i hope you know...

Hi everybody! I hope you all realize that my lack of blogging is due to being on vacation in the USA for the holidays. I've been updating Sadie's blog periodically but I hate using up my time here just to say "I ate too much of this" or "I know it wasn't healthy but it sure was good" a hundred times over. I did, however, buy an exercise video yesterday to take home with me so my mind is still on weight loss even if my actions aren't exactly what they "should" be right now. The video is from the Biggest Loser so how can you go wrong? I'm actually looking forward to getting home and popping it in.

We leave (sadly) on the 3rd after a 3 week long visit. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and hope you have an equally as happy New Years! We'll "talk" soon!

We had a car accident...

We got in a wreck yesterday on the way to a party for Sinterklaas. Everybody (Me, the baby, Marco's Dad and Mom) is okay. My back is the only one that seems to be sore.

We were on the highway and hit a traffic jam suddenly. Marco's Dad had to slam on the breaks to stop but we stopped soon enough. I immediately thought, I hope the car behind us can stop and WHAM! I didn't even hear screeching tires so I am sure she hit us full speed. It threw us into the next lane, thank God another car wasn't coming and he pulled over to the side. Sadie was screaming, obviously.

I jumped out of the car, crying and shaking, and picked Sadie up and she stopped crying immediately. The highway was busy and another car immediately pulled up in front of us and a guy jumped out, said he was a doctor and checked her out. She was laughing at him. He said she was fine. Fons, my father in law had already called 112 (our 911) and the ambulance showed up next. They also checked her and she was just cracking up at everybody.

We're getting a new carseat today because after a wreck you can't be sure there aren't cracks in the plastic or it's been weakened and I don't want to take any chances. We have to have one before Friday when we leave for vacation to the USA! YAY

I'll be back at work tomorrow, took today off as I knew I would be sore. I'm pumping up on ibuprophen. Oh and the car is totalled. Things could have been so much worse though. A car is a car... nothing can replace my baby.

Good news this morning. Another pound gone. I'm down to 123.5 kilos (multiply by 2.2 for pounds). I was pretty surprised considering Aunt Flo showed her ugly, unwanted mug which usually means I retain retain retain that water.

I was generally pretty proud of myself this week. Not a perfect week but I'm not striving for perfection right now, just a better balance. I made good choices for the most part especially when it came to snacking. I definately have a sweet tooth and didn't deny myself totally of sweets but the quantity I ate in comparison to in the past was much improved.

I have been craving ice cream this week which I induldged in every day during my pregnancy... okay sometimes twice a day. I haven't had any yet but I'm certain if I don't get some soon we're going to have a binge. I just won't buy a carton for the house, I'll go somewhere and get a cone, just enough to stave off my craving but not so much that I go crazy with it. Controling my environment is key here.

This week I want to concentrate on stopping the late night snacking. I know it's usally done out of boredom or habit and I need to make a conscious effort to quit that.

I hope you all have wonderful, successful healthy weeks!

p.s. I will be on a plane, on my way to the USA in just 10 teeny tiny short little days. WE CANNOT WAIT!

Survived Thanksgiving with hardly a scratch!

I must admit it is easier for me than most of my American readers as I have no access to over sized portions of stuffing, seconds or thirds on gravy laden potatoes, a buffet of Thanksgiving pies and desserts or leftovers for days but I did survive this Thanksgiving with hardly a pant to unbutton.

We went to Hard Rock Cafe this year for Thankgiving as they bosted about having this "traditional American Thanksgiving meal" which was traditional in the names of the foods, yes, but the making and tasting of the food, not so traditional. In their defense, I ate it all and it was pretty okay. They had a huge task to accomplish though if they thought they were going to out-cook my Mom's Thanksgiving meal. I'm sure many of the expats felt the same. Yes, it was turkey but it wasn't Mom's turkey. Yeah we had stuffing but it wasn't Mom's stuffing. They almost set themselves up for defeat if they thought they could outcook Momma Kelly's Thanksgiving meal. No way.

So yeah, I ate the whole meal though. We had a really nice time talking, eating and just being together with Jennifer, Danny and baby Quint, fellow American's fresh off the boat. They are really something that I am thankful for this year, to have found them and befriended them. They're really great people and Sadie just loves Quint.

I've been doing fairly decent with my eating. I'm making better choices with my meals at home. Snacking is a tough part but getting easier as I go. I'll be interested to see what the evil scale has to say this week.

On a super bright, break out the sunglasses note... The Weighin' in With my .02 family will be arriving in the USA in just a short 12 days. We're arriving on Dec. 12th and not leaving until January 3rd! I'm so looking forward to this nice long visit with family and friends. I hope we have time to see them all!

I remembered to weigh in.

Well I was a little over one pounds (.6 kilos) lighter on the scale this morning. Not phenominal... not even blog worthy really... but it is what it is so there it is. I do feel a lot better this week and my potato ankles are now down to more like boiled egg ankles. I'm chugging the water and haven't had another binge since the great pizza incident of 2008.

I sincerely appreciate all of the great comments and advice you all have been giving me. You have given some wonderful tips and really make me think about this whole process in a brighter light. I actually made a huge pot of veggie soup/stew on Sunday night and plan on making this a habit. I love veggie soup, it's cheap and it's easy to make a ton of it, it's filling and it's healthy. I just need to quit using boulion cubes and make my own stock to cut back on sodium but I only use one cube for a huge pot of soup so it's not really all that bad.

I had an ephinay this morning on my way to work as to why I have been feeling so down on myself. I have put a ton of pressure on myself to look fabulous and be back to my pre pregnancy weight before I go home to the US, which is in 17 days. Well that's obviously not going to happen but I have really been beating myself up about it. The last time I was home, a year and almost 8 months ago, I had just dropped 70+ pounds and felt wonderful about how I looked. I was looking forward to shopping, buying new clothes and showing off my newly found curves minus the lumps. Now I feel wonderful about the fact that I have a gorgeous baby but my body is not something I'm particularly happy with at this moment. I realize the baby is only 16 weeks old and I am not some Hollywood starlet with a team of personal trainers and tons of time on my hands who has to be back in size 0 in 48 hours. I need to back off a little and really gather some perspective of what I've just gone through, physically.

Overall... I will get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I won't be before Christmas... it may not even be before June... but I will get back there someday in 2009 and then I'll keep on trucking utnil I reach my 200 pound goal. I will be healthy again. I will exercise again. I will get back to it all... but just not all at once and just not all right now.

And breate out..

My binge and the typing out of my binge kind of stunned me silent. I don't really know what to think or what to say, really. I've just been living this week day by day and meal by meal.

I was given good advice by a loyal reader that this is diferent now, with a baby in the mix, and I may not be able to just do things the way I was doing them before I found out I was pregnant. I may need to prepare ahead of time a little more. So that's what I'm doing. Thanks Becklette.

I am giving myself a set breakfast to eat so then I am ensured at least one healthy meal a day that I don't have to think about. Luckily breakfast is easy for me as I like oatmeal. I make 1/2 cup (dry) it with 0% fat milk and add in cinnamon and a teaspoonful of brown sugar and I'm ready to face the day.

I have pinpointed a big problem that I'm going to have to get creative to fix. Now that I'm back to work I have a set time I have to eat lunch. Unfotunately it's at noon. I work until 5: 30 get home at 6 and when I get home I need to take care of the baby and get her to sleep. This puts my supper at about 7:30 or 8 o'clock in the evening. That's just way too long inbetween meals, it's too close to my bedtime, (which coincidentaly is about 8 o'clock nowdays) and leaves me starving and snacking uncontrollably.

Any suggestions on how to fix this? I need to have a heavy "snack" while at work, maybe around 4:30 to get me through until I get home and can eat supper but what should I eat? Currently 'm having a piece of fruit but that's not cutting it. Also, then I won't want (or shouldn't ) have as much supper... so just some protein and veggies for supper then?

I also need to get out of the mindset that supper HAS to be the "big meal" of the day.

I see that I need to cut back on carbs. Not cut out carbs but definately cut back. That's another "all in your head" thing that supper has to include meat, veggie, carb. That's how we always ate growing up but that doesn't mean it has to continue. There is nothing wrong with protien, veg and veg!

Geesh there is so much to re-learn and think about all over again. I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed because that leads to me being a deer in the refridgerator light, transfixed on food and unable to move any direction, especially forward.

Back into the saddle? Which saddle is the question.

So I weighed in this morning and wasn't really shocked with my results although I was disappointed in myself. I managed to gain a kilo or roughly 2 lbs. WTF, you may be saying... alas, it's true. I found myself in a pretty dark place near the end of my weigh in week that I haven't been in well over a year. I was binging and sabotaging myself. Again. What's really bad is I recognized it as I was doing it but still didn't stop myself. This is so similar to what I did before my friend Liz's wedding. As the event got closer and I knew I needed (or really wanted) to drop the weight the more I self sabotaged and binged. What scares me most about my binge yesterday (a ton of pizza for supper.. I'm talking probably 3/4 of a large pizza) is that I actually thought about making myself throw it up. I thought it multiple times but I didn't do it... but just that I thought it is scary in itself.

