Get your shit together man!

So two posts below I blogged about how my DEWY (for those first time readers, DEWY is Disorderly Eating Woman YAY! and eventually I am going to quit explaining that) canceled our appointment without bothering to call me and let me know. Now I’ve emailed her twice with no response. I finally got a phone call from the center where this therapist works saying “We see that you are one of Dewy’s patients and even though you don’t have an appointment scheduled with her, we wanted to call you…” and this is where I cut the woman off and explain that, yes, I DID have an appointment with her, she just didn’t bother to call me to cancel it or write it in her calendar. Oops, I guess the two people I talked to the day of my appointment didn’t bother to write that in the calendar either.

The woman continued to tell me that Dewy is on permanent leave and they don’t know if or when she will be returning. Oh great. Yeah, sorry for her, but with the risk of sounding totally selfish… WTF for me? So now, here I am 8 months after I had my referral from my doctor’s office not one step closer to getting any help than I was then.

I was furious. Not that this woman is “ill” but that this place has dropped the ball again and again and I am going to have to start ALL over with somebody else, answering the same questions, telling the same stories, sharing the same bull. Not only that, they purposely put me with this woman because of her native English skills, as I want to be able to do the appointments in English, so I can express myself (unlike in Dutch where I could only express myself like a 7 or 8 year old can, or I just wouldn’t be able to get the same point across as easily). So I asked when she thought they’d make yet another decision on how to deal with me and she hoped it would be this week. Naturally, it’s the holidays and there is probably nobody around that place, so if I get a call this week I would be extremely surprised. Flabbergasted really.

Yahtzee!!!

It's kind of roll the dice with my emotions and eating lately.

I've been feeling unfocused, overwhelmed, wishy washy, unsteady, powerful, determined, able, incapable, strong, tired, willing, confused, inspired, dejected, deflated, hanging in there by a thread.

Every day seems to be a shake of the weight loss dice and I just never know if I'm going to be yelling Yahtzee or throwing the dice across the room and stomping off in a huff because I didn't "win".

Sometimes I'm just one little die away from hitting it big and scoring some weight loss points. Sometimes I roll a whole lot of nuttin and leave a big fat zero in the Yahtzee box. Each game and each day (hell, each meal even) it's a various mix of this, that and the other. Good choice, not smart choice, thinking with your stomach not your head choices, wise decisions, you just never know what's coming up next, what's around that next corner, what's going to come shooting out of the little cup with your next roll.

I do try to keep in mind that not every choice has to be the Yahtzee of all choices. Even some of the rolls inbetween can be enough to make you win the game in the end. I guess it's not the perfect roll I'm hoping for, it's that balance of large and small straights, a fair amount of 5s and 6s when trying for them, maybe even a full house that can win the game, with or without that perfect Yahtzee kind of an eating day.

Knowing that even if I didn't get the magic roll this last meal or snack or day, it doesn't mean that with the next shake of the dice I can't come up yelling Yahtzee.

It's like a kick in the pants...

I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to comment or email me regarding my last post. It really cements my keeping my blog because the support I get from people I've never even met is a tremendous help. It's like group therapy without the appointments. I do really appreciate it any time somebody takes the time to say Hi or hey there or anything, really.

So, I'm still here, still insane (by definition!) and still thinking I can do this.

I had my second appiontment with my DEWY (Disorderly Eating Woman, YAY!) today. I went in totally prepared, food log in hand, subjects to talk about in mind and attitude to boot and guess who called in sick (without bothering to call her appointments)... yep. Dewy. WTF!

I know she can't help that she's sick but a freaking phone call would have been nice. PLUS I just want to keep these regular appointments because it really helps me to keep focused on what I'm doing and actually feel like I'm accomplishing something. So now I have to reschedule and try to get in ASAP as to not derail my progression thusfar, which isn't much, but it's something by golly!

Well, regardless of what happened at my appointment, or lack thereof, I am accomplishing something... I went from 137kilo at my last appointment (the day after I landed back in NL from the US) to 133.2, which is a 3.8 kilo (or 8.36lbs) move in the right direction. Before you go applauding me for a job well done... when I weighed in at 137, I was bloated from my period and retaining some extra water from the flight the day before, so more than likely 6 of the 8 pounds lost was fluids. That said, fluid or not, I weigh 8 pounds less!

I've emailed Dewy to say "thanks a lot, let's reschedule". I've continued logging my food. I've stopped today's binge before it got totally nutso-out-of-hand and I've decided that even though I binged this afternoon doesn't mean I have to continue that behavior for the rest of the day so I am back on track as of this moment (or actually 30 minutes ago).

and away we go... again...

Discouraged is a mild way of putting it.

So I decided to get back into the swing of things by opening Dr. Phil's book again and refreshing my memory to what exactly I was doing before that seemed to turn my life around so drastically back in 2006, when I had successfully lost that weight, those 70 pounds. My counselor actually encouraged my re-reading his book as they use a lot of the same theories and practices as Dr. Phil preaches.

I cracked open the book and started browsing though. I got this book a long time ago and read it twice before putting it into practice and during that time I wrote in the book my goals, my downfalls, my internal thoughts... I did exactly what the book instructed me to.

As I was reading and skimming through the book I discovered that so many of the things that I struggle with now are exactly the same things that I felt and struggled with then. Then I saw the page where I defined my wiehgt loss goal in very detailed language, including dates of when X amount of weight would be gone. The year I was supposed to "really do this", the year that "this was it", the year in that book that I so surley wrote down my goals... 2004. Six years ago.

I hastily drew the conclusion that in 6 years I have not evolved at all. Oh yeah, I dropped some weight once, but here I am again. I am still battling the same battles. I am still dealing with the same issues. I am still morbidly obese. I am actually HEAVIER than I was in 2004. What in the hell happened? Well that answer is clear... a whole lot of nothing.

That was enough for me to close the book and sit here discouraged. In 6 years I've seemingly accomplished nothing, not anything in my weight loss endevor. What in the hell have I been blogging about then? Apparently I'm full of shit. Hot air. I'm a sayer, not a do-er. It's all a bunch of bull to fill up the time and make myself think I'm actually going somewhere, doing something, getting healthy.

And let's be really honest here, it's not like 2004 was my FIRST attempt at losing weight. It wasn't the first time I though "gee Sarah, you may just want to drop a few". Those same thoughts had been in my head since my late teens. So, it's not just the last 6 years that I've done absolutely nothing. It goes beyond that. Far beyond that.

I put down the book. I didn't read any further. All that spirit and determination flew right out the window. and in crept the other kinds of thoughts. The negativity. Or is it simply the reality?

Here I am still today thinking "yeah, I can do this. I will do this. Not doing it is not an option. I'm on my way. This is it. I'm doing it." Who am I kidding? Myself? My readers? Nobody? You?

We all know the saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

Then again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So which am I? The one who needs to just try, try again or do I define insane to a "t"?

Calling: A Girl Worth Losing

Sorry but I am trying to get a hold of "A Girl Worth Losing". I've sent you an email but I'm not sure if you still check that account since it's been a while since we talked that way. I know you still read my blog though, so if you can, get in touch with me. I wanna catch up!

I am back!

In more ways than one! I am back from my long, wonderful, funtastic vacation in the USA and I am back on the weight loss wagon. The scale was not nice to me this morning. No feelings were held back when it shouted out ugly, heavy numbers at me but I must say that I am not surprised at all. I could feel it in my clothes. I oculd feel it in my body. I could feel it in my knees. I knew I had gained weight. It just was bound to happen whilst in the land of super size, free refills and cheesecake. I love my cheesecake and it loves camping out on my thighs. So, I've gone to the US, I've weighed in afterwards and now we begin... again....

I had my first appointment with my new councilor this morning. She was fantastic and we've got a plan of action. I'm back to logging my food, eating every 2.5 - 3 hours to keep my blood sugars up and level and I'm feeling focused. Marco (my husband) and I talked a lot about a plan of action for when I returned home and we sorted some things out. We realize mistakes I have made, where things go wrongly wrong and how I easily get distracted and derailed. He's, once again, totally on board with whatever it is I want and need to get going again.

I also talked to the new councilor about weight loss surgery. She knows it's on my mind but I told her right now I just want to focus on getting my head on straight and then we'll see where we go from there. It's still a viable step in the process of permanent weight loss but I just am not ready for such a drastic step right now (as in these next two months) but it's still on the table. We've also discussed me going to OA meetings on my own, since I won't be joining in the group therapy they offer since it's in Dutch. I'm still on the fence about that but hey, I should at least try it, right?

I've also decided that I need to take the guess work out of my meals for lunch at work so I am going to start brown bagging it. Then I know what I'll be eating and won't be tempted to jump the salad bar line for the more savory hot lunch option, which generally consists of a lot more calories that I ever intend to eat for lunch. By skipping the cafeteria lines altogether I won't have to say "no" to the carrot cake, or taco bar, or whatever else they have that derails me. This is actually a really important step that Dr. Phil talks about in his book too, making your environment around you one that you can be successful in. I can't very well shut down the canteen at work, but I can avoid standing in its lines.

SO there is a brief howdy for now. I'll try to catch you all up on everything again in the next couple of days.

I hope you've all had healthy, successful weeks!

