An unofficial weigh in of sorts...

I've been trying to do a combo of Zumba and eating better (although eating is still nowhere near it should be with all of the holiday chocolate, cakes and goodies!) but I've been doing Zumba for 2 weeks now (5 times total), drinking more water, less soda and trying to be more food aware and today I have officially dropped a little over 4 pounds from my starting weight! Only about 136 more to go woohoo! (little sarcasm never hurt anybody!)

I love the Zumba and am even thinking of going to the next level already after only a couple of weeks. I can't wait to try the strength training!

So if I can drop 4 pounds (2 kilos) in 2 weeks during the holidays I cannot wait to see what I can do once January rolls around.

Woohoo for me! Hope you're having fantastic healthy successful weeks and happy holiday season to all!

one sick baby = one pooped out Mama

Sorry to ignore my blog this past week but little Sadie has been really ill and I haven’t had a chance to breathe let alone blog (or exercise). I had done the Zumba twice last week and really like it a lot and think it will be something that I can stick with once I get back on track. I also decided that I am going to give myself a few weeks so not this week) before I weigh myself. This is partially due to the fact that the day after I announced I was 127 (kilos) I got on the scale to see 128-point-some-number and partially because we’ve had two alcohol infested meetings at work, one Christmas dinner and a week full of on the go meals and I just don’t want to disappoint myself when I’m feeling so positive right now.

Sadie is still not 100%, she’s more about 40 today but I think she’s on the up and up which means that this week I should be able to work out 3 times, or at least that’s what I’m aiming for right now.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

It's the little things...

These are some things I'm doing today to make a positive change towards my weight loss goals:

1) I cut down my usual "6-9 cup of coffee/hot chocolate" morning down to just one cup of coffee. I also had one portion of oatmeal for breakfast with low fat milk.

2) I've had the most delicious salad for lunch with greens, pumpkin, tomato, celery, smoked chicken and feta with a lemon dressing.

3) I've already told my husband that I'll be doing my Zumba workout tonight, for the second time, and I'm really looking forward to it. Saying out loud makes me feel committed and I know there is a higher chance of me following through. The fact that I'm looking forward to it makes me a wee bit giddy.

4) I've had two bottles of water already and it's just past 1p.m. I'll try to get in at least two more before (work) days end.

So there you go. Small steps.

What positive things are you doing in your life today?

I did Zumba! (video, not class)

And I'm going to write my review as I'm sitting here at my table still huffing and puffing, still sweating in my ears, still with my heart pounding out of my chest....The verdict:

I'll do it again. Multiple times a week, more than likely. In a nut shell the actual workout was fun, semi-easy to follow and short. The music was fun and the instructor gave variations of the hip swaying that those skinny women were doing so quickly.

Now, out of the nutshell and into the nitty gritty...

There are definetely some positives about the video and some negatives. A lot of what I say, should you choose to take it to heart, will also depend on how you feel about your own body, where you are in your weight loss endevors and your place in your life right now, right this minute. I'm sitting here as a 279 pound (127 kilo) (yeah, that's what the scale said this week at my weigh in, so there is my starting point) woman who has, in the past, dropped 72 pounds and has, since her pregnancy, gained most of it back. I am also a woman though, who used to work out in the gym 3 to 4 times a week and did occasional classes. This gives me the wisdom to know not to judge a workout by your first attempt and that it will get a) better b) get easier c) become more fun. Really, huff huff, it will. I am also a woman who has been dragging her feet to begin, again. I am also a woman who ate two (large) cookies for breakfast and almost let that be an excuse not to workout because "I already started the day shitty". I know we're all in different places, all over the weight loss map, so keep that in mind while reading.

So lets start with the negatives and get that out of the way so we can end on a positive note.

1) the intro to the dance steps - it was LENGTHY and intimidating. Seriously, I watched the intro first and practiced the steps and about 10 steps into it I was thinking "for Gods sake how many steps are they going to throw at me in a 20 minute bacis, beginners workout". It almost intimidated me to the point of turning it off and not even moving onto the actual video.

2) workout space - you don't need a lot of space but this would be a hell of a lot easier to do on a concrete or wooden floor. I have carpet and your feet just don't slide as easily as you would like them to.

3) some of the moves, even when broken down, are not for beginners. There was one combination that tripped me up the entire time, and I like to think that I can keep a beat and follow simple steps.

4) If you are not used to working out or are just beginning I can see how it would discourage you from trying it again. Your body is flopping, sloshing, shaking, flapping and sweating, all the whilst the little dancers on TV are moving around like tazmanian devils with the greatest of ease. That's why Richard Simmons was so damned successful. He had real people who were struggling with weight showing you how to move. It made you feel safe and secure and comfortable with your body because it made you think "if that un-thin person can do it, well then so can I". If you have never worked out and are not necessarily comfortable in your own skin then it can be off-putting.

And that's really the only negatives I have about the video. 4. And some may not apply to everybody. Not bad at all for a workout, eh?

And now...the positives

1) It is (or will be after a few more times) as fun as it looks on TV. I am into dance music and have always wanted to learn latin dances and this teaches you some basic moves. Once you have seen the video a couple times, and know what is coming next, and can actually dance and not concentrate so much on the instructions, then it's going to be a blast.

2) The guy does show you modified steps if you cannot keep up with the tazmanian devils that I mentioned before. If you can keep those thoughts in your head while watching them dancer faster then you're okay. (It would be better if they had one of the six dancers do modified moves throughout the video so you could have visual instruction throughout).

3) The beginnger workout does not sling all of those moves at you in one big dance off. They do four (or was it five) small dance sessions using only a few of the moves showed in the intro. Whew! What a relief that was!

4) It was over before I knew it! And that, my friend, is a freaking miracle when it comes to workouts. Yeah I was huffing and puffing and my legs were shaking and my face was bright red but I was still doing it and when he announced "this is your last dance" I was surprised (and a bit relieved as I really wanted to be able to finish the whole video).

5) I'm actually looking forward to doing it again. This is the kicker... I was so tired and didn't have the energy to work out, yet I knew working out would give me more energy, making it easier to do my NEXT workout. It was just taking that huge first step to actually make myself move that killed me. And in the formward motion that is weight loss, this workout today will make me want to eat better, which then again, will give me more energy.

And with that, my friends, my weight loss ball is a rolling. I feel so good and am so proud of myself.

The Zumba has arrived. It's been sitting on my table this week waiting to be opened and played with. I haven't even touched the box. I've just been too exhausted.

This is always a rough week for me though, as Marco works evenings so I pretty much have the baby all night long (and we all know how well she sleeps!). On top of that she's not been feeling the greatest and is teething. It's been a bit of a nighmare but I swear I'll do the video at least once this weekend. Probably tonight. One you make that first step then the next one is easier, I know this, it's just picking my foot up off of the ground to take it that's so darned difficult.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh and today is Sinterklaas in the Netherlands so happy Sinterklaas day!

Zumba

I'm ordering it. I would have ordered it tonight if I would know my husbands secret code to the credit card but alas, I do not. But I'm getting it. I've wanted the videos for a long time now and finally I'm tired of waitin around to reward myself with the videos. I'm just stinking getting them already.

I've been having a tough week this week with my weight. It's been bothering me, emotionally, more than I've been letting on and I found myself crying in the bathroom at work on Wednesday. I finally confessed to Marco all of my recent deepest darkest thoughts, which aren't all that different than what they've been in the past, and I feel much better.

Seriously, I have the best, most understanding husband ever. As always he said I have to tell him when I feel like that and not let it just eat at me by myself. He also said that he'd been wondering if he should say something to me first about getting back on the weight loss wagon, full steam ahead, but he didn't want to risk hurting my feeling. What a sweetheart.

It probably would have hurt my feelings if he would have said something to me. I would have been mad. Then hurt. Then mad at myself because I know he is right. Then depressed that he was right and the whole nasty emotional cycle would have ensued of being a mix of pissed off, determined, defeated, energized, scared, furious, motivated... you all know all of the things that come along with this.

So I'm taking a step or two. I'm ordering the video. I'm also going to get myself a little white board calendar that sticks to the fridge so I can keep track of the days that I exercise and set some real goals.

Why does it seem like I'm just starting this whole journey when I've actually been at it since 06. Yeah that's right, I started this blog and this cycle of weight loss, weight gain back in 2006. Granted I was more on the losing side before finding out I was pregnant in Nov. 07 (dang that's been a long time ago!) and having the baby in Aug 08, but since then it's just kind of been a stagnation of sorts. Yeah there's been a loss here and a gain there but overall, I'm just not moving, literally and figuratively.

It's going to change. Sadie is starting to eat more normal foods and wanting to try everyting we're eating and I just absolutely refuse to raise a child addicted to sweet, sugary foods, like her Mommy is. I just freaking refuse to do so. I have to be her example.

So that's where I am right now, at this moment.

oh and p.s. We're celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary on Friday, me and that amazing guy I was talking about earlier. I can't believe how quickly it's gone and (without being overly cheesy) I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, caring, loving, supportive, fun man in my life. I love your guts MJR.

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a while. My home computer is getting worked on so I haven’t had access to anything. And now of course I’m short on time so a brief update.

Work is going really well.

I got on the scale Tuesday and it was very ugly. Seriously ugly. I’m going to wait until next week to post my official weight as the monthly monster is/was here and I hope hope hope hope hope that played even a small part in what the scale said.

