Yikes!

I really didn't realize it had been sooooo long since I'd written. I though maybe a month but geesh! I guess when I don't have such high highs and low lows everything seems just kind of mundane and there isn't much to tell.

I'm doing great. Mentally I am doing terriffic. I haven't binged in well over eight months and possibly longer.

I am slacking on my exercise but within the last two weeks have picked it up again. It's nothing extreme just an extra walk at lunch on days of good weather. I bought the newest Just Dance Three for the Wii and love it. I'm trying to get in three times a week, 40 minutes a go but I'm not quite "there" yet.

My weight has still stalled. I am still hovering between 125 and 126 kilos back and forth. I know once I get into a regular exercise routine I will hop right over that hurdle but the strange (and somewhat positive) thing is, I'm no longer beating myself up for not being all "go get em tiger" about the whole thing. I may have to put a bit more "get em" into my life but at least I'm not having manic feelings and thoughts anymore about this entire process. That's beautiful.

We're getting ready to go on vacation in a few weeks and will be doing tons of walking around DISNEYWORLD! I've never been there and am really looking forward to see Sadie's little face as she meets some of her favorite characters.

So that's where I am today! I will try to post again before I go and then again after. Feel free to hold me to that!

Hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Thinking Outloud

I'm still alive and here is proof.

Okay so that's just a cheap way to show you all how cute my kid has gotten in the three years she's been here on earth.

I'm not really sure what's going on... I guess a new phase in my life has started and my blog has gone by the wayside. It means, in no way, that I have stopped anything that I learned with DEWY and Novarum. I'm still plugging along, slowly but surely. Well actually I'm still staying steady where I was two weeks ago and two months ago but at least I'm staying steady. I'm not having manic diet thoughts. I'm not making myself feel guilty over food. Or happy over food. Or anything over food. I still have that beast conquered. I still love the decision that I made to go for help and I still am thrilled at the results.

I guess because it's just going so... I don't know... what's the word... smoothly(?) that I don't really know what to say. I'm just kind of stupmed. I'm not doing any big huge mile stone goals, which is what I've always filled my blog with in the past. I'm just going with the flow, albeit mindfully, and that does't leave for very interesting writing material.

I've also got a few more distrations keeping me from blogging regularly. I've started doing some other writing projects which thrills me to bits. My job is going amazingly well. I'm super happy there. My life at home is stupendous. My kid is great. I'm feeling great. I'm loving my friends. I'm loving my life and things seem to be going in a forward, positive motion. As far as weight loss is concerned though... it's just kind of the same.

I'm not going to close down my blog. I don't think that would be the right thing to do at all but it feels a bit silly to have it sitting here and not writing in it. Maybe I need to find some little motivations that are weight loss and healthy eating related that will get me posting and keep me posting more often.

Feel free to shout out some answers. Give feed back. What should I do at this point? Where do I go from here? What goals should I make? What direction should .02 take?

In the meantime I hope you're having happy, healthy, successful weeks!

still here

not much to report. I am on a plateau between 124-126 kilos and am just waiting for something interesting to happen.

Bye bye DEWY!

So I've been released from care under DEWY. They've taught me all they can teach me and I am doing so well with the tools they've given me that they've trusted me with my own care. Kind of scary.

I'm not exactly sure what I was extecting to happen when I actually reached out and sought help. I guess I was expecting it to take a hell of a lot longer and I was planning on being a lot more depressed, upset and really, just unable. But it didn't work out that way at all. I kind of... you know... did it.

So that's really all I'm doing. I'm just following the plan, albeit not perfectly, I am following it. I guess all along I wasn't striving for perfection but I do need to keep track that I am at least hitting my 80% mark most times.

I do not exercise. At all. I haven't since I got back from vacation. This has to change for a plethora of reasons but the main one being it makes me feel fabulous when I do it. It makes everything else fall into place. It makes a serious difference in my life. I still haven't given up on the idea of swimming. Dewy even suggested that if I can just do it once a week that's better than nothing and seriously, of course I can do it once a week!

I'm still on the path to get back to where I was pre-vacation and that's taking a lot longer than I expected. I try not to let it get to me but hey, I'm human, it does get to me. I want to be right back to where I was, easy peasy, but it's not working out that way. Well, that's a bit childish to say it that way. It's not that "it's" not working out that way, more like I'm not working out that way. I just need to regain that focus I had.

So that's my concentration this week, just to focus. Timing, portions, water, fish and some freaking exercise for Pete's sake!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

Swimming = fail

Well to be honest, it's not the swimming that was a failure, it was my ability to drag myself out of bed in the morning to get to the pool that was a failure. Do you know how early 6AM is? It's way, way early! I think if I would just do it for a week, I would get used to it, but I seriously haven´t been able to make myself go at all!

Not to fret, I didn´t let my lack of waking up to swim stop me from moving altogether. I did manage to get in a bike ride and a couple walks but nothing like the planned exercise I had all worked out in my head. I hasn´t helped that it´s been rainy and cold here either.

I´ve been eating more than I should and more often than I should. Evening snacking is killing me. I`m going to have to find a better focus in the evenings.

So overall things are just going along. I´ve got some other things going on in my life, which makes me neglect my blog a bit but no worries, I`m still here, plugging along. I´ll start my regular weigh in´s in a bit, or maybe I should start them tomorrow just to hold myself responsible and keep  myself accountable. We´ll see how the morning goes.

We´re thinking about buying a house and have done some looking around and meeting a mortgage broker tomorrow, so wish us luck!

I finally weighed in and Swimming for Weight Loss

Today I had my first appointment with DEWY (my disordely eating therapist) since being back from vacation. We weighed in and the numbers, no matter how ugly, didn't really deter me from the fabulous feeling of vacation success. I weighed in at 126.6 kilo or 278 lbs. That's a 9 pound gain from where I was the day I left from vacation. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean I failed, because as I posted below, I fought off some of the worst eating related demons that had held onto me my entire life. I won this battle. I kicked vacation ass and took names. I feel fabulous about my accomplishments and how easily I have slipped back into my pre-vacation life.

I have gotten back into the "game" back into stride and am right back where I need to be, mentally, with eating. I am back in my routine of eating every 2-3 hours, two fruits a day, normal portions, plenty of water, fish 2 times a week, exercise and not being food obsessed. This is huge for me. Generally after vacations I would go into "homesick" mode for a couple weeks and then have to really persuade myself, eventually, to get back at it. Not this time. Not this life. Not this me. It is empowering, this control I seem to have mustered up.

When Dewy asked me this morning what else she could do for me, I said "I really don't know" and that felt fantastic. I seemingly have a grip on things. No, not seemingly, I do have a grip on things. My head and thoughts are so much quieter now than they were just a year(ish) ago when I really started persuing help to deal with my food issues. I can remember the torture that it was to stand in line at lunch with all of the questions running through my head, so loud, thunderous, jumbled, screaming, quietly berating me. Now I stand in line and I don't worry about food, other than my choice of lunch, I don't think food related thoughts at all. I have time for other thoughts like "man, I need new shoes to go with this outfit". Let me tell you THAT'S a lot more fun to have swimming in your head. I'll invite thoughts of shoes and shopping to paddle through my brain any old time!

I quit binging. I have quit the binge eating. I no longer binge eat. Binging and me are like oil and vinegar. Binge? Nope, not today! Done with that chapter. Signing off.

I quit hiding my food and eating, hidden in shame. I've stopped it. I will not start again. Ever.

Oh! Speaking of things swimming... I am soon to be that thing swimming! I have decided to start swimming as a form of exercise and found a pool right by my house that opens at 6:30 AM for laps! That means I will be able to ride my bike to the pool, swim, ride my bike home, shower and still make it to work by 9! How's that grab ya? I'm going to start next Monday, three times a week to begin with. I've never, ever swum laps before, so I'm going to ask for a little instruction at the pool but any advice you all can give, feel free! I can swim well, just never in a straight line, under water, with a purpose.

I have more stories to tell, more things I want to share but just not the time today. This will have to do ya!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks! Thanks for stopping by!

I am BACK!

We arrived safe and sound back in Amsterdam yesterday morning and WOW! Vacation was AWESOME. It seemed like it lasted forever and that's a good thing.... on most fronts...I was very happy to be home in my own very large, firm bed but mostly, I am just thrilled to be back in my routine in my old environment where I can focus less on food!

I have not weighed myself yet as I am super swollen from the flight and I'm not even really sure if I want to weigh myself. I know I gained, and I don't think it was just a little but that's not the reason I don't want to weigh. I don't want to get on the scale because I am actually really PROUD of how I handled food while I was away and I don't want any number to "ruin" my positive outlook on how these last 3+ weeks played out.

So I don't want to sound braggy like "OMG I was so awesome and did everything perfectly" but I do want to really focus on those accomplishments I did have, rather than wallowing in "OMG, I SUCK" self pity at the things that may not have gone as planned. So here are the great things that happened...

I never once, not even one time, ate until I was sick. That may seem pretty slight to some of you, but as a person who used to spend every day on vacation stuffing herself with American food because "I just can't get this at home", and feeling miserable pretty much all day long, this is a VERY big deal. Seriously, huge.

I went to restaurants for breakfast and didn't order the entire menu. LOL I am a biscuit and gravy freak, love the stuff, but usually I would order that with eggs, and bacon and sausage and a pancake and justify it all with "I can't get this in the Netherlands". This year, DEWY really helped me keep things in perspective. Yes, I can't get a lot of that stuff in the NL but that doesn't mean I have to eat all of it for every meal for three weeks! So one morning I would have a biscuit and gravy. The next morning I would have pancakes (no more than two). The next day it was eggs and bacon. Next day sausage sammy.... I spaced it out. Can you imagine what a HUGE difference in calories that must have made?