I also thought to myself, well as long as Sadie isn't seeing Mommy eat like this, it's not as bad. WTF. Who is this person? Where in the hell did the REAL me go in the past 9+ months while I was pregnant? Did I really slip THAT far away from where I used to be just a little over a year ago? I was doing so well not only physically but mentally. Granted I didn't think much about weight loss while I was pregnant or even up until now but did I really get back so far into my old habits so damned easily? I feel like such a poser.

Yeah, it would have been easier to come on here and not really type out what happened this week. Lord knows I'm not proud of it and actually I feel pretty ashamed of myself. I know better. I've lived better. I guess all I can do now is DO better. I'm going to pick up my book again, re-read my highlighted passages and really try to find out what the hell is going on with me. I can't lose this mental game with myself anymore. I have too much good in my life and too much is at stake here.

Started out with a bang...

and ended with a pppppffffffftttttt. My week started off really well and got progressivly worse and the days wore on. Not to always blame my poor little lambchop, Sadie, for my actions but little lamby hasn't slept well the past 4 days and it makes Mommy do things without thinking, like grabbing an unhealthy snack without thinking twice or surrendering to a quick (read: unhealthy) meal so she can slink into bed for a few hours (or minutes). I will say that even though the past couple days haven't been wonderful regarding my eating they still have been way better than they had been over the past few months.

My water intake has been pretty fabulous I must say. Unfortunately my ankles are still swollen and resemble little potatoes. I envy those women whose hormones go right back to where they should be after pregnancy. I honestly had no idea they would linger on as they have. Oh and the hair loss, that's lovely. I spend most of my day picking hair off of me or Sadie and after my shower...MY GOD! I've started wearing it pulled back all the time just to keep my shedding to a minimum and it's not a good look on me. Of course, neither is bald!

I'm going to try to remember to weigh in on Tuesday and report back on my progress.

Hope you are all having healthy, successful weeks!

Great blog post about exercise

A Girl Worth Losing wrote a great post about exercise and since I can't really brag about my stellar work outs these days I think the least I can do is link to the post here.

I was correct

Ugh! Blogger strikes again! Had a nice long one typed out and it ate it! Ugh. I may have to change my blog address this is getting to be a pain in the add and half of the functions don't even work! Grrrrrrr. anyway... here's the low down in a much shortened, less entertaining version.

My guestimation was correct. I weighed in at 124.6 kilos this morning. I did really well with my food and water intake yesterday and am off to a great start today. So two days down and a lifetime to go!

As predicted....

I forgot to get on the scale this morning. It was another rough night with the baby but I did remember I was going to weigh myself while I was in the shower. Once out of the shower I said "once I take the towel off my head I have to remember to weigh myself" and of course once I took the towel off of my head I put my cream in it, then brushed my teeth, then got dressed, then kissed the baby a million times... never did get on the damned scale. Maybe tomorrow.

Today I've already had a healthy breakfast of yogurt with rasins and a bit of granola and drank one full bottle of water. For lunch I had a ham and cheese toastie with some red pepper, cucumber and tomato slices and a little chunk of feta cheese. I'm working on my second bottle of water already.

I'm going to get plenty of exercise today hauling around these huge bags under my eyes! HAHAHA

All in all I'm off to a good start. Like my cousin Lissa suggested I need to make some small goals once again. I'll work on that this week. Of course the goal of losing between 1 and 2 pounds a week is long standing and still applies!

Yuck... a long road ahead of me

Geesh... I just estimated my weight so I could update my stats on the right and all I can say is yuck. I have a long long road ahead of me. I think I'm going to go back and re-read some of my first posts and try to remember that I did this once and I can do it again. I'm feeling extremely discouraged. Actually I don't think discouraged is the right word... it's more like...ugh, God I have to do this all over again when I was oh-so-close. How long is this going to take? Forever!

Cripes

I had a big long old post typed out last week and blogger ate it. Then I retyped a second slightly shorter version and once again blogger ate it. Why I don't copy the post before hitting "publish post" is beyond me but I was frustrated as hell and couldn't be bothered to type it all out again.

So here's the gist of it. I lost maybe 2 pounds but am unsure. I need to change my stats on the side there so I can keep proper track. If I can remember to weigh in tomorrow morning I will do that.

I am having a tough time, hormonally speaking, since Sadie's birth. I am retaining water horribly and have had two periods in 4 weeks, neither of which were fun. Last week was the first week that Marco and I worked opposite shifts and it was really a tough week for all of us. I didn't sleep well, didn't eat well and surely didn't exercise at all. Getting back into all of this is proving to be difficult. It's a bigger adjustment with the baby than I think I was expecting.

We've decided to buy a Wii Fit after the first of the year as our Christmas present to one another. It will be in January because we're spending Christmas in the US (YAY!) so won't be here to buy it in December. Have any of you used the Wii fit for some exercise successfully? I'd love to hear some stories if you have them.

I realize I need to get back to the basics and make myself a little goal or two to shoot for this week. So, this week I am going to try and drink more water. By "more water" I also mean less diet coke not just simply upping my liquids. I'm also going to try and eat a salad for either lunch or dinner at least 4 times this week. This shouldn't be to difficult considering I have the option for a salad every day at lunch. I am also going to eat baked fish or chicken at least 4 times this week.

Okay... so that's a start... let's see where we go from there.

Yuck

Well this week didn't quite go as planned. My alarm clock (a.k.a. Sadie) slept past 7 on Monday so I woke up and had to get ready for work on a frenzie totally not remembering my weigh in. We're still trying to find a "routine" so I didn't remember to step on the scale until this morning and what a great way to start out your day (said with a huge amount of sarcasm... I mean the sarcasm is just dripping off that statement...oooozing if you will). I have 40 pounds to lose before I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight. 40 pounds! Ugh!

I'm quite disappointed in that number but nothing I can do about it now but face it head on and get cracking! So here I go... again!

Tomorrow is the big day

Well tomorrow is my first day back to work since being on maternity leave back in July. I'm having mixed emotions about it. I'm glad to be back to work, in contact with other humans and being productive but on the other hand I am sure going to miss Sadie terribly all day long. At least I am only going back 4 days a week for the first year or so.

I'm also going to try and remember to step on the scale first thing in the morning to get a proper "start" weight and know where I stand as far as getting back down to my pre pregnancy weight. I'm sure it's not good as I've tended to eat whatever was around and quick to grab and scarf down while I had time. I think every new mom has probably done that. Taking time for yourself, including eating healthy, sometimes goes by the wayside. What I have to remember is when I started this whole thing I figured out that most time it didn't take any more time to cook and eat healthy than it did to make something unhealthy. No excuses!

Fingers crossed for my first week back to work and back on the weight loss track. Wish me luck!

My "new project"

If this is going to be a weight loss blog (which it is) then that means I have to create another way to share Sadie's cuteness with the world. So that's what I've been working on today.

Check her out and bookmark her at:
www.ohsosadie.blogspot.com

Readers.. I need your help...

Hi everybody! On top of being a new Mom, getting ready to head back to work on Monday (ugh), being a wife and just trying to find time to pee and shower, I'm also trying to get together a writing portfolio. I've never been published so I'm having to pick personal writings including some from this here blog-o-mine. So this is where YOU come in. If you have a favorite post or a post that stuck in your mind or one that you thought was particularly well written please let me know by either leaving a comment or sending me a quick email (given on the right hand side of the screen). If you can't remember the exact post and don't have time to sift through the archives just give me a clue as to what it was about. I know that nothing I've written lately is really up to snuff with anything I'd want to show in a portfolio so you may have to really think hard for this one. Please, I know you are all really busy but take just a few minutes out of your schedule to help a girl out, will ya? Thanks guys!

Oh yeah, the weight loss... it's moving a long... well sort of. I haven't officially weighed in but think that next week when I am back to work will be a great starting point for it all.

And of course, here are some more pictures of the love of my life, my daughter, all 63 centimeters (24.8 inches) of her:

Here's the dive leopard pants and matching shirt that Aunt Liz and Uncle Greg gave her. So cute!

Here is the first smile we were able to catch on camera:Here is a big HORRAY for getting her diaper changed!

Busy Bee!

I appologize for my lack of blogging. Sadie isn't sleeping well during the day and I hardly have a free second to think. I'll be back just as soon as I can juggle things better.

Good news in the weight loss world!

I got the okay from my midwife today to start back up with light exercising and go from there! WOOHOO! So tomorrow, if I can remember will be my first weigh in. We'll see what the damage is then and devise a plan from there. My mini goal is to be at my pre pregnancy weight by time I am in the US at Christmas but we'll have to see how lofty and healthy of a goal that really is. I'm pretty excited to get back in the swing of things. Woohoo!

In the meantime I took some more pictures of my little Sadie Marie. Here she is with her two Hello Kitty friends at 7 weeks and 3 days old (she got two gifts from Build A Bear workshop and both ended up being Hello Kitty dolls! How odd is that!). Notice she is sporting her first pair of baby blue jeans!

And here she is taking a little snooze on the couch next to Mommy. (she only belly sleeps while being supervised, don't freak out!).

So sad.