I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed and all of those nasty emotional things that you feel about your weight when you’re basically at the start of things. I know I have to push through this part but it’s been difficult. I need to get back into my mindset of taking one day, one meal at a time and going from there rather than just looking at the daunting task in front of me. So today I started off with a coffee, a cup of melon and some greek yogurt with honey. Not bad. I plan on a salad for lunch and then hopefully a healthy dinner. I’m drinking water and going to cut down my soda intake (again), which is rarely difficult for me to do but for some reason I just can’t stop. So that’s today. One day. And that’s where I am right now.

What a week!

I had a fantastic first week at my new job. Of course there was the normal overwhelming stuff, like learning everybody's names, which PA belongs to which person, learning the computer systems... but over all it went rather smoothly. I share an office space with one other woman, Francine, and she's extremely nice and helpful. My "team" is out of the office a lot so I have a ton of time on my own but I don't mind that one bit. Honestly, it was one of the most relaxing weeks I've had in a long long time when it comes to work. I just feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. That could be because I've been wanting out of my last job for over 2 years and have been seriously searching since January of this year but whatever it is, it's nice.

And a great thing about work, kind of a bonus, is lunch! They have a fantastic cafeteria that offers several different options, one being a grandioso salad bar! I had salad for lunch 4 out of the 5 days this week and the other day I had french onion soup and a slice of bread w/ clove cheese (only the Dutch!). It was delicious. Back to this salad bar... They take a big mixing bowl and throw in whatever you want. It's fresh every day and you get a mix of greens, topped with your choice of three veggies (I tend to get corn, tomato, cucumber or bell pepper mix but they have tons of other options like beet root, alfalfa, olives, and whatever else you throw into a salad) then you get your choice of either pasta, chick peas or potatoes to add to it (if you want), then you get your choice of feta, mozarrella or some other cheese that I can't think of, and then you can choose a protein like chicken, tuna, little pepperoni bits, etc. Then of course the dressing. I'm a big fan of the balsamic vinegar. (Well, you all know what a salad bar looks like but it's just unusual to see such a good one here, which is why I'm gushing. LOL) But they put it all together, mix it up and hand you this ginormous plate of yummy salad that costs you 2.50 euros! I grab a diet coke and my whole lunch costs me 3.10. YAY! So if I make the right selections I can be well on my way to eating a fantastically health lunch every day and I'm definately getting in all my veggies now, which was a concern of mine prior.

So there you go. My first week was wonderful and if I keep up at this pace my weight loss life will fall right into place too. Now I just need to fit in some exercise and I'll be all set. I don't dare say it but Sadie's been sleeping a wee bit better (still not all the way through the night though!) and if she keeps up like this I'll be rested enough to be able to stay up last 9 o'clock in the evenings, therefore having time to fit in a workout! Won't that be the shit? Coming from somebody who hasn't had a solid, uninterupted nights sleep in over 15 months, yeah, it's gonna be the shit.

My Last Day at Work

I realized that I haven't posted any pictures of myself on here forever so I thought this would be the chance since I have some recent ones (you can also see some cute pics on Sadie's blog of our vacation that I was talking about.)

So as you all know I'm starting my new job on Monday. Thursday was my last day at Universal and they threw a little going away party for me, which was really unexpected and thoughtful. So first, here are pictures of people you guys don't know but trust me, they're my colleagues. LOL

And here is me and one of my favorite colleagues, Marvin. He is one of the nicest, most sincere and funny people I know.

And another very good guy Marc, who wrote the most stunning recommendation letter for me. Gotta love that!

And Patrick is also one of the many people I am going to miss seeing every day.

I was given a huge bouquet of flowers that were just gorgeous. The are absolutely beautiful on my table at home and smell great. (Thanks Tilma!)

These are the ladies that I worked closest with the ladies of the legal department, well minus me now. The two on the left are new (the second girl is my replacement, GOOD LUCK Caisha!) They are: Daymin, Caisha, Alexandra (who did Sadie's mural), Noor (who you've "met" via mine and Sadie's blog), giant flowers, me, Georgia (who is generally a hell of a lot happier than she looks in this picture) and Christie. We're just missing Marisa who was I don't know where.

After work the legal eagles had a night out with dinner and a show at Boom Chicago. It's like watching Saturday Night Live only better. It's partially scripted, mostly improved and freaking hilarious. We had a wonderful time and my face hurt from laughing so much. Now THAT'S the way I wanted to leave Universal. Laughing, having a good time and a little bit tipsy!

The food was good too, which was kind of unexpected since places like this tend to not do so well in the kitchen as most people come for the show. It was surprisingly delicious!

So that was it! My last day and now come Monday I'll be starting over, once again, at a new job. I'm really looking forward to it though, in a bitter-sweet sort of way. I'll miss my friends at Universal a lot and not seeing them every day is going to suck but this is just what was best for me. I look forward to the new challenges, meeting the new people and starting something fresh. Wish me luck!

Losing my mind (not my ass)

I swear wrote in here about my Dutch vacation already, since we've been back. I swear I did. I can almost rewrite this post in accordance with my memory of what I thought I wrote but thanks to one of my loyal readers (thanks becklette!) I realize I did NOT tell you guys how my trip went.



Overall, the trip was superb! The second day there my in-laws complemented me on how much better my Dutch was and from then on I just said whatever came to my mind, regardless if it was correct or not and most of them times I seemed to be able to get it semi-right or at least right enough that they could catch my drift. That's a big problem for me, just having the balls enough to make mistakes and sounds a bit daft (or a whole lot of silly) and I managed to get over that.



The park was absolutely gorgeous even for October in the Netherlands. Center Parks is apparently a chain of parks all over the world. In Holland the "center" of the park, where all of the shopping, eating, paying, swimming, is generally covered by a huge dome so you can enjoy the whole park regardless of the weather. We, naturally, booked the only park that didn't come with the fully domed center. The only covered places were the swimming park and the "Action Factory" where kids could play and the rest you had to get through the rain to get to. We were still lucky, especially for the NL, that it didn't rain until the second to the last day. It was chilly and I forgot my coat but we managed to still have a lot of fun.



Our bungalow (and why do I get the sneaking suspicion that I'm spelling that wrong?) was big enough that the 5 of us (me, Marco, Sadie, Oma and Opa) didn't feel like we were on top one another. We had two WC's (water closets or toilets, which seriously are the size of small closets) and one was ever so slightly bigger than the other and even had a small sink in it. We had a separate shower with a sauna and another bathroom/shower combo. We had a full kitchen, living room , dining area and balcony, complete with ducks and a swan who would beg for food.



So whew... I survived and actually I did more than that, I really enjoyed myself! I'll be "camping" again sometime (which I've been told by numerous people that what we did wasn't camping at all but in Holland it's camping baby)!



On the weight loss (or should I just stop calling it weight loss and call it "weight" instead). I've not gotten on the scale in a couple weeks but from the way my jeans felt, I've managed to gain a pound or two. I know why, actually. I keep telling myself, "when I start my new job, I'm going to start everything, losing weight, eating well, exercising." and instead of doing it NOW, even though I know I shouldn't put it off, I am, indeed, putting it off. Ah well, I start my new job Monday (YAY!) so no more excuses after then, right?



I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

Another short vacation...

Now that we're back and in the swing of things after our U.S. vacation we're getting ready to go on another short little trip with the Aarssen family. It's the first trip with all of us together and I'm bit torn on how to feel. I'm excited to have the time with Marco and Sadie, all day, every day. I'm excited to spend some real time with Marco's parents and his brother, sister-in-law and nephews as we really don't get together often enough. The only thing I am leery about is spending 5 days in Dutch.

Now I know that may sound strange as I live in the Netherlands so why am I not spending 24/7 in Dutch already? Because we speak English at home (Marco and I speak English to one another, he speaks only Dutch to Sadie and I speak only English to her). I speak English at work. I speak English on my blog. We watch 99% of television in English. It's a rare occasion when I actually have to speak Dutch. When I'm out and about I speak Dutch, so in the shops or around the neighborhood walking the dog, and when I am with my in-laws I speak Dutch (they don't speak English, and neither do my nephews who are 6 and 8 years old) but it doesn't really give me a lot of Dutch time or practice.

If you've never lived in a foreign country or never been in a situation where you're not speaking your native language then you may not understand how demanding it can be (and intimidating at first, of course I'm past that stage after living here ver 5 years). I have to concentrate twice as hard at listening to what everybody is saying. I have to focus all of my attention if I really want to follow a conversation with multiple speakers. I have to catch what I can, translate it in my head (I've not mastered thinking in Dutch), think what I want to say, translate it in English and then try and spit it out. Generally by time this takes place the entire conversation has shifted and the well crafted sentence that I'm ready to blurt out is moot. It's mentally exhausting after a few hours. We're going for a few days.

It can be really good for my Dutch. Honestly, it's the best way to learn a language, to be forced to listen and participate, but it can take its toll on you as well. I've bought some Wieckse Rose, which is a fruity beer that I really like, and hope that it will help. I know the more my in-laws drink the better their English gets so hopefully the reverse is true. If anything I can always claim "hangover" and take a few hours for myself to recoup.

After vacation I get back to Universal for 4 more days or work, have a 3 day weekend and then begin my new job! I am so happy right now with the way things are going. I think I should be more nervous, and according to most people, I really should be more nervous, but honestly, I'm just not. I'm really looking forward to a new start, new challenges, meeting new people, finding my way and going forward that I just can't be scared or worried or nervous or any of those things. I guess that's a good thing, right?