I went to some of our favorite restaurants and ordered different, healthier choice items. To be honest with you, within the first week I was already sick of brats on the grill, burgers on the grill, hotdogs and pretty much every greasy, yummy grilled food item I usually drool for. So when we went to our favorite burger joint (Red Robin) I ordered... a chicken salad. LOL It was not expected and I wasn't in "diet" mode but man, I just wanted some crispy greens! I realized then, that we had eaten hardly any veggies with our meals for the first few days, it was just meat meat meat. I made it a point to order salads for a lot of my meals over the three week period and it really didn't seem like I missed out on anything.

The first, of many, trips to Walmart resulted in a HUGE watermelon that I munched on for days. Yum. I didn't manege to eat my two fruits a day on most days, it just didn't happen, but every day I did get in at least one fruit, which made me kind of proud. In the past, fruit was NOT a vacation item. Ever.

One dark cloud with a very silver lining was the DQ. Oh the Dairy Queen, how my family loves you and we showed you this almost every day of vacation by keeping your business alive. Ice cream every day isn't the best choice but I did make smarter choices while there. I tried the mini blizzard and it was just the right amount of everything! I didn't eat banana splits every day, I kept things simple and small. That's a HUGE feat for me! HUGE! And the best part about it is that now that I am at home, I know I'm not going to eat ice cream every single day and I am sooooo okay with that!

I drank tons of water and iced tea. I walked a lot. I didn't get in as much exercise as I had planned but I still did a lot more than usual.

I shopped like there was no tomorrow! I bought sizes that I haven't worn since before Sadie was born. I purged my closet of the items that no longer fit me and things that I don't plan on having fit me by time winter creeps in....

I really feel like vacation, although not perfect, was a huge success for me. I'm not sure if I want the scale to tell me any different and actually I do control that. no matter what the numbers, I won. I overcame so many of my vacationisms that I usually lived by. I succeeded in the USA and I am very, very proud of myself. No number on the scale is going to take THAT away from me.

For now, my life is just going to get back to my routine and I will continue on my path to weight loss!

I hope you all have had very healthy, successful weeks while I've been gone and I look forward to catching up!

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in

drumroll please... the final pre-vacation weigh-in results are in and I tipped the scales at a mere (HA!) 122.4 kilos or 269 lbs! That's a total loss to date of 14.6 kilos or 32.12 lbs! That's a fantastic start to what will be a long journey but it's a really good start to my vacation!

I'll be in the US for a couple of weeks and I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging so hang in there, I'll be right back and can't wait to share how the "experiment" of a weight loss girl coming to America pans out!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful week! See you soon!

Holy Crap! Sorry!

Thanks to Becklette for her gentle reminder that I have been neglecting my blog!

I guess I just don't know what to say. Nothing is really "new". I am doing well. Things are going brilliantly. I'm just plugging along, doing what I do and the weight is coming off slowly. Lather, rinse, repeat. Oh and I am preparing for a 23 day stint in the USA.

oh, yeah, we can totally talk about that.

It's been a huge subject of discussion with Dewy and I, and in my last session we kind of just left it at "whatever happens, happens". If I gain, it's not the end of the world, and if I lose, then it's just an added bonus. When I get back into my normal life I am going to get right back to everything that works for me and life will go on. I am not going to get back into food obsession, binging, eating, restricting EVER, and especially not while I'm on vacation, so I'm actually pretty mellow (which is an entirely new sensation for me, especially before visiting the US, I used to get so wound up about weight, losing, gaining, etc, so this is very, very new, and, well, kind of cool). I am going to still shoot for my mini-goals (water, fish, fruit) and do what I do while I'm home. I will try to eat normal portions, which is actually the biggest challenge especially when we all know, nothing served to you in the US is a proper portion. And I do mean nothing!

I was, however, totally inspired by my friend Tanja, recently. She is also concentrating on dropping some weight, by similar methods that I am using. She is also an American living in the Netherlands and JUST got back from a US vacation. Being the super star she is, she actually DROPPED a kilo, so 2.2 pounds, whilst in the land of super size! How AWESOME is that! She said that she was just way too busy running to really think about food. Amazing! I am so proud of her and so inspired! That is a huge, huge accomplishment! *standing ovation for Tanja*

I am thinking I may do a little documentary type blogging and maybe even a series of videos while I'm there to keep track of how things are going... I haven't decided how I'll approach it yet, but I don't plan on ignoring you all while I'm gone. Of course, if I disappera for a bit, don't fret, I haven't fallen off the planet just yet. Oh and I will post my pre-vacation weight here before I am off!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks! Wish me some luck!

what works for me

As I mentioned before DEWY (my therapist) has said that since I'm doing so well, they will slow down my therapy to being seen once a month and I kind of had a mini "OMG" freakout. I'm doing so well in this little routine and to change that, it's kind of scary. She suggested that maybe I should write down the things that work for me so if I ever feel like I'm sliding back into my old habits and lifestyle, I could take it out of hiding, read it over and bring myself back to where I am now. So I've done that for my appointment on Thursday and I thought I would share that "list" with you all. A lot of it you already know, some of it you may not, but here is what really works for me. 

Keep in mind, weight loss is not cookie cutter and what works for me may not work for you (and that's okay!). For instance, I'm a simple cookie, only needing simple ingredients to work. I'm a surprisngly chewy cookie, with a bit of crunch when you first bite, but when you get right down to it, I'm pretty soft, with the occasional lump and bump of chocolatey goodness. I'll get stuck in your teeth and you'll spend the afternoon trying to get me out of your mouth. That's me. You may be a totally different kind of cookie, a nutty cookie, a no bake cookie, a cookie full of a rainbow of candy pieces... and you may need a different kind of mixer/oven/ingredient to be "just right". Find the right mix and the right ingredients to make yourself the best possible you! You'll be deliciously successful once you get that right recipe. (what a horrible analogy for weight loss, right?)

(Sorry this is in all caps. I did it in this neat kind of shadow font in MSWord, which looked cool there but I can't be bothered to change it for the blog. you'll survive, trust me.)

THINGS THAT WORK

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS GIVES ME SO MUCH MORE ENERGY THROUGHOUT THE DAY

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS KEEPS ME FROM FEELING OVERLY HUNGRY AT ANY TIME WHICH KEEPS ME FROM OVEREATING WHEN I DO EAT.

EATING EVERY 2-3 HOURS TAKES THE GUESS WORK OUT OF “SHOULD I EAT THIS”, IT’S A SIMPLE “YES, IT’S TIME TO EAT” OR “NO, NOT YET”. THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH QUIETER IN MY HEAD. IT IS SIMPLE.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES ME MORE CALM ABOUT FOOD CHOICES. THE BATTLING IN MY HEAD OVER FOOD IS OVER.

FOLLOWING THIS ROUTINE MAKES MEMORE CONFIDANT TO EAT IN FRONT OF OTHERS AND NOT BE SO PARANOID ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING OF MY CHOICES.

I NO LONGER HIDE MY EATING OR HAVE THAT SHAME THAT WAS ASSOCIATED WITH HIDING AND EATING.

I NO LONGER BINGE. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE EVERYTHING THAT THIS MEANS TO ME. THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTROL. I DO HAVE CONTROL.

I KNOW NOW THAT FEELING “FULL” AFTER EATING IS DIFFERENT THAN FEELING “SICK”. I NO LONGER LIKE FEELING “SICK”, WHICH IS HOW I USED TO GAUGE IF I WAS DONE OR NOT. FEELING “SICK” IS NO LONGER ASSOCIATED WITH FEELING GOOD. WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD IS NOT FOOD REALTED AT ALL. WELL THAT’S NOT TOTALLY TRUE. FOOD, OR BEING ABLE TO BE AROUND IT LIKE A REGULAR EVERY DAY AVERAGE JOE, THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. HAVING CONTROL OF THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER THAN GOOD. IT’S ENORMOUS.

HAVING MINI GOALS WORK FOR ME. SO EVEN IF I DON’T ACCOMPLISH ONE GOAL, THE CHANCES ARE, I’LL STILL HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOME OF MY OTHERS.

KNOWING THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT HAS MADE THIS EASIER. ASKING MYSELF TO DO 80% OF MY GOAL (AND BEING HAPPY WITH THAT) RATHER THAN KILLING MYSELF TO BE 100% PERFECT ALL TIME HAS HELPED ME RELAX AND AGAIN, BE MORE CALM. NOBODY IS 100% AND THAT’S FINE BY ME. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE FIRST 100% PERFECT PERSON, BECAUSE FRANKLY THAT WOULD BE ANNOYING.

IF ONE OF MY GOALS ENDS UP BACKFIRING, IT’S OKAY. THIS IS ALL JUST A HUGE EXPERIMENT TO FIND THAT BEST “FIT” FOR MY LIFE AND MY LIFESTYLE, WHICH WILL CHANGE AND EVOLVE AS I DO. I DON’T HAVE TO BE SO STUBORN TO THINK “THIS WAS MY GOAL AND I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IT”. I CAN HAVE THINGS THAT DON’T WORK AND THAT’S OKAY.