Vacation time!

I wanted to check in to say I'm checking out... for about 3 weeks! I'm going "home" to the US for a nice, long, much needed break so more than likely I won't be updating my blog in that time.


I've made my further counseling appointment and have still been looking into the lap-band. No decisions have been made and probably won't be made until after my vacation is over. I’ve discussed it with my husband and he is on board with whatever I choose to do but of course we would talk about it more extensively if I decide to go that direction.

I just had my uncle here for a visit and I can actually say that even though I was in “vacation” mode, I didn’t go overboard. That’s pretty easy to do here though, when I’m in the US (Thanksgiving) it can be a whole other ballgame. I don’t want to be super restrictive or obsessive while I’m there with some home cooking but I also don’t want to come back weight 10 pounds more than I did when I left (which is actually doable in 3 weeks time, trust me). I’m just going to try to be conscious, splurge on the things I really do miss and cannot get here and sacrifice at the times when it really won’t matter, like having a much lighter breakfast rather than the full meal deal.

So, I’m signing out for a short while but will be back on the 30th with an update from Dewy and what the plan is.

I wish you all happy, healthy, successful weeks for the upcoming rest of the month!

More thoughts on lap band

I belong to a social group of women that have all struggled with infertility but of course we branch off into other topics as well. I shared with them that I am considering lap band surgery and so we've been having conversations over the past week and when I was typing a reply here I thought it was kind of blog worthy. So below is my reply to a woman who shared both a positive surgery story and a negative one:

What I think I look forward to most is just NOT being able to eat so much. It's strange but I will enjoy not being able to over eat. I am already working with a therapist for my weight issues and one of my biggest hurdles is trying to figure out why I have to feel full, like verge of puking full, in order to stop eating. I am very "into" texture and sometimes will eat food simply because of that. I have had panic attacks on "diets" because I don't have that full feeling and I just flip out. My mental behavior is not normal and I totally 100% recognize this it's actually why I sought out help in the first place.

(the woman talked about a friend's surgery who experienced depression afterwards so that is the "male" I refer to here) I actually think it's really strange that the male you mentioned didn't realize there would be depression issues afterwards. I think that's one of the things I kind of expect, really, is just to be shocked and shaken up a bit. Maybe not full on "depressed" but really, your totally changing gears. When I think about how I felt the first year living in a foreign country, that's kind of how I expect this to feel for me, should I go through with it. When I moved to Holland I thought... okay, some things are the same but even though they may looks the same, they're actually very, very different. That's how I think I'll feel after a surgery like this. Although I will still need to eat, it's going to end up being very, very different. I didn't go into moving to Holland naive to the fact that it would be difficult, but there was no way to really prepare myself for the problems I really faced. I think surgery is kind of like that. I can prepare myself the best I can, but once its happening to me, it may be a different ball game.

When I read the stories of people who still eat like shit or gain weight or any of that I really just know in my heart that that would not be me. And of course it's easy to say "yeah, well that's what everybody thinks" but again, I just know myself. I'm not taking this decision (which has not been made yet) lightly. I don't enjoy what I'm doing to my body by over eating. I don't enjoy hiding food from people, hiding my eating. I don't enjoy wondering what people say about me behind my back or think of me when I'm in public. I look forward to the day when I simply cannot eat like I do.

The surgery would be both mental and physical stimulation for me. The physical part is obvious but the mental part also plays a big role. I would "know" that I could not eat __________ so I would be okay with that. It's just really hard to explain how my mind works with food.

In the end, I blame my parents and lima beans. LOL

(not really mom and dad)

Good advice from many good people

After getting some good advice from my friend Keith, I went ahead and called my councelor this morning to plan my appointment for after my vacation. I don't want to have to wait another 3 or 4 weeks after I get back to get in, because Lord knows things can take forever here. Love his logic. (and his attentiveness to how things go here in NL)

After getting some good advice from my friend Claire, I have looked even further into Lap Band surgery just to be as informed as I can be and she basically said "if you're serious about doing it, then get to doing it". Love that girl and her ability to give it to me straight.

After getting some good advice from my friend Marco, who also doubles as my husband, I'm going to keep researching, talk it out with him, talk it out with Dewy, check with my insurance (and I think they cover it) and have some good sleeps on it. I'm going to keep trying to lose weight on my own but he understand not wanting to lose any more time with Sadie, being able to do things a parent should be able to do with their child.

Ali - I do appreciate your taking the time to comment on my last post and sharing your friend's experiences with me. (and the rest of this parapgrah is not just intended for you, it's to clear up questions from anybody reading this blog). I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that I thought that surgery was "easy" because, naturally, I'm not looking for a quick and easy fix. I think of surgery as another step in the process to aid in my weight loss, along with the help of my councelor and nutritionist. (and agasin, it's not that this is a "done deal' I am just thinking outloud via my blog).

I do know, as with any surgery, that there are risks involved, of course. There are bigger risks at staying this weight though too, such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, not to mention the damage I am doing to my joints. You (collectively) can be sure that this decision would be one that I would never take lightly, that I am researching and hasn't just popped into my head. I've been contemplating and reading over different surgeries for years. It's just that this is the only time that I have ever seen it really as a viable option. If I'm not a good candidate for it, then who is? What is the real criteria? Do I have to wait until I'm imobile? Do I have to wait until I am diagnosed with diabetes? When is the final step when surgery is actually acceptable? When I've battled my weight my entire adult life, and I'm now 34, when do I finally say, enough, I need more help? Is it when I'm 40? Is it when I have a health scare? What is that deadline that will make surgery a real, true option?

Thanks again for all of your input and all of your advice! Please, good, bad, positive, negative, leave me your comments. Try to keep in mind though what I've mentioned above and don't assume I am walking into this blind or lightly (no pun intended).

Canceled my appointment

I had to cancel my appointment with my new councilor due to unforseen circumstances at my home, mainly a turn of events such as needing to take off work early all next week, Marco almost ripping off his entire toe nail, Sadie having a horrible head cold and my in-laws being on vacation, all things together means I cannot possibly make an 8:30 appointment.

I called and canceled it and didn't schedule a new one. Not because I am not going to go, but because in a few weeks time we're going to be on vacation in the USA and I think it's best just to start fresh after then.

I've, once again, been tossing around the idea of looking into having lap band surgery. I am going to talk to a friend of mine in the US who had it done a couple of years ago as I have some questions and I know her surgery didn't go off without a hitch. I don't want only to hear good things, I want to know the entire truth, as it can happen.

I know many people have many opinions on this type of surgery so feel free to voice them or if you want to share your exerience with me I'm all ears. 

I have always pushed off the thought of surgery, justifying with "if I can eat so little AFTER the surgery, then surely I can do it beforehand with the same results" but I am actually feeling that maybe I need the actual physical inability to eat in bulk in order to make myself not do it.

I thought of it this way... I can't write left handed. I mean, sure I can hold a pen in that hand and write, but it's extremely difficult and sloppy. I'm just a right handed girl. Now, should my right hand be cut off, you bet your ass I'd be able to learn to write with my left hand and woudl learnt o eventually lead a more normal life. Along those same lines, I can eat right/less/better but I obviously have issues with doing it well. Cut off my ability to do so and I am all but forced into doing it.

I have a severe doubt in my abaility to lose weight and keep it off. Severe and justified doubts. Then I see my friend, who had the surgery probably 7 years ago, who hadn't wasted the last 7 years fighting, struggling, arguing, depressed, anxious, battling against her weight. Yeah, sure, she's had her own battles and her life hasn't been perfect, I'm sure, but she overcame this one huge hurdle. I want that peace.

still here!

Sorry it's been so long. I've got my next appointment with my new Dewy (disordely eating woman, yay!) woman on Wednesday and I will update after that. Until then there really isn't much to tell I guess. My eating has sucked, my attitude has been worse than my eating and without that focus of having biweekly check-ins with a councelor, I've been totally derailed. Even on the days when I say "okay, knock it off, get back to it" I still never quite "get back to it". I have all the greatest intentions of the world but no drive or focus. I suck. Well, I feel that I suck. A lot.

And that's where I am!

Asking for your help

As you all know (or some new readers may not know) we struggled with infertility for several years before finally getting pregnant with my daughter. Through our struggle I have been fortunate enought to meet some incredible people, mostly women, who share some common ground... we all suffer(ed) with some form of fertility issues.

That is how I came to know Karin and her husband Marlon. They still have not realized their dreams of becoming parents and are now enlisting in the help of the internet to do so. Can you please read their blog and see if you, or somebody you know would be able to help Karin and Marlon become the family that have always dreamed of becoming? 

If you read their story, and are in a position to do so, please feel free to share the link either on your own blog, via email, on message boards... however you feel you can help them make that connection.

Overeaters Anonymous Anyone?

Well I still haven't heard from the Disorderly Eating Center regarding my new councilor and next session, as Dewy told me I would. She said it would be 2 to 3 weeks and this is only week 2, so it's not like they're late but come on already, make me an appointment. Seeing that it took them 4 months to get my first appointment, I’m not expecting the phone to ring any time soon.

