meal, drink. What sucks the absolute most is that this is how it HAS to be if I want to lose weight. I don’t have the option NOT to think. I’m tired of thinking of ways for this to work.

Maybe I’m just supposed to be an obese woman? Maybe that’s my fucking calling in life? How absolutely stupid I was to even think that I was hoping to be losing new weight soon. OF COURSE NOT! You’re going to just keep losing these same 6 or so pounds over and over and over, the same 6 pounds you lost back in APRIL and MAY and JUNE and JULY and now AUGUST, because this is where you’re supposed to be SARAH!

It’s just so fucking exhausting sometimes and I’ve had it. I’ve seriously just freaking had it. I look back at the posts I’ve made here recently and I’m pretty sure tendons in my eyes snapped from them rolling so far back in my head. Little miss positive and perky aren’t I? What a fucking moron. What a joke. What a bunch of shit. And to think I actually GIVE weight loss advice to others on their blogs! Where the hell do I get off? Here’s some freaking advice… DON’T LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A CLUE!!!!

(fine, I’ll add this other stupid disclaimer although I don’t want to really. I’m not going to give up but for fucks sake I’m just a little pissed. It ain’t purty but it’s my reality right in this very moment. If I'm to keep an accurate log of how this journey really goes then it's only fair I include this crap too)

9 comments:

Meri said...

Hi Sarah,
I don't have a blog but i've been reading yours for a couple months now. As my trainer would say to me "GOOD! Get pissed and now show me what you've really got!" I've been stuck in the same "lets lose the same 5lbs over and over again" rut and this week i'm pissed just like you. I know exactly what I should be doing and how to do it, but for some reason.....

My trainer calls it complacency. We are so happy we've lost so much weight and look great, we get happy. Thats a bad thing, right? haha. I've lost 40lbs so far and have 20 more to go. I've been stuck since January. YES, JANUARY! So I decided this weekend i can no longer say "i've lost 40lbs, isn't that good?" but now i have to say, "OK, i'm at 180, i'm not satisfied with that, I need to lose 20lbs, not 20 MORE lbs". So i'm starting all over. My goal is no longer to lose 60lbs, its to lose 20. I can't dwell on the 40 i've already lost. That doesn't matter anymore, since it happened 9 months ago.

Anyway, nobody expects you to be little miss positivity all the time, its good to get pissed. Use that as your energy to run that extra mile or finish those extra couple of reps. Use it to set your new goals and reset your mind. You are no longer the Sarah that has LOST X amount of lbs, you are the Sarah that wants to LOSE X amount of lbs. And guess what, you know you can do it because you already have!

*ccc* said...

I'm not going to sit here and give you pithy words of wisdom or hugs of encouragement and I'm not going to be all cheery either.

You know why?

Because I've been there. I've been p*ssed about the lack of progress. I've kicked a scale and let out a stream of obscenities. I stormed out of a WW meeting and sat in my car alternately swearing and sobbing. I've told myself (and my husband) that maybe, just maybe I was supposed to be fat forever.

It happens. And you're allowed to be p*ssed. Get it out. Kick something (but don't break your foot). Scream.

And then do what you have to do--get back up, pick yourself up and keep going. Because in the end, you realize there's more than stretchy clothes and chocolate. You realize there are less positives to being overweight than we think.

Keep plugging girl and know eventually, it WILL happen. It took me five weeks to see the scale go down. Five weeks. And I'm still in disbelief--it better not go back up this week or I'll go postal--but that moment when you see the progress...it's all the more sweeter.

Go channel this anger into a kickboxing workout. I bet you'll rock!

Chic Ink Designs said...

I love your honesty Sarah. Seriously, your honesty and your unique insight on this process is what had me hooked on your blog from the beginning. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for getting angry. Woman, you're human, we all have our ups and downs. Now, dust yourself off and get back on the wagon. You're only angry because you want this so bad, if you didn't care about losing weight, this momentary gain would not affect you in the least. Use this angry energy to power yourself through the next week, and lose that crap.
You can do it girl! I'm in the same battle as you, and I know how sucky it can get, but you have come so far, and you can go further.

-Sarah (from Miami)

Erin said...

Good for you for getting mad! It's great to read your honesty, whether you're postive or pissed off!;)

I've been stuck before and have actually thrown my scale in the garbage when it's shown a gain after busting my ass all week. It's hard work and you like to be rewarded for it damn it! After awhile that positivity just starts to feel like a farce because you feel like you're kidding yourself and your body has some sort of vendetta against you. It's frustrating and it SUCKS. And what are you really suppose to do about it? There is no quick fix repair kit to get you going in the right direction.

And honestly, I am SO sick of drinking water. I know it's supposed to help with weight loss but no amount of adding lemons and such will make me forget how sick I am of water!

You need a time like this every once in a while and everyone has them. I myself don't have a blog or believe me, I'd have a tantrum on there daily;)

You go ahead and get mad because I'm mad for you. Use that anger now to open a can of whoop-ass and show that scale whose boss (or just throw it away like I do...but yeah, I retrieve it later on ::rolling eyes::...to keep buying new ones would just get expensive)

Angela said...

Sarah--
I'm right there with you today...with the weight gain and the bad attitude. Just don't quit. Go break something, but don't quit.

Sonya said...

You're blog was a breath of fresh air. I HEAR YOU SISTER! I am feeling the same way (and I haven't been doing this that long either). Thank you for your post.

Good for you for not giving up. You can do it, we can do it and we're aloud to bitch and complain as much as we want to along the way!!!!

I'll be keeping an eye on you from now on. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

ttfn,
Sonya

sunshine said...

Another lurker replying for the first time here... I SO feel you on this. I've been losing the same ten pounds for the past three months as well and want to fling my scale out the window. It's so tiring to bust your butt for so long and then just stall. Stupid body, get it in gear!

Your blog really is inspirational - good luck kicking through this plateau.

A girl on a mission....100 pounds to go!!! said...

http://dietingbattle.blogspot.com/

My goodness, you are an inspiration to everyone! You have lost sooo much weight. Every uphill battle is makes the downhill more easier- this is a test to your motivation and makes the journey more challenging- but, remember you are doing this for YOU. You are what matters the most!

Your Blog is great! I'm going to add you to my favorites!

Keep up the great work!

http://dietingbattle.blogspot.com/

dancer-in-me said...

AMEN!! And thanks for your honesty. I couldn't have said it better!