EXERCISING IS CIRCULAR. IT GIVES ME MORE ENEGRY. THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME EAT BETTER, WHICH MAKES ME FEEL ENERGETIC WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO BE MORE PHYSICALLY ACTIVE.

29.9 is the new 30, right?

29.9 is considered 30 in most cases isn't it? I mean, if somebody gave me 29.9 jelly beans I would say they gave me 30 jelly beans (and I'd toss the .9 away because, what actually happened to the rest of that little bean, did you lick it?). If I bought a new sweater for $29.90, I would say I paid $30 for it. In most cases I can think of, I would consider 29.9 an even 30, so why in the world am I having such a hard time saying....

I have made my goal of losing 30 pounds by the end of May as of this very morning, May 9th 2011!!!!!

I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to celebrate, feel awesome, smirk at myself in the mirror whilst giving myself that "that's right, you did it" look but I am holding back a bit. Why is the 0.1 having such a strong hold over me?!?!? It's ridiculous isn't it? ISN'T IT!?!?!?

So that's it, it's official, I'm marking this one with a "w" for WIN!

I weighed in with 123.4 kilos or 271.48 lbs (271.5, dare I?). That's a 13.6 kilo loss to date! It's a 29.9, awww screw it, a 30 pound loss!!! 

I cannot believe I made it to my first goal! And I did it with 3 weeks to spare! I am so proud of myself. These next three weeks I am going to just continue to do what I've been doing and if I drop some extra weight, great, but if not, I still accomplished what I set out to do. Wow! What a fantastic feeling!

My next appointment with Dewy is May 19th and I am going to stay off of the scale until then. I don't want it to be my main focus or motivation, especially right now when I am feeling so positive and forward-moving. As long as I can stick to what I know, I will be okay!

Man, 30 pounds! I can't quit saying it! 30 pounds!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Neglected

That must be how my blog feels... soooo neglected, but I can assure you, I am still very much here and very much participating in my weight loss life!

Things have been going so well for me lately that I kind of don't know what else to say. It's bizarro to think that you may be bored with hearing about continued successful moments, but in reality, it's always the train wrecks that catch our attention. Fortunately, I'm not really train wreck material (right now) and things are pretty steady. I'm still following the plan of eating every 2-3 hours, exercising 3-4 times a week, not binging, not obesssing and just trying to be a normal, functioning human. That's working out!

I did have a monumental moment last weekend though. We took my daughter, Sadie to Chimpy Champ. It's one of those places where kids can climb, run, jump, play, slide and do whatever else they want until they exhaust themselves. Back at the beginning of my journey at Novarum, with Dewy, I had gone to Chimpy Champ with Sadie and ended up sitting on the sidelines waving at her and Marco climb and play while I smiled happily and silently cried, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't climb with them. I was too big. I all but got stuck before giving up and taking my place as spectator in my daughters life.

But this time around, I could play. I even climbed up to the highest point and waved down at her and Marco. I jumped on the trampolines like a child. I bruised my knees weaving in and out of the tubes that just months ago (literally, about 8 or 9 months ago) I couldn't even think of fitting into without getting stuck. I had the absolute BEST time.

I could feel my muscles working as I pulled myself up the wall climb. I could feel my biceps burning as I held on tight to the ropes. I could feel my quads quading (or whatever it is they do) as I climbed up through the mazes of boards, wires and nets. I probably would have cried again, happy tears of joy, had I not been so busy absorbing up every second of Sadie's smile and laughter as we played together.

It was and continues to be these moments that she and I can really, really play together, not just me watching, that makes any effort I am making worthwhile. She deserves a Mommy who can run behind her, chase her, push her (forward, not down!), climb with her... and I am working so hard to be that Mommy. It felt fantastic. I was beyond happy. I felt proud. I am doing this!

I hope you all are having happy, successful weeks!

I'm just your average Joe.

I'm going to have to brag a little, so, you've been fairly warned. Easter would usually be a day that I would use as an excuse to forget everything I learned, forget everything I was doing and gorge myself on whatever was around, in mass quantities. "But it's a holiday" I would say to justify eating the ears off of my second or third chocolate rabbit, even if I wasn't hungry. I'd go to the party knowing exactly how I would leave...stuffed. That's what the holiday is about, isn't it? At least that's what it always had been about for me.

This time around was different though. I am no longer the Sarah of Easter Past, I am a brand spanking new kind of Sarah Bunny with an entirely different approach to food and holidays (I do still wear my "Bunny in training" badge though, I'm not comfy claiming "cured" just yet).

This Easter holiday I tried to be very thoughful of what I was doing (and trying to accomplish) and what I have discussed with Dewy, and I went into the holiday like any other day.

That morning I stuck to my usual routine. I ate every 2-3 hours up until we were at my brother and sister in laws house, where I knew I would be thrown off course. It's here that a lesson I learned at my last two appointments with Dewy came into play. I knew (and know) that I will be put in situations where it is "time to eat" before it is MY time to eat. My problem is, I don't want to draw attention to myself by NOT eating because then you get into big discussions of "why aren't you eating" or "Oh you're on a DIET" (God forbid) or just other uncomfortable things that people can say that make you feel self conscious. I want to avoid that. And honestly, I do want to eat with everybody else. It is part of the celebration of being together, sharing food and enjoying one another's company and why SHOULDN'T I do that?

So I did.

I brought a dill dip and tons of fresh veggies and sourdough bread and I snacked on that with everybody else. I kept in mind some of the tips that I read in the book Mindless Eating (great read, by the way, highley recommend it) and walked away from the area where the food was kept and concentrated on the conversation and what was happening elsewhere. By time lunch rolled around, I ate a normal portion of food and that was it. Done deal. No pants exploding, no miserable stomach ache from stuffing myself, just a normal, average, every day "I just ate my meal" feeling.

In fact, I haven't made myself sick from eating in ages... months upon months... I haven't rubbed my belly and said "OMG I'm going to puke" in a very, very long time. And although I say it with a smirk, it's actually a pretty big deal. I've taken a lifetime habit that I can trace back to my childhood and stopped it. I have stopped it. That's massive. It's not just a little thing, it's really, truely massive. Everything I knew about eating and being "full" has finally been redefined for me. I am eating like a normal, every day, average human.

It has never felt so good to be so average. Just your everyday, average Joe here. Nice to meet you!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter or Passover and I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.

I'm a terrible cheater, the guilt, oh the guilt! I confess!

All my life I've been a horrible liar. I stammer, I turn red, I stutter, I stumble... I may as well have bells and whistles going off behind me with a huge arrow hovering over my head saying "liar! liar! liar!". Cheating is along the same lines as lying, it's just in another form and just like with telling untruths, I feel guilty as sin and feel the need to confess... here... to you...right now.

I cracked. I just couldn't stand no knowing anymore. I...

 (wait for it)....

stepped on the scale!

Yes, I know, I know, I am supposed to be "weighing blind" and that it's been going so well. And yes I know that Dewy said for me just to try it for a while to see how it goes and if it really is something that would work for me (not against me) and yes, it has been working but I just couldn't STAND it anymore. I hadn't weighed-in in eons (okay so it'd only been a couple of week but still, it FELT a lot longer considering I used to bounce on and off the scale daily) but I just couldn't hack it anymore. I mean, even my blog is called Weighing-IN, isn't it? I was feeling great, my clothes were loser and I just had to know what I weighed. I had to know!

So, the question is, do you wanna know? Do you wanna know what I weighed? Are you half as excited to find out as I am to tell you? Are ya? Well are you?!?!?!?

Good. Now that you are mentally prepared, get ready to feast (or famine) your eyes on this:

I'm at 125 kilos or 275 pounds!!!! That's 12 kilos or a little over 26 pounds GONE! That's taking a 137 kilo or 301 pound woman and shrinking her by doing nothing more than having a plan and a routine! 26 pounds GONE!

Needless to say, and as if you couldn't tell by the tone of this post, I am elated. Some may think "you're still 275 fleshy pounds of woman, what are you so happy about" but those people can kiss my fleshy rear! It's not the numbers so much as the entire experience on the whole that has me hootin and a hollerin. It's just been brilliant and I cannot say enough times how happy I am that I made the decision to get help when I really, really felt I needed it. Maybe it's not for everybody (and maybe it's not for you) but man-o-man it is the magic key for me and it feels awesome.

So here's the plan, I'm going to keep plugging along, a day at a time and stick to what I know and stick to what is working. The weather has been gorgeous here lately and I've been walking at lunch and sneaking in evening bike rides with the family, so I think things are just going in the totally right direction for me.

And I can only wish the same is happening for all of you. I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

The Voices in my Head

I talk on here a lot about the "voices in my head" when it comes to exercise, eating and decision making. Back in 2006 I wrote this funny post about good Sarah Vs. Evil Sarah and after re-reading it I realized a couple things:

1) I have always, always struggled internally with what I should do and what I feel like doing.
2) I sometimes sound like a raving lunatic and openly share that with others. Should I be concerned? Nah!
3) My voices have hit puberty, changed and matured.

Yes, they hit puberty, changed and matured.

I no longer hear kicking and screaming adolescent voices battling it out for "do we eat it, don't we eat it, yes we eat it, no we shouldn't eat it, have it, don't have it, of course you can, no you can't". Thank GOD we (me and the voices) have gotten out of the terrible two's, past the tweens, survived teenage angst and have finally moved into young adult hood. With the help of Dewy and Novarum, those kids have grown up, settled down and become just much more mellow creatures. They're still ever present, but no where near as sassy as they used to be.