As far as the weight loss efforts go... well, let's not talk about those right now. What? Sorry? Oh yeah, that IS the point of this blog. Okay, so my weight is not budging. Why would it? I'm not doing anything at all to get it to move in either direction. I keep thinking to myself "when I start my new job then THAT is the point where I get all of my eating/exercising stuff together. That's great but in my head I KNOW that I should be doing it NOW, already. And I am half assing it for the most part, eating healthy here and there, not eating healthy now and then, but I know myself and I know that for me it has to be all or nothing. Half assing this will not help me in losing half of my ass, which is, quite literally, how much I need to lose, half of my current weight.

Scary thought isn't it, that I could lose half of my body weight and be at a healthy, normal weight for somebody my height? A bit gross if you really think about it but hey, I'm not going to start down that self destructive path again, of telling myself how terrible I am and how disgusting it is or any of those other self defeating things that over weight people bash themselves with. I'm just not going to do it. Í am what I am, take it or leave it, and this is what I have to work with. It may not be the best, but it's all I have so what else can I do but accept myself "as is" and work on it.

So if you don't hear from me this week know that I will be back soon, with a positive message of weight loss efforts and probaby a pounding migraine from a weeks worth of Dutch lessons!

I hope you all have healthy, successful weeks.

Good scale news and my new job

I've lost most of the weight that I gained on vacation already so woohoo for that! Most of it was water retension, so it seems, as it slid off rather quickly and my legs and feet are not nearly as puffy.

So, about my new job...

I'm totally excited about it! My official title is Team Assistant to the Programming Department. I will be assisting one VP (French), 3 managers (1 American, 1 Greek, 1 German) and one other person that I'm not sure what the title is or where they're from. The company is UPC and it's owned by Liberty Global who also owns Chello Zone. Basically we're one of the largest broadband, TV and internet providers in Europe. It's a really international company, the working language is English so I'm still not going to get any help with my Dutch. Oh well. I

I'll be doing similar work to what I'm doing at Universal only on a smaller, different scale. What I'm most excited about is that the opportunities to do new things, learn and develop are 100 times more than I'll ever get at Universal and that's really important to me.

The company has a lot of benefits that I'm currently not getting like free travel insurance for our whole family even if the travel isn't work related. The health insurance will be cheaper for me and I will have the top tier of the healthcare scheme. They also pay some money to me to go towards my insurance every month. They pay my traveling expenses to and from work. They contribute to our pension fund over what I put in myself and they're contribution increases with your age. They have yearly wellness checks if you want, at the office. As I mentioned, I will get a discount on my gym membership. There's just a ton of stuff that is really great.

The best part is that I'm not nervous or anxious or second guessing myself about the move or my abilities to do the job well. I have had a positive feeling about this once since the moment my recruiter called me and discussed it with me the first time and that's really great.

So there you go... good news all around!

Perks!

I officially have the new job now, the contract is signed, sealed and delivered but what I'm really excited about is one of the "perks" of the job, or the company rather. I found out today that I can get a discount on a gym membership to the gym that is right across the street from my new office! I will have an hour lunch break and was really hoping that I could use part of that time to get in some sort of exercise, which I have been totally lacking since... well actually since I was pregnant... so many many months (actually almost 2 years) ago. Good lord has it been that long?

Wow. I'm really excited to be getting back to it and I know I will be feeling better too, physically and mentally, with regular work outs. Making time for exercise at home sounds good in theory but it's just not happening. It's just not. Sadie is still not sleeping well (it improved for a while there and then since vacation has been HORRIBLE!). I'm so drained by time I get home it's all I can do to stay awake long enough to make supper. With this gym opportunity staring me in the face I will have no valid excuse not to get my body moving.

I've not been this excited about the possibility of a workout in ages. It feels good. It feels real good.

Whirlwind - the only way to describe it

So lots and lots and lots of stuff has happened since I've posted last. Our vacation was awesome. We got to spend so much more time with my parents this time which was really nice. I didn't get to see a few people that are always on my "to see" list due to some bad circumstances (sorry Teena!) but we did get to see some family members that we hadn't seen in our last couple of trips.

We had a second 1st birthday party for Sadie (actually a 13.5 month birthday party!) and all of my nices and nephews came. It was great to have all of the kids there. A few days before we left Sadie started having a bit of stranger anxiety but she was good around her cousins, it was more the adults that she had the aversion to. She would give them this look, the hair eyeball, where she'd scowl at anybody who looked her direction. She didn't really mean it though because as soon as they would turn away or stop looking at her she'd wave her arm off at them. Crazy kid.

It went too fast and the final goodbyes were as hard as ever. Getting on the scale once I was home was no trip to the zoo either. I gained between 6-8 pounds while vacationing which was to be expected, really.

When we got back I turned on my cell phone to have a wonderful voice mail from one of the recruiters I've been working with asking me to call her because she had a position she thought I'd be interested in. (I've been looking for a new job since January). So in less than 30 minutes after arriving home (on Monday) I had an interview lined up for the very next morning. I went to the interview on Tuesday and by Wednesday evening I had an offer and accepted it! I typed out my resignation letter that night and on my first day back from vacation I gave my boss my one month notice. My God what a week!

Then of course we're all dealing with jet lag and Sadie had her 14 month shots Thursday which has made her feverish, whiny, clingy and just not feeling well. Poor girl. That combined with jet lag had kept her up about every hour through the night which is killing Marco and I. I hope she gets it worked out soon because Mommy is looking rough to say the least.

speak of the devil...

We've arrived!

Just a quick note to let you all know we've arrived safe and sound, with all luggage, dog...the works... and everything went smooth and, really, better than we ever could have expected a trip with a 13 month old to go. We're working out the sleep issues but otherwise having a super duper time so far!

In all the excitement building up to our vacation, today is a bit bittersweet. Today would have been my Grandma's birthday had she not passed away, way too soon. I never know if she was born in 1934 or 1936 but I know it was one of those so she would have been 75 or 73 this year. Every year when the calendar rolls around to the 1st of September I'm already anticipating the sadness that the 5th will bring followed by the equally if not more sad day September 6th which is the actual day she passed away.

I always wonder what she would have thought of Marco. I know she would have loved him simply because he loved me. That's the type of person she was, always had extra room in her heart to love somebody. She always gave the underdog a chance and saw the best in people even when nobody else wanted to see it. Not that Marco is an underdog! HAHA But that's the type of person she was, always loving, always forgiving and always there to give you whatever it was you needed.

I don't wonder if she would have loved Sadie. I know she would have. I do wish my little girl wouldn't have had to miss out on knowing her though.

I guess I can look at it another way though. I'm heading home to Illinois on Monday to visit my family and friends and after a few weeks I'll come back home to Holland, but my Grandma is with me here all the time.

I love you Grandma. Happy Birthday.

I'm alive! And being the example!

Geesh! I didn't realize I didn't check in last week and now it's Wednesday already and I hadn't checked in this week. What a slacker. I guess if I had more exciting news to share I'd be sure to be here more often. Although the news wasn't too bad on the scale. I didn't lose anything last week but I didn't gain either and now this week I lost 0.3 kilo so I'm "down" to 121 even. In my head, for some reason, I want to be at 119 when we depart for Illinois. I don't know why that number is in my head but it is so it's a super duper mini goal considering I leave for the US in just a mere 3 weeks! YAY!

Last time we were home was over Christmas and that was the 1st time almost everybody had met my daughter Sadie, and this time she's such a different kid! I can't wait for everybody to see her again and even more, I can't wait to see everybody.

A friend of mine just got back from a month long hiatus in the US and gained 8 pounds while there. I just know how easy that is to do while on vacation, especially when coming from Holland and going to the US, (aka land of over sized everything, including portions of food!). I haven't decided how I am going to treat this vacation. I mean, of course my goal is not to pack on the pounds but do I want to really be super careful while I'm there? Is there a balance that I can find in the middle somewhere?

I guess it's all in how you look at food. Am I going to treat it as part of my vacation or am I going to look at it as "it's just something my body needs in order to live" while on vacation? I wish for the latter but the former has always won out in the past. I don't see this time being a huge difference to be totally honest. I can't help but be more conscious about my choices though. I would just be totally irresponsible of me not to PLUS now Sadie is also eating what we're eating so that automatically makes me think twice before ordering.

Speaking of which... I talked about a public service announcement contest that I had entered at work. Well I didn't win so now I can tell you what my idea was because to this day it still helps me when making food choices.

The task was to create a Public Service Announcement that would be 8-10 second while being read and it had to deal with a health issue. There was a list of issues to choose from and naturally I gravitated to obesity. So I wrote my campaign with "Be the example"as my mantra. This is what I came up with:

They parrot
They mime
They mirror
They follow your lead
(Over 9 million American children are overweight or obese)
It’s up to you
BE THE EXAMPLE!

Now maybe it isn't strong when read, but when shown as a PSA on TV you would see things like (or at least in my head this was what I was imaging):

a toddler with his Mom. You here the baby softly say"mama" - "They parrot"
a child stirring a bowl along side a parent mixing in another bowl, - "They mime"
a child sitting next to Daddy learning to tie his shoe like Daddy does - "They mirror"
a group of children playing follow the leader, the leader being an adult. -"They follow your lead"

"Over 9 million American children are overweight or obese" this wouldn't be spoken, it would just appear on the screen to be read.

a child giving a DVD to their parent, who is sitting on the couch watching TV - "It's up to you"
that same little family outside on bikes, or playing a sport, or swimming - "BE THE EXAMPLE"

For me, this "Be the Example" has stuck in my head. With every food choice I make in front of Sadie and even when she's not around I think "Be the Example". When I grab a snack from the table at work and I choose a banana rather than a fun size candy bar (and whose idea of fun is so damned tiny?) I walk past my colleague's office, showing off my banana and we both say "Be the Example!".