I did have the ever so slightest epiphany though. I realized that when I have appointments, it makes me feel like I have somebody or something holding me accountable and I stay a lot more “on task” than if I am just going it alone. That says a lot to me. It's kind of like people who join weight watchers for the meetings because then, mentally, they're being held accountable. It's something to put in my back pocket for later on down the road when I'm no longer seeing my councilor.

I had some friends from the US at my house last week(ish) and it was so easy to be derailed, especially knowing that I had no appointment to weigh-in at in the near future. There was not one morsel of food recorded. There was no plan adhered to. It was complete and utter chaotic food-ness for 5 days and I am paying the price. I gained back a good solid kilo (2.2 lbs) and a smidgeon more but I have since put myself back on track with eating at regularly scheduled intervals. Making wiser choices. Planning ahead. Drinking water.

I wondered if any of you readers out there have ever joined Overeaters Anonymous? It was something that Dewy suggested I look into here, as there is an English speaking chapter. I haven’t yet got up the guts to even google it but I would be more than happy to hear your experiences or thoughts. I don't know why I'm being such a wimp about it. I mean, I'm already reaching out for help, this is just another hand to hold, shoulder to lean on, group to speak with, right? So let me know your thoughts!

I hope you’re all having healthy, successful weeks!

Happy Birthday To ME!

I turn 34 today and although I don't have a lot of time to write, I would like to say that by this time next year there will be a whole new Sarah staring back at me in the mirror, a Sarah who has her shiznit mentally pulled together with all things food related, or at least a heck of a lot more together than she has it right now, or even a few months ago.

That is my solemn vow to myself and to all you out there in blog world. Feel free to hold me to it next year at this time!

Hope you're all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks!

We're getting somewhere...

I had my third appointment with Dewy and they've finally decided what in the world they're going to do with me. They've decided that since I wasn't totally comfortable with group therapy, especially in Dutch, they would allow me to only go with one-on-one help. That was such a huge relief for me. The new woman I will see is also half british so another native speaker, which means there shoudn't be a language barrier. Unfortunately this woman has a waiting list (insert big fat eye roll) so I don't have my next appiontment scheduled yet but they "think" it should be only a couple of weeks. If I don't hear back in two I'm going to call.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to do what's been working for me. I will continue to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours, stick to the recommended foods and snacks and just try to lose a bit more on my own. I have maintained my loss this week, which is great.

I've finished reading "Mindless Eating" and I really cannot say enough positive, great things about that book. I am going to go through it a second time, highlighting things that "speak" to me and put their suggestions into play. What I really loved most though, and it was a surprise ending, is that at the end of the book it listed 6 or 7 of the most well known "diet" plans (Adkins, South Beach, etc.) and gave a kind of overview of what the diet entails, the positives and the negatives. It seemed extremely unbiased, which was refreshing.

So that's about it for me! I hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Congratulations are in order!!!!!

I want to give a great big shout out to Becklette for hitting her negative 90 pound mark!!! Check out her hilarious, no bull-blog and wish her the enormous congratulations that she deserves! Way to go Becklette, you're an inspiration to us all!

If I was clever enough to make you one of those fantastic badges that I see other bloggers have on their sites, I'd make you one for sure! Until I get that clever though, you'll have to settle for a very impersonal one that I snatched off of the internet. Hey, it's the thought that counts, right? 

I've noticed...

I've noticed that I have a few more followers over the last couple weeks so I just wanted to leave a short post to say welcome to my blog! Happy for you to join!

Please feel free to leave me a comment if you have a weight loss blog of your own that you'd like me to link to and, naturally, returning the favor would be appreciated.

The Little Tugboat

Tuesday has always been my weigh in day since the beginning of time, or at least since the beginning of this blog and although, right now, I am not concentrating on my weight loss per say, (I am really concentrating on my first baby step, trying to eating to every 2.5-3 hours) weight loss is still the "Ultimate Goal" but kind of a side effect of eating every 2.5-3 hours. A nice side effect, it is.

So, I'm still going to weigh myself every once in a while, maybe not every week, just to see. I don't want it to become something dreadful or something that I feel that I have to do because that pretty much derails everything Dewy is trying to change in me. 

Even though I went ahead and updated them there to the left on my status bar, I thought I'd go ahead and make a post out of it too. So, here is the "skinny" on me:

Height: 5'10"

Age: 33 (but 34 in a mere 15 days, cards and gifts welcome)

Starting Weight: 133 kilos or 292.6 lbs

Current Weight: 128.9 kilos or 283.58 lbs

1st Goal Weight: 90.9 kilos or 200 lbs (a.k.a. all-time lowest adultweight, EVER)

2nd Goal Weight: 81.8 kilos or 180 lbs (a.k.a.healthy weight range for my body type)

Total Loss To Date: 4.1 Kilos or 9.02 lbs

Something I am doing is working. Hell, all of the things (and there isn't really a whole lot of "things" in this group) that I am doing are working. That's 9 pounds in 6 weeks and all I am doing is being mindful that I eat every 2.5-3 hours and choosing my foods carefully (the way I know I should be choosing them). 

Sorry but I have to do this... I deserve to do this... I'm totally going to do this.....

TOOT! TOOT!

I hope you are all having successful, healthy weeks!

Transformers! More than beats the eye!

Dewy suggested that I pick up a copy of Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink, so I did, because, why else would my insurance be paying for a counselor if I am not going to take her advice and go with it. So I'm about 1/3 of a way into the book and I can hardly put it down. It is so well written, a bit of an easy read. I even brought it to work with me today to read over my lunch hour.

Now you all know what kind of effect Dr. P's "The Ultimate Weight Solutions" had on me. It was profound and I have since re-labeled it as The Weight Loss Bible (for my own personal uses only, I don't think Dr. P's staff was quite as receptive to the idea, and that restraining order kind of proves it) but this book, this little paperback, lightweight book... it sheds an altogether different light on eating habits. It opens your eyes, ears and mind up to things you (and I) probably never thought twice about.

It could never replace the Weight Loss Bible, no, never. I shudder at the thought! I do think putting the two together, hand-in-hand, is like building my own personal Weight Loss Transformer. Dr. P is the body/heart of my machine and Brian Wansink is the head. Dr. P relieves me of the emotional, heartfelt, burden of food and it's powers over me. Brian (yeah, we're on a first name basis already), he just figures it all out, does the math and spits out the answers for me. He's like my own personal cheat sheet.

Naturally, you (and me) are the final piece of the Weight Loss Transformer. You form the legs because it's up to you to run to the library, check these books out, race back home and read them front-to-back and you, the legs, will take the rest of the body where it needs to go thereafter.

It's your legs and feet that will step on the scale and see the difference. It's your legs that will carry you in front of the mirror to physically see the changed person week to week, month to month and year to year.  

I don't want to scare a potential readers of Mindless Eating away by saying it gives stats and study results (because to me that sounds so very boring, I yawned just writing the sentence in fact) but the book is the author telling you of all of the "tricks of the trade" to get you to eat more/less etc. It gives examples of case studies regarding things like restaurant lighting/music/ambience/smell and how it really does effect how much you will eat. It's also about how you can make changes in your own home, when you're out in a restaurant, when you're at parties, to make you more mindful of not only what you're eating but in what quantities.

I hesitated in giving a book description because it's hard to describe without making it sound boring or preachy, but I can promise you the book is neither of those. It's written with a humorous voice, which appeals to me, but still manages to be really informative. Like I said, I am only 1/3 of the way through and I cannot say enough good things about it, nor can I wait to see what else Brian has to say.

Let me know if you decide to read it or have read it already and your thoughts/feelings. Actually, feel free to comment anything, anytime! Makes me feel not so "alone" out there in my thoughts.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks.


*********EDIT*********
After publishing this post, I went down and ate my lunch, book in tow. Low and behold, the very next chapter in Brian Wansink's book quoted none other than.... DR. PHIL and THE ULTIMATE WEIGHT SOLUTIONS. It's like the gods of weight loss are looking out for me.

An unexpected, yet expected, surprise

It's not my "official" weigh in day, which is Tuesdays, albeit, the last few weeks.... okay months....I've not been posting my weigh-ins because saying "no change, nothing new, same old stuff" 150 times over just isn't appealing. PLUS I was inching closer and closer to my original, all time high weight, and let's face it, that's not really something I'm super duper proud of.

When I was at Dewy's office (my counselor, aka Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) I had actually went from 130 kilo at my original appointment to 133 at the last appointment, so yeah, I had crept up 3 kilos in 6 weeks (that's a bit over 6 pounds for you unconvertibles).

I was upset but most of all, I was confused! I didn't FEEL like I was gaining weight, and I hadn't done THAT bad recently. Yeah, I wasn't eating perfectly but if anything I would have thought I was just maintaining my svelte 129 kilos, not gaining. I think Dewy must have sense my utter disappointment because she assured me, it's okay, you won't necessarily lose in the beginning as your body adjusts, and I walked away feeling okay with that. Okay with the fact that I am just beginning, this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon and I will lose the weight because I am proactively trying to get my shiznit together.

So this morning, before eating, drinking or dressing, (I did put my contacts in, so there's at least a fraction of a fraction of an ounce there) I got on the scale just hoping that I didn't gain even more and much to my surprise, I didn't! I actually lost! I am back to 129, which is really my starting point. So yeah, that's 3 kilos gone in a week and a half. That's a little over 6 pounds gone in a week and a half. That's a chunk of weight gone!