I guess because I have a plan, and I stick to that plan and it takes so much of the guess work out of things, hence quieting everything down a bit. My nagging questions went from "oh my God if I eat that ice cream will everybody stare at me" to a much more calm (and less negative) "if I were a normal, rational human being, would I eat ice cream with my child on this sunny day". (the answer to the second half being yes, but if it were just me, passing McDonald's drive thru and wondering that same question, the answer would be no).

I'm not trying to figure out if it will "ruin" anything or how long I can go without eating, I'm just simply trying to see if that's what a normal, average, run of the mill "Jane" would.  I'm also making sure that when I do eat, it's within my time frames (so no sooner than two hours from the last time I ate and no later than 3 hours since the last time I ate).

It just amazes me that such simple, easy changes have made such an enormous impact on me. And I'm not using words like "enormous impact" for dramatization... I honestly feel like such a very different person than the one that was writing this blog just a year ago. I am in such a different place, mentally. And those voices, those battling voices of good and evil... they've shut their yaps for the most part.

And maybe you guys won't even get this or won't even understand because maybe you've not had the same battles with yourself in your head, but it used to be that standing in line waiting to pay for my food at lunchtime was one of the most intense, draining experiences of my day (or the grocery store, eeeekkkk!). God, the decisions, the temptations, the self doubt, the criticism of myself and the criticism of others (or so I would imagine), the dialogue would just go on and on, endlessly. Even after I made my purchases it would continue. This was all day long, every meal, every snack, every decision. I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions about food and eating. I was constantly in the middle of this terrible battle and I was not winning.

Now, I can walk in, know that I will make a good decision, know that I am okay, know that nobody is really judging me (and if they are a big F.U. to you, because you obviously have no clue what I'm doing or have done, or what I'm about to do) and I can sit down, eat my lunch and read a book. I can read a book! Not that you should be surprised that I am literate (HAHA) but that I can stop arguing in my head long enough to actually relax a read. And that's it. Quietly. No arguments. No fuss. No guilt. No battles. Nothing. I'm just a normal person, eating a normal lunch on a normal day.

This revolution and evolution has been ___________, what? What has it been? Life changing? Yes. Overwhelming in a positive way? Yes. Phenomenal? Yes. Subtle? YES!

Just feeling calm, in control and normal, it's more, to me, than I can ever put into words for you.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks.

As promised, some progress pics

So this was me "before", in May 2010. I believe this dress is a Dutch size 54, which is about a 24/26 in US sizes, depending up on the store.

This is me this morning. This is the jacket (size 18/20) that I have had hanging in my closet for years and just couldn't fit into for the longest time (years). The pants are size 24, but they are one size too big so I assume I am in a US size 22. Unfortunately I don't have any 22's to try on to see how they fit.

The obligatory goofy side pose, foot kick.

And this is another size 18/20 jacket that I've been waiting to wear and luckily I fit in them during the right season!

And there you have it, proof that I really do exist!

Hope you are all having healthy successful weekends!

Shoes anyone?

I went to a podiatrist today because I've been having foot pain for, oh, about a year, and I finally got worried enough that I was doing damage to my feet that I asked for a referral. He said I had very high arches, which in a lot of people, causes them to walk on the outsides of their feet, which I do. So now he's making me inserts for my shoes but I really would like to buy some shoes that are good for feet with high arches that don't look like I'm an 89 year old retiree (which is what I found when googling).

I told him I had such a hard time finding shoes to fit me because my feet are big (size 10US, 42 EU), wide (double wide, really) and tall (meaning the top of my foot is high, I guess due to the high arch) and he pretty much said "yeah, it's hard". LOL Thanks buddy! He was a really funny, nice guy though.

I used to buy tons of shoes all of the time thinking "maybe these won't kill my feet" only to be peeling them off of my tootsies an hour later as I hobble around in pain. I really, really dislike it. I will find so many cute shoes, especially summer sandals that I would just LOVE to wear and when I try to put them on I look like a giant stuffing their feet into a child's shoe. It's ridiculous.

I've also been reading that people with high arches should stay away from heels as much as possible because it just puts more strain on the already strained areas. Fine by me, I can't walk in the suckers anyway, but I do work in the corporate world and I do need to be able to dress professionally with professional shoes! I've been getting away with wearing my trainers at work but it looks so silly and makes me so self conscious.

So to finally get around to what I'm asking. If you have high arches, what kind of dress shoes do you wear and what kind of trainers do you find work best for you.

I get my custom made insoles next week, so it should be interesting to see how it works out!

SCORE!!!!!

I've been feeling kind of awesome lately so I thought I'd try on some of my "old" jackets I have hanging in my closet that haven't fit in for ages. Literally it's been YEARS since I've been able to wear them but they're so cute (and were expensive!) that I cannot give them away or get rid of them, always having it in the back of my mind that "someday they will fit again". They're size 18/20 and I've been wearing 24/26. Well, "someday they will fit again" is today. I put on those two jackets this morning and they not only fit, they look AWESOME. I cannot believe it. I seriously had no idea I was at that point yet. I'm still wearing all of my 24/26 clothes and I knew they were baggy and not looking so hot but I had no idea that I would fit into those sizes already. I expected a "pull" in the arms, or a squeeze here or there, but they fit. Well.

I will admit though, my top half seems to be losing more than my bottom. I cannot fit into my 20's in jeans and I no longer own a size 22, so I'm still wearing my 24's, which look awful. Really awful. I'm going to have to rectify that situation soon!

I'll take some pictures over the weekend with me in the jackets so you guys can see! Yipee!!!

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

A (wo)man with a plan!

If you don't realize it, let me just give you a quick rundown of 'me'. I'm an American woman, living in the Netherlands. I've been in the NL since 2004 and get back "home" about once a year. I look forward to this time for months and months before I go. I have countdowns a hundred days in advance, just ticking off the moments until I am with my family and friends.

What you may or may not realize is that every time I go "home" I start planning, months ahead of time, to lose at least 5-10 pounds so I can gain it while I'm in the US of A. A little messed up to think that way? Sure, I'll give you that, but it makes sense in my head. I mean, surely I couldn't be expected to stick to any sort of plan, routine or regimen while on vacation, while in the US, while surrounded by my home country's newest national pass time.... cooking and eating?!?!?

This year I am planning a June trip back to the US and mentioned it in passing at my last appointment with Dewy and told her my usual mode of operation.

Apparently, that's not how we're going to approach vacation in the US this time around, or ever again. She pointed out the fact that I probably strictly "dieted" for the weeks leading up to my trip basically setting myself up for a bunch of binges while I'm there. (man, was she RIGHT there).

My palms got sweaty as I realized she was getting ready to tell me that I wouldn't be eating Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake (which is my alltime favorite food in the entire world, ever, ever. ever). She was going to tell me that I wouldn't be enjoying my cousin Mark's smoked ribs, that I couldn't *gasp* (sorry, I had to brace myself for this one) visit the Dairy Queen! God I just knew it, I knew it in my head that she was getting ready to boss me around, preach it to me like the sinner I was, and give me the verbal lashing even before I did anything! God I hated it!

And then she shocked the devil out of me when she said "well why wouldn't you enjoy the foods you love when you were home?"

Me, queen of witty retorts, snappy comebacks and sarcasm galore, didn't have an answer. I just sat there... gobsmacked.

And she really meant it! Why shouldn't I eat the foods I enjoy while I'm home?

So, we are actually going to make a plan. I'm going to go on vacation and keep living the life I am living now. That seems very simple and kind of  "duh" but I've actually never done that before. I am still going to try to reach all of my mini goals that I have made (fish three times a week, at least a liter of water every day, fruit twice a day etc) because those things are simple, tiny and not really a big deal. That's the beauty in making small, even subtle, changes... they're easy to keep up with no matter where you are or what the situation is. And again, I won't be striving for perfection but I will try to get as close as I can without getting obsessed.

I AM going to eat my dad's pizza and his potato salad. No, I won't eat them in the mass quantities that I have eaten them in the past but hell yeah I'm going to eat them. Mostly because Dewy said I could.

I'm going to have Cheesecake. I am going to savor, enjoy, feel, love and BE the Cheesecake. I'm not going to eat it willynilly by huge forkfulls, I am going to really become one with the cheesecake. I will take tiny bites of the cool, thick, sweet confection and feel it dance down my tongue to my tummy. Okay so this is a little dramatic, a little overboard but really, I am going to have it and I really am going to think about it and enjoy it in the moment. Dewey said I could.

She also asked me to make a list of all of the wonderful, "home" items that I am looking forward to indulging in while I am in the US and bring it to our next meeting. I'm not 100% sure of what we'll do with the list once I have it but I am going to make the list like a good student and see where we go from there.

I am so excited to know that I am not running to the US blind, with every intention of gaining weight while I'm there. I am glad that I won't have those guilty feelings that I always have while I'm there, eating until I'm sick and afterwards when I return home and see the damage. I am thrilled that I don't have to worry about the period when I get back and have to get "back down" to where I was pre-vacation. I won't have that guilt. I won't have that depression (at least from food, I will still be sad that I'm no longer there) surrounding the very idea of "man, if I can't do it while on vacation then can I really do it". I don't have to worry about feeling stuffed. I don't have to worry about binging. Just knowing I will have a plan and it will be a plan that I can live with has already made my vacation and the weeks following so much more enjoyable, and I haven't even left the Netherlands.