It may not have won any contests but it's done so much for me already and it can leak into all aspects of my/your life. Don't want your child to smoke? Be the example. You want your child lead a Christian life? Be the example. You want your child to treat others with respect? Be the example. You want your "team" to work together to finish the huge project? Be the example. You want the other drivers to let you in during a traffic jam? Quit flipping them the bird and BE THE EXAMPLE! (plus I totally believe in car karma, if I let one car in I will be rewarded in the same manner down the road somewhere)

It just works for me. I want Sadie to be a well adjusted, healthy little human who has positive relationships with people AND food, so what better way to show her how to do that than to be the example for her? I'm not perfect and I have a lot of work to do and a way to go but I will and am trying to be the best example I can be for her.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

I did get on the scale yesterday and was pleasantly suprised. After baking (and eating) a practice cake for sadie's birthday and then baking (and eating) the real cake for Sadie's birthday I was expecting the numbers to shoot through the roof but I survived bake-a-thon 2009 with minimal damage. A mere .7 kilos was gained. Of course the name of the game is weight LOSS, not GAIN but it was an exceptional week and I have to allow for that.

I have just 5 weeks before I'm on vacation in the USA, visiting family and friends and celebrating my 33rd birthday. I am so very excited and looking forward to it. Now it's nose to the grind stone with the weight loss!

I hope you all are having healthy and successful weeks!

This time last year

At this time last year I was in full-blown-no-turning-back-ouch-holy$%$#%$$-that-hurts-elp-me-god labor. And they say you forget the pain. HA! She was sooooo worth it though.

Twitter

I've googled "twitter" for the first time today because I'm curious as to what all the buzz is about. I went directly to the homepage and saw where I could register. The home page boasts "Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?"

I belong(ed) to facebook and myspace. (I've recently deleted my myspace account because I just can't keep up with it all and all of my friends who were on that website were also on facebook.) I love my family and friends. I really do. I do want to know how they're doing, what they're up to... but this obsession with the internet to keep tabs on everybody, to know what everybody is thinking every second of every day "in real time" as twitter brags, it's exhausting and eats away at precious time. I log onto facebook and have to actally think of something to say that is interesting enough to enough people to actually bother to write about it. Most of the time it's just not there but I still feel compelled to update.

So how many ways do we need to keep in touch with one another? I have my blog. I also have Sadie's blog. To be fully honest MOST of my family and friends probably don't even read them even though it would be so easy to keep up with us that way yet I keep them up to date as much as I can just in case somebody wants to know what's been happening in our lives.

I'm on Linked In.

There's my cell phones with text messaging. That's 24 hour access to me.

There is email that I feel compelled to check multiple times throughout the day for a variety of reasons. It's just natural with my family being an ocean away that I want to see "what's up".

At work I have another email account that I must check daily.

I do/did belong to 3 different internet message boards that I wanted to keep up with, each with their own "specialty" topics.

There are the other blogs that I want to keep up with, my fellow weight loss bloggers, my Post Secret thrill every Sunday morning... the whole lot.

Then there is facebook. The biggest time sucker. I'm taking quizzes, answering polls, sending hugs, throwing Justin Timberlake at people... it's never ending, the action on facebook. I have decided I am going to only have "friends" on there that I know in real life and it ends up I know a whole lot of people.

So now I'm thinking "do I have to keep up with the Jones's" and join the most recent, life altering, best-thing-ever, must have internet tool and join the masses who are twittering? I'm exhausted just writing about keeping up with another tool. When did all of our lives become so damned interesting that we've deemed it necessary to share every "I'm walking the dog" or "I'm going to bed" or "I'm dreading work"?

Maybe it's just my mundane life that makes me feel un-twitter-worthy but really, do you really want to know? Don't I share enough in all of the other places? If there were no internet how much of my life would remain private with the small handfuls of exceptions in which I would share my "juicy bits" with? Who would know the struggles I've had with my weight? Who would know the personal hell that was our infertility? Who would know the true elation that was my pregnancy? Who would once again know of the emotional battle I struggle with daily in regards to my food issues? When is enough, enough?

Today. Today enough is enough for me. I'm not joining twitter. It's nothing personal against the website. I'm sure it's lovely. I'm going to focus on me for a while and by that I mean I will keep up with my blog. And probably facebook. And Sadie's blog. I'll answer my emails both at home and at work. You can reach me by phone both at home and my mobile. I will still occasionally visit my message boards You will not, however, find me twittering. Not today. Not now. Not ever.

I was down another pound this Tuesday so woohoo for me. I'll try and post something a bit beefier later!

I can't believe I forgot to update on Tuesday when I weighed in because it was actually GOOD news I get to share! I was down 1.5 kilos or roughly 3 pounds! So yay! We only have 7 weeks to go before we're in the US so getting anywhere near the weight I was hoping for before then is just impossible, which is extremely disappointing, but I am still going to plug along and try and get as much off as possible. Let's just hope I can keep the momentum.

Thank you

Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. We made it through the week and I kept in close contact with my Mom, which really helped. It is so hard being here but you just have to do what you have to do sometimes.

In other events, remember when I was talking about my "life plate" being extremely full and all of the stress I've been dealing with which has negatively effected my life, especially my weight loss efforts, well it still is a madhouse around here, but in the upcoming weeks/months I am hoping that things will turn around for me. I can't disclose too much information right now but as soon as I can you all will be the first to know. Just keep your fingers crossed for me in the upcoming weeks, okay?

In weight loss news, well, there isn't much to report to be honest. I'm doing what I can when I can and I am sneaking in exercise a heck of a lot more often in the past weeks than I have for a long time but nothing seems to be budging. I do, however, have a lot more energy. This is a combination of Sadie sleeping better (I don't dare say it too loud for fear of jinxing myself) and making myself get up and move. Nothing makes you want to get up and move like getting up and actually moving. It's funny how exercise works that way. I'm going to start bike riding again (thanks for the inspiration Jen!).

Food has always been the toughest part for me though and it still is. I think it always will be. We had a contest at work recently where we were asked to write a 7-10 second (when read) public service announcement (psa) for a health issue of our choice from the given list. Then they're judged and the top 5 PSA's writers are shipped a video camera to then record your psa. Then the company will vote on the best of the 5 and the winner will get a trip to New York or LA to watch their announcement be shown on TV for the first time (and I think they professionally shoot the announcement as well). Naturally my mind immediately went to obesity, especially childhood obesity. I came up with a slogan that has echoed in my head since well before I was pregnant with Sadie and it's honestly what made me get on this weight loss journey in the first place. It's what helped me lose 72+ pounds before my pregnancy and it's what is going to get the weight back off now. I don't think I can share the slogan I came up with right now, until the winners of the contest are chosen (because you know I'm planning on winning), so I guess this is all a little tease but the whole point is...since actually writing this slogan out on paper (well computer screen) and submitting it, it has echoed in my head every single day, with every decision I make. It has already effected me so who knows, maybe it will be chosen as the winner and then it can echo in your head as well. I'll keep you posted.

I did get on the scale on Tuesday with no movement from the prior weeks. I hopped on this morning to see a slight decrease in numbers but Tuesday is the official day so let's hope I can drop some serious poundage by then.

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks and thanks again for all of your kindness.

Very sad news

My Grandpa passed away on the 4th of July. My Mom called to tell me the news and joked that he would have wanted to go out "with a bang". How fitting. How typical that my Mom would try to cheer me up with a joke when she'd just lost her father. I don't even want to imagine the grief she's filled with.

I feel a bit...helpless...I guess. It's never easy being far away from family but it's never so boldly apparent as to the vast space between us as it is in time like these.

I think with every death comes along a long wish list that will never be fulfilled. Those boxes will never be ticked. I wish I would have seen him a couple more times last time we were home. I wish I would have asked him all of the things I've always wondered about him. I wish he would have gotten so know Sadie better. I wish I would have been able to be there and comfort him or his wife or my mom or my uncles or my siblings or my cousins in those last few days.

They're having a memorial sevice on Wednesday. I wish I could be there. Not just for them, but for me, to say goodbye. I will miss him. I love you Grandpa Gene.

Well the scale didn’t budge much. I am down a whopping 0.3 kilos from last week but I am still at 123. I have serious work to do. Serious.work. I just feel like yelling at my fat “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WIN SO YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE UP NOW”. Do you think it will listen?

Good news, bad news and #*$&% news too.

I did really well this weekend with my eating. I've loaded our fridge with fruits and veggies and have tried to stave off the unnecessary snacks with drinking extra water. Unfortunately with the hot and humid weather here I am still retaining an obscene amount of water and my tootsies are swollen nice and puffy. So that was the good news, I ate well.

The bad news is that my Mom called me to tell my that my Grandpa is in extremely poor health with his second bout of cancer and his doctors don't think he'll make it another two weeks. It is so so so hard being here in Holland when things like this happen. I really thought we'd be able to see him in September when we're in the US. All I want to do is see my Grandpa and say goodbye, hug my Mom and comfort her as she prepares to lose her parent and be with my family. The guilt I feel for living here when my family needs me is overwhelming at times but the worst is just the feeling of utter helplessness.

