Friday, January 09, 2009

big sigh

So I have been avoiding the blog lately and not for the reasons you may think, although my weight is partially to blame a larger part of the avoidance is just my state of being right now.

I did weigh myself Tuesday morning and threw up a little in my mouth when I saw the mighty number 129 kilo on the scale. yuck. I am not discuraged though. I fact I am feeling quite the opposite about my ability to lose this weight. I did it before and I'll do it again and this time there will be no pregnancy to throw a wrench in my plans and I will finish, meet my goal and do my victory dance (and buy that really nice dress in the really expensive shopping street).

But honestly, the real reason I've been MIA is because I'm having severe bouts of homesickness. It has been especially hard for me to adjust being back in the Netherlands this time round. I always have a little bit of sadness after returning from the US but this time is so much harded than any of the times before. I've been here in Europe 5 years now and have never cried so much post-vacation. In fact I don't know if I've ever cried once getting back into work and life as usual. Maybe it's still pregnancy hormone fluctuation but whatever it is, I am Debby Downer in a big way.

I always miss my family but now I miss them more, I think for Sadie's sake. I loved having my Mom and Dad be with her, play with her, sing to her... it was so very special for me and to know I probably won't have that with them again for another year or so really breaks my heart. When I married Marco I knew our lives would be different than I ever imagined my life would be growing up but I don't think you can ever really prepare yourself for this kind of thing, these kind of feelings, no matter how open and honest you are with yourself about the challenges you will face as an "international couple". Babies do that to you I guess.

As always, there was not enough time with the people that we love. I felt like I hardly even saw my sister Jill. I didn't get to spend enough time with my nieces and nephews. My visits with my friends were too short and not frequent enough. It just wasn't enough... but I don't think it can ever be 'enough'.

So that's where I am right now. Really overweight and really sad. I don't need a pity party but I have always been very open with "you guys" so I thought I'd let you know where I was both physically and mentally.

On a brighter note... we got our Wii but the Wii Fit is sold out everywhere. We're stalking the toy and video stores like maniacs and will surely have one by the end of the month. I can't wait! In the meantime I have been doing well with my eating (well, better), definately better with my fluid intake, and have even been exercising a little with some brisk walks.

So if you're still with me, please have patience with me and my blog until I can snap myself out of this funk.

please note the new link on the right hand side under "weightloss inspirations" called "Weight Loss Pictures" and check out their site!


Monica said...

Hi Sarah,
Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. Going home and then coming back "home" is now infinitely harder on me since having Eliot. Like you said, not only do I miss my family, but now I miss them for Eliot's sake as well. It is so DIFFICULT to be this far away from a group of people who love my kid more than the stars in the sky. So, just wanted to say you're not alone. :-(

Christy Lee said...

Ya Sarah You're not alone
I can understand what u'r going through your life
I feel for u!

becklette said...

oh, that's so sad! i'm sorry it's so rough. but, you know, you WILL be back next year. and (knock wood) we'll have a two-bedroom in a dog-friendly building and you can make a stop in my city! and that will be fun!

i realize that's not as helpful as, say, your family and friends living AT LEAST not an entire ocean and half a continent away, but it's the best i got. i just want to give you a huge hug.

The Atkinsons in Amsterdam said...

I'm here for you anytime you need me, friend :)

Kirsten said...


I went back and forth for a couple of years considering this difficult problem before my hubby and I starting ttc. We stayed where we were because the quality of life was better than anything we could achieve back in California. Still, I know it will be hard on all of us just getting visits in 2wice a much growth happens in between. It's great that you have your blogs so your family can follow Sadie's every little move! Hang in there, the homesickness will pass. Enjoy being a little family again.

Ellen said...

Hang in there, girl :) We'll all be here no matter what happens!

Erin said...

Oh I hear ya! 7 Christmases wore me out. I have zero ambition and whenever I have some free time, I get sick:( I miss my workouts, but I miss sleep more. I think it's this weather. 0 degrees. Icy. Windy. Hate to leave the house. Yuck. I'm quite the Debby Downer myself these days:( Here's to hoping things get better for both of us!

GeorgieGirl said...

Hi Sarah, I wish you didn't have to go through the homesickness. I know my kids live a couple thousand miles away. We aren't an ocean apart, but it may as well be when money is tight and we can't see each other for a year at a time. I know they are extremely homesick as I get phone calls all hours of the day and night.

I'm praying for your comfort. Take care of you and your little family. I hope it isn't long before you are feeling a lot better.