Do I think I lost 3 kilos in a week and a half, no, not really. I think my weight is a compilation of everything I've done over a period of time, so it's just that the scale and numbers finally caught up with the rest of my body. They were a little slow on the uptake but they finally decided to give in and follow the crowd and move in the right direction.

I surely didn't expect to see such a dramatic change in the short amount of time since being on the scale last so it wasn't expected, but at the same time, I knew I was making changes, positive changes, so it was really quite expected to happen... eventually.

So here we go again... many small, tiny moves in the right direction have paid off! I'm feeling accomplished and positive and a little assured. I am doing the right thing and it's really paying off, not just in numbers but in the way I am feeling overall.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

slow as sleeping snails

I had my third appointment with the Dewy (Disorderly Eating Woman YAY!) and these people are slower than sleeping snails. First it took me 4 months to be called for an appointment and now today I was told that the other guy (whoever he is, I don't know) is still not back from vacation, so they're not sure what they want to do with me yet as far as solid plan. That's the same thing they told me two weeks ago. It's been 6 weeks since my initial appointment, make a freaking decision already.

I left feeling discouraged because I think they want to put me in group therapy, which would be fine, only it's in Dutch and although I can understand very well, speaking it is still difficult (slow) and expressing myself regarding emotional issues is extremely difficult. It just doesn't come to me quick enough and I think I would be embarrassed to try it. I just don't want to go to a session and end up zoning out or not taking anything away from it (or inputting anything either). I speak Dutch with my inlaws all the time, in public places like stores, restaurants and with other Dutch parents so maybe I wouldn't do so bad but the thought of it is super depressing and makes me extremely anxious.

I was also pissed because I gained two pounds over the past two week, didn't lose!

I was encouraged though because I am doing really well with my eating timing. She said to keep up what I am doing, so eating every 2.5 - 3 hours (so I have breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner and another snack) and logging my food.

Right now we are concentrating on just getting this part down (the regular patterned eating) and then we will look further into food choices, portions etc. Of course I am trying to make better choices but I know I have a lot of work to do. She did say that I shouldn't expect to lose anything at first, which was shocking since I weigh 286 pounds, but she said that it will take my body a little bit to get used to the new pattern and then kick itself in high gear. I do, however have loads more energy, as I mentioned in my previous post.

I don't know why it hit me as such a shock that I am going to have to eat less and cut some things back quite a bit (like the yummy chilled coffee drinks that I love all too much) but it just made me a bit sad kind of like "here we go again". I was trying to think back to how I felt about food back in 06-07 when I dropped the 70 lbs so I got out my Dr. Phil book and am going to scour it for answers (I worte in the margins) and re-read some of my old blog posts. I know I wasn't miserable then by any means. I was feeling fabulous, on the contrary, so I can't really understand where this feeling of dread is coming from.

Dewy had a book recommendation for me as well. It's Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansik. She said it was a really good, eye opening, but but also kind of funny and lighthearted, I'm all for it. I promptly ordered my copy from Amazon this afternoon and it should be arriving in a week or two.

I'm also to keep a log of some "isms" that I live by, so sarah-isms such as "if the plate is not empty, then I am not done" and "delicious is more important that nutritous". They don't all have to be negative, or positive or anything of the sort, they just have to be little "rules" that I know I tend to live by, consciously or not.

I bought my little bank to keep my reward Euros in. It's a little elephant that says "eurofantje" on the side, which is a Dutch plan on the words Euro and Little Elephant. I thought it was fitting to get a little elephant and make him get bigger as I work on getting myself get smaller. I guess that could go for any animal but this guy is super cute.

So as I wait for my book to come, I'm going to go back through the Weight Loss Bible (Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solutions) and just try to reconnect with the girl who was so fantastically liberated by his words in the first place.

I hope you all are having happy, successful, healthy weeks!

the ups and downs of weight loss

The shrinkage woman, at my last appointment, drew me a little picture of how people gain weight. It was just a little line chart of showing how most people gain some, then the line goes flat as they stay there, then gain some more, then lose some, then stay the same, then gain some, stay the same lose some, gain some, you know, so you get this line across the paper that, although it goes up and down, there is a steady upwards motion that you can see. Something like this:

Then she turned that paper so the line was going from the highest point, to the lowest point now. This is how you lose weight, the same way you put it on. You lose some, you plateau, you gain a little, you lose some more, you plateau, maybe you gain more than a little, then you lose some more... but in the end, you can see where is a downward movement to your goal weight.

Now what she told me wasn't news to my ears, I had heard variations of that statement a hundred times over, but there was something to it that stuck with me. I think it's the visual of seeing what she meant rather than just hearing "you didn't gain it in a day and you won't lose it in a day" statement.

She's asked me to post that chart somewhere so that it's in my visual line daily. I haven't done that yet but will at some point. I don't want to put it on the fridge because I think it send me a negative message of "don't look in here otherwise you'll never reach that goal" which isn't true. Everybody has to eat! Maybe a better spot is on the wall above my scale so it can remind me that no matter what the number says, I am on that little roller coaster of weight loss and the ride is going to end up exactly where I expect it to... the finish line!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Just to give you an idea...

This is how I am logging my food. Notice it's not a lot of measurements, calories, fat, protein gram counting, it's just simply writing down what I'm eating and trying to eat every 2.5 - 3 hours throughout the day. I do put measurements in if I know them but for the most part, I'm just going with the flow.

Yesterday, the 18th was actually a pretty "rough" day for me, as in the afternoon, for some strange reason, I got extremely anxious and NEEDED to feel full. Not just to eat, but to feel very full. I just felt panicky and what I perceive to be "hungry" and just wanted that full feeling. I got through it with minimal damage but it's been the first time I've felt that way in the week I've been trying this "plan".

Oh and I don't think I mentioned that the woman told me I should definitely have a "rewards system" but not for losing weight, but for following the "plan" right now. So if I am supposed to eat 8 times a day and I managed to eat 5 out of the 8 (this is just an example) then I should give myself a reward. She suggested a piggy bank and putting a euro in it for every day I stay on plan. Notice it isn't every day that I am PERFECT, but every day that I do well. That is really encouraging and helps me to not be so hard on myself if I don't have a perfect day, which we all know will happen!

So here is a little example of what I've done yesterday and so far today:

August 18th
8:00 Granola cereal w/ whole milk (when she asked if I could try to eat granola cereal for breakfast to get some carbs in the morning, I told her "but granola has sugars and carbs in it" and she replied with "but that's thinking like a dieter and you're trying to only follow a plan to eat X times a day". Then I kissed her... well... in my head I did.)

2 bottles of water (500 ML each)

10: apple

12:30
2 ww bread w/ butter, 2 ham, 2 salami slices (ww = whole wheat)
cup of hungarian goulash (pork and veg, disgusting)

(feeling panicky)
16:00 - 17:30
6 sultanas (these are not quite cookies and not a granola bar, but a snack bar of sorts. One portion is 2 pieces. I ate 6)
2 time-out biscuits (a very dry, cookie, time-out is the brand)

6:30 thai chicken/veg/pasta stir fry

8:00 - 9:00
carrots and hummus
spa fruit (carbonated water with fruit juice in it)
250 ml yogurt
chips (probably 30 french fry looking things)
5 drop (this is black licorice, a very Dutch thing)


August 19th
7:30
coffee
2 ww bread, butter, honey


9:30 choco coffee mix

12:30 (we had a bbq at work)
grilled salmon
beef burger on bun w/ bbq sauce
veggie rissoto - 1/2 cup
cole slaw - 3 bites
fruitsalad of watermelon / cherries / pineapple
DC and Spa Fruit

4:00 - apple

then I will finish off my day here. So it's actually pretty simple as long as I plan well ahead of time and don't leave myself without any snacks. I'm following along the snack list suggestions that she gave me and have a stock in my drawer here at work as well as at home.

So there is just a little glimpse into my current plan that we'll build on as my therapy continues!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

Little changes = little differences

I’ve been following the advice of the councilor for the past 4 days now and just some little things I’ve noticed:

· I have more energy since I am trying to eat every 2.5 to 3 hours. And I don’t mean just a bit more kick in my step, I mean I feel loads better.

· I am less anxious about losing weight because I am focused on eating in a healthy manner. I don't feel overwhelmed at the task at hand.

· I never feel panicked about “OMG it’s ____ minutes/hours until lunch/dinner I’m never going to make it” because 2.5-3 hours between eating something, even if it’s just a small snack, goes by so fast that I feel like I’m always pretty close to snack time.

· Planning eating takes a lot of…well…planning

· I have the most wonderfully supportive husband in the world who is now eating breakfast with me, even though he’s never eaten breakfast before in his life, because he wants to also be healthy and show his support. He’s also careful to remind me of when I should be eating a snack if we’re out running around and I forget. Seriously, he didn’t just jump on board, he jumped onboard and buckled himself in for the long haul. I don’t know what I’d do with him.

All this in just a few days. I don't want to jump the gun, but I'm really liking the changes so far.

Well hello out there!