The #*&$*#@ news is that it's summer holidays and airlines think it's fair to charge 4 times as much for a plane ticket as they would any other time and even with a "bereavement" discount it's still 4 times more than our regular ticket. In fact, it's more than what we're paying to fly home in September for all 4 of us (me, husband, baby and dog). It's the same trip (Amsterdam to St. Louis), same plane, the same amount of fuel, the same seat, the same shitty meal so why the HUGE inflation in price. I realize it's "business" but I find it absolutely sick that somebody somewhere in the whole air travel business can't/wont help me to get a fair and reasonable price to make it home for my Grandpa. It's also partially our fault for not having an emergency stash for instances like this (we will for now on) but it would still sicken me to pay quadruple the amount as usual just because it's June.

So that's the good, bad and %%$#^# news.

Ummm... pizza and ice cream wasn't exactly on the "healthy" menu yesterday but it's what Marco choose for supper. Granted, I didn't put up a hostile fight but I did let him know that we're going to be eating much healthier from now on and I'm going to need him to be more supportive. He was totally on board, no problem. I love my husband!

As I predicted yesterday, I didn’t lose today. I gained ½ kilo (1.1lb) according to last weeks weigh in but nonetheless, I feel more positive and upbeat about really getting some weight off than I have felt in a long, long time. I feel more like “myself”. I think much of it has to do with the baby sleeping a wee bit better. She’s not a stellar sleeper yet but she’s at least giving us a small break for the time being, where we’re not up with her every two or three hours. It’s been a godsend. I know so many of you have commented on how sleep deprivation is a form of torture and we’ve discussed this at length at work as well and I can TOTALLY see how horribly it effects not only my mood but my over all well being. I have always been a person who needs a decent amount of sleep and I knew that would be affected once I became a mother but I swear I have never heard of a baby who sleeps as little or as restlessly as Sadie does and we have TONS of babies in my family…tons! There was just no way to prepare myself for this kind of sleep deprivation or for the length of time it would last.

Today I am focusing on getting in all of my water. I did well yesterday but half way through my can of diet orange Fanta yesterday afternoon I remembered I wasn’t drinking soda anymore. I did really well with not snacking last night after the healthy salad I ate for dinner. It was the right way to start off my week and it was really what I needed. So I’m actually not dreading this week, weight loss wise. I’m looking forward to it as a matter of fact.

Welcome back me!

One day at a time

So I am feeling quite swollen and puffy today (ugh, period) which is never a good sign right before a weigh in but I woke up today with a MUCH better attitude than I’ve had towards losing weight in a long, long, well overdue time so even if tomorrow isn’t what I hope for on the scale I know the next week will be successful for me. I’ve been too focused, mentally, on “I have to lose X amount by September” and what I really need to do is take this one week, one weigh in and even one day at a time. Today, I am doing to drink water, no soda, eat a reasonable sized lunch (taking myself AWAY from the table as it’s way to easy to graze while chatting with my colleagues), have a healthy supper and no late evening snacking. That’s what I’m doing today.

BLAH!

My weight was the same this week as it was last week. Next week it WILL be lower! It just will. Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!

Anybody have any cheese 'cause I'm bring the "whine"

Geesh. I didn't realize it had been so long since I blogged. I guess when you feel like you're not making any headway it's easy to put your weight loss blog on the back burner, huh?

I did get on the scale last Tuesday for my usual weekly weigh in and I was 123 which is still about the same, a little smidgeon less, than what I've been for... oh ... for EVER! I did tell myself though, I am going to lose at least one kilo this week. I don't know if it'll happen but at least I made a pseudo-rah-rah-you-can-do-it cheer in my head to try an uplift my spirits which seem to be on a rather long downward spiral to shitsville for the longest time now.

The closer my vacation to the US in September gets the more and more I know I need to drop some serious poundage to be able to do some ever more serious shopping for clothing but most of all I want my ample rear to be able to fit oh-so-comfy in the freaking bulkhead seats, which is where they place all parents with little ones as it's more "roomy". Of course if you have an ass the size of Texas you can barely squeeze yourself into the seat as the arms don't move up and within minutes your thighs are numb and you're feet are tingling from lack of bloodflow. Yeah, that's the way I want to spend my 8+ hour flight.

I tried doing some clothing shopping here the other day and I am in quite the "situation". My top half is still where I was pre-pregnancy but my lower half (a.k.a. Tex-ass) is two sizes bigger. I am not a person who tucks in their shirts because I'm just not comfortable that way being my size. I like my shirts to hit me about thigh length, not too short and not too long. Well in order to get my shirt around my un-small thighs without looking like a sausage I have to wear it two sizes too big on the top half of my body. This makes me look frumpy as hell and also leaves my shirt gaping open for the whole world to enjoy my boobage any time I bend the slightest bit over. I refuse to spend any sort of decent money on clothing because I am still holding onto the dream that I am going to lose this weight (again!) so it doesn't make sense in my head to pay more for tayloring than I paid for the entire article of clothing. Seriously though, I have one t-shirt that I can wear this summer and maybe 2 or 3 shirts that are office appropriate. I'm already sick of seeing myself in them and one of them needs ironed, which, as we all know good and well, ironing is the devil and I super suck at it. Thank God my office is super casual and I can get away with wearing just some t-shirts with jeans but I still have to find the t-shirt.

So I've freaking had it. I am losing this weight once and for all. I refuse to keep pansy-assing around. (Is pansy-assing a word because it felt really good to say it). Yeah, I'm exhausted from the baby still not sleeping through the night but I'm just going to have to deal with it in another, more healthy way.

I hope you are all doing well. I will try and post updates way more often as I know how it is to check a blog and not see an update day after day after day. Eventually you just quit checking!

DONE!

It's in the mail. I actually did it. I mailed my manuscript today. Now it's just a waiting game.

I did not step on the scale this morning for reasons beyond me but I have a feeling I know the results. I either gained or stayed the same. This is what happens when you don't change anything, things stay the same.

I keep telling myself "you have to do this" but with every day that goes by I keep "not doing this"... whatever "this" is. The fact of the matter is, I don't HAVE to do anything. I want to do it. I should do it. But really I don't HAVE to do anything.

So, that's where I am...kind of in no man's land. I'm surely not motivated but if I wait for motivation to come I'll be a hefty 300 pounds again in no time at all. I just need to buck up, quit my bitching, stop the excuses and regain control again.

We'll see if it happens. I don't have much faith.

Inspiring!

"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be” - George Sheehan

I read that quote on a friend's facebook page and was totally inspired. It really seemed to hit home with me because this week I am doing something that I've wanted to do for such a long time but just never had the guts to do it.

I am sending one of my stories (a children's book I wrote) to a publisher to see if they will accept my manuscript and allow me to actually BE a writer! Now I haven't been accepted (yet!), in fact, it's not even in the post, but just the actual act of getting the query letter done, doing a final 'once-over' on the story and printing everything on paper... that's just made my entire week... and it's only Monday!

So thank you George Sheehan for summing up my actions this week... I believe I am meant to be a writer in some way, shape or form and this week I am determined to at least TRY and be successful at it. I am throwing my whole "if you don't ever try then you don't really fail" theory out the window. I'm trying!

I hope you all are having inspired, healthy, successful weeks!

I did weigh in on Tuesday and I had every intention of posting about it but I really haven't had the time (sorry Keith, I owe you an email!). I was down a kilo but then I stepped on it again two days later and was back to where I was the week before. Who freaking knows.

I'm still feeling pretty blah. I still have little to no energy for anything. Most days I can barely drag myself from bed to go to hell...er...work. I mean work. The baby is still up 4 times a night every night and seriously, if we don't Ferberize her soon Mommy is going to pull all of those nice new hairs she has growing in right out of her head... and then some.

I get so sick of sounding like a broken record on here. Lost 1, gained 1, didn't sleep, can't sleep, baby didn't sleep, lost 1 gained 1, lather, rinse, repeat. There has to be more to life than just sleeping and eating or not sleeping and trying not to eat. I just need a balance and a weeks worth of good night rests.

Didn't happen

So the whole "cutting sugar for a mere two weeks" didn't happen. At.all. The very first morning I went to work knowing I could eat the Greek yogurt, apple and banana that would be there waiting for me. We always have fresh fruit available to us on the snack tables (yeah, we have snack tables at work that are stocked daily) and I had just bought some yogurt on Friday and left half of the container there. I didn't eat breakfast at home, obviously, so I was hungry by time I got to work. Well the snack table was out of apples...and bananas. Oh well, I would just eat my yogurt plain...only I got to the fridge and my yogurt was frozen solid and somebody had knocked the lid off so it was all gross inside. So no breakfast for me led to eating a snack bar later. Then at lunch I forgot that I wasn't eating sugar and had a half a sandwich with Nutella. I remembered later in the afternoon and laughed at my efforts so far. You definitely need a better plan than on Sunday night saying "I'm going to cut out sugar" and not make any preparations for the days ahead. Then as my day got busier and the next day came and went I forgot about my goal all together.

I did weigh in this morning to see 124.2 on the scale (kilos). I've been hovering between 122 and 124 for, well what seems like forever now. I know it's been months. I'm actually sick of talking about it to be honest.

Then Marco actually gave me the "are you trying to lose weight" question a few weeks back, which of course sent me into a crying, hurt feelings, my husband hates me, fit. We talked it out though and he's going to try and be more supportive (not suggest McDonald's for lunch) and I'm going to try to be less nonchalant about the issue at hand. It was actually a really good talk.

We're coming "home" in September and I really want to be able to buy some decent clothes in a much smaller size instead of buying big clothes again while I'm waiting for the weight to magically drop off my ass.

So there you go. We'll see what this week will bring. I'll just keep on keeping on until I get back into my groove.

Just going to throw this out there...