She's gone. My Mom left this morning. I'm really sad and so is Marco and Sadie. I find solace in knowing I'm going to the US in just 11 weeks for 3 weeks of vacation and my best friend Liz is coming to visit in just a few days. Still... I miss my Momma already.

Fun with Mom!

I had an excellant birthday! Thank you all for your wellwishes. Besides spending time with my family we had dinner at my favorite restaurant The Taco Shop (on Tollstraat 100 in Oud Zuid in Amsterdam for those Holland readers). It's honestly the best Tex-mex I've ever eaten in the US or in Holland. It's just fabulous! The place is the size of an American walk in closet but the food that comes out of it is absolutely fantastic. Here is a picture of my Mom and the owner, Logan (in the window) and another guy I don't know (in the far back).

The Taco Shop is decorated with licese plates from the US and just a mix match of other signs, posters, etc. ARAHSA 5 is my old Illinois plates. All of the "Sarah" plates were taken so being oh-so-creative I thought I'd put my name in Pig Latin and 5 is my favorite number. Pretty brilliant huh?

We went to Zaanse Schaans where you can go up in the windmills, see cheese being made, watch wooden shoes be carved, shop in all the little shops, eat Dutch pancakes and just be tourists. It's like a little city. It's one of my favorite places to visit and we had a blast.

I also wanted to show my Mom my office so she could see where I worked and meet my colleagues. Of course we took some fun pictures while we were there.

Oh Mr. Bean!

You can really see the love here.

The other pictures are on my Mom's camera but they only got better than these two! Hopefully I'll be able to share sometime soon!

Happy Birthday to me!

I turn a ripe old 32 today! So happy birthday to me, and what a happy birthday it is. It's the first birthday I've spent with my mom since '03 and we've had a blast. Plus it's my first bday as a new Mommy and birthdays with Marco are always special. I am an extremely lucky woman!

Also, happy birthday Lissa and Happy Anniversary Keith and Josh! Hope you all have wonderful days!

1st time for everthing...

Since it's my Mom's first visit to the Netherlands and we are from "super small town Illinois" she is experiencing a lot of things for the first time. I'll share some pictures as we take them.

Here we are meeting in the airport. We had a sign that said "Grandma Kelly! It's me... Sadie!" with a welcome helium balloon. Here's the shot we took after finally finding my Mom in the airport (she got lost, long story):

Here is my Mom's first ride on the tram with Marco and Sadie:

We've decided that nobody wants to see pictures of you standing like a statue in front of stuff so we'v decided every picture will be us standing in front of stuff making asses out of ourselves. It seems to work for us. Here we are in front of the Rijk Museum where Rembrants works are displayed. (the one of us on the canal by the weeping willow tree and we're weeping is great!)

And of course, the star of the show... little Miss Sadie!

Having a great time!

My Mom is here and we're having a great time. She did sleep 17 hours the first night here from being so exhausted from traveling but now she's refreshed and ready to go! We're taking it easy and just doing a little something every day. Yesterday we went to our favorite park in the early afternoon and just walked around with the dog and she got to see her first windmill close up and personal. Of course we forgot the camera at home so we're going to have to go back! We shared some Belgian beers over dinner last night and plan on going to my friend Alexandra's house over the weekend.

She's totally in love with Sadie (as expected) and I'm pretty sure Sadie's loving having Grandma hold her all day long.

What's funny is that I guess I've been here so long that I forget some of the things that are unusual for her, like huge extended busses, trams, the World Trade Center, fishmarkets, open markets, windmills, all the bikers, mini cars etc. so when we're riding around I forget to point things out to her. I'm going to have to make a better effort to look at the city like I'm here for the first time!

I'll share some pictures as soon as we remember to take them!

I cannot freaking wait!!!!!

That's me and my Mom, April 2007 when Marco and I were 'home' for my brother's wedding. That was the last time we were together, in the flesh. And now it's September 2008 and we're about to be this close once again:

Yep, that's right... my Mom is on her way over to see us! She leaves on Monday evening from St. Louis and will arrive here... in Amsterdam...in the Netherlands... where I am... where I live... where she's never been...and my Mom is going to be here!!! Right here in the very house where I write this very blog entry from! I cannot believe it! And I cannot wait to see her face at the airport! And I cannot wait to see her meet Sadie for the first time. And I cannot wait to see her reaction to all of the different things in Holland. And I cannot wait to wake up and have coffee with her and Marco and Sadie and just be able to go over and give her a hug any time I want to. And I can't wait to sit with her on the couch with my daughter and make silly faces and crazy noise to make Sadie laugh and laugh with her. I just cannot wait!

My Dad doesn't know what he's going to be missing!

Did I mention that I cannot wait! Is it Tuesday yet?!?!?? (although this last sentence is true, it's also a little inside joke put out there just for Keith and Josh. mwah!)

Remember Dr. Asshat from last weeks appointment?

How could you forget him right? (well I know I couldn't forget him) He was the one who tried making me second guess my mothering instincts, put Sadie on a feeding schedule and was just an all around asshat. We had our follow up appointment with him today and it was like he was a whole different doctor. He was totally supportive of our switching Sadies formula to the most gentlest formula. He actually TOLD me to continue to listen to my mothering instincts as it was "obviously" working for us... really, "obviously?" because last week it was quite apparent that you felt my instincts were questionable in the least. He seriously did a complete 180 on us, which is fine but just a bit odd. He no longer thinks Sadie has colic (really, no shit? because that's what I was saying last week. I guess I don't have a PHD though). This week the family left with smiles on their faces, last week I was in tears... well whatever.

So the good news is she has gained her required 150 grams! Her cheeks are chubbier. Her little thighs are chubbier. Her little belly is chubbier. I'm just thrilled! We don't have to go back for another 3 weeks! We've started her on the new formula last night (its the gentlest they make, you have to buy is special at the pharmacy and it's expensive as hell, but our insurance may cover it) as she is still having plenty of gas cramps that leave her screaming and clawing in pain so hopefully this will resolve itself in the next few days. She's fighting sleep this week for some reason, maybe it's a growth spurt but whatever it is, it's keeping her awake all but about 3-4 hours every day.

So that's the update! Grandma Kelly is going to be here in just 6 days and we are so excited!!! Now that I'm not pumping anymore (my milk is just about dried up, that didn't take long) I realize I don't update as often but I'll try to do better and keep you all posted. My post patrum bleeding is also almost finished so I'll be back on the weight loss wagon before you know it! Now that I don't have breastfeeding to help me I'm going to have to work even harder but hey, I know all about hard work to lose weight!

Hope you all are having great weeks!

Somethings are made easier with parenthood

Today we celebrated Marco's Dad's birthday. Every year we shop around looking for something to buy him as a gift and every year it's sheer torture. We shop and shop and shop and shop and everything just seems so lame. A person can only get so excited about scratch off lottery tickets, right?

So this year, now that Sadie is here, the gift giving was easy... what more could a grandparent want but a framed picture of their new grandaughter in her pretty new dress. So here is the picture we framed for Opa Fons.


And as suspected... he loved it! My Mom also got a Sadie related gift her her birthday... a T-shirt with Sadie's picture and underneath it said "I'm Grandma Kelly's #12". Ahhhh, a little relief from racking our brains trying to think of a gift! Thank God Grandparents are easy to please. Whew!

While we were taking the above photo we also took the below shot. How cute is she chewing on her fingers? She looks so tiny amongst all of the stuffed animals.

She turned one month old today. Wow! She is eating so much better now and her little cheeks are becoming chubbier. Things are going so much better for all of us... she's starting to smile (although we haven't been able to capture it on camera yet) when I tickle her cheeks and chin. She's spending more time awake. She's turning her head to the sound of our voices and following object with her eyes. She's just being her amazing little self. We're truly one little happy family!

Happy Days and one bad one...

Let's sart with the bad one... it was Sadies follow up appointment on Wednesday... So I don't have to type it all over I'll just copy and paste the heated email I sent to my Mom and sister to tell her how the appointment went:

"Well it didn't go very well. She didn't gain enough, only 40 grams and she should have gained 150-ish to be on the safe side. We have to go back next week. The doctor (who I liked) had to consult with another another doctor and he came in to talk to us and I pretty much hated him. He was a complete ass and tried making me feel like I didn't know my baby at all. Kept saying how she is just crying, when in fact, no, she wasn't just crying, she was screaming. I know the difference (and so did the first doctor). He also said it was probably a coincidence that the crying (no, not crying, screaming ,dickhead) stopped at the same time that we switched her to formula because only 2% of babies actually have a dairy allergy. Well to me that's a really huge coincidence that as soon as I swicthed her off of my milk she hasn't had one single fit since. Not one!

Then he critisized how often we're feeding her (when she wakes up crying and is rooting for the bottle and won't be consoled any other way) because we should only be feeding her every 3 hours so then she is hungry enough to eat 100 ml. Okay, then what am I supposed to do the 1/2 hour to an hour before the 3 hour time limit is up while she is screaming her head off. You know what he asked me? How do you know she's hungry? Well, fucko, how does any other mother know their baby is hungry? He said, well babies can't tell you what they're crying for so she could be crying for anything not necessarily hunger. Okay, so now I don't even know enough to know when to feed my baby! Apparently 3 hours is a magic fucking number that works for all babies and you shouldn't deviate from that "schedule" because it doesn't make her numbers add up at the end of the day.