If I haven't said it before, and I'm pretty sure I haven't, I am beyond thrilled that I made the decision to get help for my disorderly eating. I am glad I didn't give up on the clinic even after the rocky start. I am proud that I am following this through, being open to suggestions and taking everything on board. I am very happy to be in the place that I am in right now and that's a pretty big deal. A really big deal.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Wii Fit Coach is kicking my booty

Just this week I've come to the realization that my Wii Fit Coach can do so much more than just simple aerobic workouts. I always just automatically clicked to  "cardio" skipping (or grapevining) right past all of the other options.

The other day I took my time when logging in and listened to what my coach was actually saying and read the script that said  "Coach's recommendation for today has a star by it" and sure enough, there in the list of workout choices was a little while star by "lower body" so I thought "why the heck not".

I'll be honest here, I've actually started looking closer at  the program because I've been a bit bored with my workouts with the coach. There is only so much cardio-in-the-living-room a girl can do before she starts dreaming of sweating it off in other ways. That's how I stumbled upon my other workouts and I haven't been bored since!

I still get in cardio, it starts with the normal warm up and I think 15 minutes of the regular cardio workout, which at my size, works up a nice little glisten, but then you do the last half with strength training, either upper body, lower body, flexibility or a couple other choices that I can't remember right now and that is when the fun begins. I've been doing planks, yoga poses, lunges, side leg lifts and a plethora of other butt kicking-muscle tiring-toes are sweating - moves and it's been awesome.

Back when I did have a gym member ship, many years (and one child) ago, my favorite part wasn't on the treadmill, or the elliptical machine or the bike or any cardio machine... my favorite part was the weigh lifting and the body pump classes. Finding these little gems on my own home workout game, that doesn't require me to pay a monthly fee or leave my house, has been wonderful and a total motivational boost.

I feel so tired when I am done with these workouts that it makes me beam with pride. THIS is what I loved about my workouts back in '06 - '07, the feeling that I've not only moved, but I mooooooooooved. I am really looking forward to getting better at the strength training and seeing my body change like I know it will.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Nutritionist - CHECK!

I saw the nutrionist for the first time yesterday and I was really just so nervous. There is no valid reason why I should have been nervous. I know I have been eating on time and making fairly decent choices but I just had it all in my head that she was going to be a total boetch to me and try to make me eat crap that I didnt like or didn't want to eat (like Dutch people are totally into eating sandwiches for breakfast and lunch and I get SICK of it so I throw in the occasional bowl of oatmeal now and then).


Firstly, I walked in and when I met her I was surprised at her age. She looked about 20, which is fine, but when I think "nutritionist" I think older, grey haired woman for some reason. She was really bright and cheery, so that put me at ease a little. I was thinking more along the lines of school marm and got school girl instead!

Then we started going over my food log that I had emailed her earlier in the week, so she could look it over before our appointment (and make big red checkmarks on all of the things I've been doing "wrong", said my head). I was so surprised when she was so positive with all of the changes I have been making! There was no red pen, no frowny faces, none of that, just some really constructive Q&A's and useful feedback. Her only "concern" is that I am drinking too much diet coke, and I assumed this already, so I am going to try to cut down to one can a day. Currently I am drinking 1-2 cans at lunchtime and then at home (hide your eyes for those who are weak at heart) I probably drink 3 - 8oz glasses in the evening. So cutting it down to one can a day is going to be a challenge but when I started this whole thing I said I would do as they ask and at least give it a shot, so that's what I am doing. I used to drink only water all day long when I was in the US so once I get past the initial shock of it all, I think I'll be alright.

I shared with her that I had been experiencing frequent heartburn and she told me that the increase in water that I made was probably a little overboard (I was drinking 4 - 8oz glasses between 9AM and lunch and then more after lunch) which was what was causing my heartburn. I should still drink water, just not in mass quantities. Noted.

She answered the couple of questions about portion sizes and meal sizes that I had and was just really positive about everything I've been doing. I was so relieved! I left feeling so great about this entire experience with Novarum (minus the bit of a rough start)!

I am going to see her again in a month just to touch base with how it's going on the "less soda" front and answer any more questions I may have. Whew! That's one more thing I can check off of my list of "scary things that I don't want to do but know I have to". Nutritionist - CHECK!

Pants on the Ground

This post over on Fat Girl Dives In, besides being hilarious, also reminded me what I forgot to share with you all. Over the past two weeks my pants (24 avergae Lane Bryant) are literally falling off of me. I don't own a belt (when you have a booty like mine, you don't need belts, usually) and I am hiking my jeans up every other step when I'm walking around. I don't have the budget or time to do any clothes shopping right now (keep in mind, plus size clothing in the Netherlands SUCK and finding a nice looking pair of pants is nearly impossible) so I have just kind of been hoping that nobody has noticed. A couple of my shirts are also going in the donation pile.

After several "you have poopy butt" comments over the last month or so Marco finally gave me the final push by stating "I am going to take those jeans and your other pair and burn them, so you better buy some new ones soon". My colleague also gently asked me last week "Sarah, can I just climb in your pants with you?"

Okay people, I get it. I need new pants. I just hate spending money on transition clothes but I know it's a must and it's part of the process so next week a shopping I will go. No need to burn anything. I can think of worse reasons to need to shop!

So much to share

There is always so much I want to share as the week drags on but finding time to write shorter posts through the week just hasn't happened lately. I have the "gift" of being long winded the way it is without gathering all of my weight loss ammo up and blasting you with it in one go, but alas, this is how it has to be right at this moment. 

That said, here is this weeks post!  

I've been telling you about making little mini goals for myself and keeping track of them on my dry erase board. Well I thought I'd take a snapshot of my actual board in action to give those visual readers something to look at. Taking a picture of a silver board proved to be more difficult than I expected. Like 10 shots later I finally said "screw it, good enough" and this is what you got.

So what you're looking at is my 7 week planner. The dates that have the "E" in them are days I am to exercise. Up there at the left you have the "key" as well as my starting (for the seven week, not all-time) weight. I get a star every day I exercise, I get a water droplet every time I drink my three bottles of water at work. I get a fishy every time I eat fish (goal is to eat fish three times a week). I get a smiley face every time I eat "on plan" meaning every 2-3 hours, 2 pieces of fruit a day and no binges. That little piggy bank there on the right is my Eurofantje (euro elephant, I guess it's cuter if you speak Dutch), every day I get a smiley face, my Eurofantje gets a euro. At the end of my 7 weeks if I make 80% of my goals, I get to spend what is in my Eurofantje on something for myself! So again, I don't have to be perfect, just 80% "really good". It leaves myself room for error, take the pressure off from trying to be superwoman and I can really enjoy and appreciate the efforts I am making. There on the upper right hand corner are my stats from last month.

This dry erase board resides on my dresser in my bedroom. I see it every single morning as I'm choosing socks to wear that day. It's in my direct line of vision and is a constant, but not nagging, reminder of my goals for the day. It seems simple, it may even seem childish to some, but drawing those little images is one of the highlights of my day. Seeing the calendar fill up as my weeks chug along, that makes me proud and it a great motivator.

I also realize that I haven't shared any recent picture of myself or progress pictures. I think that's what makes other weight loss blogs interesting, to actually see some pictures. I didn't take a picture for you tonight because I look like complete crapola and Marco isn't here to help me so I thought I'd look into my folders and find a recent one for you all. Low and behold, I realized that I have deleted every single unflattering photo of me (meaning any that shows my body "as it is") so I came up with the below shots that were taken while we were in Illinois last November, so really, not too too old. In this first one Sadie is kind of hiding my body, but you get the general idea. (that's my kiddo and hubby there too!)

 Here is a better full body shot, so you can get a better idea of what I look like standing up (you can also scroll down to the bottom of the page there on the right and I have a shot of me standing, last May while on vacation). Either way, you get the general idea.

I have decided that I am going to go ahead and follow Dewy's advice (Dewy is my therapist for those new readers who have recently joined *waving hi*) and keep weighing in blind and this time, with follow through. When I started at Novarum to get help with my Disorderly Eating I made a promise to myself that I would do what they said, follow their guidelines blindly and give everything they asked of me a real shot. So even if it makes me a bit uneasy and it's not exactly blog world friendly not to post weekly weights, I'm not only doing this for entertainment value (assuming you're being entertained). I am doing this for me. It's important and I want to really give it my all. Dewy also made a really good point, that I only got on the scale last time to look (when I was supposed to be weighing in blind) because I was feeling some emotion, some nervous emotion and instead of dealing with what that emotion was, I let the scale tell me how I should feel. Who can argue with that rock solid case? Not I! So I'm not sure when I will know what my actual weight is but I will continue posting on my other weight loss goals.

Exercise, it's getting easier. I'm still only working out in my home and only with the Wii but it's getting less "Oh my God I'm going to die" and moving right along into the "Gosh I'm burning up, oh, only 14 minutes left, that wasn't so bad" phase. My favorite workouts right now are the Wii Fitness Coach and the Wii Just Dance 2. I do 30 minutes of cardio workout with the Coach and it can get a bit monotonous but I really sweat, work hard and feel good afterwards. With the Just Dance 2, I really work up a sweat, I thoroughly enjoy the music and dancing and I tend to work out longer, like 50 minutes, but the waiting in between songs while the next one loads up can get irritating and you lose momentum. I even tossed around the idea of doing a 45 minute workout with the Fitness Coach but the last thing I want to do is ruin the good thing I have going by pushing myself too hard.