So I had my second appointment with the disorderly eating folks and I am feeling so great about the prospects and plan. Just a quick recap, my first appointment was kind of just an intake interview and this one gave me a rough map of a plan and the third appointment (in two weeks) we will talk more in depth on how to deal with my issues specifically and continue from there.

What I like best about it is that they use many of the same processes as Dr. Phil's book, The Ultimate Weight Solutions, which, as you very well know, is what I used to drop the 70 pounds back in 2006-07. I really loved his book (the weight loss bible as I call it) and the fact that they will help me take his princples even further really makes so much sense to me.

After having my beautiful little Miss Sadie Pants, I sunk so far into my old habits (stemming partially from complete sleep deprivation) that I just needed further help figuring stuff out that I just can't do on my own. His book was a wonderful starting point though, and I am actually re-reading it now to remember what really did work and help me.

Right now we're focusing on my eating patterns and not really uber concentrated on WHAT I am eating (although of course they gave me lists of things that are good choices, okay choices, and "okay once in a while but not often" choices). Again, they reiterate that nothing is "off limits" which makes it so much less likely that I will binge.

They are more focusing right now into keeping my blood sugar levels actually level and then once I get into a normal, healthy eating pattern, we'll focus more on "what" I am eating. That, in itself, makes me feel more relaxed because I don't want to feel so OBSESSED with food. This approach makes me feel so much less overwhelmed with the task at hand, as I would generally feel plowed with information and things that I just "have" to change immediately, especially in the beginning of changing anything so major, really. She stressed to me that I am not on a DIET (which I knew) but I am just changing the way I think, feel and deal with food.

Yesterday was the first day I tired their method of eating something small between meals, so every 2.5-3 hours I was eating something and it was only in the evening, when I would usually binge that I really had some problems and became nervous and anxious.

We are also trying to work out all of my food and binge triggers. Some are quite obvious (sadness, lonely, boredom) but some are a bit harder to recognize.

I am also somebody who gets nervous and anxious if I do not feel full (stuffed full) and that is something that is going to take some time to work through. We're working on a plan to have things that can keep my mind going in other directions rather than focusing on food, which is also something I did with Dr. P.

I've also realized in just two sessions how much moving overseas 6 years ago really has effected my overall "self", in that my life is so very different than it was in the US regarding friendships and socialization and I may not be dealing with that in the best ways that I can. I stil don't have a clear plan of action for this but hey, I have time, right?

I feel really positive right now. I am keeping a journal of food, of course, and I just really am so glad I sought out help. If anything, meeting with her every two weeks gives me somebody to be accountable to and I think a lot of us need that accountability.

I hope you are all having wonderful, healthy successful weeks.

AND

a very happy birthday to my Mom today!

Well I did it. I had my first appointment

I had my first appointment at the disorderly eating center to get my head (and body) shrunk and it was a really great first experience for me. I wasn't nervous because, well I just don't get nervous for things like that. The woman was nice and asked the questions that you expect to be asked at an intake appointment, like your height, your weight, why you're there, what you feel you need help with, how badly your parents screwed you up (Mom and Dad I gave you a fine report!), how horrible your childhood was or wasn't and what you've done in the past and are currently doing, your work, your home life.

When I told her how much I weighed she asked me if I would mind getting on the scale to prove it. Apparently most of the people they see are grossly over or under estimating their weight (by at least 20 pounds, 10 kilos). I was spot on with my numbers, minus the clothing alotment (I'm at 130 kilo right now, a very ugly number, 285 pounds) and she really looked surprised. I asked her "what's wrong?" and she told me that above quoted stat that people over or under estimate their weight usually and added "and I didn't think you looked like you weighed that much". Yeah, I love this lady!

So then when I was telling her about my weight loss sucess back in 06-07 (yeah, it's been THAT long) she asked how I did it and I told her Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions (aka the weightloss bible) and she was really pretty happy with that. She told me that was a great book and that the practices that they use there are similar, if not the same, as in his book. She then asked the dreaded question "well if you had success with that in the past, then why don't you just do it again" (put more elequently of course) and it was a really hard question to answer. I don't know why I haven't gone back to the bible. I love Dr. 'P's advice and when I did apply it and keep it fresh in my memory I really had great success with it but even at those times I never felt like those demons-who-are-my-own-destructive-voices-making-me-sound-psycho-ish were ever gone, they were just quieted. And, I hate to say it, but since having Sadie those aforementioned demons seemed to have gained strength in their voices and are louder than ever. I just don't think I have the strength or tools to do this alone. I think I need a bit more help than what I can give myself via the weightloss-bible.

She asked if I thought I would benifit more from individual therapy or group therapy (which is what they usually recommend) and I chose individual because of the language (it would have been in Dutch) and I really want to get the most out of this experience.

So now she's going to talk with "the group" about our session and her findings and the shrinkage will continue in another two weeks.

To be continued then!

I hope you're all having healthy and successful weeks!

10 fast facts about me

1) I'm feeling not so far down in the dump-y but I'm still not "go get em tiger-y" either

2) I'm looking forward to my first appointment (29th) at the disorderly eating counciling place.

3) I'm ordering a bike and hope to start riding 3-4 times a week, once my tush gets used to the seat.

4) I've found a pool that has convenient hours (which is a HUGE deal in Holland) that I may be able to start swimming laps occasionally throughout the week.

5) I've been talking with Marco a lot about how I've been feeling and he's probably the most wonderful support system a girl could ever wish for.

6) I've decided to go in to my first appointment with a very open mind and try whatever it is they suggest for me, regardless of if it's worked for me in the past.

7) Other aspects of my life are going very well and make me happy.

8) It's been almost two years since I gave birth to Sadie (August 1st) and she's finally sleeping through the night 3 to 4 times a week giving me a ton more energy and a better outlook on my future in weight loss.

9) I have to try to keep in mind that although collectively I need/want to lose 40 kilos or 88 pounds, I can only do that 1 pound at a time. I've been overwhelming myself with the "big picture" instead of focusing on the small brushstrokes it takes to make that big picture. I just have to lose one pound. That's it.

10) No matter what I've gone through or how I've been feeling, my little flicker of hope and will to get this weight off has never burned completely out. I've said it probably a hundred times in this bloh and I will continue to say it 100 more times. Not losing the weight is just not an option. Quitting is not an option. I will do this.

I'm still alive. Just trying to get my thoughts together. Hanging in there. hang with me.

and breathe...(swearing used, be forwarned)

Before I do anything this morning, before I check my email, before I see what happened on facebook, before all of that stuff, I wanted to come here and jot down some thoughts that went through my head on my way to work this morning. I have turned off the comments for this post because, well honestly, because I can't stand the thought of one more person cheering me on when I don't feel cheer worthy. I don't feel like reading supportive comments, seeing "tough love" or any of that. I don't want your advice (not that I don't appreciate it) I just want to get my thoughts out there and move on. Ready or not, here it comes.

I feel panicked. I feel anxious. I feel imobilized. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have multiple personalities. I feel happy in probably 4 or 5 sides of my life because there are a hundred things going perfectly right-on with it and I am very excited about those aspects but there is always this voice inside of me, whispering to me constantly, sometimes shouting, teasing, taunting me about my weight and casting a shadow on what should be a very joyous time in my life.

I am overwhelmed by my thoughts about losing weight, not losing weight, food, good foods, bad foods, sugar, carbs, eating clean, can I do it, why am I eating that, stop doing that, you did it again, God you suck, that's not okay, don't let them see you eat that, stop Sarah stop!

I feel in the verge. One the verge of what, I don't know, but I just feel on the verge. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. There isn't enough money in the bank. There aren't enough clothes in my closet to fit this body that won't leave me tugging at them every time I stand up. There aren't enough (any) shoes to fit my swollen feet that aren't going to leave me hobbling at the end of the day. I walk like a 80 year old woman. I am 33.

I can't explain what happened after I had Sadie, almost two years ago now. All the motivation, empowerment, energy, life... all of the things I had and felt when I had lost those 70 pounds, there hiding from me. I used to stand in the mirror, NAKED, flex my newfound muscles with my husband doingt he same right beside me, and be proud of what I had accomplished. But I don't even feel like I did before I lost that weight. I feel "different" now, worse off, sadder, defeated, more confused, more lost, more like I can't do this. Not again. Now now. Not with this life. I don't feel like me. At all.

I feel fake. People I see every day have no idea what's happening in my head. No idea. Even my husband has no clue what I'm saying to myself and what kind of torture I am putting myself through mentally or what I'm really feeling. Nobody knows how I feel on the verge of purging every emotional atom in my body, full force, into the toilet and giving up on this resigning to the fact that I am just always going to be so uncomfortable in my body. I'm sitting here, working, doing everything I should be doing on the outside. I go to lunch, I eat, we chat, I go home, tell about my day, cook meals, give Sadie her bath and seem calm, normal but on the inside I am not feeling that way at all.

I've even been telling myself that I deserve to be this way. It's such a fucked up way of thinking that I can't even type it out here to make it clear but when I eat something that I know I shouldn't be indulging in, usually in large quantities, afterwards I even tell myself that I deserve to be punished with my body. "thats what you get" I tell myself but I have no idea for what? That's what I get for what, Sarah?