You know, I'm all for wanting her to gain weight and be healthy but don't fucking feed me a bunch of bullshit reasons why she's not gaining just because YOU don't know why she isn't gaining. And don't try to make me second guess my mother instincts when you've done nothing but look at her chart for 3 minutes, dickhead."

Yes, I was sightly livid after the appointment. As if you don't second guess everything the way it is when you're a new mom (and dad) like you really need some doctor asking you things like "how do you KNOW it's hunger". Well how do you KNOW it's not? Thank God I can openly vent to my Mom and sister... well and just about anybody else who will listen. Since writing this email on Wednesday we've continued to feed her on demand, regardless of what Dr. Asshat suggested. Yesterday she drank 665 ml's so over 3 oz more than our "target" of 600! We were thrilled. She's also well on her way to drinking over 600 again today.

The only problems we're really having now is with cramps and pooping. She'll scream in pain for about an hour every evening and you can feel her pushing and pushing her legs against my hans. Then an hour later she'll poop a load after a lot of grunting. This, I realize, is normal for a baby this young as their bodies are just learning how to function but I'm still going to ask if there is anything else we can do (besides belly massage, warm baths, bicycling her legs, gas drops etc.) to help her out some.

Otherwise the days have been glorious since switching her to formula! She is such a happier, content baby now. She's staying awake a lot longer in the days and her eyes are focusing more. We're playing daily on her playmat and singing lots of songs. She loves the bath, dislikes getting dressed and sleeps like a champ. She loves to go out in her stroller and walk around the neighborhood. She lays there wide eyed, taking in all of the sounds around her. She's not a huge fan of the carseat but once we're in the car she does pretty good. Like Mommy, she loves to shop! Well okay, I may be making that part up but we've done a lot of shopping! I'm working on drying up my milk supply and that's going pretty okay too.

Ahhh the baby is stirring so I must cut it short!

Here's some more pictures to tide you over until next time!

In the carseat that she's not too fond of:

Sportting her new mittens to keep her hands warm and keep her from scratching her little face. Look close you can see my porn star cleavage! Hubba Hubba! LOL

update on breastfeeding issues.

Saturday was spent with Sadie howling in pain for over 7 hours total. It would start during the feedings, 30 ml (1 oz) into it and just continue until she passed out from exhaustion. This has been going on for weeks now and I was really frazzled. When Marco got home from work and she screamed for another 3 hours we knew we had to do something or else have a nervous breakdown. We decided it was time to switch to hypoallergenic formula and see if it helped. So Saturday nigth we began. We realized it may take up to 2 weeks for her little tummy and intestines to heal and see a big difference.

By Sunday afternoon she was an entirely new baby. She didn't scream through one single feeding and still hasn't. She's eaten more today by 9a.m. than she has in the past week by 3 or 4 in the afternoon. She's seriously sucking this stuff down like we've never fed her before.

It's such a relief to not have her be in pain anymore. Yes, I wanted to breastfeed (which I wasn't anyway because she wouldn't latch but still feeding breast milk) but what I want more is a happy, healthy baby who is gaining weight and eating and now, that's what I have. Granted this 1.5 day span of no screaming could be a fluke that just happens to coincide with us switching her to formula but I am crossin my fingers that it's not.

I am still pumping and plan on pumping until we've tried this formula for 1 to 2 weeks and are sure this is the "cure". I am freezing all of my milk and plan on donating it should we not need it in the end.

And here is a picture of our happy camper from yesterday.

better news today

Well we took her to the doctor again today and since her eating wasnt much inproved he sent us to the peditrician at the hospital. He mentioned that they may want to keep her in the hospital for a couple nights so they can closely observe her which naturally freaked us out.

So we went to the hospital and met the pedi. She was nice. She went over what we'd been doing with her, how much she'd been eating, how she was acting when she was screaming, etc. We had logged everything she had done for the past 4 days so we had references. She agreed that she was eating too little but once I explained how once Sadie started farting etc the eating went better she saw in the book how her eating improved.

She consulted with the head of the department who then came in to talk to us. In the meantime they weighed and measured her and she was 56 cm (22.04 inches) long (but was wiggling like crazy so may not be exactly accurate) and had gained 80 grams (2.8 ounces) in 2 days so that was really positive.

The head of the department came in and said they were teetering on what to do. Yes, it could be that she has an intestinal problem especially with all of the screaming but it could also just be that she is at the lower end of the spectrum for gaining and since it's such a large sliding scale of what is "supposed" to happen that it could just be nothing but that still doesn't explain the screaming from intestine pain. They think she is too young to be displaying signs of an allergy to dairy but said if things continue this way until next week I should try the whole elimination of dairy from my diet to see if that's what's upsetting her tummy. They decided not to keep her for observation but to monitor her closely, meaning we have a phone consultation on Monday and they want to see her and weigh her again on Wednesday. Should anything go terribly wrong in the meantime we could of course call.

While we were there Sadie was hungry so of course we fed her and naturally, when you want the child to show the doctor how she howls after 30 mls of drinking she behaves like you are a crazy parent who likes to make shit up for attention. She was an absolute angel and didn't make a peep. But in her defense, after tooting a lot yesterday afternoon she was very calm all eveing and even through the night so it wasn't a big surprise she was calm with the doctor. She's like a whole different baby today. It may be the drops we've been giving her with each feeding or maybe she's just passed enough gas that the pain is no longer there or significant. Let's hope so.

So that's that. We're just going to see how it goes and hope for the best. I really feel beter that they are taking our concerns seriously as I feared (just a little) they would blow us off thinking we were just overly cautious new parents, which of course would then piss me off beyond belief and I would have had to have gone ape shit on them. HAHA

Not the best news

We took Sadie in to be weighed on Tuesday and she hadn't gained any weight at all this week. She's "ideally" supposed to be gaining an ounce a day right now. I made an appointment with the lactation consultant for the following day because she wasn't in at the time we were there.

We're also having other "issues" with Sadie. She's screaming during and after feedings, having problems pooping (she's screaming and pushing against me but not pooping, but she does poop once a day or every other day but she's obviously in pain) and feeding issues, as in she isn't eating enough (hence the no gain in weight, if only her mother had that problem!).

She's supposed to be taking at up to and closer to least 600 ml a day (20 oz) and let's see... Monday she ate less than 400 ml (13 oz) all day long (this was the worst day, she was crying so hard from her bowels and was inconsolable, this started Saturdaynight and continued until Monday when she finally pooped). After she pooped (3 times finally) on Tuesday she ate much better but still didn't make the 600 ml mark. Yesterday she was eating much better but still nowhere near where she needs to be and the gas pains started again yesterday.

She's bottle fed expressed breast milk only. We offer her as much as she wants every time she wakes/cries. Her problem is she falls asleep no matter how hard we try to keep her awake.

The lactation consultant heard what I was saying and suggested I take Sadie to the doctors just to be sure nothing was seriously wrong. So I made an appointment and went in at 4.

The Dr. said she looks great, looks healthy but is still concerned about her lack of weight gain this week (she stayed the same as last week) and how little she is eating compared to what she 'should' be eating, ideally. We're to continue tracking her food intake until Friday and come back then. If he's not happy with her progress then he'll refer us to a peditrician. You can't see a pedi here without a referal, all kids go to the family Dr. We'll also talk more about her screaming then. I honestly hope he just refers us. I need a peace of mind that she is okay and we're doing what's best for her.

After this morning Marco and I decided to try giving Sadie hypoalergenic formula at her feedings to see if it makes a big difference in her screeching half way through. Yesterday and this morning have already been too much with her screaming for hours solid. She is screaming until she passes out and is just inconsolable. Of course then she isn't eating because she's in pain and/or passed out. We've been so leery of giving formula but we're desperate. I have a feeling it's my milk that is giving her pains, causing her so much discomfort. Possibly she is allergic to it or one of the componets in it, such as dairy. As we're having latch issues as well it will take me days to try the "cut out this food group and see if it improves" method from my diet as I have a stock of milk in the fridge and wouldn't be able to pump enough to keep up with her supply.

I am trying not to let myself feel guilty for giving formula. I have really worked hard to establish a supply, try and get her to latch and feed her breastmilk as it's what is best for her but right now we have to try something different. I feel like I've done as much as I can do. This stress isn't good for me or the baby or Marco for that matter. I just want her to not be in pain and to grow big and strong. If that means not being able to breastfeed then so be it. I need a healthy happy baby.

***************************************
A little update. We tried the formula and she screamed 30 ml into it just like she does with the breastmilk so I guess that's not what is causing her to react that way with the feedings. That makes me feel a little better. I'm going to discuss reflux with the doctor again tomorrow although she not showing many of the symptoms at all, just the screaming.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement. What is happening with her though is beyond crying to release energy, she is screaming, red faced, can't breathe for hours at a time.

Also, I won't let myself feel overly guilty for not breastfeeding. Her health comes first beyond everything and I know I have tried everything in my power to make it work so if it doesn't it just doesn't. Thanks again for the encouragement! It does help a lot.

Cute-ness personified

WOOHOO!