I have tons more to say but I'm sure I've reached my .02 limit for this post so I'll leave it at that. I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Hello Monday, hello weigh-in

So I made a deal with Dewy that I wouldn't weigh myself at all for like a 6 week time span as an experiment. I could still weigh in at my appointments with her, but I had to weigh in blind, meaning only she saw it (she doesn't actually blind me, which could cause some sort of law suit I'm sure). This started about a month ago and I just had Marco update my stats on the right side bar there and didn't peek.

The point of the exercise was to see how well I could do without the influence of the numbers. It worked fantastic the first couple of weeks because I was on track, feeling great, meeting all of my little mini goals almost every day and no matter what that scale may have said, I felt in my body that I was doing well. This positive momentum was an amazing boost every day!

Well, I think this is 6 weeks into it and I caved. I totally 100% caved. I couldn't stand it. First I couldn't stand it because I felt fabulous, was getting compliments left and right about losing weight and looked like the star of my own hip-hop video with my baggy pants fallin down, showing some crack. I was so curious as to what the numbers said. Then my mood changed, life changed, like it always does, I had a stressful, jam pack week at work and I freaked because I just knew I was back at 301 lbs. I just knew that I had somehow transported myself all the way back up to 301 lbs and I was going to have to start all over.

So I peeked. And I was wrong. Very wrong. I did not gain every ounce back in a weeks time period, which of course, all of you already knew because you're logical people. I have actually, surprisingly, hit the 20 pound mark. In the negative. I've lost 20 POUNDS!!!! Funnily enough I have lost 20.02 (as in weighing in with my .02) pounds if you want to get all technical about it.

WOOOFREAKINGWHOOOOOO!!!!!!

So now I'm not sure which direction to turn. Do I go back to weighing blind? Do I continue on with my weekly weigh ins? I do like to be able to update you guys every week with "what the scale said" because let's face it, it's a weight loss blog, not a "let's see how Sarah's day went" blog but I don't know if anybody really noticed that I wasn't posting numbers (except on the side bar) as long as I was posting other weight loss related posts. The blind weigh-ins really did make me less number obsessed, especially when you know that scale can have an atttude and hold a grudge even when you've been a stellar performer!

I'll discuss it Wednesday with Dewy and see what she suggests. If any of you have any opinions as to reading a weekly result or if you're just happy to check it there on the right, feel free to comment and chime in with you .02.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

Meet Kara, Josh and little Brecken

Hi everybody! I just wanted to take a quick second of your time to pass on some information for a very dear friend of mine, Kara. As you all know, Marco and I struggled with infertility for years before being blessed with our little Sadie. It was via that struggle that I was fortunate enough to meet and become friends with Kara.

Kara, Josh and Brecken are a happy family of three who are looking to become a family of four via adoption. If you would happen to know anybody who is currently making that very difficult, selfless decision of adopting their baby into a home of a loving family, please pass Kara, Josh and Brecken's information along. Their information can be found online here, as well as contact details.

Infertility has stolen so many things from so many people, but it has also given us the ability to understand the full capacity of our hearts in ways which otherwise, we would not have known. 

Suck it up!

That was the outcome of yesterday's "I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna" foot-stomping, baby fit. Today, when faced with my calendar taunting me with that big excited "E" for "exercise" I sucked it up and I did it.

And, as predicted yesterday, the good voice in my head out-shouted the naughty, slothful voice in my head (but, I do have to give him props, he kept chattering away right up until the end) and I went ahead and worked a full 35 minute workout. I didn't even intend to stop at 35 minutes but my poor little Sadie baby has a cold and was up screaming in her bed. The Mommy voice trumps ALL other voices, always and forever.

I really didn't feel like working because I was so tense from the last couple of days at work but exercising actually released that tension and now my body, although tired and stinky, feels better than any amount of relaxing on the couch could have caused it to feel.

So we're off to a good positive start this week! I hope  you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Oh how I want to be inspiring...

Oh how I want to be inspiring with this post but jeezopete I am just not feeling it. It's not gonna happen. It's just not. And that's okay. This blog has never been about me being miss merry sunshine blowing smoke up your wazoo to make you think this is simple, easy, fun, perfect or great (although many times it is every single one of those things).

Nothing is "wrong" per say, I'm just feeling very overwhelmed at this moment. This would be a moment when I would also feel the need to binge. On everything. And anything. Especially sweets. Pie, by the pie load. Cakes, by the layers. Brownies by the pan. These are my "go to" binge foods. Or at least they were.

But I'm not going to do that this time around. I may not eat perfectly but I refuse to binge. I'm just so ready to be "done" with that whole cycle, that I just stubbornly refuse to do it anymore. No more stuffing myself sick because I've had a rotten (ROTTEN) day at work. No more eating until I feel like throwing up (and then thinking "well, maybe I should make myself throw up"). No more. I'm just ready to never go down that road again. I'm ready to look behind me and wave "so long sucka" to that person on that wickedly addictive path. I'm ready and I will have to admit, it is largely attributed to my sessions with Dewy and the progress I have been making there. This is how I felt when I stopped smoking too (back in 2004). I was just fed up with it and I was ready to be done. I haven't had a single cigarette since and I'm done binging. I'm calling it quits. I didn't think I would ever feel this way in my entire life but I really feel kind of "over it".

I'm not claiming total victory over every facet of the mental weight loss game but I'm pretty sure that I've won this round.  Sarah 1  - Binge 0.

And this would typically be a moment when I would stop exercising because all I really want to do it snuggle up in bed and be "unbusy". After a long, mentally challenging day the last thing I want to do is come home and sweat my guts out, listen to that Fitness Coaches witty banter as she tries to prod me into one more round of kicks, squats or jumping jacks and work out. That "just do it' is something I still need to master.

Luckily tonight was my night off but I'm wondering, if tomorrow is a repeat of today, will I really come home and sweat? I would love to say "heck yeah you will Sarah, you can do it, think of all of those lovely endorphins running through your veins making you feel like a bazillion bucks" but right now, what I'm really thinking is "yeah, I'm totally not moving tomorrow". It's almost claiming defeat before I'm really defeated.

Maybe I'll make a deal with myself (I do this quite often, the voices in my head love to gamble) and say that tomorrow if I am still feeling lousy, I can work out for only 15 minutes but I have to at least do those 15. I can totally live with that. It's not being totally schleppy (yes, that's a word, in my vocab at least) or letting myself totally off of the hook but it's also not being an exercise Nazi. Win-win, no?

And, I know myself well enough to know that if I do 15 minutes of it, about 6 minutes into the whole sweaty mess I'll start to feeling good and continue on for at least 30 minutes. Even as I type this one side of me is saying "you're sooooo not doing more than 15 minutes" but you know, if I don't, that's really okay. Because I said it is. And I am the boss of me.

Let's hope today is not a repeat and  that whole thing becomes a totally moot point (moot was for you Keith!).

I hope you're all having healthy, successful and inspiring weeks!

Distractions

Yikes! I've been M.I.A. a lot longer than intended! No worries though, things are going super well! I'm feeling good, accomplishing my mini goals and fielding "have you lost weight" comments left and right.

Dewy asked me to come up with a list of distractions for myself to use when it isn't quite "time to eat" but I am getting that familiar "I'm bored therefore I'm hungry" type of feeling. I'm sure you all know it well! I have a little list at home already but I want to know what do YOU do to distract yoruself from food and mindless grazing?

Here are just a few things I've managed to come up with:
dust the house (this always needs done!)
paint my nails
read a book
walk the dog
play with Sadie
dishes/laundry
sort old photos
brush my teeth (not that I don't do this anyway, but a clean mouth staves off hunger for me)
WRITE IN MY BLOG!

I will need to have distractions for any time of day, so at work, on the weekends, 2am... you name it, I'll need a distraction. So let me know what you think!

uber quick catch-up

This week has been insanely busy at work so I haven't had much time to blog at all. I am doing well, keeping up the weight loss spirit, my food log and the whole she-bang. I have slacked a bit on my exercising, only doing it three times a week rather than four, but I will still meet my goal that I set for myself to make at least 80% of my workouts!

Geesh, I wish I had more time to say and actually more things to tell you but right now it's very solid and steady going. Not much to report.

Don't forget to read my post below and donate (or repost on your own blogs) if you can! She only has until March 5th to meet her $500 goal and she isn't halfway there yet.

Hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

A little help?

See that woman there with the red hair? Well, she's about to shave it all off to make a very BOLD statement and raise money for a very good cause, Children's Cancer Research. That woman is also my sister. Our brother was the inspiration, as he will also be shaving his head for this very worthy cause, and made her start to think about her own good health, and her healthy children and just how fortunate our family really is.

When she emailed me to say "I'm doing it" I got goosebumps and I have them again just writing this message to you all. For a woman to put her own self aside and say "I WILL DO THIS", that is strentgh, courage and a beautiful example of a giving spirit! It's something that you don't see every day. I am so proud of her and want to do whatever I can to help her meet her goal.

If you can, please go to the foundations website here and support my sister's efforts by making a small donation. You don't have to give $100, $50 or even $10. Just one single solitaty dollar makes a difference. I made my small donation this morning and it took me about 2 minutes to do. If you have 2 minutes and $1, we're on our way to making a difference in some child's life.

Please feel free to pass my sister's story on, either via your own blogs, email, message board, twitter (whatever you're using) and share her link. She's only shooting to raise $500 total but I think what she's doing can raise so much more. Help her meet her goal (plus, you'll get to see what that head looks like totally 100% bald!)

Tough to workout or tough workouts? (And Happy Valentines Day!)