I've been thinking about cutting out all sugar from my diet for a two week time period. I don't know why, just to see if I can, really. It's bizarro, I know, especially since I've been feeling so "pressured" lately regarding my weight loss. Of course, I apply the pressure myself so it's my own fault but I've just been tossing this idea around in my head and think I actually may attempt it.

I will admit I was inspired by my colleague, Georgia, who gave up sugars during Lent, even though she's not religious. She says she does it every once in a while just to see if she can. What made me go hmmmmmmm was when she said "well it actually makes things more simplified. When it's time to have a meal or snack I don't even feel tempted because I know "I'm not doing that right now" so it makes choosing healthier food, easier. As we all know, weight loss is such a mental game and what she said made so much sense.

I think I'll try it. Set a goal for two weeks without sugar (foods, with sugar, like ice cream, chocolate, etc but NOT including fruits, which are a natural sugar) and start it tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

still alive

I'm still alive and kicking. I'm still in a "funk" about what I am doing with my weight loss but I'm defiantly (misspelling of definitely or maybe subconsciously...) still trying to lose weigh. How hard I'm trying is the true question.

In other news... I have posted some pictures on Sadie's blog and people at work have been commenting on my new "bangs" (fringe for you Aussies). I actually have started to be able to laugh about these bangs as I realize they look absolutely, incredibly, ridiculous. Some people have said, side eyed, "oh, did you cut your hair" or when they're talking to me I see their eyes drift to my upper upper upper forehead to where the little hairs peek out from my hairline in about an inch long strand of kindergarten bangs. I can't help but say to them "quit looking at my hair" and then they generally ask the same line of question "did you cut your hair". And I'm sure they don't mean "did somebody at a SALON do this to your head" what they really want to say is "what in the hell were you thinking when you cut your hair so short that you look like, well, a blind-in-one-eye 4 year old who got a hold of the scissors".

Thank God I have a sense of humor. You see, I didn't cut my hair at all. Nor did anybody at the salon give me these glorious kiddy bangs. After my pregnancy, when Sadie was about 4 months old my hair started falling out. I think I told you guys this. It fell out in handfuls and I was sure I'd be bald by the end of it. Well about 1.5 months of it and as quickly as it started, it stopped. Whew. Baldness averted. But now those little bastards are growing back in and I look absolutely ridiculous. I can't do anything with them and they just hang out straight across my big ole forehead screaming "look at what this clown did with the scissors!". And I'm sure it's what the people who don't have the balls enough to ask, think.

Oh yes, after I explain the situation, showing the bald patches on my temples, people say "ooooooohhhhh! I see. They don't look so bad" or "no, it's fresh, I like it" but I know the truth. I look bizarro. Thank God my hair grows quickly.

I've actually contemplated going to get REAL bangs cut to cover these little wispy bangs but the reason I didn't have bangs in the first place is because I hate them. They make me look like a kid and, although I am no longer a spring chicken, looking 12 isn't quite the look I was going for either.

What's even funnier is I have cut my own bangs before in the past, when I was working at Walgreens. I was getting ready for work and having a bad hair day (decade) and out came Mom's orange handled scissors and voila, I was immediately 12 again. Why oh why do we do such things to ourselves?

Oh well, there isn't anything I can do about it but ride out the storm, endure the "looks" and laugh at myself. I mean, look at them, who couldn't laugh?


See my little bity bangs? (and my super cute daughter?)

Another shot of the tiny row of hair (and the super cute baby in her swim suit!)

I'll be back later this week to talk more "shop" and let you know if I weigh in on Tuesday.

Against my plan...

I was planning on a hiatus from the scale for a couple week to give myself a "break" not only physically but also mentally but my curiosity got the best of me. I was expecting the worst and really was surprised. I gained 0.7 kilos or 1.5 lbs but with the way I've been feeling lately I was expecting a lot worse.

I'm not sure what my plan of action is right now. Of course, ideally, I would be eating great, full of energy, exercising regularly and looking forward to the week ahead of me. Realistically, I'm eating okay, zapped out of energy, exercise is a dirty 7 letter word and I'm just trying to get through each day.

I don't mean to be a debbie downer and I think it must sound so much worse when I'm typing it out than it actually is in real life. I just have no focus right now when it comes to weight loss which is actually the time when I need to be most aware of what I am doing with my health and body. It only takes a few slippery steps down the path of over eating and self medicating with food and before you know it weeks have gone by and you haven't made one conscious effort to get yourself back on track. I definitely don't want to go down that path (again). I also can't pick myself up and jog down the path of weight loss righteousness either. I guess I'm in a bit of limbo, just coasting by on autopilot.

I'll keep you all posted.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everybody! Easter was never a huge holiday at our house, not like Thanksgiving or Christmas, so now that I'm away from "home" I tend to forget about this holiday altogether. I managed to get Sadie some colored eggs from the store but otherwise, it's same old same old around here. No basket, no special chocolates, no nothing. Plus, Marco's working all day today so we're not even together. We are, however, supposed to go see Jennifer and Quint (and maybe Danny) so that's fun!

I'm still unsure where I am with my weight loss. As I said in my last post, I didn't weigh myself Tuesday. I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now that I just want to jump off of the train of life at the next small town and just disappear into the background for a while. Of course with life you can't always do that, you have responsibilities, commitments, bills to pay... but that's just how I'm feeling right now, so caught up in everything. I'm not sleeping well again, my mind is constantly racing with thoughts but I hope within the next weeks or even a month I will have some peace with a few of the things that are going on that are causing me to want to rebel against myself. By that time I can share a bit more with you all and you'll understand more of what I'm talking about. Sorry to be so aloof.

I'm not letting this be an excuse to totally jump off the weight loss bandwagon, no worries there. I am just riding on the wagon letting the horses run on auto-pilot, which I guess wouldn't be auto-pilot but auto-coach-driver. Well that's what I always imagine when people are talking about the "wagon", an old John Wayne western wagon with a team of horses pulling it. So I'm just taking things day by day. Not looking ahead. Not pressuring myself. Just letting me "be".

I hope you all are having Happy Easters!

For the first time (purposely at least)

I'm not weighing in tomorrow. I am making a conscious choice to wake up and not get on the scale. This is the first time I have ever purposely not weighed myself since I began losing weight in 2006. I don't know if it's necessarily the "right" thing to do, but it's what I'm doing.

This was not a good week for me. I have been emotionally eating like crazy and just don't want to face the scale. I know what I did, I don't need the numbers to prove it. I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically and I don't want to. I even told Marco this week "I give up. I can't do it" which I know is utter bullshit because I did it before. Of course now I have a 8 month old baby who still isn't sleeping through the night (she's still up at least 2-3 times a night) which throws a wrench in my physical and mental well being and my body is still adjusting it's hormone (they say it takes a year after birth to get back into whack, which is what I guess you do since you are said to be "out of whack"). But really, right now I am feeling like I can't do this and I'm also feeling like I just don't care.

So, that's how I feel today. And yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. I just can't be bothered to care right now. I'm not sleeping well (even when the baby IS sleeping), I'm too much "in my head" and I just never have been good at getting into bed, pushing thoughts aside, relaxin and going to sleep. I'm constantly thinking.

It's a shame. I "could" be back at my pre-pregnancy weight before I get home to the US if I worked my tail off and just did what I "should" be doing until September.

Who knows... maybe I will.

Have ya seen this yet?

Baked gnocchi with wilted spinach in a veloute sauce. Nuf said!

Liar Liar pants on fire!

Yeah, so as I was updating my stats on the side I thought it was strange that I was 269 and earned my Zumba... it seemed like too much weight from what I remember. So I went back and checked and turns out... I am still, as of Tuesday, 0.3 kilos away from what I needed to be to get my reward. I made a mistake with the amount I needed to lose. And being the honest person I am, unfortunately, I didn't get my DVD's yet. I am, however, bound and freaking determined that this week I will be the proud owner of that damn DVD set that's haunting me. By time I get these stupid DVD's there will be the next exercise craze taking over and it'll be like I'm Sweating to the Oldies.

In the meanwhile, I bought 'My Fitness Coach' for the Wii and have been working out for 30 minutes of cardio every other day. So far I really love it.

My food intake has been good. I've slacked on putting my food into the My Fitness Pal website because my life is just freaking busy right now and my computer at home (yeah, I'm blogging from work.. on my lunch hour!) is a P.O.S. and takes forever to do anything on. I have a lot on my life "plate" right now, some of which I cannot divulge publically, not because I'm embarrassed or that it's illegal, I just can't say it out loud quite yet. It will suffice to say I am a bit stressed for free time.

So that's the it of it! I hope you all are having healthy successful weeks!

Shake it! Shake it! Shake it!

122.7! I earned the Zumba! With a loss of 1.2 kilos or 2.64 lbs I finally made it past my first 5 kilos treshold and get to order my Zumba DVD's!

To be continued...

I'm going to be an Aunt!

My sister in law is in labor right now. Seriously...right now. It'll be their first child and I've been on pins and needles all day waiting! I can't believe my baby brother is going to be a Daddy. They don't know the sex and haven't shared any names. It's so exciting! This will be my parent's 13th grandbaby but every time is just so special and exciting!

Come on baby Kelly! Auntie Sarah and Uncle Marco can't wait to hear all about you! And Sadie will be glad not to be the "baby" any more. She's got all kinds of fun things to teach you. You're already so loved!

If your tush has office chair imprints

Then you may want to check out this article "50 Ways to Lose Weight While at Work".

p.s. Don't attempt the "magic carpet ride" for the first time with other's around. You chair could go zooming out from under you causing great distress... to your ego. This, of course, is hypothetically speaking. It did not, I repeat, did not, happen to me.