I feel alone in understanding me but nobody else could possibly get this. I can barely understand me let alone expect anybody else to get it.

All I can do it breathe. Keep on going and hope. I don't even know what to hope for anymore, really.


*********************************************************
since posting this, I looked back in my mobile call log and realized that the Disordely Eating Center was supposed to call me 3 weeks ago to set up an appointment. So I called them to see what was going on (if you don't remember or are new to my blog, firstly appologies for the bright and cheerful 1st post you're reading and secondly, I have been diagnosed as having an eating disorder and am seeking treatment at a local center which has a 8 week waiting list to get an appointment) and they claimed they were going to call me today or tomorrow, which is still 3 weeks later than I was told originally. So now I have my first appointment set up for July 29th, a whopping 4 months after my referal reached their door. No use in being bitter about it now, just have to wait it out and hang in there until then.

whole lotta nuttin going on

I don't even know how to put it into words. Not trying to be dramatic here, just really at a loss as to what to "update" as to where I am right now in the weight loss world. Well, I guess a good start is my weight, right? Well I'm still at 129kilos, same place I was many moons ago. Many many moons ago.

I'm still unsure as to what path I'm going to take to get myself going here. Yeah, I'm going to go to the Disorderly Eating place and talk about my feelings and all of that head stuff, but it's not like I'm going to walk in and ***woooooooooshhh*** things are going to change. I'm going to have to make other changes and I just don't feel up to the challenge right now. Yesterday, I felt fantastic, today I don't feel up for it. This is life. This is life regardless of if you're trying to lose weight, get a new job, have a kid, sell a book... no matter what else you're trying to do, you're always going to have these fantastic energetic "take on the world" days and other days where "meh, I don't have to get out of bed" becomes your motto.

I have been drinking water more often and making healthier choices for breakfast and lunch but it's those evenings... those long, drawn out, tired evenings that get me. But I don't have to tell you guys this, you know it already. You've read it already, you've experienced it yourselves some of you, you know the punchline before the joke is even told.

That's why I'm not really sure what to update because it's all pretty much been said. I'm not reinventing the wheel here.

Surely I'll feel some inspirtation to blog something better, more positive, more enlightening, more ANYTHING in the next couple of days. Surely, right?

I've been trying to find time to update all week long but every time I'd go to log in I'd get distracted by something or another and never quite make it here to post. So now that Sadie thinks 5 AM is a good time to wake up every morning, at the buttcrack of dawn, I have no excuses and no distractions, well unless you count the Teletubbies, but I can ignore their uh-ohhhing long enough to write a post, surely.

There isn't much change from my last post actually. Still no news from the Disorderly Eating Shrinkage people. I'll give them another two weeks before I start harrassing them. I've started, once again, eating healthier at work, choosing the salad bar over the hot food bar. I've noted that the evenings, which didn't used to be a problem at all for me, are now the enemy. Exhaustion from work and being a Mom to a kid who still doesn't sleep well make any sort of function in the evenings... well impossible isn't the right word... but it sure doesn't make it easy, for lack of a better word coming to mind at this time of day without and coffee in my veins, to have energy left to exercise.

I've been on a cake baking and decorating kick (okay it's an obsession) lately and that's actually been a positive thing for me, which seems totally backwards, but hey, it's me, what did you expect? So rather than baking cakes, filling cakes and frosting cakes causing me to eat aforementioned cake, it actually does quite the opposite. All of the planning, mixing, getting-it-so-so, reading up on how-to, watching video's on fondant, all of this cake stuff takes my mind off of food, the usual food that I would be mindlessly grazing on, snacking on and eating for no reason. I am so excited to be creating something, even if it is just a cake, that I don't just sit and snack. Yay!

It's a big lesson shoved right under my nose. Yes, that's a lesson I smell, not cake baking, although the key lime cake I am making for Marco for Father's Day did smell divine. Anyway, that lesson, the lesson that if I have something planned to do then I tend not to eat as much rather than when I have no plans and sit around to "relax". It also shows that when I am eating in the evening it is more out of boredom than hunger. Yeah, well no huge epiphany there but still, you can't help but look at the facts when they're glaring at you.

I just remembered the other day that I have a wii fit fitness coach workout game thingy and I am going to start using that. Hell, since I'm up at 5 AM anyway, it gives me a couple more hours to fit in some sort of exercise right? Well, that's what I'm saying right now, but how I'm feeling at 5 AM certainly isn't anything like exercise, it's more like the exorcist.

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

oh and I haven't broken up with Dr. Phil, we're just on a break. I am planning on taking him to the Disoerdely Eating Shrinkage people though, if I ever get to go.

I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this post so please accept my early apologies if I am all over the place or no place at all.

Since back from vacation a whole lot of nothing has been happening in the weight loss world. I was talking to my gal pal Becklette (over there on the left, check her blog out, it's good stuff) telling (read: whining) her how I don't know why I'm not really doing anything about my eating or exercise or anything at all, I'm just not, and she made a very keen observation. She pointed out that I'm not doing anything because I'm waiting around for this damn Disorderly Eating place to call me for my first appointment. Yeah, that makes sense. That seems like something I would do. I love when people don't bullshit me and tell me like it really is, and for that, Becklette, I love ya! I mean it makes no logical sense to wait for these people to call me for an appointment because it's not like they're going to get me in and my life will change automatically. I'm still going to have to do all of the hard work that I did before so why in the world am I hanging out pretending that this fairy godmother of a councilor is going to change my world? Meh, no clue.

In the meanwhile I've been tossing the idea of surgery around in my head. And put away your soap boxes, there is no need to preach about how "surgery is a very serious step" and "do you know the risks" and all the other crap that goes along with it. Yes, I know, yes I've done reading up, the good, the bad, the scary, the deathly scary, the ugly, the whole sha-bang-a-lang and the bottom line for me is, if I did, by some miracle, have any sort of money to put towards weight loss surgery of any kind, be it lap band, lipo (which I know isn't for MAJOR suckage of fat), staples and the likes, when all was said and done, I would be in the same place, mentally, that I'm in now and I would hate to put my body (and my family) through that if I would be at a high risk for gaining the weight back.

But in my wishful mind I think to myself, "self, if you ever lost all of the weight, via surgery you would have a clean slate and there is just no way you would ever do to your new body what you did to this pre-surgical body."

but then I say to myself "self, you did lose over 70 pounds before and yeah, so you got pg, but since then you packed on even more weight and are creeping up on your all time highest adult weight again, which is not a good thing. at all."

So it's a back and forth battle. If I were to rub my lamp and, besides getting rid of that layer of dust, a genie came out and granted me a new rocking bod (okay, so even a semi-decent bod) the very next morning, would I really be able to keep it? Would being the "do over" card be enough to keep me on track, be mindful, exercise and really take care of myself the way I need and DESERVE to be taken care of?

I like to think the answer to that question is a big fat "HELL YEAH". I guess I'll never know though. It's all hard work, exercise, a healthy diet and lots of head work that's going to end up putting me in that rockin bod I so desire. I just hope I get there before I'm 40.

Tweet Tweet, the Canary's were fantastic!

So sorry I forgot to post before I left for vacation! I did weigh in, however, and there really wasn´t that much to say. I had made a goal to drop roughly 11 pounds before my vacation, just as a fun little goal, and alas, I didn´t drop a pound. Not one single pound. It´s typical me, when I have a deadline, weight loss related, I tend to binge my way out of success every time. This is something I hope to work out with the therapist if they ever call me to make my appointment.

We did have a wonderful time in the Canary Islands (Lanzarote was the island we went to) and I managed not to gain a single pound while there, even with drinking alcohol (which I don't do at home) and I actually managed to lose two. I guess it was all the activity and NOT sitting on the couch watching TV that did it because I didn't watch what I ate at all and had ice cream every day, sometimes twice. Between the sangria, champagne for breakfast, ice cold cervezas at dinner (okay and sometimes lunch) I would have bet the farm that I would have gained a little something but cock-a-doodle-doo I didn't!

Here are just a few pics, because I realize I haven't shared any pictures of me recently. So here I am at 128.5 kilos or around 283 pounds.

I haven't worn a dress since my wedding in 2004, but for some reason I was really attracted to this one. Between the flight, the heat and the alcohol my feet were swollen and looked like potatoes, hence the unattractive, but wearable, shoes.

Me and Sadie (yes I realize big people aren't supposed to wear verticle stripes but ya know, I'm not going to fool anybody into thinking I'm tiny by avoiding them, so here they are)

This is sooooo not a flattering picture at all but it's what I look like so here you go.

Ouch! We had a fun time at the Cactus Garden.

Me and Sadie That lovely sangria that I enjoy oh so well and not nearly as often as I would have liked to!

So there you have it, me, in the flesh. All 283 pounds of it.

Feeling better

Just a quick update to let you know I am feeling better and back at work. Still trying to reach my ini goal before I leave for vacation in a mere 8 days but I think I will fall short. I'm not going to weigh myself until the day before though just so I can keep this positive momentum going.

It's just a short, 3 day work week for me here, so I'll try to catch you all up with a more interesting post in a few days. I hope you are all having healthy and successful weeks!