We booked our flights to the USA! YAY! We will be arriving on December 12th and staying until January 3rd. YAY! We haven't been "home" since April of '07 so we're very ready for it. It will be Marco's first Christmas - American Style and the first time I've been home for the holidays since 2003. And of course it will be the first time most of my family (well all of my family excluding my mom) will meet Sadie!

Oh and even better (or equally as good) and my Mom is arriving here on September 9th (leaves the US the 8th) to stay for 10 days! It's her first trip here and she's the first in my family to come over since I moved in 2004. I cannot wait! Then after she leaves my best friend since childhood, Liz, is coming over for 5 days. It's her first time here too! YAY!

So much to look forward to. YAY! YAY! YAY!

Breastfeeding: It's natural!

Breastfeedng: It's natural. I loath when people say that. Not that there is anything unnatural about breastfeeding but that statement makes it seem like "oh it will be a walk in the park, you and your baby will know exactly what do to and it'll be just this wonderful super great bonding experience for everybody." What a crock of shit. Thankfully I already knew before Sadie was born that breastfeeding could be difficult and was somewhat prepared for a rough ride although I don't think I could have ever prepared for it to be this rough.

She hasn't latched on to the breast in well over a week. In fact when I even get her in any sort of position to lacth on she is already pissed off and screaming as if I am feeding her razor blades. This makes feeding time less than fun and a bit stressful for both mommy and baby.

Finally I was able to get into see a Lactation Consltant. Let me tell you, she was so helpful. I wish I would have known to make an appointment from the first time we started having problems. It would have helped us tons more than the midwife and kraamzorg (in home nurse type person) ever could have. It ends up both the midwife and kraamzorg were getting us all worked up and upset over nothing, jumping the panic gun for just simple, typical latch problems.

The L.C. said my breasts are fine (the other two, midwife and kraamzorg, said my nipples were't "right" one was inverted or flat, blaming that for Sadie not latching) and she also said there is no problem with Sadie's pallet or tongue. The other two also said it was probably her tongue that was causing the latch problems.

She also said that it was rediculous for us to be waking Sadie through the night for feedings as they had us waking her every 3 hours no matter what with only one 5 hour stretch allowed per night. As you can imagine that was tiring and it just made the baby mad. Her weight is fine and actually she gained 2 oz in 4 days which is above the average and she is weighing perfectly fine for her age. The midwife and kramzorg had us on a strict schedule of feeing every 3 hours no matter what and very specific amounts. Really, sometimes it felt like we were force feeding her trying to make sure to make the "quota" they wanted. As soon as those two women left Marco and I decided we should go with our guts We stopped this "schedule" as soon as they left because we know she will wake when she's hungry, it's what babies do!

The L.C. also told me to stop pumping every two hours. Fine with me!. She suggested I spread it out to three hours during the day and not to wake up through the night to pump. For the last 4 or 5 days I had been pumping every 2 hours around the clock which of course takes its toll on you after a while.

She was impressed that I pumped enough to not have to give Sadie any formula, which was important to me. Not the formula is the devil but I would just rather not give it if I could help it. If Sadie would have ever been in "danger" or losing weight of course I would have fed her formula.

The L.C. suggested I only try having Sadie latch on two or three times a day as currently we are trying every single time she feeds which is making feeding awful and stressful for both her and I. She also said it was perfectly fine for me to feed her from the bottle where as the other two said only Marco should be giving her the bottle, so I haven't even gotten to feed her days.

She really made me feel comfortable and Marco really liked her too. She gave me confidence that my motherly instincts were pretty much on target but you know, when you have two "professionals" telling you to do things this way or that way, it's really hard to say "you know, thanks for your input and I know you have 30+ years expereince but my 14 day stint in motherhood tells me I should do it this way."

She said Sadie has a mind of her own and is strong willed which is what is probably causing the problems with her latching onto the breast. She's impatient if she doesn't "get it right" the first time. We just have to keep trying every day until we get it, which is no problem. I will continue to pump and feed her expressed breat milk until we get it down. I already feel so much more relaxed with the schedule she set up for us which is a huge load off. I'm managing to get some sleep. Marco is sleeping. Sadie is content and healthy. Let's hope in the next few days or weeks she will start latching and I can put my pump on the shelf for the time being.

There is work to do

So I started this blog to track my weight loss and although I've been on a hiatus from losing weight for the past nine months I still have those same goals that I still want to reach. 200 pounds is still within my grasp although now my timeline is shot to hell. So here is the low down on my pre-pregnancy, pregnancy and aftermath numbers.

The day I got my positve pregnancy test I weighed in at 105.6 kilos or 232 pounds. That was 69 pounds down from my starting weight of 301.

Nine months later, I weighed back in at 129 kilos or 283 pounds, so I gained 23.4 kilos or 51 pounds during my pregnancy with Sadie. Quite a bit off from my goal of gaining between 25 and 30 pounds total, eh? Ah well.

As of 7 days post partum I had dropped 15 kilos or 33 pounds. Not bad, not bad at all. That leaves me with 10 kilos or 22 pounds to lose at just 12 days post partum. (although i see now that doesn't add up to 51 but with the kilo/pound change and rounding up/down and estimating, it's close-a-damn-'nough)

I don't yet have a plan of action. Hell, I'm still trying to get rid of the 'rhoids (2 are gone, the other 3 are no longer snowglobe sized but more like grape size which is way way better!). You're supposed to eat 500 calories more while breastfeeding but I can barely find time to eat, let alone track calories. I do snack when I can and although meals take on a whole different meaning now, I do try to eat 3 healthy ones a day with 3 to 5 healthy snacks in between. (meals now are more like take a couple bites, go mess with the baby, eat a few bites more, throw laundry in dryer, walk past you meal and remember oh yeah, I was eating, take a few more bites and get distracted again.) I actually am finding it much easier to eat healthy (healthier) NOW than I ever have. The fact that what I put into my mouth effects my child is a very strong push to make healthy choices.

So I don't have a timeline right now. I don't know when I'll be able to get back to exercising but the food issues are going well for now. 22 pounds is definately do-able to get back to where I began and then it's off to reaching my 200 pound goal. So, there is definately work to do.

My birth story

So I have a free half a second so I thought I'd finally write my birth story out since some of you wanted to hear it, the good the bad and the ugly. Just a warning, it will be full of a lot of TMI info so if you're queasy or just don't feel like hearing about my private parts then you can skip this post. For those who want to read all about my privates... carry on brave one!

At 3:00 AM on July 31st I began having contractions. They were fairly strong and coming every 7-10 minutes. Woohoo! I was in labor. I woke Marco to let him know and of course I couldn't go back to sleep although I did stay in bed to "rest" as much as possible. Well they hadn't changed in length or strength by 8 so Marco decided to go to work and I could call him should something progress. After he left I decided to get up and walk around to see if I could get things going some more and by 8:30 (and after calling my Mom to get her all excited) the contractions stopped.
I thought I should probably try to sleep since it could happen "any time" now. Well sleep just never happened. For various reasons I couldn't sleep that morning. I finally laid down at 3:30 in the afternoon and no sooner did I lay down did the contractions start again. Again they were 7-10 minutes apart so couldn't call the midwife yet. The rule here is that you can call her once your contractions are 4-5 minutes apart and lasting 40 seconds to 1 minute long for two hours. The rest of the time you must just labor at home on your own.

I laid and contracted until 8:30 when I got up and once again the contractions stopped. I called the midwife because I was so confused as to what I was supposed to do. Do I lay there and contract and never get anywhere or should I stay upright and make them stop. She said that until they were 4-5 minutes apart while up and around I wasn't considered in "real" labor. She also said that it would be getting dark any time now and my daytime hormones would subside and my evening hormones would take over and to then I would probably go it true labor. I had never in a million years ever heard of that, daytime and nighttime hormones, so I was leery to say the least.

Alas the sun set around 10-ish and right on schedule a bit before 12 on came the contractions. Real ones. They were exactly as they were supposed to be, so 40 seconds to 1 minute long (actually some were 1 minute 20 seconds long) and anywhere from 1 to 5 minutes apart. I labored standing up the entire time because when I laid on the bed the contractions were stronger but inconsistent. These contractions were already hurting by time 2 hours of them rolled around and I was having to breathe through them. When we hit the 2 hour mark Marco called the midwife and took Scooter, our dog, down to his parents house as we were on our way! I called my mom while he was gone to tell her it was the real deal this time and already on the phone I was doubting my abilities to do this. The contractions were painful and I wasn't breathing through them properly. Good ole Mom to the rescue talked me through the next 4 contractions, telling me how to breath and reminding me how we did with my sister when we coached her through two of her births. You know, there is just nothing like talking to your Mom to calm you down and give you confidence. Thank God for her. I was also thinking of my Great Grandma Francis, my Great Grandpa Doc and my Grandma De who have all passed away. I was praying for them to help me through. I knew they were there with me, which sounds kind of odd but I knew they were.

The midwife showed up about 5 minutes after calling and checked me. I was dilated to 3-4 so she called the birthing center and let them know we were on our way for our water birth.