123.9 or 272.58 lbs was the number this morning. That's a gain of 1.3 kilos or 2.86 lbs. Not quite the 0.3 I was hoping to lose. Not quite at all.

I also started my period and feel lousy.

What a fun day.

What a week...

This was a week for celebrations... firstly, I had a great loss on Tuesday when I weighed in. Woohoo!

Then it was my colleague's birthday and she brought chocolate muffins to work. Happy Birthday Noor!

Yesterday was Jennifer's birthday party and we had a good old American celebration at Hard Rock Cafe complete with nachos, chickens strips, some type of egg roll thingy, burgers and of course cake (2 cupcakes actually which were so freaking delicious). Sadie and Quint were so cute together and I had the chance to meet a ton of great people, many who were fellow Americans.

I won my fight with the insurance company and they'll be paying us back the money they owe from November and December 2008. That's a huge victory after a bloody, complaint filled, nasty cycle of phone calls, letters and frustration. Whew, that is cause for celebration!

With all of this celebrating though, it makes me wonder if the spirit of this week will continue on next week with Tuesday's weigh in. As you may recall I only need to drop a mere 0.3 kilos or 0.66 lbs. With all of this celebrating (although some of it didn't involve food) will I be on my way to Zumba-ing away my next 5 kilos or will my lack of restraint (and trust me, there was total lack of restraint) get the best of me and push back my latin prize for yet another week?

Stay tuned as my saga continues...

And if you look to your left...

You'll see two new blog rolls have been added to my site, one for healthy cooking and another for just plain old throw-a-stick-of-lard-4-whole-eggs-and-two-cups-of-sugar-in-it, not necessarily healthy, but not all evil, cooking blogs. Please let me know if you have problems when clicking into them or have further suggestions to add to either list!

I hope you all are having healthy, successful weeks!

1.7 kilos (3.74 lbs) gone!

Woohoo! Great numbers on the scale this morning which starts my week off perfectly. Of course I needed to lose 2 kilos even before I get my "reward" of Zumba DVD's but now I'm a mere 0.3 kilos to get there. Next week that prize will be mine!

I was actually quite surprised to see such a loss. I had an okay week but it wasn't anything execptional. I didn't log my food intake for a few days just due to tiredness. I did some extra exercising as the weather has been exceptionally beautiful as of late and it's great to get outside with Sadie. I was very conscious of what I ate with the exception of one meal and I guess it payed off.

If you'll be so kind as to notice I've added a list of rewards on the left hand side of my blog. You'll also notice that many of them are left blank. I think rewarding yourself for your hard work is necessary in the weight loss world but I'm having a hard time coming up with different things use. It doesn't have to be expensive or anything, sometimes just a simple book or "afternoon off" from everything works. I have a love (obsession may be the better choice of words here) of shoes but they're impossible for me to buy in the Netherlands due to my oversided large wide shoe size. Seriously, impossible to find cute ones. I collect Russian Matrioska Dolls but I have enough of those for now. I don't buy jewlery or hand bags really, I'm a pretty basic girl. I definately don't want to reward myself with food, that's totally counterproductive for me! So any grand ideas of how you like to treat yourself, by all means share!

I hope you all are having healthy successful weeks!

a loss is a loss is a loss is a loss (so they say)

124.3 kilos or 273.4 lbs is what I weighed-in at this morning. And my .02 about those numbers... well I really can't complain considering the pie binge I had during the week. That's a mere 0.2 kilo or 0.44 lbs less than last Tuesday. Not exactly the numbers I hope to get each week but this is a proces.

This brings me closer to my goal of dropping my first 5 kilos and now I need to lose 2 kilos flat (4.4 lbs) in order to get my Zumba! I think I'll be dancing away in the next two weeks. That's my goal at least.

I'll update my stats on the side a little later today. Hope you all are having healthy successful weeks!

An okay week

There was an incident. On Wednesday. It involved pie. Cherry pie. With a shortbread crust. It involved meringue (although I can't spell it or be bothered to look it up). It also involved me. It involved a binge and the number 3. It involved inhaling. It involved regret. There were tears. It wasn't pretty. It's over now. I hope it doesn't happen again.

The day of "the cherry pie incident" I was obviously over my calorie intake that I've been religiously logging daily on the website My Fitness Pal. That's been the only day I went over this week though and as I always preach, nothing is done or undone in one snack (even one 3-slice of chery pie binge) so I just picked myself off, wiped away the shortbread crumbs and tears and started again, again.

This week is a tough week for me in general. It's the week that Marco works evenings so neither of us get much sleep through the night. Sadie is still up 2 to 3 times a night and for the past two weeks things seem to be getting worse, not better. For whatever reason she can't seem to get comfy. When we lay her down she tosses and turns trying to get into a comfy position. If she's on her belly she shoves her booty in the air and turns to the side, flinging her arm beind her as if she wants to roll over. Yeah, THAT looks comfy. If we put her on her back she kicks her legs in the air repeatedly until she's woken herself up, fully. It's almost like it's a reflex that she can't help but I don't understand why. She's always had the startle reflex problem but it was better for a long time and now it just seems to be exaggerated. If we put her on her side she does okay but isn't strong enough to balance herself and eventually flops over to her back, legs kicking in the air ensues. She's also got bloody nose problems due to the dryness in the air. We've added moisture to her room and are using salt water nasal spray but she's still not quite blood/booger free which irritates her and wakes her up as well.

Ahhhhhhhhh speak of the devil, there she is. I hope you are all having healthy successful weeks!

Kissing one more pound goodbye!

I was really happy this morning when I got on the scale to see 124.5 kilo (273.9 lbs) staring me in the eye. It means I've had another successful week and dropped another pound. Actually, I must be honest here, I thought I dropped two pounds which is why I was so happy but then when I came to post I realized I was 125 last week so only dropped one pound not two BUT I am not complaining in the least.

I have been doing well logging in my food with My Fitness Pal but I must admit it can be a tad frustrating for me in the beginning since it's an American site and all of my food is Dutch. I don't have the same brands so most of the food I end up putting in manually. Then the Dutch labels aren't required to "share" as much nutritional info as the FDA requires so I am missing some information on my foods. Thank God I'm pretty boring and eat all of the same things all of the time so within a couple weeks I should have all of my foods saved in there.

I still want to add some more components to my blog, like a list of healthy food/recipe blogs (thanks for the suggestions in my post below and keep them coming!) and a list of my goals and rewards for reaching those goals.

Speaking of rewards...after dropping my first 5 kilos (from the weight I was at the weigh in after Marco and I made the deal, not 129.9) (which I'm still working at) I was supposed to spoil myself with a massage but now I'm thinking that I would much rather have the Zumba dvd's that I see advertised on telsel here (the home shopping channel equivalent). I can always move the massage to my second prize and with the Zumba dvd's working on my side I will get to that prize even quicker, no? Have any of your attempted Zumba? It looks like a blast and a tough workout so I'd love to at least try it. At 75 euros it's bit pricey but if it gets me moving then I think it may be well worth the money spent.

I'm going to go see how close I am to getting my reward right now as a matter of fact. I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat until I return. Grab the low carb popcorn.

*************************
Update: My 5 kilo goal starts from 126.7 kilos so I have lost 2.2 kilos with 2.8 to go to reach my first milestone and get my reward, whatever it may be!

So I tried a new recipe for Sweet Potato Apple Curried Soup that I found an a great blog I stumbled upon one day. I love sweet potato recipes so how could it go wrong, right? Well let me tell you how it can go wrong. Very.wrong.

It's actually a very typical story for me.... set out to try to cook something new and then a little tweak here, a change up there and voila... you have nothing like it's supposed to be.

So I started off on the right foot, I had all the ingredients I thought I needed. I baked the sweet potatoes and now just needed to boil the other ingredients for 20 minutes, then blend it up and eat! Yay!

So I'm dicing the apples, have the chicken stock in the pot, I had the onion, I actually had real ginger rather than ginger powder... I add in the curry powder...oh wait, no... I don't have curry powder... shit. I knew I forgot something at the store. So a quick google to see if I have a substitite for curry powder, as I know it's just a mix of other spices.

So now that I've googled the curry powder substitute I realize I don't have half of the ingredients that make up curry powder but I do have some... but the stonger flavors (tumeric, fenugreek etc.) I, naturally, do not have. Ah well it's a Sunday in Holland, nothing is open, what's a girl to do... make it without it of course!

So I start making my witches brew... just a pinch of fennel... oh wait no... it came pouring out so a HUGE DASH of fennel. A bit of All Spice, a tiny bit of red pepper to add some heat... oh wait no, that's a huge amount of red pepper... quickly scrape out some red pepper but, alas, most of it has melted into the pot already. Shit.

And so it went with the rest of the spices... a bit of this, a ton of that accidently and within minutes (about 60 of them!) I had my soup. As I was settling down at the table to taste my soup I remembered the recipe called for sour cream or creme fraishe. I went to the fridge and I put a dollop of sour cream in there just to... well because I already screwed it up so why not... and of course... the sour cream was indeed sour...so sour it spoiled and chunked up in my soup. Perfect!

I wasn't about to let a little extra spice and spoiled sour cream ruin my soup experience though. Oh no, not me! I ate around the lumps of sour sour cream and managed to almost enjoy the soup. It's spicy and tastes a bit like really thick spiced apple cider but it's edible.

Please don't let my disasterous approach to cooking spoil your appetite for this soup. I think with the right ingredients it could be really tasty and pretty healthy as well!