I'm down (but not talking about my weight)

I'm sick. It started with a sore throat Tuesday which has progressivly gotten worse as the week went on and coupled with a stuffy-yet-runny nose and full feeling in my head and ears, it took me out of work both yesterday and today. I'm taking it easy, laying around, drinking plenty of fluids and just doing what you're supposed to do when you're feeling puny.

Needless to say there isn't much to really catch you all up on. I hope by Monday I am back in the game full force. There is only 13 more days until we are on a plane to Spain and I have hopefully lost the 5 kilos that I set as my goal. If I were to guess right now I would say there is no way I've lost 5 kilos yet considering the cookies, krispie treats and muffins I've been devouring but I still have some time left to make at least a small dent in my small goal.

We shall see.

(feel free to leave as many sympathy and "get well" comments as you'd like, I'll lap them up like a little puppy dog)

A quickie

The good:
· I had a banana, apple and tablespoon of peanut butter for breakfast, a salad for lunch and have drank about 5 bottles of water so far today, and it’s only 2:30 here.
· I’ve planned a salad for supper with smoked chicken.
· I walked for 30 minutes 3 times this week (so far)
· It’s a 4 day work week in the Netherlands, thank you Queens Day!
· Exercising, even just this little bit that I’m doing, has made me feel wonderful. It also makes me want to eat better. Eating better makes me want to exercise more. Exercising makes me want to eat better. Eating better makes me want to exercise more. So on and so forth.

The bad:
· Just when I’m feeling great, positive, resisting the urge to eat poorly and making changes to minimize my exposure to sweets (for fear of a total binge), my colleague plops down chocolates she brought in announcing “I’ve restocked my chocolate”.

The ugly:
· My walk today caused a nasty blister on my heel (I forgot my socks at home).

And there is your little catch up for the day!

I may not be back until Monday so I wish you all a very happy, healthy weekend!

So Tuesday, time for an update of sorts. MadameK commented (THANK YOU!) and asked me how it was going with the therapy so I thought I’d let “the masses’ know, I haven’t started yet. Apparently, once you register, there is a 8 – 10 week waiting period for….well because that’s how the Dutch like to roll. On top of the waiting period, they also claim they didn’t get my referral from my doctor, even though he sent it by fax and by post. Now how both of them managed not to make it to their office, I’ll never know, so that tacked on another two weeks to my already lengthy waiting period. I was more than frustrated. I mean, you finally decide “okay, I need some help to tame this monster that is my subconscious” and they put you on a 2 month waiting list? (for those who may have just joined the .02 blog world, I've been diganosed as a "disordely eater" and am seeking help with a center here that will have a team of people trying to sort me out. Sounds fun, eh? All kidding aside, I will be seeing a psychologist, nutritionist and other people who are focused on people with eating disorders and weight loss)

As I’m patiently waiting (sarcastically) for my call saying that I have my first appointment, I’ve been walking 3-4 times a week during my lunch hour for about 20-30 minutes. It’s been super weather recently and I’ve really enjoyed the movement. It's not like I'm going to sit around waiting for them, right?

I’ve cut out a few of my morning coffeess (yes, plural, we're talking 6 - 8 cups a day here and that's before lunch). I've been eating more fruits and veg, less carbs and have curbed my late night snacking (although not nearly as much as I need to). I’m not perfect, but then again, I’m not trying to be perfect, just a little bit better than I was yesterday.

I’m still chugging the water but could probably step it up a notch. I’m eating fruit for breakfast rather than a toastie. I’m skipping the cafeteria to avoid being seduced by the brownies and muffins and opting for bringing my breakfast from home instead. I'm also getting coffee out of the machine rather than the luscious lattes they serve in the cafeteria. This mighty adjustment has helped loads!

I’ve managed to maintain the 2-3 pound loss that I had but would really like to kick it in gear to meet my goal of losing 10 pounds by May 20th, when we leave for our vacation (should that stinking volcano in Iceland quit burping out hot motlen lava and ash, thank you very much). Seriosuly, with the weight I’m carrying, this goal should be simple to achieve but I just don’t seem to be motivated or focused enough to really get in there and do what I know I need to do and CAN do. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s stopping me, it’s like I can’t put my little finger on it. I’ve made some small, yet significant, changes. I’m just going to keep picking at it like a scab I guess.

I hope you all are having healthy and successful weeks!

(p.s. don't forget to join my rss feed there, to the left and become a follower of .02 so you'll never have to worry about missing an update!)

I betcha didn't know I could do THAT

A woman I know that belongs to an online-message-board-group-thingy that I belong to recently asked me to help her with a project she was working on. She was sewing a baby blanket for a hospital for the Neo-natal care department on a volunteer basis and wanted to include a little writing, maybe a poem, to add to the finished product.

I actually get a huge kick out of it when people ask me to write things for them, for something specific, like a project or speech or anything really. It helps them, but more than that, it helps me. It helps me be creative. It helps me think. It helps me feel like I can help somebody else. It lets me use my talents for the better good of the people, or at least for a laugh. It makes me feel proud that they trust my creative fingers to do the writing. I love getting "assignments" and having a deadline and the pressure of it all. It's honestly a thrill for me. When I got this assignment all of those happy little emotions ran rampant and I was extremely happy with the outcome.

Said friend finished the blanket project and gave me a shout out on her blog for the poem. So check out Life at the Hatchery and get that warm snuggly feeling. I'm in love with that poem and plan to keep it in my back pocket for future projects, possibly of my own!

I need your help

I've posted this on my blog once before but need to post it again one more time. Can you please click here and vote for our school? Long story short, the new school they built 7 years ago sunk into the ground and now the kids are going half days in trailors. They need all the funding they can get to help rebuild their school (building is condemned). If you can just take a second to vote (and even leave a comment on the bottom of that page to give some encouragement if you'd like) please do so. You register via your email address but you don't get spam mail. So please click here and vote for my old stomping grounds new school!

Weekend Chocolate Blow Out

Birthday parties thrown by my Greek friend, Alexandra, should be 100% off limits for anybody, especially me, who is trying to lose weight. Totally off limits. Greeks are known for feeding their guests to the maximum, and then giving them seconds 'to be sure', (according to her)(and when I say she's Greek, I mean she was actually born and lived in Greece for most of her adult life, not the "American Greek" where your great-great-great-great-great-grandparents-came-from-somewhere-there-but-we-still-hang-onto-the-old-stereotypical-outdated-no-longer-done-traditions-anyway-Greek). She's the real deal.

Oh where to begin where yesterday went wrong... was it the gigantic cookie tree I assembled (and tasted each kind, of course)? Should I start at the three tiered cake that I had a huge slice of (chocolate, with chocolate, with chocolate concluded with... chocolate of course!)? Would it be right to begin at the cream cheese and smoked salmon sandwich I ate? Was the beginning the fudge? or the truffle? or the shortbread Greek something or other that was studded with almonds and covered in powdered sugar? maybe it was the rolled up, baked, phyllo dough something that was delicious (and the plate was re-visited twice over)... who knows where to begin when there was so much food involved and it all went oh-so-totally-wrong?

But today is going so much better. I'm not letting yesterdays chocolate-fest-2010 derail or even discourage me. I could say "well you're never going to make your mini goal now" but you know what... I AM going to make that goal! Or at least I'm going to keep trying for it.

I'm not going to weigh in this week because I know seeing that number on the scale could be the deciding factor in pushing me over the edge but I will weigh in next week and I will try to stay on course this week and I will keep on keepin on!

Introductions are necessary: Meet the Parsnip

It is a beautiful day in Amsterdam today and I went for a 30 minute walk during my lunch hour. My tushy muscles are flinching in my seat right now but I feel really good! I also discovered that right up the road is a beautiful little street with a canal on one side and little houses on the other. I walked almost to the end but ran out of time and had to turn back. I’m going to have to start bringing my Ipod to work with me to help me pick up the pace a little. All in good time though.

I also had a wonderful roasted lunch today with sliced turkey, a small potato, parsnips and a little (tablespoon size) bit of dressing. It was like Thanksgiving in April in the Netherlands! (considering I had frozen pizza last turkey day - this was a treat).

Lets' get down and dirty with the parsnip, shall we? What in the world are they, you ask? Don't feel silly, I asked the same question or at least I used to ask, as I had never had one until a few months ago when I was accidently introduced to them at lunch. They were part of the "meal" deal so I took them and tried them and voila... a new favorite food! If you like sweet potatoes or carrots, I strongly recommend you try them. I’ve only ate them roasted so I’m not sure how/if you can have them raw but YUMMY YUMMY! Give 'em a go!

Naturally I assumed since I liked my new found parsnip so well that I would google “parsnip” to find out that they are about as healthy as a donut because that just how things go in the weight loss world, right? Well ADDED BONUS (insert sounds of bells, buzzers, diggy-things, a whooptie whistles here)… they’re really good for you! Directly from http://www.everynutrient.com/ :

Parsnips provide an excellent source of vitamin C, fiber, folic acid, pantothenic acid, copper, and manganese. They also offer a very good source of niacin, thiamine, magnesium, and potassium. They are a good source of riboflavin, folic acid, and vitamins B6 and E. Parsnips provide similar nutritional benefits as potatoes. Some significant differences are that parsnips are lower in calories and contain only about 50 percent of the protein and vitamin C content of potatoes.