Last night I begrudgingly did my 30 minute aerobic workout on the Wii. No puppy dogs and rainbows there, a didn't want to do it, didn't feel like doing and had no intention of doing it. Sometimes, it's just tough to workout! I hadn't seen Marco all weekend because he worked all day long, I was tired and I just wanted to sit with him and relax, talk about stuff and not be working out.

Marco, however, gently nudged me to go ahead and do it, which initially made me want to scratch out his eyes and convinced me that he hated my guts. What a jerkface.

So I snapped on the Wii, glared at him (as he easily sat behind the computer playing poker), and began to angrily grapevine, side step, kick and whatever else that skinny beotch on the Wii made me do.

I probably switched modes and moods about 10 minutes into it though. I wasn't pouting anymore and really trying to push myself and I no longer wanted to scratchs Marco's eyes all the way out, maybe just poke 'em a little. The skinny beotch on the Wii was still irritating but I could be on a Prozac-sugar-endorphin high beyond your wildest dreams and she'd still be irritating.

I pushed through and finished a tough 30 minutes, sweat and all. I somehow managed to make that "tough to workout" monent and refocus it into a "tough workout".

As a layed sprawled out on the ground sweating and stretching Marco came over and said "good job sweetheart". I knew he nudged me because he wants to see me happy and knows I would be pissed at myself today for skipping it. That man is one brave soldier, living his life with no fear of Sarah's Wrath, which, I will say, can be pretty darned scary.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Very interesting observation...

Last week at my appointment with Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) she suggested that perhaps I would want to try weighing in blind or only weighing in at my appointments with her. The reason being, I've mentioned to her that when I step on the scale it can effect how the rest of my day goes. If it's a loss, I'm obviously happy and can sometimes relax a little "too much". If it is a gain then I get a bit nervous and I become restrictive, probably overly restrictive.

The point of my getting help with all of this is not to lose a ton of weight right this very second, Biggest Loser style. The point of all of this is for me to form new habits and over a length of time the weight will gradually come off due to my new habits, not because I ate 900 calrories every day for 3 days, binged a day, went back to 900 calories, repeat repeat repeat like I have so many times in the past.

I agreed that I would only weigh at my appointment with her, weighing blindly and only knowing my weight once a month was just too over the top for me. Keep in mind that although my "official" weigh in was only once a week, on Mondays most recently, I still got on the scale almost daily. Ritualistically.

The first couple of days were pretty rough (to use the word loosely) and it was tempting, I will admit. I mean, who would know if I really did get on the scale or not... nobody but me. But what's the point of all of this if I start lying to myself (or to you all).

But by days 3 and 4, I noticed something else. I was feeling good. My clothes felt loser to me, I felt like I was standing taller. Just feeling good about myself made me, well, just happier. Happier to stick to my changes. Happier to exercise in the evening. Just all around happier, all week long. Now if I would have stepped on the scale and not seen a loss or,*gasp*, seen a gain, which let's be truthful here, it just happenes sometimes for no forseen reason, it would have totally altered my mood. I really hadn't realized what an effect those numbers, when seen on a daily basis, were having on me.

So if you're a scale junkie and you recognize some of this in yourself, maybe give it a try. Do it for a week or so and just see how you feel. See if the numbers are playing mind games with you as well.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!  

What a Monday!

Mondays are my weigh in day now and I was really surprised to see that I was up 0.3 kilos or 0.6 of a pound. Not that it's a significant gain but I really feel like I've lost. My pants are looser, my coat isn't as snug around my rump when I zip it, and my tush feels smaller. Granted these are changes that everybody would notice in my bod, but I see myself naked every single day, so I do notice them. An even bigger surprise was that those numbers didn't ruin my entire day, send me into a "why bother" tailspin or even really peeve me. I was pretty okay with that, reasing being:

I've been doing AWESOME on my workouts. Seriously awesome. I have only missed one day in the past 4 weeks since setting my original goal and it's just been fantastic. They're getting mildly easier to do with each passing day and I'm remembering back to how this whole thing started... how I lost my first 30 pounds back in 2006 and this is exactly how it felt. It wasn't easy back then, just like it's not easy now, but I was determined and I feel so very determined!

I've also been doing great with my other mini goals, such as cooking more home made meals, trying new recipes, drinking 64 oz of water per day and eating fish three times a week. Breaking these goals down has been instrumental to my less mopy-after-gaining-attitude because now I have so many other focuses besides "did I lose or didn't I". It was such a simple trick that I learned from Dewy, my therapist, but it really does work. Granted I'm not "fixed" quite yet but I am well on my way I think!

We did decide that maybe it would be a good experiment for me to try not weighing myself every week except at my appointment with Dewy. Because I tend to be so number focused, she thinks it could help me gain a little more perspective on all of the other great things I am doing for my body. It's also a reminder that this is not only about losing weight, this is about fixing the way that I deal with food on a daily basis. It's about figuring out what makes me tick and tweaking it. It's about making changes that will last a lifetime. So this week, I am not to step on the scale once. Not even to peek. That's actually going to be pretty challenging for me because I do tend to hop on almost every morning "just to see". What that does though, is if the number isn't exactly what I want to see, then it throws me into "oh-my-god-I-have-to-work-harder" mode, making me be more restrictive than necessary with my food intake, which tends to make me food obsess, which tends to make me binge. It's that cycle there that I hope to break. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint! We'll give it a go for a couple weeks and see how I do. I do love a challenge!

I have some other "homework" that I will share with you all later on! I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Keeping it level

That's my big goal right now, is trying to keep my blood sugar as stable and level as possible. That's why at the center where I am getting help at, Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman, Yay!) suggests that I eat every 2-3 hours and really trying never go to over that three hour threshold. Since adopting this method I can honestly say my energy level is better than it has been in a very long time and certainly since my daughter was born.

I've got that down fairly well through the week when I'm at work, as I tend to be more in a pattern then. I get up around the same time, I set my reminder on my email to tell me when I should (generally) have my snack, I have pushed my lunchtime back to fit in this schedule, I have a second reminded pop up to tell me to eat my second snack and then I have dinner. Dinner is the one that is always a tricky one. I sometimes go over my 3 hour limit before eating dinner as I'm busy paying attention to Sadie (my delightful daughter, check out her blog). The weekends, well, they take some strategic planning sometimes and I can improve on my eating during that time for sure.

I'm encouraged to eat six times a day with my first time eating being as close to when I get out of bed as possible. The reason being is that it's probably been a very long time (10-12 hour) span of time since I'd last eaten, therefore my blood sugar would be extremely low, if I would test it. A lot of people (including me) say "well I'm just not hungry in the morning", which may be true, you may not feel hungry, as in, your tummy isn't growling, BUT if you would check your blood sugar, you would see that your body is, indeed, hungry.

There is no cut off time as to when I should eat last. If I am awake and it's been 3 hours since I've last eaten I should have something, anything, to keep my levels, well, level. Some "diets" encourage you to stop eating after a certain time in the evening such as 6 or 7pm, yet most people don't go to bed until 10, 11 or even later. As you will be able to figure from the paragraph above, if you stop eating a 6 and then don't eat again until 6, 7 or even 8 the next morning, you're really asking a lot of your body!

Notice I'm not counting calories, I'm not counting points, I'm not counting anything except the hours and logging my food intake every day. Yes, I have been given a list of good foods and snacks to help me make better choices but let's face it, it's not that I don't know that an apple is a better choice than a muffin. I know (for the most part, sometimes you can really be fooled!) what is "healthy" food and what isn't and they're not tyring to teach me that. They are focused right now on getting my eating in a normal pattern with normal portion sizes.

So, that said, I wanted to share with you what my last couple of days have been like just so you can get a real idea of what I've been doing. Keep in mind I am not perfect, and you will see that. I am not trying to be perfect, I'm just trying to do a little bit better that I've been doing in the past.

This is copied and pasted from my food log:
(wwbb stands for whole wheat brown bread and I've left some other descriptions in the text below for things not everybody may know)

Feb 1st


8:00 - 2wwbb 1 w/ humus, 1 w/ butter and honey, 2 cappucinos w/ sugar
10:00 - sultanas (fruit snack bar, 2)
1:00 - 2wwb w/ light cream cheese, 2 slices ham, apple, 2 diet cokes
3:00 - banana
5:00 - 2 time out biscuits and a cappuccino w/ sugar
7:00 - Thai curry chicken and veggie w/ noodles
9:00 - sultanas
worked out for 30 minutes, was very hungry afterwards, so had my late snack even though I had eaten 6 times already that day

Feb 2nd

7:30 - 2wwb humus, cappuccino w/ sugar
10:15 - sultana
1:00 - cheese tortilini w/ meat sauce and veggies (1/2 portion), diet coke
3:00 - apple
5:00 2 mandrins, 3 pieces of chocolate
8:00 steak w/ sauteed onion, mashed potatoes, greek salad, diet coke

Feb 3rd

8:45 - oatmeal w/ raisins, brown sugar and cinnamon, 1 capuccino w/ sugar
10:45 - apple
1:00 - 2 wwbb w/ mayo, roast beef slices, salami, cheese, tomato, cuke, lettuce, 2 diet cokes
2:15 - 1/2 slice of apple tart (office party)
4:30 2 mandrins
7:00 - thai curried beef w/ veg and rice (didn't eat my usual full portion,felt full)


Feb 4th
8:30 - oatmeal w/ sprinkle of brown sugar and cinnamon
10:00 - 2 mandrins
12:45 - white fish w/ pesto (baked), w/ small fries (10), 4 onion rings, mushrooms and onions (sauteed), 2 diet cokes
3:30 - apple
7:00 - ceasar chicken salad, 100 ml optimel kwark (this is a Dutch yogurt type food)
in bed at 10


Feb 5th
8:15 - 2 wwbb humus
10:00 apple
2:00 - tomato soup, 2 wwbb w/ butter and one slice of old cheese
4:30 - 100 ml optimel kwark
8:00 - baked chicken breast w/ bbq sauce, roasted pumpkin

Also in my log I mention if I have had a struggle or emotional day as to later see where my destructive patterns are.
 