We got to the birthing center (which is connected to a hospital) and checked in at 3am. The pool was filling up and I changed into nakedness and my swimsuit top. Yes, it was bizarre but I just didn't feel like being totally exposed even though soon enough many people would be looking at my who-ha, I just felt like being modest.

I was soooo looking forward to the nice warm bath and the relief it was going to give me from the contractions. It was also to speed up the process of dilating which means speeding up the process of holding Sadie in our arms. I climbed into the tub and prepared for my first contraction in water. I was more than disappointed when it came and it felt the same as when I was out of the water. In fact, my contractions slowed while I was in the tub. They also hurt just as bad as when I was in the bed or standing and there was no position I could get comfy in to breathe through them. Within 10 contractions I had already changed my mind and decided that the water just wasn't going to work for me.

I climbed out, took my wet clothes off and changed into my tank top. The midwife went to lay down in another room (as did the two other nurses) as Marco and I requested to be alone while I labored and dilated. They came in and checked on us periodically and brought me water and ice chips (and offered food for both of us). I tried laboring on the bed but again the contractions were too strong and slower so I stood up once again. In the end I think I stood up for at least 18-20 hours of my labor. My legs were like jello by the end. When a contraction would come I would lean on the bed and Marco would stand behind me and push down on my lower back or hips depending on where I shouted my orders.

I have no concept of how long I labored this way, Marco seems to think it was until 7a.m.. I will say that time seemed to pass quickly and by time the midwife came in again I was dilated to an 7 but my water had not broken yet. They decided to try and break my waters to see if it would help me dilate the rest of the way.

The next hours are a bit of a blur for me. After my water was broken contractions came even harder and I was literally screaming through each one of them. Everybody in that birthing center knew I was in labor. Hell, everybody in the neighborhood knew I was in labor. I also began puking... around 6 times. The midwife came back and humorously said "well by the sounds of your screams I think you're probably at a 10 or close to it." She checked me again and she was right, I was a 10 all the way around except for on one side where I didn't dilate fully and had a 2 cm lip left. The next hour of contractions were spent with her hands inside me trying to get that little bit of lip left to disappear. Let me tell you, contractions suck ass but contractions with somebody poking around inside you suck dirty ass that hasn't been cleaned in weeks. It was horrible. Again, I screamed through every contraction. I also clutched a paper type bedpan thingy and squeezed the hell out of it with every contraction. It would have been nice to have something in my hands to squeeze that would have held up better.

At this time I was begging for somebody to help me. I was in tears. I was desperate. I couldn't do it anymore. I just knew I couldn't do it. I screamed through each contraction, tried breathing, gripped Marco's arms, legs, head.. .whatever was in grabbing distance when the contraction came. I had so much water/blood/crap coming out of me that they had to change the pad on the bed or floor (depending on if I was standing or laying) every 3 or 4 minutes.

I finally pleaded with the midwife "please take me to the hospital and give me an epidural, I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired and I'm so weak. I'm not strong enough" Of course, silly, at a 10 you're too late for an epidural,she happily told me. I continued to beg and plead (loudly) through each contraction. I don't even know who I was begging to at that point... God, the midwife, the nurses, Marco, Zues... anybody just anybody to help me.

Finally the midwife said she wanted me to try and push through a contraction to see what would happen with the little lip. So I did and she was convinced that it was clear enough for me to try and push. It was between 8 and 9 a.m. on August 1st at this point. I pushed and pushed and pushed. Sadie was turned face up though so once again with each contraction the midwife had her hands in me trying to get the baby to turn. That felt GREAT! Her head was also extremely coned so much in the birthing canal that when I would push it would get stuck. It was too elongated to make the little turn it needed to get past my pelvis and out into the world. So with each push her head would come down but be unable to pass the pelvis.

I pushed standing up. I pushed laying down. I pushed my guts out on the birthing stool. Funnily enough the midwife thought that THIS was the appropriate time to tell me "You're going to have huge hemorrhoids when you're done here, they're really bad." Thanks for the uplifting note bitch, now get this baby out of me.

I pushed for an hour. In the midst of pushing I dry heaved, peed on the floor and of course, pooped, multiple times. Oh and through it all Sadie was still kicking me with every contraction, little darling.

Finally after an hour of pushing the midwife said "I will let you push for 25 more minutes and then I'm going to have to call a doctor to see what we can do. The baby isn't turning and her head can't come out the birth canal." I was actually relieved. Hearing this let me know that the end was in site. Of course I was still screaming bloody murder with every contraction as I ended each push.

25 minutes later and no further progression, she went to consult the doctor in the hospital. He was busy and had to get back to us. Perfect! At this time she actually offered me pain relief if I wanted it. She said that she knows I didn't want it but I had bee at this for a very long time and was exhausted. I looked at her. I looked at Marco. He said to me "I know you didn't want it Sarah but nobody will think less of you if you take it. You've done all you can do." I was a bit stunned but finally was able to get out (in a cry) "I don't want it". What?!?!? Who said that?!?!?! I was actually surprised that at this point I could think clearly enough to remember my sister getting Stadol at the end of one of her births and not getting any relief from the drug but reaping the benefits of all the side effects and knew I didn't want that to happen to me. I really surprised myself though as I had been begging for anything to help me for hours upon hours.

I pushed another 30 minutes with no results before the doctor said came back saying I needed to go to the hospital and they were going to see what they needed to do to help me. They wheeled me over in a wheel chair and I screamed through every contraction on the way to the hospital, which was probably only a good 20 feet away but felt like miles.

I was put on a table, up in stirrups, on a monitor, given an IV with Oxytocin (like pitocin)(so everything I DIDN'T want). While they were preparing all of this I remember my stomach growling and saying "I'm starving." I believe they laughed. The doctor told me he wanted me to push through a contraction to see what was going on. Of course he had his hands inside me to help him "see". Beautiful. That felt nice.

They decided that the vacuum was our best bet to get her our safely. They could have told me they needed to put a stick of dynamite in my ass to get her out and I would have agreed. This vacuum required an episiotomy to fit the it inside me without tearing. They numbed me and cut me which, oddly enough, hurt.

I believe I pushed through three more contractions and finally I felt "the ring of fire". I knew I was pushing out her head. I heard the doctor say "okay Sarah, the head has been born." I could see Marco's face and he said "oh there's her head!". The midwife was snapping pictures. I wanted to punch her face (but later was happy she did).

My next contraction was coming and I knew I had to do it this time. The contraction came and my mind went to my Grandma De. I pleaded with Grandma (quietly to myself) to help me please, help me and within seconds I felt the baby come the rest of the way out. Sadie was born. It was 12:16 pm on August 1st 2008. 8 pounds and 13 ounces, 22 inches (estimated) of beautiful black haired baby. They laid her on my belly and the tears were already coming down my face. She was amazing. She was large but she was just amazing.

The rest is a blur or people, pictures, tears, joy, excitement, relief. Marco cut the cord. As they were running around cleaning up or doing whatever they were doing I delivered my placenta on my own. I'm pretty sure it fell on the floor because nobody was expecting it. I remember the woman turning around and exclaiming "oh there's the placenta!". I later saw it in a sack and they commented on how huge it was. It took 45 minutes to stitch me up. I asked how many I had and she replied "too many to count." Oh goodie.

I only had to eat a meal (yeah after a labor like that I was STARVING), take a shower without passing out and pee and then we were ready to go. By 3 o'clock (yes, 2 hours and 45 minutes after delivering) we were on our way out the door to come home and begin our lives as a family.

It sucked. It was hard. I don't want to do it again but it was worth every single ounce of pain, agony, blood, sweat, tears, shouting... she was worth it all.

Flying poo!

We laughed so hard we cried. This morning it was my turn for the in-home nurse to show/help me bathe Sadie. It was also the nurse´s last day with us. We got the bath all ready and put Sadie on the changing table. I took off her diaper to take her temperature and there was poo in the diaper. No problemo.

So as I´m turning on the thermometer the nurse starts telling me, well sometimes when you insert it they will poo again so be careful to not stand on this end of her and keep the diaper up to `catch` it if it happens. She walked towards Sadie´s head but then went back down to the other end of the table for some reason. Just as she was reaching the `bottom´ end of Sadie we heard and saw the funniest grossest thing ever. Sadie showered the nurse, the table, the carpet and the door with a big ole poo! I have never seen poo fly like this before. I swear to god if I didn´t see it with my own eyes, and get a bit on my hands, I would never believe the story. It was like something out of a movie that you think is so drastically exagerrated but it was oh so real. And the door isn´t even close by, it´s a good 3 feet away from where here little tiny poo filled butt was laying.

We laughed so hard that I cried. Then Marco was filling a bucket of water as fast as he could to get the poo out of the carpet and left the bucket in the shower, where it promptly overflowed all over the floor as he was trying to clean the carpet and forgot about it. As we cleaned the last of the poo off of the table Sadie, in a last ditch attempt to dirty the nurse further on her last day, peed all over.

Alas we finally did get her in the bath and she´s just happy as a clam right now but oh what a morning... and all before noon!

Here's the little pooperitis now (sans poo but looking stunning in the pink pants mommy and daddy bought th day they found out she was a girl!)