However, parsnips do contain more fiber than potatoes. Even though both parsnips and potatoes provide good amounts of B vitamins, parsnips provide a much better source of folic acid.

Holy Cow! I'm going to go parsnip bananas here! Share your parsnip recipes w/ me and if you've never had a parsnip, leave a comment (so I don't feel like I've lived under a rock my whole life!)

For those who are also crawling out from under the rock and may want to purchase a parsnip today at the store, look for something like this:

Have a parsnippty good time trying it out!

I just realized this this morning, as I was on the scale, that I didn’t share a little mini-goal that I set recently with all of you. We’ve booked a vacation, 8 days in Lanzarote, one of the Canary Islands for May. It’s my first time going to any of the Canary Islands and it’s actually my first time on a relaxing, beach vacation! EVER! Goes to say, I’m pretty stinkin stoked! Our Bungalow/beach accommodations can be seen here but be forewarned, I cannot take responsibility for your reaction to what you’re about to see! You may drool, foam at the mouth, have slight heart palpitations or a number of other super duper jealousy related emotions that sometimes happen to people who aren’t going on vacation on an island off of the coast of Spain.


Back to the goal, so two weeks ago I made a mini goal that I would like to lose 5 kilos before the trip, May 20th. That’s about 11 pounds in 5 weeks, should I adhere to the 1-2 pounds a week rule, that should be just do-able.


As I mentioned previously, I was on the scale when this realization that I didn’t share my goal with you popped into my head and what I saw on the scale was pretty darned promising. As of this morning, I am proud to say that I only have 4 more kilos, 9 pounds to go to meet that mini goal! This is totally do-able and now that I’ve seen the first two pounds gone, it gives me that much more resolve to make it! It's a small, small step, but it's a step!


WOOHOO! Look our Lanzarote, here I come!

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if some wonderful person can tell me how to make my links open in another window, rather than taking you from this page, please feel free to share.

Where do brownies fit into my life?

Well yesterday one fit directly into my mouth. Not exactly my "plan" but not the end of the world either (although the dialogue in my head would tell you a different, bloodier, much more dramatic story ending with my head exploding into a million chocolate pieces while brownie batter drips from my neck stump where aforementioned head used to sit. Nicccccccce).

But where do brownies actually fit into my life? The answer may never truly be known. Am I a person who can have one brownie and leave it at that? Well, I did yesterday but it was a huge brownie (4 inch square probably an inch and a half thick) and I didn’t even think of getting a second. But that brownie yesterday can regurgitate itself at any moment, usually a moment of weakness, hours, days or weeks after I’ve eaten it. For instance, if I am back in the cafeteria and another brownie is sitting there, whispering my name seductively, will I say “Sarah, you had a brownie yesterday so that’s enough” or will I say “Sarah, you had a brownie yesterday so you may as well have another today”?

The obvious answer is choice number one, “I had one yesterday so of course that will hold me over” but I live in a real world (or at least it’s my reality), where I know I am not quite mentally stable with all-things-brownie (and sweet) related and I could very well talk myself out of passing it up and right back into the brownie driver’s seat. I can totally see myself saying “well you screwed up yesterday so what’s the point of trying”. And at that instant, that split second in time, that very wrong moment, that statement will actually make sense to me. When I talk about it now, not in a brownie trance, it seems silly, laughable even, but those moments of absolute craziness do happen to me, so what’s the best way to combat it?

If you’re expecting an answer here boy were you sadly mistaken. I don’t really know the answer or have some wise statement to make about how the brownie is really a reflection of ____ which can be interpreted as ____ or ____ which means I am _____, ______ and ______. My thoughts about brownies are the only thing leaving my mind _____. Yeah, I have some ideas about what I can do, what I should do, and how to defeat my sweet tooth monster but I’m not quite “there” with posting them at this second. I need to mill around a while. Let them swirl around in my head and maybe even test the waters. Then I’ll fill in the blanks for you (and for me!)

Enough about brownies! I didn't get to go on my lunch time walk yesterday (craptastic weather) but I am going to make up for it today. It's BEAUTIFUL out and I can't wait to get in the sun and get moving. I’m going to avoid the brownie section of the cafeteria because, well it just makes sense.

I hope you’re all having fantastic, healthy, successful weeks!

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edit: I DID go on a walk today at lunch for about 20-25 minutes and wow, am I out of shape. I can't believe I was up to running over a mile before and now I can hadrly walk without huffing anf puffing. It'll be easier tomorrow though. I remember what it was like when I first started running. At first I could only go a few feet (seriously, like 50 feet max) without having to stop but it was just a few days before I could go twice that far and so on. I'm pretty stoked.

Oh and I had a fabulous lunch of tomato bread with humous, shredded apple, shredded carrots, three dates and a couple slices of cheddar cheese with a banana and a diet coke.

One foot in front of the other, that's how you walk

And today I took a step in the very right direction! I found a partner at work who would like to spend lunch hours soaking up the sun (or rain, as we ARE in the Netherlands) and walking with me! I've been thinking that now that spring has sprung that, rather than wasting my lunch actually eating lunch, I could use that time to squeeeeeeeeeeeeze in some exercise and have a light lunch afterward. After all, I get an hour, rarely use but 20 minutes of that time actually "lunching" and then come back to my desk and sit.all.day.long.

I can't seem to find time or make time for exercise at home since my free time is usually spent running after a very active 20 month old (YEAH, she's 20 months already!!!!!!) or reading to her or giving her a bath, or trying to coax her into eating something, anything so this is the best alternative that I can come up with and now, I have a partner in crime!

She and I are going to start tomorrow! I just have to remember to pack my walking shoes! I'm on the right track... I can finally say that with a bit of confidence.

YAY!!!!!

I hope you're all having healthy, successful weeks!

How about an analogy to start off your Tuesday?

I’m feeling pretty positive right now even if the scale was a scary, scary site this morning. I’m still at 129 kilos, 284 pounds roughly which isn’t my all time high (thank God, right?) but it is where I have spent the largest chunk (pun totally intended there!) of my adult years.

So, why the positivity you wisely ask? Why in the world would you be even semi-happy that you are now 52 pounds heavier than you were at your lowest weight, back in good old 2007, before getting pg? What in the world do you have to be happy about?

Well I will tell you just that…

I’m making some “good” choices, some better choices and most importantly, I am making conscious choices. It’s pretty interesting, when you think about it, how you can actually go through an entire day and not make, what seems like, one single conscious decision. Everything is “yeah, okay” or “that sounds alright” or simply “whatever”. Is that really considered participating in what happens in your daily life?

I’m all for going with the flow. Taking it easy. Not getting all up in arms about everything but that’s not always the way to go about your life, your daily business, especially if you’re in the business of pushing off some of those unwanted pounds. Sometimes instead of going with the flow, you have to actually sit in the raft and paddle your arse off in the other direction of the flow, don’t you? (no need to answer that, it’s crystal clear).

I’ve been floating along for far too long now and it’s time that I start paddling. Hard. I’ve put on my life preserver (a really stylish bright orange one!) because you know, sometimes you fall off that raft and I don’t want to be one of those “missing persons” on the milk-jug-of-weight-loss-blog-life. I want you guys to be able to find me if I do, indeed, fall off this raft. So here I am, crawling back on, one more time. Let’s just hope I can stay afloat!

Not a complete 180 but it's a good 165 at least

I think I mentioned the problem I had with losing vision in my eye on here a few weeks ago. To make a long story short, they put me on calcium channel blockers (high blood pressure meds) to see if it would stop the blindness episodes, thinking it was a vascular spasm causing them. So I took the pills, even though I was pretty concerned about the low blood pressure factor that could happen, considering my blood pressure is always normal and I started reaping the “benefits” of all the side effects almost immediately. I was flushed in my face and so hot. I was tired, felt sick, dizzy and all the other fun stuff that comes along with the meds but I wanted to stick with it to see if it would help my eye sight. Well after a week of it I was so puffy and swollen that I couldn’t fit in my shoes and I had a hot flush-flash that lasted over 4 hours and some tingling in my face, I thought “maybe I should call”. (gee, ya think?)

They told me to immediately stop taking the medication and I will have a follow up phone call appointment on the 6th of April and of course monitor my eye sight in the meantime. It wasn’t 8 hours later that I was already feeling so much better. Not only better with the the hotness, red face and swelling but my overall mood improved. I feel better now than I have since starting the medication, emotionally and physically. I really think that played a big part in my tornadic and tumultuous feelings over the past week. Pretty amazing how your heart keeps your whole body and mentality in check, isn’t it?

So today, with no meds for 24 hours, I am feeling fantastic and in very good spirits. A lot of the swelling has gone down in my legs and feet and I could almost put my dress shoes back on this morning. I’m drinking tons of water to try to flush it all out but I think by next week I should be back to normal.

Thank you all for the sweet comments and emails and your general concern for my well being. I really appreciate it more than you probably realize. My blog readers are the best!

I want to wish you all a Happy Easter! May the bunny bless you wish lots of yummy chocolate (or a moderate, yet still healthy amount), good times with family (or the total avoidance of family for those who are related to lunatics) and plastic grass that will get stuck in your vacuum and live there for eternity!