If you have any healthy food blogs that you follow can you please post a link to them in the comment section. As you can see from above, I'm a master chef and love to try out new things! But really folks, I'm a bit bored in the kitchen and would love some referals to some great bloggers who take the time to try recipes and then share them with the rest of us "cooking-callenged" people.

Trying something new

I've decided to try out the website www.myfitnesspal.com in order to track calories. It'll be the first time I've ever really tracked calories, as with Dr. Phil's The Ultimate Weight Solutions, you just do portions per day. I decided to experiment with this website and really get an idea of calorie intake. So far it's a really neat and easy tool to use and it lets you set goals, tells you how many calories you will need to eat and exercise off to lose X pounds by your goal date and has message board forums to ask any questions about anything weight loss related including a recipe board. What I like best so far is that at the end of the day you can click the "end of day" button (not sure if that's exactly what it says but you get the idea) and it will tell you how long it will take you to reach your goal if you continue to eat/exercise at the pace you've input for that day. Pretty nifty.

I toyed with sparkpeople.com at one point a while back but it was just too difficult for me to navigate and I couldn't be bothered to really put THAT much effort into it. If you've never counted calories before and have been on the fence about it you should at least check out My Fitness Pal and see if it's something you could work with that can also work for you!

Not complainin...

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting on the scale this morning, which is kind of silly but I'll get to more of that later. I dropped 0.7 kilos or 1.5 pounds. Well done me! As I posted on Sunday, water retention, bloating, swelling and all the fun-ness that comes with being a woman once a month (well, I'm a woman ALL month, but you know what I mean) always makes you nervous for your weekly weigh in. I don't know WHY it makes you (and when I say you, I mean me of course) nervous because it's a legitimate reason not to see the needle budge (do they even make scales with needles anymore?) but even with knowing that it's logical you don't drop any poundage at that time of the month, it can still dash your spirits not to see the numbers go down. And we all know how much of weight loss is a mental game, so going into a new week with less than high spirits can be disastrous. Ah well, this week I am high on life... or was that the car exhaust from last nights traffic jam?


Back to my silly-ness. I have this totally irrational fear sometime that when I get on the scale for a weigh in that I am going to be back to my original number. It's not irrational in that it couldn't happen... it very well could and one day I could be looking in the mirror and staring back at me could be that 301 pound women I used to be, but it's irrational in the fact that I think I may have gained 26 pounds in one week. As nonsensical as it may be (and, yes, nonsensical is a word, my boss uses it all the time and I swore he was making it up so I looked it up and what do you know... it is a word... a silly one at that but I, now, like it) it is how my mind works sometimes. Now why can't I have the irrational hope, rather than fear, that I jump on the scale and 26 pounds have slid off my body in one weeks worth of time? I guess it's easier to have doubt than hope... if you doubt then when it comes true, or doesn't, you aren't disappointed because you never thought it would happen. When you have hope and it doesn't come true you're left wallowing in self pity, and sometimes a pint of Ben and Jerry's because you had that little spark of "it could happen" in your heart.

Which brings us back to "the bible" or rather "my weight loss bible". I haven't pimped out Dr. P in a while but I am still following his book The Ultimate Weight Solutions and am in the process of re-reading it again (for the nth time). What's good is now I am re-taking all of the self assessment tests that I took when originally starting this journey back in 2006 and it seems I have taken the keys (the steps in the book are referred to as keys) and ran with them, not to be confused with running with scissors, which I do not recommend. Many of the bad habits I had once had are now pretty much gone. All of the negative talking I would do to myself internally… vanished (for the most part). All of the ‘setting myself up for failure’ is nowhere to be found. Overall I’m doing pretty darned good, in the mental challenge of weight loss. Now I just need to get the physical, ‘put the fork/spoon DOWN’, ‘is this a portion’ part mastered and I just cannot lose (lose the game, not not lose weight because obviously I will lose weight).

And now… my challenge for you… off the top of your head how many sets of parenthesis did I use in that post? NO CHEATING!

I hope you all are having healthy successful weeks.

Happy Sunday! I'm having a really fantastic weekend. I'm off on Fridays now with my parental leave and I have the weekends off and Sadie and I have just had a really terrific weekend together. She's been so fun and in such a good mood. She's been sleeping so much better and it's made a huge difference for Marco and I. She's still not sleeping wonderfully but so much better. I took some pictures of her just yesterday (they're on her blog) and she is just getting so big and changing so much. Any day now she's going to be mobile and then our whole world will change once again. I'm looking foward to it and wishing time would slow down all at the same time. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm a Mom. Somebody called me a parent the other day and it about sent me into a panic. What?!?!?! I'm a parent?!?!?! For pete's sake I'm a parent! It seems like I shouldn't be old enough to have that 'label' but God knows that's not true... I'm old enough and then some. We won't get into that though.

I've managed to do pretty well with my eating and was feeling fairly confidant to see a drop on the scale this coming Tuesday for my weigh in... that was until this morning when the dreaded aunt flo reared her ugly head. Now I'm not sure if bloat and water retention will spoil my weigh in or not. I'm drinking plenty of fluids, not eating sodium laden foods, have been controlling my portions this week and the snack monster has been kept at bay. I've also wii'd my way into a frenzy for about 1.5 - 2 hours this week, which isn't great but it's still pretty okay, so that should also help. No matter what the scale says I know in my head and heart that I did well and it will all even out in the end so I won't let it send me diving for the fridge in a despressed panic.

So that's about it for this week. Work is a mad house since they let go of 3 people from our department thanks to the financial crisis (we only had 9 to begin with) so my blog time has been pushed to the side for now even on my lunch hour. Don't worry though.. even when I'm not blogging... I'm still wishing I was blogging and not working. LOL

I hope you all are having successul healthy weeks!

Tuesday weigh-in...

Well I'm down by 0.4 kilos or 0.8 lbs. Not phenominal...not exceptional....not great...not super... actually that doesn't even deserve an honorable mention. It's my eating for sure. I have been a bit out of control (again) with portion control. For instance Sunday I went with Marco and Jennifer to Subway and instead of eating a 6 inch sub I went for the entire foot. I did choose one of the subs under 7 grams of fat but still, half og one would have been just fine. It's stupid crap like that...just eating more when I KNOW I shouldn't that I need to get grips on again.

I'm determined that this week is going to be better. I'm tired of typing out the same old crap all of the time "I ate too much" or "I had a second sandwich when I didn't need it". blah blah blah. I need a good week to get me back in the right mindset and the only person who can make that happen is me.

I hope you all are having healthy successful weeks!

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day everybody! May the chocolates that tempt you taste like poo, saving you from hours of extra workouts to even the calorie intake score!

Today marks the day, 5 years ago, that Marco and I met. We're celebrating the anniversary of the day that changed our lives forever (and left us both terribly hung over) by having Oma and Opa watch Sadie so we can have dinner out and go to a movie. WOOHOO!

We're going to our favorite Mexican place again. I've decided that since I go here about once every 3 or 4 months (although I was just there a month ago, that's not the "norm") I am going to get whatever I want, within reason. I'll be having a burrito, minus the beans, easy on the cheese, no smother sauce. Basically a tortilla with beef, lettuce, tomato and some guacamole (which I know some people avoid but it's actually a really "good for you food" although high in fat. moderation!). It will be the best burrito I've ever hand guarenteed!

I don't know which movie we'll see. I wanted to take Marco to see Role Models but it's not released in Europe yet. I saw it already with my colleagues as it was part of our "christmas gift" from my employer, to see the screening of the movie and it cracked me up. I loved it. It's the juvie humor that is just perfect for our night out. I hope we can find something else. Either way, we'll be happy we're hanging out and spending time together.

Hope you all have a very Happy Valentines day!

Old habits are terribly hard to break. Like eating an entire frozen pizza rather than 2 slices like you intended when you decided that it was "the only thing in the house". And really... was it my only option or is that just an easy way out of making myself feel bad for making an unhealthy choice? Yeah, I could have made scrambled eggs. Yeah, I could have had oatmeal for the second time that day. I could have had some veggies (canned) that were in the cupboard but who wants to eat just veggies? Those were my other options so I chose the pizza. And ate the whole.damned.thing.

Pizza is definately a weakness of mine. I love it. All kinds. Any kind. Thick or thin crust. And kind of sauce and just about any kind of topping. I try to live by the rule "all things in moderation" but this is one of those things that no matter how good intentioned I am, I binge on it. Pizza and ice cream. There just is no middle ground for me. No moderation. So when shopping today we did not restock the freezer with "just in case" pizzas. Marco was surprised how little I had throwin into the cart for me before I was announcing "I'm done." I simply told him, if it's not there I can't eat it. He didn't argue and we came home with less groceries, more money in our pockets and less temptation for the girl determined to lose some poundage this week. I did remember to grab some fruits and snack bars so I am not sitting here hungry with NOTHING to eat in the house. Now I just have healthy choices or nothing. This is what works for me.

So determined to make up for yesterday's not so good day I a having a really decent day today. Afterall weight losss not determined by one meal, it's a compilation of all of your efforts over a period of time.

I hope you all are having happy healthy successful weeks!

breakfast
oatmeal
coffee w/ splenda and cream

snack
2 snack bars (b-fast was early and lunch was late)

lunch
1 egg, 2 slices of wg bread, one slice lowfat cheese, 2 pieces of bacon

snack
1 cup of no fat yogurt with frozen raspberries

supper
grilled chicken ceasar salad (518 calories total)

And I did 45 minutes worth of fun stuff on the wii fit today. Yay!