Very quick update (a bit gory)

Hi everybody! Just a quick update to let you know Sadie is doing wonderfully. I, however, am having issues. I've got hemmroids the size of snowglobes which are healing extremely slowly. It makes it difficult to sit, stand, lay or walk. I'm aking tablets and cream to get rid of them but it's going to be a while.

Don't know if I mentioned it but I had to have an episiotomy to insert the vacuum to get Sadie out safely. Well it's healing nicely although I somehow managed to tear my va-jay-jay in another place, probably from trying to sit on my snowglobe size hemmroids in an akward position. So now every time I pee I have to take a shower to make sure I stay clean and the new wound doesn't get infected.

Breastfeeding is not going well... at all. As of now she hasn't latched on in the past 24 hours. I have been pumping religiously and we've been feeding her via a contraption that is a finger syringe. So I insert my middle finger into her mouth with a thin syringe on top of it and feed her this way. After feeding I pump for 15 minutes at each breast. It takes forever and the older she gets the more she requires to eat. I am doing this in order to avoid giving a bottle and causing nipple confusion but it's getting extremely difficult. I am working with the nurse and my midwife to try and sort it out but nobody seems to know why she won't latch properly. I am reading and trying everything I know how to and they seem to think she's going to "get it" eventually but in the mean time I am extremely stressed. We try to latch several times throughout each feeding but Sadie also gets irritated very easily. Like if the latch does't working th first 2 or 3 times she starts screaming and has to be calmed down before you can do anything else. She's very short tempered. The good news, she didn't lose the 10% of her weight like most babies do, she only lost 5% and as of today she has gained weight so we're doing something right. I know I'm not starving her but the longer she goes without latching on the more worrisome I become. I am in touch with a woman at La Leche League she is offering me support over the phone but I think I may have to have her come over.

SO there you have the low down. It's time to prepare for another feeding. Sadie is the most wonderful thing Marco and I could have ever created and she is worth every single second of all of the above and then some. I'd take hemmroids the side of snowglobes over not having her any day of the week.

Sorry! Here is a good link

Don't know what happened with the password thing.. here is a link that doesn't require one!

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8QcsWTNm2bMV6

Here she is!

sadiemarie.shutterfly.com/action/?a=8QcsWTNm2bMZo

Sorry I can't think of anything clever to say, I think the pictures say it all!

She's here! Finally! Sadie Marie has joined us!

Hi everybody. I only have time and energy for a quick update but I wanted to let you know that Sadie Marie arrived on August 1, 2008 at 12:16 p.m. (Amsterdam time) after a 26 hour active labor by none other than me. We were sent home from the hospital at 3:00 and are getting settled in. Now THATs a big difference from the US I know. All I had to do was eat a meal (yeah 26 hours of labor, give me 4 meals please) take a shower without fainting and pee and they gave me the go ahead. My midwife will come to the house over the next 10 days to check me and the baby and we also have an in home nurse who will come every day to help with the baby for 3 hours every day for 8 days.

She has a head full of black hair, weighed 8.8 pounds (4 kilos) and I don't think they ever measured her length though. She is just absolutely beautiful and has the longest fingers I've ever seen on a baby. She actually looks a lot like my niece Ryleigh when she was born which is perfect because Ry was a beauitufl baby! We are just in awe of her and I can't quit staring. It's so surreal to actually have her here with us. I bawled like a baby as soon as they placed her on my chest and I will have to say, there were tears in Marco's eyes throughout the day. Of course, being a weeper, I've cried off and on all day, tears of absolute elation.

My water birth did not work out as planned at all not due to any factor except that I just didn't like it in the pool. I will give a ery detailed explination of my birthstory at a later time, gore and all. I will say now though, I have a sore throat from screaming.

Sadie's a calling. Thanks so much for everything readers! You're ther best!

Update from below...

So since I'd been up since 3:15 a.m. I thought I should probably nap in case something else started up. So I laid down at 3:30 p.m. and low and behold 15 minutes later contractions were right back at it. They came every 5-10 minutes, lasted 1-2 minutes long and kept up until 6:30pm. This marks the time when I decided to get up off the bed and walk around and wham, no more consistant contractions. They're now coming about every 30 minutes or so.

Well what in the world? So I called my midwife to see what I was supposed to do, lay there and let myself contract or get up and walk around, slowing/stopping the contractions. Her suggestion was to not lay there as those are just pre-labor contractions and I'm unnecessarily wearing my body out. She said (and this I have never heard of) that once the sun goes down my daytime hormones (what?!) will lessen and my nighttime hormones will take over (m-kay). Then my contractions will more than likely become steady, closer together and be considered "real" contractions. She said that right now I should be relaxing but obviously that can't be done laying down so I should read a book, take a shower, get a massage (my favorite option) or do anything that will conserve my energy and relax me. She also said try to eat something small even if I don't feel like it. I had a fruit salad and a little snack cracker type thing.

I also asked her, "so am I going to have this baby tonight do you think?" and ding! ding! ding! ding! ding! She came up with the winning million dollar answer... "more than likely, yes, not many women take two days once they start out the way you did this morning." Did you see that "yes" in there? I sure did!

So... there you go. My July 21st baby will probably be an August 1st baby which is way way better than an August 8th baby!

Oh and by the way, the contractions are way different that I ever thought they would be. And that's not necessarily a good thing. I've already said to myself and Marco, yes, I can totally see why women get an epidural. LOL Oh wish me strength!

Houston we have liftoff... or do we?

Thursday morning my time here. I woke up at 3:15 with wet undies and I hadn't peed them. ***disclaimer: this next sentence may induce vomiting*** Went to the bathroom and of course did what ever woman in the world would do, took off my underwear and smelled the wet part. It wasn't pee, that was for sure. There was actually no smell to it at all. Changed undies and went back to bed.

About 10 minutes later I had my first contraction. A real one. Then I started having more contractions and they continued until about 8:30 this morning. ***disclaimer: this next sentence may induce vomiting*** In this time I also lost bits of my mucus plug while in the potty.

I called my midwife at 8 to tell her I thought my water had broken and to tell her what was going on. My contractions were about 10 minutes apart and lasting 40 second to 1 minute each. She said she just got a call from another woman with contrax 2 minutes apart so she couldn't come check me now but for me to let her know when they were 4 to 5 minutes apart for 2 hours solid. She also said what I thought was my water could have been just some really wet cervical mucus.

Then just as suddenly as they came, the contractions stopped. The whole wet cervical mucus thing could be true because I haven't had a "leak" since the first one at 3. Now it's 9:17 am and the contractions have really spread out, maybe one every 30 minutes to hour and aren't nearly as strong as they were. I just don't know what to think. I'm more than disappointed to say the least. I'm going to go take a shower to see if I can keep things moving along.

I'll update throughout the day if anything new happens. If nothing new happens then I'm going to try and sleep today since I obviously didn't get any sleep last night. It's already hot and humid as hell here. Should be a fun time.

Good thing the only person I called was my Mom because I wasn't quite sure if it was the real deal. Poor Mom probably isn't sleeping for shit and for no good reason. Sorry Ma! Love you!

My latest picture at 41 weeks 1 day (so from Tues)

Is it just me or is there a strong resemblance between me and one of Sadie's animals from her mural? You can also see my hair cut although it looks a little messy in the picture... well I'm not going to lie, it looks a little messy all the time.

Still hanging in there. No signs of labor. Not much else to report really. Thanks for all of your emails, comments, well wishes, cheers, prayers... the whole sche-bang! It really means a lot to us!

Acupuncture

I had my acupuncture appointment this morning to try and get labor started. It went well I guess. I'd never done acupuncture before so I didn't quite know what to expect. Most of my time there was spent just giving background information, going over my health and pregnancy history and so on. She was quite surprised/shocked at how swollen my feet were and thought it was strange how suddenly the swelling and redness stopped right above my ankles.

We started the treatment and she inserted 8-10 needles on each leg so 16-20 needles total. They were all in my lower legs (below the knee) with the exception of the ones that were in my hand in the web between my thumb and pointer finger. Inserting the needles didn't hurt but I could feel it when she hit the "spot". Again, it didn't hurt but it was a strange sensation. Kind of like a burning sensation only not hot. I know that probably doesn't make sense but I don't know how else to explain it.

After insertion I just sat there and every once in a while she would come over and twist/move the needles. I asked her how long after a treatment a woman would usually go into labor. She said it's usually that night or within 48 hours. WOOHOO! That sounded good to me.

Then she proceeded to say "but I don't think that is going to happen for you quite yet. Your response to the needles isn't quite what it should be if the baby was ready to come."

Talk about bursting a gals bubble. She set up another appointment for me for Friday to coincide with the midwife stripping my membranes. She seems to think that the two procedures may have a better chance of setting things in motion if done at the same time. She will also set up an appointment with me for the following Monday when the midwife will srip membranes again should Friday's stripping not work.

She also told me that I am not resting enough. I'm too active and I need to rest more. I already feel like a lazy slug for sitting around as much as I do. She did make a good point though. She said, you're not just sitting around, you're housing, feeding and growing a child 24-hours a day. That's a big task. I guess she's right. She was astounded that I actually vacuumed the entire house yesterday evening. Apparently I shouldn't be doing things like that, shopping, etc. She said walking with the dog in the neighborood is really good but all of the other "extra" stuff should be cut out.