So that's what I've been up to as far as how and what I am eating for right now. Once this becomes more 2nd nature I will start focusing on other aspects of weight loss.
 
I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

I'm at a loss... but not for words!

I'm at a loss, of 1.3 kilos this week or 2.86 lbs! Man, that was just beautiful and reaffirming to see on the scale this morning. I have not been "perfect" with my eating, and that's a good thing because I'm not striving for perfection, just to be better, but I have been really kicking some tail with my workout regime and seeing the scale haul ass as much as I have been really feels fantastic.

I've been working out with my personal trainer, aka my Wii Fitness Coach, for 30 minutes every other day for the past week and a half or so and those workouts have been killer. It's nice to have the affirmation from the scale (even though I know it isn't my focus) that I am doing something right!

That makes a 6.6 kilo or 14.5 lb total loss so far. Feels good not only to have the loss but to feel like I'm making so many small, positive changes in my life in order to get healthy.

Now that is the way you want to start off your Monday! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

A quick catch up before the weekend...

Today was another workout day for me and once again I chose my Wii Fitness Coach as my tool-o-torture. I did this same workout for the first time on Wednesday and 6 minutes into it I was ready to die. You remember, I just blogged about it two posts down. :o)

Anyway, I knew that this time it was going to be "easier" or at least I woudn't feel like throwing in the towel quite as early into the workout. I've been here before, the first time you do something new is always the worst and it quickly gets easier but I was still really glad when I didn't want to die until 20 minutes into a 30 minute routine, so well done me!

I've been more hungry than usual over the past two days for some reason although I haven't changed my eating habits. I am still eating on schedule and the same foods that I've been eating for weeks. Not sure what the deal is there. It makes me kind of nervous because what I don't want to happen is this continues and I end up in a calorie infested binge. And I know it's hunger, actual real hunger, because I'm drinking plenty of water and my tummy is actually growling.

I've also had a hell of a lot of heartburn lately. I haven't had to take medicine for my acid reflux in ages, literally years, but suddenly it's been creeping up on me again. I am not eating acidic foods or anything that would generally scream "heartburn" and the only thing I can think of that I changed since it started happening was I greatly increased my water intake. Surely water wouldn't cause me heart burn? I'm almost afraid to google it. I've been popping tums a couple of times a day to get rid of it but I may have to call up the doctor and ask for some more Rx meds if it continues to be a problem.

Part of my goal is to start cooking more "from scratch" meals and including Sadie in the preparation. It's not that we're eating frozen dinners chock full of sodium or anything of that sort but the grocey store here offers a lot of fresh, prepackaged meals and we turn to those a lot due to scheduling and wanting to spend some play time with the kiddo after a 40 hour work week (which is a lot for a mom of a 2.5 year old, according to Dutch standards, but seems pretty typical for all my Americans out there). So, if you have any quick, easy, tasty recipes that you're just dying to share or you think we'd enjoy, feel free to pass them along! I'm going to check out some of those blogs I have over there to the right too, to get some inspiration. I enjoy cooking and preparing meals but I just don't want to give up my kiddo time, hence the importance on recipes she can help out with, you know, washing a tomato or pepper, stirring, whatever she can do.

So that's the it of it for today! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Before and After... and before again

Back in '06 - 07' before I was blessed with my gorgeous daughter, I had dropped 70 pounds and for those of you who have followed me since be beginning will recognize this "before" picture. That's me, Dec 2006.

This is me in May 2010 in the Canary Islands so "after" my glorious birth (yeah, almost 2 years after) and slipping back into my old habits. Here I am about 5 pounds lighter than I am today, so it's a pretty fair picture to use.

So, today, I am printing out my "before" picture to hang on my white board next to my goals. I bet you're not going to find many bloggers who want to be the before picture again! I think the visual of what I have accomplished in the past and what I still can accomplish now will be a positive reinforcement of the changes I am making.

Holy Moses That Hurts!

So part of the plan is to exercise four times a week, every week. I've got a Nintendo wii with three fitness related games, Just Dance 2, Wii Fit and a Wii Fitness Coach. I also have a Zumba DVD set that I got off the local teleshopping network here, so I have a plethora of things to get my heart rate up. When you're 290 pounds, it really doesn't take all that much.

For the last 2 or 3 weeks I've been sticking to the Just Dance game. It's a lot of fun. I sweat. I enjoy it and I'm so competitive that I have to have the high score in every single song. But, the downside to that game is you can get lazy and still score points just by moving your arms. (don't get me wrong, it's a great arm workout!)

After this weeks weigh-in and only dropping a little over 2 pounds (yeah, I know, poor use of the word "only") I thought I should really step up my workouts and see how it goes in the next two weeks, if I could really made a bigger "dent" in my goal. You know, really challenge myself with my workouts.

So tonight, just 30 minutes ago, I did my wii Fitness Coach game (yeah, right, game). I set myself a 30 minute workout (20 is the lowest time choice you have) and pushed "start".

Six minutes into the thing I was already certain I was going to die. Visions of Marco coming home from work to find me on the floor, wii remote in hand, fitness coach (aka devil woman) still chirping "come on I want you to really push yourself" playing in the background ran through my head. I hurt. A lot.

Low and behold, I didn't die and the 13 minute mark popped up. Almost halfway there and my heart was still beating. I knew that because I could literally see it in front of me, beating out of my chest, cartoon character style. thump thump thump thump.

I had made it halfway though and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to make it all the way through! The workout ended with some stretches on the floor. I wanted to kiss the Coach when she sat down. Whew. Embrace the cool down, no problemo!

When she finally told me "time's up, well done, you're awesome" and all those other cheesy things that video games tell you I crawled over to where my phone was and sent Marco a simple text message. It read "that hurt".

I did it though. I made it through all 30 tortureous minutes of the routine. It seriously kicked my ample rear all over the place but I did it. I'm really pretty proud of myself and I know that that next time it'll be easier. I'll let you know on Friday how true that really is!

Hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Some changes I've noticed

Since devising my "plan of action" and writing it out, I've noticed a few changes in myself:

• I have a "spring" in my attitude and my step. I no longer am worrying "how am I going to do this". I'm no longer overwhelmed with the daunting task of losing weight. I have a plan. Yeah, it make need tweaked now and again, but it is a firm plan that I can follow and refer to and so that takes out all of the guess work. Being bogged down by thoughts of weight loss can really consume you (me) so just getting that plan out there has helped me lighten the mental load of weight loss.
• I feel like I have more energy. The reason for this is twofold. One, because I am eating 5-6 times a day, timed every 2-3 hours, small meals/snacks, which keeps my bloodsugar level, making me feel better and more energized. Also, since throwing exercise in the mix I have all of those little endorphins running around my head making me feel naturally, better.
• I'm becoming a bit more adventurous with my cooking and trying out new recipes! Some have been good. Some have sucked eggs, but just doing something new and fresh in the kitchen makes me happy!

It hasn't been all easy going though. It never is, is it?

Yesterday I had a headache all day and for some reason that made me feel like eating. Okay, not eating so much as binging. I just wanted something, anything, to help me feel better and so my body naturally (to me at least) wanted to turn to food. But was food really the answer? Of course not. The worse I felt, the more I wanted to binge though.

My colleague had a very nice, big box of chocolates sitting on her desk. I had had two of those chocolates the other day, from this very box and they were good. Very good. I plotted in my head how I could take them, run and hide and gobble them all up until I was sick to my stomach. I could eat them all. My boss has the same box on his desk. I could take his too. Then I could really eat some chocolate. MMMMM Chocolate. Chocolate until I am sick. (and yes, it looks strange typed out there for the world to read, but this is what my body was feeling, I WANTED to be sick from eating chocolate, that was supposed to make my feel better).

I have seen this side of myself before. It's not pretty and it can get even uglier. There were a couple things that stood out to me though:

• I didn't just want to help myself to a couple of the chocolates I wanted the whole box and then the second box. Why wouldn't two or even three little chocolates have been enough?  
• I looked forward to feeling sick from eating them. Seriously, that is when I would have felt "satisfied", when I felt physically sick.
• I wanted to hide and eat them, not from fear of being caught with them, but more from embarrassment of somebody seeing me eat them.

I didn't steal her chocolates in the end. I didn't steal the other box either. I didn't binge at all, as a matter of fact, but that urge was so real and I don't know why I think or feel that way. I went over the whole thing in my head this morning on my way to work, when I was feeling better, and I don't really get it. I don't know why I associate feeling sick or stuffed to the point of sickness as a positive thing. I'm going to really discuss this with Dewy on Thursday and see what she has to say about it.

On a lighter note... and I do mean "lighter note"... yesterday was my weigh in day and I dropped a little over 2 pounds (1.2 kilos) from last weeks weight in! I updated my stats there to the right ----->. What a way to start the week! I'm throwing my Wii Fitness Coach into my exercise routine this week and I'm curious to see if I can keep up with a 30 minute routine.

I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!