Sunday, October 21, 2007

IF and only IF

I try not to discuss our fertility problems on here too much for a couple reasons. This is a weight loss blog and I like to try to stay "on task" and focused. I mean, I'm sure if you wanted to read about somebodies reproductive problems you'd google "fertility blogs" and go from there. I also avoid the issue a lot because it is extremely difficult to talk about at times, emotionally speaking. Since being diagnosed with "azoospermia" in early 2006 we have been taken on a tumultuous roller coaster ride that just seems endless. We would have times of complete elation thinking we were on our way to becoming parents followed by weeks and months of desperate sadness not knowing if our hopes of having a baby would ever come to be. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I've never been a big fan of roller coasters. I get motion sick easily (like on regular old swings in a park) and I'll be glad when the gates open and finally let us off this particular trying ride.

I tried to keep weight loss separate from fertility because they're two different facets in my life but at the same time they're one on the same. No, our IF (infertility) isn't caused by my weight, although many people automatically assume so when they find out we are having difficulties, but our infertility has been a driving point in my weight loss. My journey began because I needed something to focus on to take away from my hurt and anxiety over our diagnosis. I began this trip not just because I needed to drop some weight (okay a ton of weight) but because I needed an outlet for my fears and frustrations. I'd love to think that even if we weren't dealing with IF that I would still be doing great things for my body and my health but the truth is that I'm not so sure that's true.

With every pound I lose I think to myself "I am just that much healthier for when I do become a Mom". With every weight I lift or habit I break a little voice in the back of my head whispers "way to go, you're that much closer to being the kind of person you want to be for your child" or "now you will be able to set a good example". It's amazing... this little "being" that hasn't even been created yet is already so powerful. This "child" has already got me wrapped around it's tiny little finger. This dream of ours is so loved by me that I am making changes that I have never been able to make in my life before...ever.

As I blogged earlier this week we've had some good news come our way. And with that hopeful news I've seem to have taken a few steps in the wrong direction. I'm officially calling myself out on them now in hopes that they will stop ("they" being the voices in my head). Although we just got the news on Wednesday I've been in a bit of a "panic" since. The logical thing would be to try and lose as much as I can, to stay on task, to focus in order to be as healthy as possible for a hopeful impending pregnancy. But when have I ever been logical? Not this week, that's for sure.

The more I think about the possibility that I could be a mom in the next year or so the worse I seem to eat. Some people only associate emotional eating with depression but I'm here to put a stop to that big fat (no pun intended) myth. I'm thrilled to death right now but still eating emotionally. To be fully honest I've been on cloud nine, in la-la land, floating on a cloud, tip toeing through the tulips (and all of those other cutsie phrases that mean "so happy I could pee") and seem to be having an out of body experience. It's like I'm eating food that I know I don't need or even want and I say to myself "self, you don't need that" but my body doesn't respond. My brain has suddenly become detached from my head. The good Sarah on my shoulder is getting the piss kicked out of her by the devil Sarah on the other side. I'm just so unfocused and the worst part about it is that I'm not depressed so I don't even have the whole guilt thing going on to put an end to it. "Elation eating" is a dangerous path to travel and I've been flying down it full speed ahead. I'm realizing it now though. I'm calling myself out. I'm giving good Sarah the tag and I'm mentally kicking bad Sarah in the crotch. Elation eating has to stop.

So although our IF isn't weight loss related, it's still a close relative. It's relative because it has been a driving force behind my success. It's relative because I do want to be a good healthy smart eater and pass those traits on down the line. It's relative because I should be as healthy as possible before expecting my body to be expecting.

So I vow to wipe this permanent grin off of my face that has been there since Wednesday and get back to work. Well, I can work and smile at the same time can't I?


Lauren said...

Good luck.

(bills)clare said...

hi-- i quit the nest (too much pressure!)but i still read your blog obsessively-- err, faithfully-- and i'm really, really happy that you've had some good news. and now that you've faced your elation eating, it'll probably pass. just keep thinking about those kick-ass boots.