Saturday, January 31, 2009

Guilty.

It's been a rough week. As I eluded to in an earlier post (or maybe I just flat out said it I can't remember right now) I had a bit of a break down at work on Monday and have been off this whole week to "catch up on sleep".

Well Monday and Tuesday went well because, well, nobody messes with a woman "on the verge" so it seems. Marco's parents kept Sadie as they would have if I had gone to work and I relaxed, napped, got my make-up done at the Sephora counter (note: do not expect to get an "everyday, natural" look from the woman sporting the blue, all around the eye-eyeliner with matching sparkly blue, I'm talking chunks of sparkles here, eyeshadow. It's just not in the cards.) and had some "me" time. So those days, yeah I felt wonderful, invigorated, ready to face the world again. Then of course I was flung back into the land of motherhood with a non-sleeping almost 6 month old and now I'm just about right back where I started. Exhausted. I'm not near to the edge as I was Monday but then again I haven't had to deal with a demanding job this week. Next week it's back to it though and although right now the edge is in the distance it wouldn't take but a few shoves to get me right back to it I'm sure.

On a brighter note, my dearest Marco confessed he really had no clue how bad all of this was bothering me until I sobbed in his shirt for hours on end, confessing my lack of mothering skills, what a horrible person I am and how I just can't handle it like he does. He has always gotten up with the baby and taken his paternal responsibilities seriously and fairly but now he has vowed to help out a little more. This, of course, makes me feel like a total ass because he is the best Papa in the world to Sadie, the best husband to me and he does more for us than any man I've ever known to do for his family and now... now he's willing to do MORE because of me, because I can't sleep? I'm-such-a-dick.

And of course, once again, I have the Infertile Woman's Guilt, as it's come to be known. I know a ton of women who would LOVE to be woken up by their own baby 100 times a night if it meant they could be a mother but they aren't lucky enough to have their baby. I am one of the lucky infertiles, I have my little pumpkin here with me and all I can think about is how I want to sleep. Not that motherhood is all puppies and rainbows just because we had a hard time conceiving but still... this guilt, this I-have-a-baby-after-dealing-with-infertility guilt, is something you just can't help but have. "Such-a-dick, table for 1!"

So that's why my food logs haven't been consistent this week, in case you were wondering. Now I am really testing the "people who log their food intake lose more weight" theory. Not that one week really proves anything. I am, however, waving goodbye to Aunt Flo, kicking her ass out the door, so hopefully some of my bloaty swelling will leave with her making the scale tip in my favor on Tuesday... stay tuned for more "WIWM.02 has lost her freaking mind". It's riveting stuff, ain't it?

4 comments:

The Atkinsons in Amsterdam said...

I read in Shape magazine that sleep deprivation causes weight gain.
Also, hang onto the fact that eventually she will sleep through the night. At some point! Good luck.

Anonymous said...

sounds like you might have post-partum depression. Have you talked to your doctor?

Shannon said...

Hey, it sounds like you're going through a lot of stress (and a huge lack of sleep) - if you can just maintain your weight through this, that's huge! I hope things quiet down for you soon.

Kirsten said...

I would concentrate (as you've been doing) on what makes YOU feel good. That will, in turn, show Marcos that you're a happy Mommy and relax him a little. You are NOT alone, I too suffer from sleep problems (my whole family in fact) and remember that just lying down, you can still get 75% of the true benefits of sleep. Don't give up, I'm rooting for you all the way!