I'm really disappointed. Yeah, she could be wrong about the whole labor but more than likely she's not. Yeah this baby will come when she's ready. I don't need anybody to tell me that. I'm just extremely disappointed right now.

41 weeks and no sign of Sadie

I had my midwife appointment this morning. It went well I suppose. My bloodpressure was higher than usual for me but nowhere near any danger zone. We have a plan of action now which makes me feel a wee bit better although not much. I think the worst part of the whole thing is just not having control over when anything will happen. I'm not THAT huge of a control freak but it's really driving me batty not knowing anything.

So here is the plan. Tomorrow I will have acupuncture at 10:30 in the morning. Should the baby be ready (all signs point to "yes" she is ready) this should work. I have a good feeling about it although maybe that's just hope.

If she isn't here by Friday the midwife will come to the house and strip my membranes. This, also, should work to get my uterus contracting.

If Friday's stripping doesn't work I have an appointment with the widwife on Monday where she will try, once again, to strip my membranes to get things started.

Should NONE of those options or nature take it's course by Thursday next week I will go to the hospital and see a doctor who will check the baby, the amniotic fluid level, me and then schedule me for an induction probably for Friday, August 8th.

I am hoping to God that it doesn't get that far. Having an induction means I will not be able to have the water birth in the birthing center as I have been planning all along. It means a delivery in a hospital bed, hooked up to and IV and probably given Pitocin (they use Oxytocin here).

I will do whatever is necessary to get Sadie here safely. If she is in danger obviously I have no problems doing whatever is necessary to get here in one healthy little bundle. I am going to try like hell everything I know how to get her here as naturally as possible though, before next Thursday.

Sunday July 27th = no baby

No baby but you'll all be happy to know the poop-a-thon hasn't let up. Ugh. We went walking today to try to use gravity to get her out and although I feel like I'm carrying a bowling ball between my legs I don't think it did much good other than making my feet and ankles swell horribly. Marco's going stir crazy and is mad every time he has to walk out the door to go to work. He resorted to bribing our child this morning. It went a little something like this...

"Sadie, this is Papa. If you come out we'll give you ice cream. We also have very cute clothes to put on you. We'll let you swing in your swing all day long if you want. We're having really nice weather too so it's a great day to be born. We'll take you swimming and let you go down the slide as many times as you want."

Ah so sweet of Marco but it's just not working. And I do have to brag about what a wonderful husband he is. The man actually painted my toenails for me yesterday after first taking off the old chipped polish. They were looking pretty grim and it was really bothering me so he was kind enough to paint them and I didn't even have to resort to tears. What a guy! His technique was different, painting side to side rather from bottom of nail to the top but I have to say I have some cute pink little puffy toes today.

So as of 3:31 p.m. Sunday there is no sign of the wee one. If this July baby turns into an August baby... well I'll have to live with it... but I won't be a happy camper!

Sunday July 27th = no baby

No baby but you'll all be happy to know the poop-a-thon hadn't let up. Ugh.

Guess what I've been doing yesterday and today

Here is an interesting article brought to you by http://www.parents.com/ called "5 Signs You're in Labor". Let me quote the part that I am most interested in because, as my title suggests, it's what I've been doing yesterday and today (8 times so far today, that has to be some kind of record):

You Get Diarrhea
During the early part of labor, your body begins to release prostaglandins, a group of hormonelike substances that cause the uterus to contract and help soften and dilate the cervix. But prostaglandins can also hyperstimulate the bowels, causing frequent stools or even diarrhea, Dr. Grabowski says.

Yeah, so this better be the early signs of an impending labor. Otherwise it's just a cruel evil joke to play on the already-sitting-on-pins-and-needles mommy to be. So can I get a big ole "hell yeah" for the prostaglandins?

HELL YEAH!

*big sigh*

No Sadie yet but I did get a sassy new haircut today. Of course it looks nothing like I told the girl to cut it but I ended up liking it anyway. Why is it that you can't just show the woman a picture and come out with hair that looks like the picture? When I say my hair will curl and shrink even if it doesn't LOOK curly when I walk in please, for the love of God, believe me. Why would I make that up? And I didn't request a hard haircut. It was a bob. A normal, blunt cut at the chin, no layers, just cut it straight across, bob. I have now a higher in back, lower in front semi-bob with multi layers in the back. Dude, whatever. At least it's cut. If I put on a bra and proper shirt later I'll have Marco take a picture and post it for all to see.

So for now I'm just sitting patiently waiting for the little one... oh and my cheesecake from Becklette.

Exciting!!!!

Well... sort of... I had two contractions yesterday. Real ones. Then nothing.

Then I woke up at 5:30 this morning from more contractions. Had 3 or 4 of them fairly close together, probably within a 20 minute time span for all of them. I was so excited. Then nothing. They stopped.

So at least my body is doing something. Not everything but something. It's a start. Usually I'm a pretty quick learner so fingers crossed my uterus catches on fast!

Still pregnant.

40 weeks 1 day new pictures!

Here's the latest and greatest belly shot! How sick am I of wearing the same two shirts all the time you ask? Very!

11:30 am and all is well

Today is the 22nd. I'm officially one day over due. No sign of munchkin yet. I've made an appointment for next Tuesday with an acupuncturist that my midwife recommended so if I'm not showing signs of labor as of yet she could possibly get things going. If the baby is ready then acupuncture will work, if not the treatment will still give me relief from some of the other things that are not quite right with my body such as my red, puffy, inflamed, itchy Shrek feet and possibly the gas/intestine pains. Overall it will help me relax too. I'm all for that!

I am still holding out a glimmer of hope that she will arrive before the acupuncture is needed. Until then it's just a waiting game. Thanks for all of your well wishes, good thoughts, labor vibes, prayers and comments. It's nice to know people are thinking of us!

A note from Mommy...

Dear Sadie,

Hello sweetheart! This is your Mommy, Sarah. Today is your due date my little pumpkin. That means that this is the day that you're supposed to arrive so me and Papa can finally meet you. We've been so excited for this day to actually get here!

I just got back from my appointment with the midwife (the lady who will help me bring you into the world, she'll be one of the first people you get to meet) and she doesn't seem to think you'll be coming out to play today. That's probably a good thing because it's very rainy right now. Maybe you're waiting for good weather?

Papa's been talking to you a lot lately in my belly. Have you been listening? He's been asking if you're ready to come out and play. I know you can hear him because when he asks you questions you kick me. When you kick me, I kick Papa, just so he can share in the experience. He doesn't like that very much but it makes me laugh. Maybe you're laughing too when you kick me?

We've got everything all ready for you. We've packed two different outfits to take to the birthing center with us in two different sizes just in case you're bigger than we expect. When we got to see you're pretty little face on the 3d ultrasound ten weeks ago the doctor said you were very long for a 30 week old baby so I'm sure by now at 40 weeks along you're even longer and stronger! Don't worry though we have plenty of clothes for you in all different sizes so you just come on out here whatever size you want to be, okay?

We've got your cradle all ready for you too. We've washed the sheets so they're nice and soft for you and it's just waiting there for you at the end of our bed. Every once in a while Papa will rock it and sing a little song just to make sure he's in good practice for when you really are here. We even have a special little doggy for you that plays sounds of the womb to help you sleep. Papa thinks this will be your favorite stuffed animal and that you'll carry it with you everywhere. I think he may be right.

I know you hear your four legged brother Scooter barking sometimes. He's excited to meet you as well. Every morning he goes into your room to eat his breakfast. I think he's just checking to make sure you didn't come through the night without him knowing. He may look a little funny and will probably steal your food when you get a bit older but I think you guys will be best buddies.

Have you been listening to the songs we've been making up for you and singing every day? The 'shoe shine shop' song is a song my Grandpa used to sing to me when I was little. It's a tongue twister! Your cousins, Jordi and Milan, have learned it too and they will sing it to you as well just as soon as you arrive. My favorite song though is the Sadie Sadie song... you know the one... it goes:

Sadie Sadie, such a little lady
Sitting on the porch and drinkin lemonade-y

Who's that girl with the curls in her hair?
Oh that's my Sadie I'd know her anywhere.

Who's that girl with the twinkle in her eye?
Oh that's my Sadie she's my little pumpkin pie.

Sadie, Sadie, such a little lady
sitting on the porch and drinkin lemonade-y.

Papa and I sing that song to you every day. Once we start it gets stuck in our head. I even sang it in my dream last night. I hope you come out soon so we can sing it together while I rock you in my arms. I think you'll like it a lot out here.

Anything you could possibly need we're ready to give to you. We have stored up lots of hugs, kisses, cuddles, laughs, tickles, sways, rocking, bouncing, love... anything you want... we're ready to give to you. We're ready to read you stories. We're ready to change your dirty diapers. (Papa gets super pooper duty!). We're ready to make you feel safe. We're ready to let you feel loved. We're ready to kiss your scrapes and bumps. We're ready to teach you new things. We're ready to watch you learn and grow. We're ready for you sweetie. Just come whenever you can. We're ready to be your Mommy and Papa. We love you Sadie.

Love,
Mommy.